I feel like you guys are having a very juicy conversation without me. Give me some sleep, never mind, I'm already typing and it's almost 6 a.m. and I'm not tired. Great sleep schedule. I need to fix it...someday.
And the reason why I had Magatsu Izanagi instead of Izanagi is because Izanagi gave Yu, Namatame, and me the same power (the reason behind this being to "stir things up" in the town of Inaba), which is basically the "Persona". Namatame and I f*cked ours' up. I corrupted mine because of "emptiness", however, allow me to further speculate on this fact. Normally, without the power I had been granted, I'm just your average joe with a bit more hardships than most. The reason why I am supposedly representing "emptiness" is because of the way I was shunned when I was younger both in school and likely, family. And yes, I do share a lot of this fault, but unlike Yu, I saw the world through a glass that was "half empty" rather than "half full". There are many reasons leading up to this cause, but I'd suppose you wouldn't want to hear my rather pathetic history or grievances.
Being unable to "fit into" society or attune to the "normal life" that everyone else had around me, there was always a significant, yet indisputable hole within me that I constantly tried to fill and was unsuccessful in doing so. I was jealous of everyone around me and their seemingly happy lives full of people that cared about them or the prominent role that they had on a daily basis and this only grew when I met Yu. Here a random kid came out of nowhere and already had family ties, taking away the little time I already had with Dojima (not like I really mattered to the guy, he probably hated me since my head was never in my work) and instantaneously fitting into his more privileged life.
At this point, I'd probably laugh to myself. You realize that the fact that I was able to embrace my shadow, or what you might have seen as a representative factor of "evil" was largely due to the rush of power and importance I felt when I discovered I had the sudden power of being able to somehow reach through the TV. Here I was, a pathetic, no-name moron that was heading nowhere in life and suddenly, I could without consequence cause suffer and misery on those that I (supposedly justified in my head) believed deserved no less. Like that Mayumi Yamano. And no, I won't go into why I have an undying hate and jealously for that...female dog. I felt meaningful for once. Important. Like Light Yagami in Death Note. I didn't think Mayumi would actually die, to be honest, but hell, I wasn't there to see her suffer. All I did was push her into the TV and the deed was done. I mean, hey, I was already pathetic - how much more pathetic could I get to be called a murderer of all things?
Somewhere along the way, this power really got to my head. There was a side of me that I never knew I had that emerged through years of suffering and hate - f*ck, I just wanted to belong somewhere and mean something to someone in this godforsaken life and if I couldn't get that, I'd rather just see the people who could somehow pull off this Christmas miracle suffer. I mean, there was no way they really cared for each other. Once hardships came, they'd just do what every other human did and ditch the rest for their themselves. And the more I was proven wrong, the angrier I became and the more the jealously built. How could Yu, a mere kid and a nobody like me, become someone that essentially played a "leader role" and had so many caring for him? There must have been some stupid trick to this.
And somewhere along the back of my head, I was well aware of what a pathetic, f*cking moron I was. I knew my flaws. I knew how messed up I really was but I had suffered too much. My Shadow was myself. I wanted to see the kids suffer, I wanted to see humankind suffer because of my own selfish ideals and inability to experience the privileged life that everyone else had. So Ameno Sagiri's wish became my own. My Shadow's wish became my own. Better for everyone to be mindless beings, including myself, if everyone could just suffer like me. Understand what it's like to be me.
I was suddenly aware of my Shadow. I hated it, yet needed it...accepted it for the corrupted, twisted power that it filled me with. I wanted to see Yu suffer. We shared the same Arcana number, he the Fool, I the Jester, yet he had gone down a completely different road. As quoted, "the Jester symbolizes much of what the Fool symbolizes--ignorance, spontaneity, and freedom--but in a suppressed form. In the case of the Jester, the querent is misguided and unwilling to work with others, in contrast to the Fool, who is compatible with everyone." What was this magic that Yu worked? The damn kid. Having everything I could never want and I couldn't even forgive myself.
To commit such terrible deeds so that I could either die or simply be forgotten yet I always had a hope that I could have a life just like Yu. What a struggle.
What am I typing...ignore this complete rant please. It just kicked in. LOL. Back to the RP section.
