Re: The Legendary Sage of Konoha Returns, Chapter 1
1) Faces are in shadows, the person you don't know stands in the hoakge mansion and you can't stop yourself from asking who the hack is that. The amount of anxiety this scene generated in me was almost palpable. I love how there was stark difference in mood between two parts (so to speak). As much as detailed description of weather was awesome and ambience building, the difference was the thing that made it all the better. It also immensely helped in dividing aforementioned two parts. There was [...], but human mind doesn't work that quickly and that sudden change really made me feel like seeing a change of scene in a movie.
2) In the ramen part, I really liked how Naruto acted normally even though he is Hokage. I know that the strain of being Hokage should be unbelievable, but it's nice to see that Naruto found time to spend with his friends and old habits. Among other things in that part, I would like to emphasize the change in Gaara's and Naruto's personalities. Gaara has become more laid back, as shown with saying that Mei should come and enjoy the day, showing that that he evolved even further from becoming Suna's hokage. His old personality was, although friendly, still quite strained and gloomy. What I really liked was change in Naruto's personality. By using "screw" he has shown us that he matured even more (I'm not saying that people should swear and curse around all the time, but I do feel that a man should do it every now and then and if one says he doesn't I can know almost for sure that he is lying - not to mention how it makes the scene look all the more realistic). What I liked even more was his easy and calm demeanor when the subject of chunnin exams was reached. He's not the old hyped-up Naruto anymore. He's responsible person capable of fully reigning in his emotions if need be.
3) The training. I really liked it how you managed to fully equip each boy with senseis to remove any kind justified of jealousy among boys and readers as well (nobody likes it when characters get it too easy
). What I didn't like though was the thing that Jiraiya is eight. I mean, it's just a bit over the top. Have you seen an eight-year-old? How could one possibly get his mind right at that early age? Let alone learning rather complex jutsus like chidori [at this point I don't know whether he learns it or not at the end (although I think that it's pretty safe to assume that he does)].
4) Again, eleven years old and jonin. One of the brighter points of that part was that Dialogue between Naruto and Jiraiya as it's yet another thing that shows Naruto's maturity.
5) Back in the hokage mansion. Well, I personally can't say I expected to see Jiraiya there
You painted Jiraiya's family quite nicely considering how short that part of the chapter was. I also liked how you've shifted focus back on that mysterious mission.
Hands down, one of the better chapters of your series if I were the one to be asked
1: Hehe, you're really one of the first to put extra pressure on the mood of the scene(s), which is great
I agree with everything you said in this first part, and that the scene change feels like watching a scene change in the movies is exactly my intention.
2: Damn you analysis is deep, and I love it
The Ramen scene was actually one of my favorites in this chapter as I tried to put much effort into forming the characters, and showing how they've changed with the years. And yeah, I agree with the swearing, not too much and not fully cut out is kind off a balance I like to keep. About Gaara, I've actually got some comments about his personality change didn't really fit him, but if you ask me, I think that's how he will change by the year, seeing how Naruto drastically helped change his personality before.
3: Hehe, I know as I try to base much of the next generation on the generation of Naruto, Sakura and the others, only with perhaps some more established characters as guides, senseis, etc.
Haha, well in the actual Manga, Kakashi became Chunin at 6, so the aging in Naruto seems a bit screwed up if you ask me. I mean, Naruto, a 16 years old saving the world? He seems like he's over 20 judging by his personality.
About the Raikiri, you will see in later chapters
4: Kakashi Jonin at 13, Itachi Anbu Captain at 13, need I say more?
Yeah, that was one of the big moments of this chapter I think
5: And you're one of the few that didn't get confused by the time skips in this chapter (believe you me, I heard that a lot already, lol)
Family wise, my FF is going to be crazy, lol.
Thanks ^^ I personally find this chapter to be one of the better I've written, written/story-wise. Chapter 6 though might be one of my better action-wise, when you get that far
Five great points my friend, and you reviews are always welcome
