[Adventure] Over in a Flash of Red

FaHaD 5212

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Chapter 1: Awareness

Summary: What happens when our hero just happens to achieve the impossible and acquire two of the strongest bloodlines? Watch Naruto as he walks the path of power and shakes the foundations of Elemental Nations. Mokuton/Sharingan Naruto. Eventual Rinnegan.

Hey there everyone, how are you? Fine I hope. I've edited this story and it has, in my opinion, been improved greatly due to my seemingly sudden action but I guess I'll have to wait for your opinion on the matter.

"The dog says woof, the duck says quack" - Human Speech
'But what does the fox say?' - Thoughts
"NARUTO, I'LL KILL YOU!" – Biju Speech
'Cheeky Brat' – Biju Thought
Kage Bunshin No Jutsu (Shadow Clone Technique) - Jutsu

Quote of the day:
"Thinking of peace whilst spilling blood is something only humans can do...They're two sides of the same coin...In order to protect something another must be sacrificed"~Uchiha Madara

Disclaimer: I, FaHaD 5212, do not own Naruto in any way or form.

Chapter 1: Awareness

October 10th - In Konoha


Konohagakure no Sato (The Village Hidden in the Leaves), supposedly the strongest and greatest of the Five Great Hidden Villages, was a sight to behold. The natural beauty of Hi no Kuni (The Land of Fire) coupled with a few adjustments from man, such as the Hokage Mounument, made for wonderful scenery of lush green forests and dazzling rivers.

The village was not only good in looks though, it has many Shinobi who survived the previous Great Shinobi World Wars, such as the two remaining Densetsu no Sanin (The Legendary Three Ninja) and their teacher, the Professor said to have mastered all the Ninjutsu in Konoha, Sarutobi Hiruzen. That's just the icing on the cake, it produces some of the best Ninja who either end up making a big name for themselves or join the elite force of the Hokage, the Ansatsu Senjutsu Tokushu Butai (Special Assassination and Tactical Squad), Anbu (Dark Side) Black Ops. Among these are Konoha no Shiroi Kiba (The White Fang of the Leaf) Hatake Sakumo, unfortunately deceased, and his son Sharingan no Kakashi (Kakashi of the Sharingan).

However in this peaceful village we can hear a mob of civilians and low ranking ninja shouting and cursing while chasing someone. The cause of their disdain seemed to be a young boy no older than five. He had spiky blond hair and ocean blue eyes. He wore a black shirt with an orange flame pattern on the front and green shorts the reached a little below his knees. The most dominant features however were the whisker marks on his cheeks.

"Die already you demon" said a man amongst the crowd which finally managed to surround him after he reached a dead end in an alley. "Get the Demon Brat put his head on a pike and burn him in fire" said another drunk Chunin. After a series of rather unnerving ideas to execute the boy, someone managed to stab him in the gut with a butcher's knife.

Now Uzumaki Naruto knew he was not normal, after all healing wounds within a few seconds is not a daily occurrence, and having whisker marks which reminded the villagers of the great Kyūbi no Kitsune (Nine Tailed Fox) which attacked the village almost five years ago. But calling him a demon outright did not justify their hatred of his tenant, yes, he knew that the Fox was sealed in him, he was smart for his age, but he decided not to tell the Hokage about his exploits. He figured it would be better that way.

Right now, the Jinchuriki was wondering of a way to get out of the mess with his head on his shoulders. In the end when he felt the knife stab him, he gave up. 'I'm gonna die and I can't do a thing about it...Damn it all' were his thoughts as he felt his consciousness drifting.

=====OFR=====
Inside Naruto's Mindscape


Naruto opened his eyes and found himself lying on some water on which he was seemingly floating. Getting up, he looked around and saw a multitude of pipes running in every direction.

"What's this? Heaven? I thought it would look more appealing than a sewer" said Naruto.

"Foolish Mortal, you should be cowering before my presence" said a booming voice.

Turning around, Naruto saw a large cage holding back a gigantic fox with nine tails. Eyes widening a little before returning to normal "Hmm, Oh it's just you, Kyūbi. If I'm dead how are you here, weren't you supposed to be immortal" said Naruto calmly.

"From the sound of it you don't sound surprised its me. And to answer your second question, you are still alive though you won't be if you don't do something about it soon" answered Kyūbi.

"So this is my mind then, a sewer. And Kyūbi, how am I supposed to fight, I don't know anything to take out a large group as the one surrounding me, scratch that, I can't even fight; which reminds me, if they are still attacking me so why am I not dead?"

"Time moves quicker in your mind. And to answer the question to how you fight, I did some tampering in your DNA and awakened some bloodlines earlier than they are supposed to. Just go outside to see them."

"I'll see you later, don't miss me."

"As if I'd miss you, I'm just helping you because if you die, I die, and waiting to reform is too dull. And I'm interested in your future Uzumaki Naruto, you're the second human after my father to speak normally with me."

"Oh, is the almighty Kyūbi interested in little ol' me. Wait, you have a father?!" he shouted the last part.

"Another time…or have you forgotten that you're about to die."

"Okay Okay, I'm leaving, don't get your panties in a knot." he said as his presence disappeared.

"Cheeky Brat" Kyūbi muttered under its breath.

=====OFR=====
Back in Konoha


"Hmm, the brat's not responding, has the demon finally given up" said a civilian, only to find a wooden spear through

his head.

The others looked at the boy only to find him back on his feet. His eyes were red and had one tomoe each in them, a wooden spear connected to his hand, and his injuries long since healed, the only sign of their existence was his torn clothes.

"So, who was gonna die huh?" asked Naruto.

"Quickly get the demon with all you have, he will not leave alive today." said a rookie Chunin.

'I've read books from trash cans; honestly people throw away quite some valuable stuff; about bloodlines and I seem to have the Sharingan of the Uchiha and the Mokuton of the Shodaime Hokage…I'll ask the Kyūbi about this later.'

'Everything is moving so slowly and I can predict their path, good, I have the advantage in this fight.' Suddenly, he was forced to dodge a Kunai thrown by a Chunin. 'I'm lucky those ninja are drunk or I would have been dead a long time ago.'

'Time to finish this' thought Naruto. He tried to control his Mokuton as best he could and somehow managed to make a few hundred wooden spears. "Take this!" shouted Naruto as the spears moved to pierce each and every member of the mob.

'That's it, I can't do anything further' thought Naruto before falling to the ground, if he had been awake for a few more seconds then he would have noticed the Hokage coming to the scene with a squad of Anbu.

"What happened here?" said the Hokage.

"It seems that the Dem-Jinchuriki killed the members of the mob" replied a brown haired Anbu.

"So it seems, Ushi, get him to the hospital and tell them to place him in the Byakurai section" said the Hokage.

"With all due respect sir, surely this, this, murder does not deserve to be in the care of those elite doctors" replied Ushi.

"Are you questioning my orders? And just so you know, us shinobi are all killers" said the Sandaime Hokage with a dark aura around him.

"H-Hai, I will take him there, Hokage-sama." said Ushi hastily in fear of his life and left quickly.

"The rest of you, take care of this mess, we don't want dead bodies to rot in the middle of the street" ordered the Hokage to which the Anbu complied.

=====OFR=====
In the Konoha Hospital


Naruto was placed on a bed and the Hokage was standing beside him taking the doctor's report. "He is fully healed, Hokage-sama, but he is unconscious due to Chakra Exhaustion."

"Very well, you may leave" replied the Hokage.

Now Sarutobi Hiruzen had seen many things in the course of his long life but this just takes the cake as an unprecedented surprise. After all anyone would be shocked to hear the doctor tell you that a child possess your Sensei's extinct Kekkei Genkai and the bloodline of the biggest traitor of your village.

"Forgive me, Naruto-kun, for all the hardships you have faced alone and for not helping you to overcome them. Please be a little more patient and you will have a wonderful future" said Hiruzen to the unconscious boy.

=====OFR=====
Inside Naruto's Mindscape


"OK Kyūbi, I want answers, how the **** do I have bloodlines of two of the strongest shinobi of Konoha?" demanded Naruto.

"Watch your tone boy. The answer is simple boy, you are the descendant of those two."

"Lets say I believe you, so tell me, how am I a heir to the Uchiha and the Senju not to mention my name is Uzumaki" said Naruto, disbelief dripping off his voice.

"I don't know the juicy details but I heard about some of the story from what Hashirama told Uzumaki Mito that he had a wife that he loved and had a child with, contrary to popular belief, Hashirama and Mito did not love each other, it was an arranged marriage. Uchiha Madara had a child, I do not know for sure about when but since your Chakra Signature is similar to his I can tell that you're his heir. Back to the point, your mother was born to the Uchiha son and an Uzumaki. Come to think of it Kushina's mother did not talk much about her father, now that I recall it, her Chakra also had a faint trace of Madara's but I ignored it, it must have been sealed. Anyways, your father was born to the Senju daughter and a member of a small clan, the Namikaze, which had the Swift Release Kekkei Genkai. When your mother was about to be made a Jinchuriki she was sent to Konoha where she found Minato, I'll skip the details and tell you that they did the deed and you were born 5 years ago, on 10th October, the day I was unsealed from your mother and forced to attack your pathetic village but was sealed in you by your father."

Tears were flowing down his face when he found out about his family. When he realized that the reason why he was hated was because of his father, he couldn't help but feel a little negative about him. "I see" said Naruto blankly, "Did they love me?" he muttered.

"What did you say brat?"

"Did my parents love me?" he said a little louder with pain clearly visible in his eyes, yes his blood red eyes one had one tomoe and the other had two.

'That Sharingan, the emotions that are visible, I have to choose my next words carefully or a monster would be unleashed on the world' thought the Kyūbi. "Yes they did, more than I can tell you, especially your mother, even when there was no choice, she tried to stop Minato from sealing me in you. They both jumped in front of my claw when I was about to kill you to prevent myself from being sealed a third time."

"I see" was Naruto's reply, he seemingly calmed down a little. "You said you knew what Hashirama told Mito and what my grandmother told my mother before you were sealed, how?"

"I read their memories" was the Kyūbi's simple reply.

"Wait, you said you were forced to attack the village, mind explaining?" asked Naruto.

"A masked man with a Sharingan who claimed to be Madara, controlled me with his eyes. I knew he was a fake but he was strong enough to make me wreck havoc on the village. Remember one thing that masked fool has the ability to pass them solid objects, so when you face him one day, make sure you have a plan" replied Kyūbi.

'So Tou-san was forced to seal the Kyūbi in me' thought Naruto. "Thank you Kyu- uhh, do you have a name? I'm sure you do" asked Naruto.

"Yes I do, but you can only find out when you are worthy enough" replied Kyūbi.

"Anyways, thanks for sharing this knowledge with me, you don't know how much this means to me" said Naruto cheerfully.

"Bwahahahaha, well I'll be damned, this is the first time a human actually thanked me."

"Well you should cheer up, I want to be your friend" said Naruto.

"Hmm, me, a friend, don't make me laugh, I'm an embodiment of hatred, and from when I checked last time, I don't think I can have friends" replied Kyūbi.

"Well that's too bad because, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK" said Naruto.

'Interesting brat' "We'll see about that, back to business, you are currently a weak piece of trash unworthy to be my container so consider yourself lucky that you interest me, I'll give you some guidance on how to go every now and then but you'll have to arrange your training yourself" said the Kyūbi.

"Thanks for the offer but I have a feeling that you're just saying that for the heck of it" replied Naruto.

"And what if I am? Now get out of here, I feel like sleeping" retorted Kyūbi.

"Hehe, lazy ass, I'm going" replied Naruto.

"When I get my hands on that brat…" the Kyūbi muttered under its breath.

=====OFR=====
In the Konoha Hospital

"Ugh, what just hit me" Naruto said as he looked around, "Jiji, hey where am I."

The Sarutobi sadly at Naruto as he said "The hospital Naruto-kun, and I just remembered, though it isn't the best time to say it, but, Happy Birthday Naruto, what do you want as a present this year?"

"Hey Jiji, can you please tell me about my parents?" asked Naruto, trying to hide his conversation with the Kyūbi.

"Forgive me Naruto, I don't know them" replied Hiruzen. 'I know he's trying to protect me, but he has no right to hide this from me now' thought Naruto.

"Don't lie Jiji, I already found out who my father is so can you please tell me my mother's name?" replied Naruto.

To say Hiruzen was shell-shocked was like saying Gai was not 'youthful.' "S-Sure Naruto, but first tell me your father's name and how you found out." said the Hokage as he discreetly put a silencing seal on the bed to prevent eavesdropping.

"Jiji, how many blonds are there in the village excluding the Yamanakas, other than me and the Yondaime, Namikaze Minato? None right, and he died on October 10th, the day the Kyūbi was 'killed' and I was born. But even more so, I've seen his picture and myself in a mirror, I think it would be rather foolish to ignore the resemblance we share" the way Naruto said 'killed' was starting to worry Hiruzen, not to mention the perfect guess about his father," Yes Jiji, I know that Tou-san sealed the Kyūbi in me, it's not hard to figure out especially when the villagers get most violent on October 10th, the day of the Kyūbi attack."

"I'm sorry for hiding the truth Naruto, it was to protect you from your parents' enemies, and your mother's name was Uzumaki Kushina. Tell me Naruto-kun do you hate your father?" asked the Sarutobi.

"Uzumaki Kushina, Kaa-chan" said Naruto weakly with visible sadness in his eyes, his mother was still a touchy subject for him. Seeing Naruto like this made Hiruzen's heart throb.

Putting on another mask of confidence, Naruto said "Anyways I don't hate my father outright, as I know he couldn't ask another parent to sacrifice their child when he couldn't do so himself, however I do have a right to be slightly angry at him." The Hokage was pleased with Naruto's mature answer.

"Hey Jiji, could you tell me where my parents', rather my house is. I was kicked out of the orphanage" asked Naruto.

"Sure Naruto-kun, please follow me" said Hiruzen as he turned towards the door, as Naruto got out of bed to follow him.

=====OFR=====
Uzumaki Namikaze Estate


"Here it is Naruto-kun" said Hiruzen to the boy following him. "Well I'll be damned, this place is bigger than the Hokage Mansion" commented Naruto.

True to his word, the estate was a two story, Japanese style mansion, with a large garden which had a lake at the edge. However when they got close Hiruzen was blocked by a blue wall.

"It seems only Minato and Kushina or those with their blood can enter, this is where I take my leave, Farewell Naruto. And if you need anything then please don't hesitate to ask" said the Hokage.

"Ja Ne Jiji" replied Naruto and the Sarutobi left in a Shunshin (Body Flicker).

Naruto turned around to enter the mansion, and so his new life began.

And Cut

I hope you all enjoyed it. Those who read the previous version, I hope this was better.

See you all later,

Read & Review.


 
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Honord Sage

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Not bad try to expand the story,take your time doing it don’t rush good ideas can be found to add to the over all story if you take time to develop it and don’t stop till you are fully satisfied that you have taken to the edge.
 
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FaHaD 5212

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Not bad try to expand the story,take your time doing it don’t rush good ideas can be found to add to the over all story if you take time to develop it and don’t stop till you are fully satisfied that you have taken to the edge.
Thanks for the advice, I know this chapter was a little too short and may seem slightly rushed, but I will try to improve in the later chapters.
 

Michael92

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Finally got to read it. First thing first, I must honestly say I didn't understand much of the actual introduction before the chapter begun xP I understand if it was meant as a "fun" or "goofy" aspect to include, but I do believe you would have done better without it really.
When I say that I'm referring to this:

"The dog says woof, the duck says quack" - Human Speech
'But what does the fox say?' - Thoughts
"NARUTO, I'll Kill You" - Biju/Demon etc Speech
'Cheeky Brat' - Biju/Demon etc Thought
Kage Bunshin No Jutsu - Jutsu

Quote of the day:
"Thinking of peace whilst
spilling blood is something
only humans can do...They're
two sides of the same
coin...In order to protect
something another must be
sacrificed"~Uchiha Madara

Don't mistake me, something like a quote of the day might be something to take away from the seriousness, but in that case I would rather have placed it at the end of the chapter. That other "rap" thingy or whatever it seemed to be did indeed confuse me. I suppose it was something related to:


Not a lot of people would get that, and the way you wrote it seemed a bit bumpy. It felt totally out of place and strange to me XD But then again, perhaps that was exactly what you were aiming for?

Sorry for my indulges if I missed the deeper meaning behind that... :shy:

Now, as for the chapter itself...

I see that you decided to go with an alternative storyline, and I like that. The summary at the beginning helped "proclaim" what this story is about.

The first thing I noticed was that it seemed to be a mix of present and past writing in one sentence. Here's an example:
"The village was not only good in looks though, it has many Shinobi who survived the previous Great Shinobi World Wars."

This sentence felt strange. It would have been better if you used "it had," or "it also had." I'm not sure if you're getting what I'm saying though, so I'll just leave it there, haha.

As for the story, it seems rather dark and I like that despite the fact that it seemed a bit different.
I mean, where were the elders? Shouldn't Kurama be breaking free from him if he was mortally wounded? Then again, he's taken quite the damage before. Oh, and what does OFR stand for? o_O I do understand it has something to do with scene change though.

Okay by now I understand that you can't judge this up against the actual manga at all, haha xD But it is sure getting interesting alright. Reading on, I see that this story is indeed crazy. Mangekyo Sharingan already? Haha xD I like it :p

So how do I sum up this? It's so crazy it might actually work, hah! You seem to do most of the characters' portrait just, but with all the craziness, it's kind of hard not to pay attention to what's going on. I'm indeed wondering where you're going with this story and how long you intend to push it? Any time-skip on the plan? I'll be keeping an eye on this for sure bro.

Hope this review was okay for you and that I didn't sound too harsh or anything xP
 

FaHaD 5212

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Finally got to read it. First thing first, I must honestly say I didn't understand much of the actual introduction before the chapter begun xP I understand if it was meant as a "fun" or "goofy" aspect to include, but I do believe you would have done better without it really.
When I say that I'm referring to this:

"The dog says woof, the duck says quack" - Human Speech
'But what does the fox say?' - Thoughts
"NARUTO, I'll Kill You" - Biju/Demon etc Speech
'Cheeky Brat' - Biju/Demon etc Thought
Kage Bunshin No Jutsu - Jutsu

Quote of the day:
"Thinking of peace whilst
spilling blood is something
only humans can do...They're
two sides of the same
coin...In order to protect
something another must be
sacrificed"~Uchiha Madara

Don't mistake me, something like a quote of the day might be something to take away from the seriousness, but in that case I would rather have placed it at the end of the chapter. That other "rap" thingy or whatever it seemed to be did indeed confuse me. I suppose it was something related to:


Not a lot of people would get that, and the way you wrote it seemed a bit bumpy. It felt totally out of place and strange to me XD But then again, perhaps that was exactly what you were aiming for?

Sorry for my indulges if I missed the deeper meaning behind that... :shy:

Now, as for the chapter itself...

I see that you decided to go with an alternative storyline, and I like that. The summary at the beginning helped "proclaim" what this story is about.

The first thing I noticed was that it seemed to be a mix of present and past writing in one sentence. Here's an example:
"The village was not only good in looks though, it has many Shinobi who survived the previous Great Shinobi World Wars."

This sentence felt strange. It would have been better if you used "it had," or "it also had." I'm not sure if you're getting what I'm saying though, so I'll just leave it there, haha.

As for the story, it seems rather dark and I like that despite the fact that it seemed a bit different.
I mean, where were the elders? Shouldn't Kurama be breaking free from him if he was mortally wounded? Then again, he's taken quite the damage before. Oh, and what does OFR stand for? o_O I do understand it has something to do with scene change though.

Okay by now I understand that you can't judge this up against the actual manga at all, haha xD But it is sure getting interesting alright. Reading on, I see that this story is indeed crazy. Mangekyo Sharingan already? Haha xD I like it :p

So how do I sum up this? It's so crazy it might actually work, hah! You seem to do most of the characters' portrait just, but with all the craziness, it's kind of hard not to pay attention to what's going on. I'm indeed wondering where you're going with this story and how long you intend to push it? Any time-skip on the plan? I'll be keeping an eye on this for sure bro.

Hope this review was okay for you and that I didn't sound too harsh or anything xP
I'll say this one thing first:
This was the most helpful review I got, both on this site and on fanfiction.net.

Well first off, that part at the start,
"The dog says woof, the duck says quack" - Human Speech
'But what does the fox say?' - Thoughts
"NARUTO, I'll Kill You" - Biju/Demon etc Speech
'Cheeky Brat' - Biju/Demon etc Thought
Kage Bunshin No Jutsu - Jutsu

Quote of the day:
"Thinking of peace whilst
spilling blood is something
only humans can do...They're
two sides of the same
coin...In order to protect
something another must be
sacrificed"~Uchiha Madara
well it was basically written for the heck of it. It doesn't have any purpose whatsoever. Well other than to lighten up the mood.

Next, about that 'had has' part, thanks for pointing it out I'll improve on it.

About the Mangekyo, well you'll have wait and see.

Well what can I say, I suppose this craziness is what'll make the story interesting.

I was thinking of putting a time skip but it'll come later on, 2 actually (I think).

Oh, and I almost forgot, OFR, it's the summarized version for 'Over in a Flash of Red' and yes, I do use it to signify a scene change.

I hope all of your questions have been answered. Anyways, thanks for sticking with me, I hope you stay until the end.
 

Michael92

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I'll say this one thing first:
This was the most helpful review I got, both on this site and on fanfiction.net.

Well first off, that part at the start,
"The dog says woof, the duck says quack" - Human Speech
'But what does the fox say?' - Thoughts
"NARUTO, I'll Kill You" - Biju/Demon etc Speech
'Cheeky Brat' - Biju/Demon etc Thought
Kage Bunshin No Jutsu - Jutsu

Quote of the day:
"Thinking of peace whilst
spilling blood is something
only humans can do...They're
two sides of the same
coin...In order to protect
something another must be
sacrificed"~Uchiha Madara
well it was basically written for the heck of it. It doesn't have any purpose whatsoever. Well other than to lighten up the mood.

Next, about that 'had has' part, thanks for pointing it out I'll improve on it.

About the Mangekyo, well you'll have wait and see.

Well what can I say, I suppose this craziness is what'll make the story interesting.

I was thinking of putting a time skip but it'll come later on, 2 actually (I think).

Oh, and I almost forgot, OFR, it's the summarized version for 'Over in a Flash of Red' and yes, I do use it to signify a scene change.

I hope all of your questions have been answered. Anyways, thanks for sticking with me, I hope you stay until the end.
Glad I could help, although I must admit my review sounded negatively influenced now that I got to read it again xP
Maybe it's just that I'm not too used to just pointing what I want to say straight out at times, ahaha. That it was the most helpful one so far got me wondering what types of reviews you've been getting? Not the usual; "Awesome!!" kind I hope? o_O Those are kind of devious if you ask me.

Hah, so I was kind of right then xD I must admit though that if you want to come off as serious, you might want to move it to the end as an after-credits, or cut it out completely. Most serious readers would probably have deemed this as just a joke by reading those two phrase bro o_O That's just my two cents anyways.

I'll be looking forward to it then. And it seems like it flew passed my mind that you used the name of the fic abbreviated as a mean to change scenes. I should have picked that one up for sure =p
 

FaHaD 5212

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Glad I could help, although I must admit my review sounded negatively influenced now that I got to read it again xP
Maybe it's just that I'm not too used to just pointing what I want to say straight out at times, ahaha. That it was the most helpful one so far got me wondering what types of reviews you've been getting? Not the usual; "Awesome!!" kind I hope? o_O Those are kind of devious if you ask me.

Hah, so I was kind of right then xD I must admit though that if you want to come off as serious, you might want to move it to the end as an after-credits, or cut it out completely. Most serious readers would probably have deemed this as just a joke by reading those two phrase bro o_O That's just my two cents anyways.

I'll be looking forward to it then. And it seems like it flew passed my mind that you used the name of the fic abbreviated as a mean to change scenes. I should have picked that one up for sure =p
Yeah I know, I'll make the starting a little serious and I was thinking of adding an Omake at the end.
 

Trea

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Interesting read. I like the premise, although a smart Naruto is going to be hard to get used to. Will definitely continue reading to see where you take it.
 
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FaHaD 5212

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Interesting read. I like the premise, although a smart Naruto is going to be hard to get used to. Will definitely continue reading to see where you take it.
Yay, a new reader :hooray::win:.

Anyways, let's be friends, I hope you stay with me for the fanfiction until the end.
 

Lord of Akatsuki

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Interesting....
Needs editing though.

"What's this? Heaven? I thought it would look more appealing than a sewer" said Naruto.

"Foolish Mortal, you should be cowering before my presence" said a booming voice.

"Hmm, Oh its just you, Kyubi. If I'm dead how are you here, weren't you supposed to be immortal." said Naruto calmly.

"From the sound of it you don't sound surprised its me. And to answer your second question, you are still alive though you won't be if you don't do something about it soon" answered Kyubi.


It should be....
"What's this? Heaven? I thought it would look more appealing than a sewer." Said Naruto.

"Foolish Mortal, you should be cowering before my presence." Said a booming voice.

"Hmm, Oh its just you, Kyubi. If I'm dead how are you here? Weren't you supposed to be immortal?" Said Naruto calmly.

"From the sound of it you don't sound surprised its me. And to answer your second question, you are still alive though you won't be if you don't do something about it soon." Answered Kyubi.


Still, the sentence could be better.

"What's this? Heaven? I thought it would look more appealing than a sewer." Called Naruto from afar.

"Foolish Mortal, you should be cowering before my presence." A booming voice answered him.

He paused, staring calmly. "Oh its just you, Kyubi. If I'm dead how are you here? Weren't you supposed to be immortal?"

"From the sound of it, you don't sound surprised its me. And to answer your second question, you are still alive, though you won't be if you don't do something about it soon." Answered Kyubi.




A quotation must always end in a comma or full stop. The words that come right after a quotation is closed must be a capital. (For example), "So," He paused, "Shall we?" He continued.
Or, "Hello." He said.
And, 'Its time,' He turned, his stride like quicksilver and diamonds as he walked.
And finally, 'I'm almost finished.' He thought as he turned.



Hopefully this helps you! :)
 
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Michael92

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Interesting....
Needs editing though.

"What's this? Heaven? I thought it would look more appealing than a sewer" said Naruto.

"Foolish Mortal, you should be cowering before my presence" said a booming voice.

"Hmm, Oh its just you, Kyubi. If I'm dead how are you here, weren't you supposed to be immortal." said Naruto calmly.

"From the sound of it you don't sound surprised its me. And to answer your second question, you are still alive though you won't be if you don't do something about it soon" answered Kyubi.


It should be....
"What's this? Heaven? I thought it would look more appealing than a sewer." Said Naruto.

"Foolish Mortal, you should be cowering before my presence." Said a booming voice.

"Hmm, Oh its just you, Kyubi. If I'm dead how are you here? Weren't you supposed to be immortal?" Said Naruto calmly.

"From the sound of it you don't sound surprised its me. And to answer your second question, you are still alive though you won't be if you don't do something about it soon." Answered Kyubi.


Still, the sentence could be better.

"What's this? Heaven? I thought it would look more appealing than a sewer." Called Naruto from afar.

"Foolish Mortal, you should be cowering before my presence." A booming voice answered him.

He paused, staring calmly. "Oh its just you, Kyubi. If I'm dead how are you here? Weren't you supposed to be immortal?"

"From the sound of it, you don't sound surprised its me. And to answer your second question, you are still alive, though you won't be if you don't do something about it soon." Answered Kyubi.




A quotation must always end in a comma or full stop. The words that come right after a quotation is closed must be a capital. (For example), "So," He paused, "Shall we?" He continued.
Or, "Hello." He said.
And, 'Its time,' He turned, his stride like quicksilver and diamonds as he walked.
And finally, 'I'm almost finished.' He thought as he turned.



Hopefully this helps you! :)
A new reader for Fahad I see =p Great! I'm sure he will appreciate that. I also like your inputs in the suggested examples, but there's still the "its" / "it's" problem in there. Its = Belonging to. Its food. Its claws. It's = It is. In this case; "From the sound of it you don't sound surprised (that) it's me..."

And then you mentioned "Its time..." Which should be "it's time/it is time." Unless you were talking about something like; "its time has come to an end, let's finish it off." For instance, but your sentence suggests no such thing =p ;)

By his latest chapter though, he has indeed improved in my eyes ^^
 
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FaHaD 5212

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Interesting....
Needs editing though.

"What's this? Heaven? I thought it would look more appealing than a sewer" said Naruto.

"Foolish Mortal, you should be cowering before my presence" said a booming voice.

"Hmm, Oh its just you, Kyubi. If I'm dead how are you here, weren't you supposed to be immortal." said Naruto calmly.

"From the sound of it you don't sound surprised its me. And to answer your second question, you are still alive though you won't be if you don't do something about it soon" answered Kyubi.


It should be....
"What's this? Heaven? I thought it would look more appealing than a sewer." Said Naruto.

"Foolish Mortal, you should be cowering before my presence." Said a booming voice.

"Hmm, Oh its just you, Kyubi. If I'm dead how are you here? Weren't you supposed to be immortal?" Said Naruto calmly.

"From the sound of it you don't sound surprised its me. And to answer your second question, you are still alive though you won't be if you don't do something about it soon." Answered Kyubi.


Still, the sentence could be better.

"What's this? Heaven? I thought it would look more appealing than a sewer." Called Naruto from afar.

"Foolish Mortal, you should be cowering before my presence." A booming voice answered him.

He paused, staring calmly. "Oh its just you, Kyubi. If I'm dead how are you here? Weren't you supposed to be immortal?"

"From the sound of it, you don't sound surprised its me. And to answer your second question, you are still alive, though you won't be if you don't do something about it soon." Answered Kyubi.




A quotation must always end in a comma or full stop. The words that come right after a quotation is closed must be a capital. (For example), "So," He paused, "Shall we?" He continued.
Or, "Hello." He said.
And, 'Its time,' He turned, his stride like quicksilver and diamonds as he walked.
And finally, 'I'm almost finished.' He thought as he turned.



Hopefully this helps you! :)
You must be registered for see images
Another reader, hmm. Hope you stay aboard until the end. About the need for editing, I'll have a re-read of my work and have a Mod correct the errors. That is, after my break.

A new reader for Fahad I see =p Great! I'm sure he will appreciate that. I also like your inputs in the suggested examples, but there's still the "its" / "it's" problem in there. Its = Belonging to. Its food. Its claws. It's = It is. In this case; "From the sound of it you don't sound surprised (that) it's me..."

And then you mentioned "Its time..." Which should be "it's time/it is time." Unless you were talking about something like; "its time has come to an end, let's finish it off." For instance, but your sentence suggests no such thing =p ;)

By his latest chapter though, he has indeed improved in my eyes ^^
Yeah, like I stated earlier, I'll work on it. Thanks for the support.
 
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Kuroi Honoo

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I enjoyed reading your quotes ;)

You said that this is your first fanfic and you decided to go with a Naruto based fic which I did myself and I personally think that that is the best route to go when first beginning; a fic based on another work as it alleviates some of the work that must definitely be poured into an original story ;) Also, another interesting thing is that you’re retelling a portion of the Naruto story :)

This kind of reminds me of when Naruto thought that he and Sasuke could’ve easily been standing in each others shoes in terms of Naruto possessing the Sharingan :) Wow, this child awakens new powers and is able to single-handedly deal with that group of drunks. I can only imagine how he’d perform after harnessing it! I loved the Kyuubi’s brief explanation of Naruto’s origin lol And nice going with integrating the Uchiha especially into Naruto’s family tree! =D I’m definitely liking this more mature and brighter Naruto ^^ I also appreciated the incorporation of Japanese words ^^

I really liked this chapter! And the only constructive criticism I suppose that I could give you would be to perhaps check for misspellings but besides that, I didn’t really see anything more than that ;)
 
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Lord of Akatsuki

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A new reader for Fahad I see =p Great! I'm sure he will appreciate that. I also like your inputs in the suggested examples, but there's still the "its" / "it's" problem in there. Its = Belonging to. Its food. Its claws. It's = It is. In this case; "From the sound of it you don't sound surprised (that) it's me..."

And then you mentioned "Its time..." Which should be "it's time/it is time." Unless you were talking about something like; "its time has come to an end, let's finish it off." For instance, but your sentence suggests no such thing =p ;)

By his latest chapter though, he has indeed improved in my eyes ^^

Thanks.
Yeah, I only just noticed that I forgot the single quotation in the sentences. Even I make mistakes, it is only natural. :)
If I could still edit it, I would go and fix it, but yeah I can't.
I usually only make mistakes like that when I've stayed up a little too late and woke up early lol.
 

Lord of Akatsuki

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You must be registered for see images
Another reader, hmm. Hope you stay aboard until the end. About the need for editing, I'll have a re-read of my work and have a Mod correct the errors. That is, after my break.



Yeah, like I stated earlier, I'll work on it. Thanks for the support.
I'll get to your next few chapters soon! :)
No problem, we should always strive to better oneself, but also understand our own failings and try to work past them. That's what makes us human, and why such a thing as 'perfection' is impossible for us human beings.
Always strive to get better at your writing, and anything else.
That is my advice to you, my friend. :)
 
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