Shinjitsu no Karada | Opinions please?

[Kagerou]

This was posted in the Premium section prior, but I thought I might as well post it here so I can get some more opinions lol.

So errrrrr, I've been writing a script for a manga I'm making with someone.

You can read it here:

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It's not complete yet, but yeah lol.

The script is just used to show my partner where to add the actions and stuff, but it includes the dialogue and story with it as well.

And here are some character designs for the actual manga:

Spoiler

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Spoiler

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I'm going to be doing screen tones and backgrounds and the main story while my partner is drawing the manga itself.

I'm not a great writer, but I aspire to be lol.

Please let me know what you think. ^^

 

[Defence]

It's really good for an opening. Already you get a feel of the characters. I am intrigued and wanting to know why they are parting etc. Basically you set the scene right. Very creative

 

[Kagerou]

It's really good for an opening. Already you get a feel of the characters. I am intrigued and wanting to know why they are parting etc. Basically you set the scene right. Very creative

Thanks lol, all of that will definitely be answered soon. I'm honestly not sure whether to tie in the pre-timeskip with the current timeskip in the same chapter or not. >_>

 

[Defence]

Thanks lol, all of that will definitely be answered soon. I'm honestly not sure whether to tie in the pre-timeskip with the current timeskip in the same chapter or not. >_>

It's only the small section that I have read. What I like is the simplicity of the task [paper airplane] which draws so much out of the characters. The girl comes across as naive and bruised

 

[Kagerou]

It's only the small section that I have read. What I like is the simplicity of the task [paper airplane] which draws so much out of the characters. The girl comes across as naive and bruised

I knew that was a great device lol. I have a few more scenario's following that part as well, so stay tuned if you can.

Thanks. ^^

 

[NickSenju]

Thanks lol, all of that will definitely be answered soon. I'm honestly not sure whether to tie in the pre-timeskip with the current timeskip in the same chapter or not. >_>

Don't...add on to the story as it goes and combining the two in the same chapter is totally amateur.

 

[Kagerou]

Don't...add on to the story as it goes and combining the two in the same chapter is totally amateur.

I definitely see what you mean lol, I'll consider that I guess.

Thanks for the input. ^^

 

[NickSenju]

I definitely see what you mean lol, I'll consider that I guess.

Thanks for the input. ^^

No probs

 

[Airi]

Good job! ^^