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kumu

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I was quite impressed by your first part of the story.

You have chosen your characters well like Deidara and Tobi. They add comic relief to your story.I wished they should have accompanied Sayuri to find out the mystery.

I saw some Tobi X Sayuri moments .Do Tobi have feelings for Sayuri ?:hmm:

And What impressed me more is the crows cawing at night. Actually birds remain quite at night.
According to Mythology Crows cawing at night indicates death or something ominous, evil or dark approaching which connects the situation well.

Good one.:)
 
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Scooby Doo

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Not bad. Some grammar/typo mistakes here and there (like not payed but paid :p)

And why does Deidara have a car? (._. ) Why not fly with a clay dragon?

And who's Sayuri? :eek:
 

Reraru

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Not bad. Some grammar/typo mistakes here and there (like not payed but paid :p)

And why does Deidara have a car? (._. ) Why not fly with a clay dragon?

And who's Sayuri? :eek:
Thanks lol. I forget to check mistakes a lot or simply too lazy to read the chapter before publishing. Anyway it's (AU) Alternative universe.

Sayuri is my OC (own character) thanks for commenting I will be more careful with mistakes I guess.
 

Scooby Doo

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Thanks lol. I forget to check mistakes a lot or simply too lazy to read the chapter before publishing. Anyway it's (AU) Alternative universe.

Sayuri is my OC (own character) thanks for commenting I will be more careful with mistakes I guess.
No problem and it's ok.

Oh I see.

On to the next chapter...
 
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