Things that Sucked: The Assassination of Haruno Sakura’s Character by the Author Kishimoto Masashi
let’s try to approach this particular gripe from a different angle than the usual.
Kishimoto: Hey, Sakura!
Sakura: Yes, Kishimoto?
Kishimoto: I’m about to make you relevant again! Just wait for your cue.
Sakura: Yay! I haven’t had a chance to shine in about 200 chapters! Will I get a fight scene?
Omoi and Karui enter. Omoi jump kicks Sakura in the face.
Karui: Hey! Aren’t you the chick with a crush on that Sasuke guy?! Well, he’s now working with the Akatsuki! Just last week he attacked several Kumo citizens, captured my master, and wore a shirt with a popped collar! Just a head’s up! BTW, what do you see in that guy?!
Karui and Omoi leave. Sakura cries. Sai enters.
Sai: Hey, Sakura? You know that romance subplot you’re a part of? Well, you’re really going to hate this.
Sakura: What? Why?
Sai: You’ll see in a moment. But anyway, you realize that Naruto has feelings for you?
Sakura: OMG, I did not realize such a thing despite the fact that my team mate, who I work with almost every day, is not the least bit subtle about his interest in me.
Sai: Also, I’m here to remind you that for someone who promised to work with Naruto to save Sasuke, you’ve been awfully willing to let him shoulder the burden. Seriously, what have you done lately? BTW, it gets worse for your character.
Sakura cries some more.
Sakura: Oh God, am I crying again? As if my haters don’t have enough of that to mock me till Doomsday! Tell me it gets better for me throughout this arc!
Sai: …
Shikamaru enters.
Shikamaru: Hey, we’ve all decided that since Sasuke has made himself an international issue, we’re all gonna kill him, m’kay? Now listen to my bloated and moronic explanation of how Kumogakure killing Sasuke would set off a cycle of revenge that could be easily rectified if you, Ino, and Naruto had the brains to realize that it would be really, really stupid to attack a Kumo nin for carrying out the law. Oh, and also, Kishimoto’s going to really shit all over your character for the rest of the arc.
Shikamaru, having made his less than stellar case, leaves.
Sakura: Oh well, time to recruit some guys to tell Naruto what’s up. All right, Sai aside, I’m going to need a couple of dumbasses to track Sasuke without being smart enough to realize I’m planning something.
Kiba and Lee enter.
Kiba, Lee: Did someone say that they needed a couple of dumbasses?
Sakura: Perfect.
Naruto enters.
Sakura: Hey, Naruto!
Naruto: Yeah?
Sakura: I need to talk to you. It involves the romance subplot sticking its head out in the most awkward manner possible.
Naruto: Oh. ****.
Sakura: Yeah. Anyway, I like you and don’t have feelings for Sasuke and am totally not hiding anything from you involving the childhood crush I just can’t shut up about so please believe everything I say.
Naruto: Wow, aren’t you giving Meryl Streep a run for her money?
Lee: I am now posing in a manner that matches the reaction of anyone reading this scene.
Sakura: Oh FFS, later!
Naruto leaves.
Kiba: Well, that was an awkward scene that totally pissed off a bunch of shippers. So, why are you acting like a stupid *****, exactly?
Sakura: Because this is apparently Kishimoto’s idea of a heroine.
Kiba: That dude has issues. Hey, I’ve tracked Sasuke! And he’s with that masked Akatsuki guy. Let’s take them on despite the fact that one, Sasuke alone managed to outclass you, Naruto, Sai, and Yamato just a few arcs back, and two, that each individual Akatsuki fought so far required either a highly skilled team or elite ninja to beat!
Lee: Good idea!
Sakura: Now!
Sai: Not so fast. I know that Sakura here is planning on gassing us and taking out Sasuke by herself.
Lee: Holyshitwhatthe****?!
Kiba: RAWR! Imma act like a dumbass despite showing a surprising amount of intelligence earlier and give Sakura an opportunity to gas us!
Sakura gasses them.
Sakura: Thank God for dumbasses.
Sai: Must…breathe in fumes…instead…of getting out…of range…despite…being a highly skilled…ROOT…operative.
Sakura: Now to deal with Sasuke. I hope Kishimoto wrote me a plan so brilliant that readers will be talking about it for years.
Sasuke enters. Karin also enters, except she’s lying on the ground covered in her own blood.
Sakura: Sasuke! Imma join up with joo now! Nothing suspicious about all this!
Sasuke: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a modern day Sarah Bernhardt? In fact, your performance is so bad that it makes me want to put a hole in your head. Eh, why not?
Sasuke, ever the critic, tries to put a hole in her head. Just as he’s about to make the arc a little less painful to read, Kakashi enters the scene like a boss.
Kakashi: Surprise, mother****er! Damn, I’m awesome.
Karin: Damn, that guy is awesome.
Sakura: Damn, Kakashi is awesome.
Sasuke: Damn, he has a nice ass…I mean, damn you, Konoha *******s! Maniacal laugh!
Kakashi: Sakura, you’re irrelevant to the main plot right now except as walking scenery. Get over there in the kitchen and make me a sandwich. No wait, I’ve had your sandwiches, so no go on that. I’ll make my own damn sandwich. Actually, if you do want to make yourself useful, you can heal this chick here.
Sakura: Damn it, my character’s relevance can’t end here! Not like this! I know! I’ll take out Sasuke myself! That should restore some of my lost dignity.
Sakura proceeds to act like an actual ****ing ninja and prepares to stab Sasuke from behind.
Kishimoto: What the? A female character looking cooler than a male in the same scene? Oh no you don’t! Flashback no jutsu!
Sakura: ****! It’s a bunch of flashbacks that don’t really justify the depth of whatever feelings the author says I have for Sasuke.
Sasuke: Wow, this is so sad that I think it best to put you out of your misery right here.
Sakura: Please do. You know what would really suck? If you were about to finish me off and the moment was used to portray me as a damsel in distress that needed rescu-
Naruto enters the scene with an epic save.
Naruto: EPIC SAVE!
Sakura: Well, ****.
Naruto: Sakura, I think you should stand back and let the relevant characters speak.
Sakura: Wow, after hundreds of chapters in which it was foreshadowed that I would surpass Tsunade and play an important role in saving Sasuke, I am now expected to relegate myself to cheerleader status. What the hell does that make me?
Kishimoto: A heroine!
Sakura: Go **** yourself.
Kakashi: Hey Sakura, hate to distract you from that conversation you’re having with the author, but we need you to humiliate yourself for the sake of some ill-timed slapstick.
Sakura: And there goes the last shred of my dignity.