[Mystery] [Of Tales and Tastes] The Candymaker - Prologue & Chapter 1

[Lili-Chwan]

I liked it. The descriptions and what not were well written and it gave me a sense of what the scenery and people were like.
Will this be solely about the Hozuki clan and Kaguya? Is like to see the seven swords in this somewhere since It's about the mist. Lol
All in all, it was pretty good and I'm looking forward to seeing how this story unfolds...

I'm thinking of making 7 over-arching stories, this is just the first, and is set way before the creation of the 5 Ninja villages. I'll have other clans come in in future stories, if I find my way out of laziness to create them xD

 

[Shady Doctor]

Laziness, gets us all..

When will the next chapter come?

 

[Shady Doctor]

Laziness, gets us all..

When will the next chapter come?

 

[Lili-Chwan]

Either next friday (A week from the publishing of this chapter) or somewhere around Tuesday (half a week)

 

[TheArtist]

Of Tales and Tastes
The Candymaker

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Prologue

Savor Life. Be it Sweet or Sour, it's just matter of Taste.​

Far before the establishment of the great Village Hidden in the Mist, the Water Country was a dangerous feudal land, divided between bloodthirsty demons and shadow lurkers, birthed by the gargantuan Maternal Mist. Between skirmishes, wars and massacres, the shinobi began to fall under different territories. Each clan would rule lord-like, their area of influence directly proportional to their power. And in that era, far from an alliance, the clans began showing an unspoken treaty of tolerance, fragile in its nature. Small settlements began appearing in neutral grounds, on the outskirts of clan-ruled lands, establishing themselves as inter-cultural points of exchange and communication.

The settlement of Yuugyo was located in the southwestern corner of the Water Country's main island. It served as communication in and out of the Otafuku peninsula, ruled by the great Hozuki clan and the great Kaguya clan, ancient enemies. The settlement was in charge of Temujin Otaghen, an influential young man of humble origins. The times were prosperous to both clans and the settlement, yet a threat came in like a plague. The Maternal Mist bore a devious demon and let it loose. The beast soon became known as the Candymaker, a name whispered in panic and yelled in secrecy, as it extended its territory to the whole of the peninsula. And peace fell prey to the monster.

Chapter 1

Amidst the darkness, a stray dog bore its teeth at the caramelized meat beneath it. Gnawing on the charred black flesh coated in brown liquor, the famished beast tore it down ravenously, until it was frightened away by a piercing scream of a woman. It scurried away into the shadows, abandoning the treat. All but a tender chunk. A caramelized human hand.​

The humid wood planks protested under the weight of the man rising to the improvised pulpit. Around him, a diverse audience of sparse shinobi were gathering. Contrastingly, the man showed an engaging and assuring smile. His handsome features and broad stature were striking, and the shinobi grew calmer with his presence. The growl of the gathering grew dimmer until silence filled the morning mist. As he stood in front of the people, the man's expression became more rigid and serious. And in a strong Baritone voice, he spoke.

"It is with greatest regret that I give my bitter condolences to the clans of the victims. Yet I can assure you. We will catch the beast. And when we do, we will take justice into our own hands. It will be slow, and it will be sweet."

His brows stroke down with determination, before his expression loosen into a comforting smile. The rustling of the crowd grew once again, until a woman rose her voice and shouted:

"An’ how’d you say we should catch th’Candymaker?"

The crowd grew restless and loud, with several children cries and accusatory protest. The woman's grimy skin, pale blue, was glistening against the refraction of light from the morning dew, and her black eyes were bright with malice. An Hozuki no doubt. The man cleared his throat, and the chaos subdued again.

"Well, the answer is sugar-clear. We need to put our differences aside, and come together as a unified front against the threat."

The chaos ensued again, as the shinobi's opinions split in two. The handsome man patiently waited, keeping his gaze upon the Hozuki woman, until something caught his attention. He parted his lips and let in a great gulp of air, before turning south to meet the group or white haired people that approached the improvised plaza.

The new arrivals silenced the crowd once again, until the most prominent of them stood face to face with the man.

"A unified front."

"Yes, Kemono. That is what I propose."

Both man stared down at each other in brimming determination and heavy silence. The crowd around paled before their interaction. Kemono then spoke.

"Very well." He said, looking around the plaza, before resuming the eye contact with the man. "The Kaguya lend their power to you, Otaghen"

The statement calmed the conflicting crowd, until the Hozuki woman barked again, pointing an accusatory finger to the white haired man.

"So now the Kaguya act?! Yer people start dyin’ and all of the sudden we all-"

A loud slap was heard through the crowd, spilling water across the floor. Struck down, the Hozuki woman fell at the feet of the pale man before her. His blue hair and sly stature denounced him as the head of the Hozuki clan.

"Know yer place, Milia. Ye’re a woman. Behave."

The thin man stepped forward towards the opposing men. With a sleazy smile plastered across his face, the man spoke.

"I believe this union’ll benefit we all. I appreciate yer cooperation, Kemono, Otaghen. And I, Ayu of the Hozuki Clan, will do so too."

Shaking his slimy hands with each men, Ayu took his leave, followed by members of the Hozuki clan. With a courtesy nod, Kemono left in a different direction, followed by the Kaguya. Little by little, the crowd thinned down, until no one stood in the plaza but Ota and the Hozuki woman. He approached her and lowered his stance, to meet her eyes. It had not the malicious eyes of a slimy dog, but a glistening obsidian chrome. Ota reached her cheeks with the sleeve of his cloth, cleaning the tear pathway. His eyes showed compassion and his presence was suiting. Locking eyes, he confirmed her vulnerability, before she masked it with a determined and angry expression.

"I don't know what ye want, Temujin Otaghen, but I’ll bring ye down and rise the Hozuki clan back to its deserved place"

"I know, Milia. And I will be here."

The woman stood up and left into the shadows of the mist. Left alone in the plaza, Ota smiled to himself. The day started very sweet.

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Nice! I like it!

 

[Vilvake]

In parts of this you use too many adjectives. Any professional author will tell you that less is more. Overusing descriptive words only serves to ruin the flow of your writing and make it disjointed.

Also, I feel like you wrote this with a thesaurus in front of you. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it can lead to issues, such as improperly using words and prioritizing sophisticated sounding ones that you think will impress the reader.

An example of the former could be when you said "humid logs." I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think that's the correct use of humid. The way I understand it, humidity is the amount of water vapor in the air. Obviously, if that's the only correct definition, saying a log is humid doesn't make sense. However, typing in something such as "wet" or "soggy" into a thesaurus would almost certainly give you humid as a synonym.

As for the latter, using a more sophisticated and complex word over a simple one isn't always the best choice. For the most part this pertains to creating a nice flow. An unusual word may slow the reader's progress mid-sentence because they are usually longer and not "instinctively" understood. For example, I could read over the word "quiet" in a sentence and not think twice about it. However, switch that out for "reticent" and I'll take a second to process it's definition and the context of it's use. You don't really have this problem (you sorta do when you said "contrastingly", because I don't see any contrast there, unless I missed it... but that's more of a case of having an unnecessary word) , but I still think it's nice to know.

 

[Lili-Chwan]

In parts of this you use too many adjectives. Any professional author will tell you that less is more. Overusing descriptive words only serves to ruin the flow of your writing and make it disjointed.

Also, I feel like you wrote this with a thesaurus in front of you. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it can lead to issues, such as improperly using words and prioritizing sophisticated sounding ones that you think will impress the reader.

An example of the former could be when you said "humid logs." I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think that's the correct use of humid. The way I understand it, humidity is the amount of water vapor in the air. Obviously, if that's the only correct definition, saying a log is humid doesn't make sense. However, typing in something such as "wet" or "soggy" into a thesaurus would almost certainly give you humid as a synonym.

As for the latter, using a more sophisticated and complex word over a simple one isn't always the best choice. For the most part this pertains to creating a nice flow. An unusual word may slow the reader's progress mid-sentence because they are usually longer and not "instinctively" understood. For example, I could read over the word "quiet" in a sentence and not think twice about it. However, switch that out for "reticent" and I'll take a second to process it's definition and the context of it's use. You don't really have this problem (you sorta do when you said "contrastingly", because I don't see any contrast there, unless I missed it... but that's more of a case of having an unnecessary word) , but I still think it's nice to know.

Thanks for your review. Soggy does work better than humid. Yet I don't think I misused adjectives or even more pompous words. They're necessary to define the people speaking. The Hozuki speak in a more basic and thick way, while the Kaguya have a much more classical manner. Even the description is molded to show who exactly is getting the priority in the chapter. But I understand what you mean and I'm sorry it was hard to read. Sometimes the words are just a direct translation from my born language, and the double meanings get lost in the language barrier.

 

[Vilvake]

W

Thanks for your review. Soggy does work better than humid. Yet I don't think I misused adjectives or even more pompous words. They're necessary to define the people speaking. The Hozuki speak in a more basic and thick way, while the Kaguya have a much more classical manner. Even the description is molded to show who exactly is getting the priority in the chapter. But I understand what you mean and I'm sorry it was hard to read. Sometimes the words are just a direct translation from my born language, and the double meanings get lost in the language barrier.

The problem- if I could even call it a problem- was largely exclusive to the first paragraph. For the most part, everything else was great. Oh, and btw, I only took the time to give a mini-critique because this is very well written. It's obvious you take writing seriously. You made me care about the story... that's not easy to do

 

[Lili-Chwan]

W

The problem- if I could even call it a problem- was largely exclusive to the first paragraph. For the most part, everything else was great. Oh, and btw, I only took the time to give a mini-critique because this is very well written. It's obvious you take writing seriously. You made me care about the story... that's not easy to do

yes, I appreciate your comments very much! I like reading more than writing though. But it does allow me to create the stories I'd love to read xD. I enjoy easter eggs, so my ff is riddled with them. Wonder if you could find them xD

 

[Shinta]

It's a short and sweet introduction to the series, leaving a taste for the stories development to play out.

It was a good read, I look forward to the rest. ^^

 

[Lili-Chwan]

It's a short and sweet introduction to the series, leaving a taste for the stories development to play out.

It was a good read, I look forward to the rest. ^^

Oh I see what you did there

 

[Drāgy]

I like it! :bouncy:
Very nice job keep it up.

 

[Gèckö]

justify text._.
also I like the dialogue!