Sword Art Online: Skybound: Chapter 1

KeotsuEclipse

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Running my thumb over the smooth, charcoal colored item in my hand, I examined it closely. It almost resembled some sort of military helmet, with its simple design, and three LED lights above the portion that would cover the left eye.

It was called “Nerve Gear”, and was the latest advancement in the realm of both video games, and technology.

Well…that’s what I had been told. I was a pretty avid gamer, when my times weren’t sucked away by my studies at the university, but I had never been one to delve into MMORPGs.

You see, my name is Blake Skyvard, and I’m an American that’s taking part in an international study; while I got to have my university fees paid by the United States Government, I – in return – filled out a length report at the end of every month, in an effort to study the relationships between peoples of different cultures, and how they can integrate into new ones. I was one of fifty such students in Japan, while most others in the International Exchange Program chose places like Germany.

As time had gone on, I found myself with more free –time. With only a basic grasp of the language, and no friends, I spent a large portion of my time simply studying. As a result, I progressed in my studies to the point where I didn’t bother showing up for class anymore; if there wasn’t a test, I had no reason to show up.

All this, and I am only 19 years old.

Ah…but I digress. The reason I hold this NerveGear in my hands, is that one day a few months ago I learned of a new game called “Sword Art Online” – a VRMMORPG, that is, Virtual Reality Massive Multiplayer Online RolePlaying Game, which would be the trailblazer into a new generation of gaming.

I have – like most people – often wondered what it would be like to actually be in a video game. And, apparently, this helmet would allow me to do so. The temptation was too much for me to resist.

Looking at the clock, it was just past noon. I had some friends coming over for dinner tonight, as we did every night, at about eight o’clock, and so I had plenty of time to play.

Brushing my long hair so that it wouldn’t sit uncomfortable between my head and the Nervegear, I plugged the headpiece into the wall socket, and then reclined in my chair in the corner of the room. I slid the Nervegear on, and then took a deep breath.

I had fairly good idea of what would come next – I made sure to study the SAO manual from cover to cover.

“Link Start.”

My vision blurred as lines of color blitzed by in my peripheral. I was brought to a Registration Screen for the only game I had installed on my Nerve Gear – Sword Art Online.

It was a fairly straight forward process, like registering for anything online was. I chose “Keotsu” for my username, written in English letters. For all intents and purposes, Keotsu served as my electronic signature.

Then came the avatar calibration. Ultimately, I chose something that closely resembled me, as I like to do with customizable avatars. The height matched mine as close as I could manage, and the build was slightly more athletic than I was – when you had as much freetime as I did, you had to exercise a lot to maintain a healthy body type.

The hair was long and a dark shade of brown, handing below the shoulder blades in the back, and just below the shoulders in the front, swept apart at the middle, to frame my face. The avatar had strong features – a sharp jaw-line that gave the appearance of a man of action, with his hazel eyes having quite a bit more green than my own.

I clicked the “Okay” button at the bottom of the window with my finger, and was rewarded with another large flash of light.

Suddenly, I was no longer looking at a personification of myself, but, rather, was presented with the image of a large city. <<The Starting City.>>

I lifted my hands, and opened and closed the brown leather clad appendages several times.

“It’s…so real,” I whispered, as every sensation felt similar to one in the real world. Excitement welling up in my breast, the mid-day sun high in the sky, I was excited to try out everything – starting with the battle system.

A smile cracking on my face, Keotsu ran straight down a path, heading for the fields out of town…

 
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Seffy

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Ok here's my input:

Running my thumb over the smooth, charcoal colored item in my hand, I examined it closely. The second I read the word "running" I thought it was going to be a story written in present tense but it seems to be written in past tense. Change "running" to "I ran my thumb over..." also take the , out and say "as I examined it more closely."

You see, my name is Blake Skyvard, and I’m an American that’s taking part in an international study; while I got to have my university fees paid by the United States Government, I – in return – filled out a length report at the end of every month, in an effort to study the relationships between peoples of different cultures, and how they can integrate into new ones. This is extremely long for a sentence! Instead of using the ";" You should just put a period and make a new sentence.

I had a fairly good idea of what would come next – I made sure to study the SAO manual from cover to cover. (inserted an "a")

Suddenly, I was no longer looking at a personification of myself, but, rather, was presented with the image of a large city. Too many "," would take out the one between but and rather. If you want to insert a pause don't be afraid to use "..." You tend to use comma's a lot!

I lifted my hands, and opened and closed the brown leather clad appendages several times. Take out the first and to say "to open and close". (Just to stray away from repetition)

A smile cracking on my face, Keotsu ran straight down a path, heading for the fields out of town… "As a smiled cracked on my face..." Though the word crack doesn't sound right to me. Maybe "A smile appeared on my face..." or something else. :shrug:

For the most part you did a great job! Though you use commas excessively! Oh and "-" it seems to break the flow of reading sometimes; could be just me though. :p Also I would like for a bit more description to be able to see what the game is like. Paint me a picture! :scorps:
 
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KeotsuEclipse

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Ok here's my input:

Running my thumb over the smooth, charcoal colored item in my hand, I examined it closely. The second I read the word "running" I thought it was going to be a story written in present tense but it seems to be written in past tense. Change "running" to "I ran my thumb over..." also take the , out and say "as I examined it more closely."

You see, my name is Blake Skyvard, and I’m an American that’s taking part in an international study; while I got to have my university fees paid by the United States Government, I – in return – filled out a length report at the end of every month, in an effort to study the relationships between peoples of different cultures, and how they can integrate into new ones. This is extremely long for a sentence! Instead of using the ";" You should just put a period and make a new sentence.

I had a fairly good idea of what would come next – I made sure to study the SAO manual from cover to cover. (inserted an "a")

Suddenly, I was no longer looking at a personification of myself, but, rather, was presented with the image of a large city. Too many "," would take out the one between but and rather. If you want to insert a pause don't be afraid to use "..." You tend to use comma's a lot!

I lifted my hands, and opened and closed the brown leather clad appendages several times. Take out the first and to say "to open and close". (Just to stray away from repetition)

A smile cracking on my face, Keotsu ran straight down a path, heading for the fields out of town… "As a smiled cracked on my face..." Though the word crack doesn't sound right to me. Maybe "A smile appeared on my face..." or something else. :shrug:

For the most part you did a great job! Though you use commas excessively! Oh and "-" it seems to break the flow of reading sometimes; could be just me though. :p Also I would like for a bit more description to be able to see what the game is like. Paint me a picture! :scorps:
Thank you very much. ^_^ I know it's been a long time, so there's a lot I have to learn, and I'll admit, I'm not really comfortable with first person writing, and I do have a major problem with keeping the tense consistent, and I'm sure that shows in chapters 2 and 3 as well.

I'll take a bit more time with the proofing of chapter four, and try to straighten it out. ^^

And indeed. <_< I've been told I'm really heavy on the compound sentences, so perhaps I'll try and back off of them.
 

Reborn

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See, I've heard of Sword Art Online, and I've contemplated watching it a few times but I've just never brought myself to do it. I didn't know until I started hearing about it, that you were basing the story off of that. I'm going to start watching that so I can get into this more.

However as it stands, the way you had the main character just speak to the auidience, idk there's just something I like about that in terms of story telling. You're taking the reader through this story as if the protagonist is just sitting right next to them and speaking to them like they're engaged in a conversation. That's something that generally grabs my attention.

As far as the structure, grammer, and all that jazz I feel Shishou has already covered you there so I won't get into it (I probably couldn't tell you about grammar anyway >_>)
 

Michael92

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I heard rumors of past writers coming back, and I've seen your mark here for the past weeks, but this... this is something else. I don't really know what to think about it yet as it feels quite... unique, fresh, something that is hard to place. If this is the first time you write first person, or even in this format Keotsu, then I must say, you did well. Not much to go on right now, but I bet there is something great in store for us all. And everyone who knew you in the past, should not need to think twice before giving this a read. It felt like you were playing with your words, a dance of description to be exact. I like it...

Edit: Btw, I just realized Reborn kind off revived this thread xD Oh well, lol.
 
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Reborn

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I heard rumors of past writers coming back, and I've seen your mark here for the past weeks, but this... this is something else. I don't really know what to think about it yet as it feels quite... unique, fresh, something that is hard to place. If this is the first time you write first person, or even in this format Keotsu, then I must say, you did well. Not much to go on right now, but I bet there is something great in store for us all. And everyone who knew you in the past, should not need to think twice before giving this a read. It felt like you were playing with your words, a dance of description to be exact. I like it...

Edit: Btw, I just realized Reborn kind off revived this thread xD Oh well, lol.
Have you heard of the series, Sword Art Online? I'm going to start watching it tomorrow, but I've heard good things about it.

Also it seems like a very appropriate area for Keotsu to write on considering his RP persona xd. You probably don't really follow up on the RP here on the base but KeotsuEclipes is one of the best kenjutsu/Samurai experts on NB. He's on the list of greatest RPers as well. He's a double threat with the RP and the Fanfiction section. For him to make a series about anything to do with swords is very expected.

However I agree it is very unique to him and I liked how he uses his words as well.
 
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