[Adventure] Rise of the Ranmyaku: B-on Aratamete

Hazure

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"Rise of the Ranmyaku: B-on Aratamete" is the re-make of my previous fan fiction "Rise of the Ranmyaku". There are quite a few changes that will happen from the original (If there are people that remember it), the main part being that it is set in an alternate timeline that splits off before the introduction of Kaguya and the powers bestowed by the Sage Of Six Paths. Please enjoy.



Ω~ Introduction ~Ω​
30 years have passed since Obito and Madara were defeated by Naruto, Kirabi, Kakashi and Guy. Peace was established throughout the Shinobi World and Naruto was celebrated as a hero. Following in his Godfathers footsteps, Naruto had decided to pass the title of ‘Eighth Hokage’ onto Konohamaru, so that he may travel the world. Konohamaru had promised Naruto that, upon Naruto’s return, he would pass the title back to him. Naruto was away from the Village for over 10 years, and the first thing he did when he returned, was to propose to Hinata.
During his travels, Naruto had learnt much about his clan and their prowess with Sealing Techniques. So much so that he, and Kurama, decided that the lost Bijuu must be recovered and, with permission from the Shinobi Alliance, sealed within worthy Jinchuuriki. This process took many more years but finally 7 new Jinchuuriki were chosen by each of the Bijuu.
However the time of peace is almost over. An organization, stronger than that of the Akatsuki, has been working from within the shadows. What is their purpose? World Domination? This story follows the adventures of Naruto Uzumaki’s youngest son, Kurama, and how it is up to him to save the world instead of his father.


Ω~ Rise of the Ranmyaku: Bo-n Aratamete ~Ω​
Ω~ Prologue: The Shinobi Frozen from Time ~Ω​
The sunlight rose up from behind the mountains to the east, its warm glow illuminate everything in the early morning. As soon as the light touched the forest, it became heavy with much activity, as if the warm light had caressed every living thing back to life. Wild dear and other smaller forest creatures ventured into the remains of what seemed to be a campsite. The embers of the fire still aglow even in the light of the rising sun.
South of the camp site, a figure in a cloak was racing through the trees, leaping from branch to branch. The man had shoulder length, unkempt, blond hair. Beneath his cloak he wore a light green and black checkered vest with a fishnet singlet underneath it. He wore his headband around his neck, a symbol of his mother’s memory. The sleeves of the vest were rolled up to his elbows, on his hands he wore standard fingerless gloves which had a metal plate attached to the back of them. He wore long black trousers that were rolled up to his ankles with a pair of wooden sandals on his feet. He had unusual eyes, which seemed to have a deeper perception to regular eyes, a genetic trait that had been passed onto him from his mother. It had been six years since his mother had disappeared while on a mission for the village. His father, the Hokage, had searched for over a year for her but much to his dismay stopped the search and she became classified as MIA (Missing in Action).

Kurama reached up to his neck and grabbed his headband. It wasn’t like the other headbands that his comrades wore; it was extremely precious to him as it had been the last gift that he had received from his mother. The symbol that was engraved into the metal plate wasn’t the symbol of Konohagakure, or Shinobi. What was engraved was a customized symbol that was meant to represent ‘Courage’. Kurama sighed as he released his headband from his grip; looking up to the sky, he thought back to what had brought him to the mountains in the first place.

Ω~ A Week Earlier ~Ω
Kurama was walking down the stairs from his apartment in Konohagakure. It was a beautiful day and he had been called to the training grounds by his brother, much to his dismay. His brother had just been promoted to Jonin and loved the new found thing to be able to torment his brother with. Kurama had no intention of following his brother’s wishes so at the intersection that led towards the Training Grounds, he turned in the opposite direction towards Ichiraku Ramen. He had planned to meet his old sensei there today anyway, so he may as well spend all day with him, who knows, he might even be able to spar with him. Suddenly a shiver crept its way into Kurama’s spine and he stopped. “How long are you going to hide in that alleyway?” he declared seemingly to no one. Another shiver down came down his spine as he sensed the hidden ninja disappear from the alleyway, closing his eyes and sighing, he continued towards Ichiraku.
For the rest of the morning, Kurama kept getting that same shiver down his spine. It was especially annoying during his time with his sensei, mainly because he thought he knew who it would be. But every time he tried to look for the stalker, who he thought to be his older brother, there absolutely no trace of anyone. By the end of the day, the shivers had become less and less frequent which, to Kurama, was a good sign. What he didn’t anticipate was that he would get the same shiver down his spine the minute he closed the door to his apartment. Turning slowly around he saw a hooded figure standing in the doorway that led to his living room. Judging by the form of the person’s figure, mainly the large bulge at the chest which was obviously a large bosom, he deduced that they were female. She wore a standard Anbu Black Ops mask which depicted a tiger. The funny thing about it was that there was no slits or holes for the women to see through, which confused him briefly. He was brought out of his thoughts by the women as she had began to talk
“Well Kurama Uzumaki, you certainly have grown up to be a fine young man.” She said with what seemed to be a hint of satisfaction in her tone.
Kurama had opened his mouth to ask the woman what she meant, however she stopped him by holding up her hand “Uh-uh, this is a one-sided conversation, and it is my side that is talking, so be quiet and listen carefully.” She said with forcefulness in her voice that made him seem to obey. Gesturing for her to continue Kurama stayed silent as he listened to this Anbu woman.
The woman cleared her throat with a small cough and began
“I have a mission for you. This mission has not been approved by the Hokage or by any of the officials. The Hokage has absolutely no knowledge that this mission exists, and it must stay that way. There are only two people in this village that would be able to complete it successfully and they are your older brother, Jiraiya, and you.” She had paused then which Kurama had assumed that she was allowing him time to fully grasp what she was saying.
“However, I doubt your brother would call this mission nothing but ‘trivial’ and inform your father. “ Kurama couldn’t agree more with that statement. For as long as he could remember, Jiraiya had always craved the attention of their father. And Naruto had always given him as much attention as he wanted, even making him his personal student as soon as he graduated from the Academy. Kurama on the other hand, never liked his father much and thus declined any sort of training association with him. Kurama had actually found his uncle Neji to be more of a father figure and often spent most of his time with him when they visited.
“Now to the mission” The woman interrupted his thoughts as she continued. “Due to the importance of this mission, you will have to memorize every detail that I say to you. I cannot take the risk that a scroll will be found on you should you get searched.” Kurama had to agree with her, usually when someone leaves the village they get searched just in case. There were only 5 exceptions to this rule and they were Naruto Uzumaki, Sakura Haruno, Hinata Hyūga, Jiraiya Uzumaki and Kurama Uzumaki. However since the disappearance of Hinata, her spot had been filled by Naruto's second advisor Hisaku. Thinking of this made Kurama realize the reason that the Anbu women chose him to take this mission on. Everyone else didn’t hate Naruto like Kurama did, so he was the obvious choice.
“The location of your target is somewhere within the ‘Sakaime Mountains’ in the far South of the Land of Fire. That is all we know. And that is all you will need to know to complete this mission.” Kurama was slightly shocked at where he had been told to go. The Sakaime Mountains had been said to be the home of creatures that were rumored to be as dangerous as the 9 Bijuu themselves and he had to be perfectly honest with himself, he did not want to die. However, for some reason, he had a strange feeling that he needed to go on this mission. So based on that feeling alone, he started to lean towards accepting the mission, although he did want to know more about what he was actually searching for but he highly doubted it.
When he opened his mouth to speak the ANBU women held up her hand and started to say one thing. “There is however one hint to the location of your target. It is a poem.” As she said that she started to recite.

High above the mōr, in the air bound ocean
Sealed away from Time’s watchful gaze
An enigma; a monster, waiting to be revived.
Ascend to the heavens, with heart of hate
Break the seal; with ties of common purpose
Descend to earth; with heart fulfilled.

As she finished, Kurama looked down and started to ponder over the poem. A question formed in his mind and he looked up to ask the ANBU women, however it seemed that she had left when Kurama lowered his head. Not knowing when she wanted this mission completed, but knowing that he had nothing else to do for quite awhile, he decided to do it as soon as possible and began to pack his usual equipment.

Ω~ Present Time ~Ω
Sighing once more, Kurama prepared himself for the treacherous mountains, knowing full well that he could possibly die. He continued south for roughly 2 more hours before making camp at the base of the mountain range. He had a simple camp; a small fire, a blanket and a pot to cook in. Making a simple beef stew, he started to recite the poem in his head as he ate, analyzing it and trying to make sense of it.

High above the mōr, in the air bound ocean. Mōr obviously refers to moorland, or wetlands to be precise. From the history I read about it, the Sakaime Mountains were said to be formed during the time of the Sage of Six Paths and were created on top of a large swamp. So, that line must mean to the summit of the mountains.” Kurama put his bowl down. Leaning forward, he rested his elbows on his knees and his chin in his hands.
In the air bound ocean. Well the only thing I can think of is the sky, so it must be saying something about up above the summit of the mountains. Now, ‘sealed away from Time’s watchful gaze’…hmm. Is that meant to mean that I am looking for something that is sealed away?” Kurama grunted in frustration. “Arrgh! Why is this poem so difficult to analyze! So above the Sakaime Mountains there is something that has been sealed away from time.” Scratching his head, he reached for another bowl of stew. Making sure he got enough meat in this bowl he continued. “Let’s see ‘An enigma, a monster waiting to be revived’ so does that mean that what is sealed away is some kind of monster? It wouldn’t surprise me, considering that it’s the Sakaime Mountains. ‘Ascend to the heavens, with heart of hate. Break the seal, with ties of common purpose. Descend to the earth, with heart fulfilled.’ So basically, I need to rise up passed the summit of the mountains, to a floating island where there is a monster or something that is sealed away by some sort of Fuuinjutsu, break the seal by having a common anger against something....and then i get to go home? Wow…and people from the ANBU had trouble with this?”
Kurama's head had begun to ache during his analyzing, so without a wasted moment, he settled in against a tree with his blanket wrapped around him and waited for sleep to take him away.

The sun had not yet shown itself and Kurama was already up and packing his gear. He had a very restless sleep and he knew it was due to the mountains. Everything about them made him feel uneasy, especially because of the rumors he had heard about the monsters and weird happenings. What as making him feel uneasy though was the simple fact that he had yet to come across anything said within the rumors. During his time so far, there had been no signs that anything living was present, as if the entire mountain range and forest below were still, holding their breath.
It was several hours later that he finally felt as though he was being watched, shivers being sent up and down his spine in rapid succession. This was the first occurence that there was life in these mountains and Kurama was a little happy about it. The unease of the mountains that he had initially felt was a hundred times worse then this new feeling, but he still didnt like it. He decided to move faster as he wanted this feeling to go away and by the time the sun had reached its lowest point in the sky, he had reached the summit. He hadnt expected much when he had reached the top, but the image he was bombarded with, could not have been prepared for. Before him was a forest of enormous trees, and not just the trees. Everything he saw as he walked cautiously into the forest, was magnified into a larger scale. The best way he could describe the difference, was that a boulder to him, would most likely be classified as a small stone in this new world. Dreading the night to come, he began to climb up one of the trees to one of the branches high above. Gazing at the scene before him, he could not help but admire the view of the sun setting on the horizon. The last breath of warm light receding across the land, propping himself against the trunk of the massive tree, he watched the sun finally creep away and closed his eyes.

"Please......help me!"
Kurama opened his eyes to complete blackness. There was no moon in the sky and he was barely able to make out his surroundings. "Please...." The voice spoke again into his head. Kurama did not know what was happening and called out "Who....Where are you!"
Looking about sporadically he couldn't calm himself. He was filled with a strong desire to find whoever the voice belonged too. Without a second to lose, he launched himself off of the branch, heading deeper into the forest. Leaping from branch to branch, the only sound he could hear was the voice echoing within his mind "Please.....hurry......find me.......free me!. Kurama wished he would slow down and try to take stock of the situation but his body was practically moving itself, driven by the desire to find the voice. His heart was beating fast, his body began to jump up onto the higher branches, straining to actually meet the physical requirements it was taking to perform these tasks.
The trunk of the tree began to slowly thin out, indicating to Kurama that he was about to hit the very top of the tree, and as he jumped off of the topmost branch, the sight above him took his breath away.
Directly above him was a gigantic sphere of shimmering energy, crystal clear so that from a distance you would not even be able to tell of its existence. At the very center of the sphere was what looked to be a smaller sphere of ice, large enough to contain a body just smaller the Kurama, but small enough as to not be seen unless you were right in front of it.
Kurama had thought he would have landed by now but hadn't noticed that he was suspended in mid air, slowly being drawn to the outer sphere.
"Please....free me! Kurama looked closely within the sphere of ice and noticed a darker outline contained within it. The same desire he had felt moments ago returned with new ferocity as he traced the outline into the form of a body. Anger filling his being that there was a person would do this to someone, he looked upon the sphere with hatred. Raising his hands up by his side, he started to gather his chakra into his palms and molded it into lion heads. This was a technique he had adapted from the original that his mother had shown him. He had intended it to use against his brother and father in their sparring matches, but right now he knew that he needed to break open this sphere, he needed to free who ever was stuck inside.
The lion heads began to grow in size as Kurama increased his chakra output, spreading up along his arms and enveloping his body within a chakra shroud "GENTLE FIST RELEASING ROAR OF THE TWIN LIONS!!!!!" as he cried out his thrust his palms forward expelling his chakra. The lion heads collided with the outer sphere, upon contact the sphere began to crack and twist open, the chakra contained within being consumed by the lion heads. Pushing his chakra even more, Kurama gave one last cry and sent the lion heads through the outer sphere and into the ice sphere and suddenly all was quiet. The lion heads had seemed to just disappear upon contact with the ice. At the same instant the force keeping Kurama afloat in the air seemingly vanished, sending Kurama colliding with the top most tree branch.
Despair began to spread through Kurama as he gazed up at the sphere, all that effort seemingly wasted.
A noise above caused Kurama to look back up and he saw that the outer sphere had begun to shatter and crack inwards. Hope rising once again, Kurama watched as the cracks on the outer sphere breached the sphere within, a moment of utter stillness occurred, the type that feels like an eternity while you hold your breath. Then suddenly both spheres shattered, spreading out small specks of light that floated in the dark night sky. Seeing this scene brought tears to his eyes, looking about he tried to find the body that he had just saved but could not see it. His search becoming more frantic, the specks of light slowly start to collect and combine at a single spot on the tree branch behind Kurama. He turned as he noticed the lights float passed his face, beginning to form an outline of a body, motionless until the final speck of light joins its brethren and completes the frame of the small and pale child breathing slowly.
Kurama knelt next to the body, probably a few years younger then him, feeling at ease he simply said "You can rest now..." realizing he did not know the kids name, he simply added "Furī..."


Ω~ End of Prologue ~Ω​
 

Reborn

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Have you ever bitten into a pizza thinking you'd be alright cuz the bottom of the pizza aint that hot then you burn the roof of your mouth with the cheese? That has nothing to do with the review or the contest, that shit just happened to me today and it hurts like hell. I can't eat hot food rn and I'm hungry af...moving on.

Spelling and Grammar: I'll say this again like I did in the previous contest chapter review, switching tenses shouldn't happen within your narration. You do the same thing that Legendary Sayian did in his story and go between present and past tense when you clearly are shooting for the latter. You have a few more sentence structure mistakes than he does but overall your issue is the same as LS'. That being said, everything else is seems sound.

Creativity: This is, of course, a fanfiction so my criteria for this section cannot be critical of the fact that you're using the Nverse as your basis. What I look for as a result of using such a base is how you take a spin on the world and the characters and make it unique to your own story. In this regard, you are doing a re-make of a previous fanfiction you authored that is set in an alternate timeline from the canon story just before the final arc between Kaguya and Naruto and Sasuke. There is nothing really world changing about your story but you arguably make up for it with creating your own alternate ending to the war and creating a future based on that alternation. Even still, not all that creative; Naruto wives Hinataand they have children. There isn't much else to go on, though I assume that is for future chapters to reveal.

Structure: I decided in my last review that I will not be grading this area so that's one less thing to worry about. I will comment though, that you should split your paragraphs up by whole spaces between them if you are not going to use indentation. This chapter looks like several large blocks of text with the only indication of a new paragraph being an incomplete line going to the next one.

Story/Plot: The plot here seems interesting enough. At the very least you make it known of the events that transpired immediately after the war's end. There is a new foe that succeeds the previous ones, a thrust into the plot line with the protagonist on some sort of mission. We know that for the past six years Hinata has been missing and nobody has been able to find her and there are mysterious circumstances surrounding that and this ominous new mission. The current events of the timeline are built enough and leave enough mystery to attract people to want to figure out what is going on. On a personal level, because I am a Hinata fan, I genuinely want to know where bae has gone. At the very least you have some substance to call a plot that is introduced here.

Imagery, Detail, Vividness: Wayyyyyy too much exposition. This chapter is virtually entire exposition in disguise. There are two types of prologues that I want to compare, both of which have a different way of introducing the story. The first one is one that I will likely be dropping soon for my new series #SelfPromotion, which is designed as to be a very succinct contextual introduction to what is to come. It is almost entirely an exposition piece that doesn't really show characters, depict a specific scenes, or function as a part of the story other context. The next type is the type you use in this chapter which is to say, you thrust the audience into a scene with characters, interactions, and attempts to build an interest through creating an alluring picture. What does this have to do with this criteria? Well throughout the entire chapter you explain how things are what they are, explain how and why a character does what they do in a very mechanical manner. One example, when the Anbu woman asks Kurama to do her mission instead of his brother. You go into an unnecessary explanation as to why Kurama would do it over his brother even after the woman already implies the same. Now certain things would require necessary explanation but not long and drawn out ones that would distract from the main point. She had a mission to give and we get into Kurama's personal beef with his brother and father and how Neji is more of a father figure than Naruto. So what happens in your story is you spend so much time explaining unnecessary things rather than putting in anything that will help pull the audience to the plot. Why didn't Kurama question a woman giving him a mission that was off the record and is to be kept secret from even the likes of the Hokage? Why did you reveal a foe greater than the Akatsuki off the cuff rather than letting the enemy slither in on their own and let their actions introduce themselves? Why the hell do we care that certain people aren't checked upon entering and leaving the village? Like I don't even understand how, just because Hinata's gone, there has to be somebody to take her place as far as not getting checked for shit. This is really really technical and tries to explain too much in one chapter rather than letting potentially key plot and character development points happen in a more fluid manner.

Impact: Naruto Fanfictions, I've seen em all, I've written them all. There really isn't anything that can impress me with a Naruto based fanfiction any longer since most of them really follow a the same "put my character in this world and make it about them." You're either related to the canon characters in some way or you aren't. Now the plot mildly interests me since it does leave me curious about what happened to Hinata, but that's really it. I'd have loved to see an interaction between Naruto, Kurama, or Jiraiya to and let dialogue and minor narration that would imply (but not directly state) tension between the three males. I'd have also like a more mysterious woman Anbu, she didn't seem interesting at all, seemed as though she was just there to provide the first journey for the MC. In all this would be a better mystery, not out of personal bias but simply because a son looking for his missing mother sounds rather sweet.

I'm rather tired and annoyed rn (yeah yeah I know, "Oh Reborn is annoyed? What else is new?") so I didn't proof read so if there are continuity issues forgive me and ask me if you have questions. I've rated your chapter on a 10point scale if you want to know what you got, pm me.
 
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