My first Fan-Fic

Zaxelzero

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My first Fan-Fic idk how i feel about it yet so i guess let me know how you all feel.

Madara stands within his Susano' staring at the Kages with his sharingan blazing.

Madara: You cannot possibly hope to defeat me... you should have kept the Jinchuuriki with you, without him you have no hope.

Tsunade: Shut the hell up you bastard!

-Tsunade Punches the ground causing it to split underneath of Madara-

Madara: Damn!

-Susanoo extends on it's arms to the side of the crack and pushes off of it, launching both of them into the air-

-As madara is landing upon the ground Gaara opens a sand rift underneath of him, as he is being sucked down Mei excrete's lava over top of him-

Gaara: You can't escape now!

Madara: You doubt the true power of the original Susanoo!

-Madara's Susanoo reaches full capacity and creates a thick armor similar to Madara's, It stands taller then before and the sand hardly covers it's feet. it then easily deflects the lava.

Madara: You have indeed impressed me... I guess i might as well give the great "Kages" a taste of my true power!

-A giant rock forms above them, 4 times larger then the last-

Oonoki: Dammit! I don't even know if my full power will be enough... A! Throw me towards the rock and cover me in a shroud of lightening!

A: But you couldn't handle the shroud it will injure you as well!

Oonoki: The wind in my dust will insulate the lightening before it harms me, i will then use the strength of my dust and the power of your lightening to pierce this rock

A: Let's do this!

-He lifts oonoki into his arm and covers him in a shroud of fierce lightening and launches him into the sky-

Oonoki: Dust release: Atomic Shroud!!

-Oonoki shrouds his body into a dense cube, combining with the shroud of lightening the color turns black. He begins flying at amazing speeds.

Oonoki: I hope this works... this world will be fine without me, i believe in the new generation.

-With a smile on his face he pictures Naruto, and Kurotsuchi-

Oonoki- Good bye Kurotsuchi, you have grown into a fine woman... I trust in you

Madara: What is he doing!?

-As Oonoki flies into the giant rock he pierces it and begins to make his way to the edge of the atmosphere-

Oonoki: Dust Release: Atomic Self-Destruction!

-The rock then explodes in a giant flash, without a single shard reaching the ground-

-The kages faces are shown, their faces showing nothing but disbelief-

Madara: Dammit... that was my trump card, no bother i will make another.

-As he tried to build another he drops to his knee-

Madara: Shit! Even Edo Tensei has it's limits

A: He is weakened! Hurry attack him now we can't let the old man's sacrifice be in vein!

The Remaining Kages: Right!!

-End-
 
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Urda

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It's nice and it could possible that one of the Kage would die. Madara might also go all out. It's alittle short for a manga chapter and should be longer by adding more dialogue. 10/10 (First try)
 

Reborn

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How do I put this delicately...Very goodxd

Adivice:
It's a little short, but that's alright considering your first FF and all, although should you expand on this idea or continue to write make it a little longer so it gives more information. Don't be afraid to be descriptive, I felt the death of Oonoki didn't have enough build up to make the impact heavier, which would add to my comments about the chapter needing to be longer and you being more descriptive. Madara is arrogant but don't make him seem too full of himself, also have him keep a calm composure, I didn't perticurally like how you portrayed his reaction after his trump card was beaten and the limits on Edo Tensai thing. I feel he would maintain his cool and just mention his annoyance at everything rather casually.

Overall 7.5/10
 

Baldy

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Could've been elaborated much more. When a person is about to sacrifice himself, you should make it more descriptive. Flashback, memories, blablabla...7.5/10
 
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