Staring at the Moon

[Byron123]

Staring at the Moon

As I look up to the sky
my Dark Queen dances.
Are her stars under my command
or are they my lashes?

Is your face carved on the moon
or I'm hallucinating?
Did you ever speak the truth
or was it all just faking?


Colors have never meant to be
only black and white.


Angels no longer sing
in my cruel fairytale.
I was dreaming of my past
but now, I'm dead awake.


Lost in thoughts and insecure
with no light to cling on
my vision changed with a blink
and so did my desires.


I will, now, bow before you
my majesty
as your loyal, dark, knight.

 

[Erebus]

Words are good, but i'm lost on the flow, gj though

 

[Byron123]

Words are good, but i'm lost on the flow, gj though

Thank you. Btw, when you say flow, how exactly do you mean it? Its meaning?

 

[Erebus]

Thank you. Btw, when you say flow, how exactly do you mean it? Its meaning?

No, i just feel it's somehow rigid like somelines were caught out leaving pockets, but that's me, different people have different views and tastes, you can'y appeal too all

 

[Byron123]

No, i just feel it's somehow rigid like somelines were caught out leaving pockets, but that's me, different people have different views and tastes, you can'y appeal too all

The truth is that at first I tried to write it as a song based on this line but without success

[video=youtube;c-ociycA48k]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-ociycA48k[/video]


You're right though about some lyrics, I felt something off as well

 

[Erebus]

No worries, practice makes perfect

 

[Jinrou]

Bro...this was good :x3

 

[Byron123]

Bro...this was good :x3

Thanks ma

 

[HashiraMadara SenjUchiha]

did you just lose someone

 

[Byron123]

did you just lose someone

Yes no it sounds sad but I actually got my inspiration from a song XD

 

[HashiraMadara SenjUchiha]

Yes no it sounds sad but I actually got my inspiration from a song XD

man you gone kill your self with a heart attack

 

[Byron123]

man you gone kill your self with a heart attack

Lol calm down.

 

[xxsasukex]

Should I Rate This?

 

[Byron123]

Should I Rate This?

Ιf you want I would like to based on some critique, not the shit style like "You suck, kill yourself!".

 

[xxsasukex]

Ιf you want I would like to based on some critique, not the shit style like "You suck, kill yourself!".

Oh no I'm not Like that. I'm rating You Out Of 10 so I Give This a 6.5. Kind Got Lost after "Colors have never meant to be black And White"

Felt Like You Were Going Somewhere and then just changed the path. or Maybe i just Don't Understand

 

[Byron123]

Oh no I'm not Like that. I'm rating You Out Of 10 so I Give This a 6.5. Kind Got Lost after "Colors have never meant to be black And White"

Felt Like You Were Going Somewhere and then just changed the path. or Maybe i just Don't Understand

No I think you have a point. At first I want to pass it as a song inspired by another one but somewhere at that point it felt a bit strange to me as well.

 

[xxsasukex]

Ok well if You are Going to post Another Be sure To let Me Check It Out.

 

[Byron123]

Ok well if You are Going to post Another Be sure To let Me Check It Out.

I will PM my old ones

 

[Kishi Uzumaki]

It could've been better without that color part in it just like xxsasukex said it broke the poem into two .

 

[Byron123]

It could've been better without that color part in it just like xxsasukex said it broke the poem into two .

Υeah it needs more work. It left me unsatisfied as well.