Naruto Tensai Gaiden: [Part: 10] "The Crisis Starts!"

[Kagerou]

Hey guys, Sorry for not posting last week, Was really busy..Plus I was playing some Pokemon games for a little bit today so...Sorry for the delay, I'll try to do a triple chapter or a double chapter tomorrow!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You must be registered for see images

Sunagakure starts to erupt with fear and trembles but the attacker is giving the Kazekage an option..What will his answer be!?

Gaara: What's happening!?

Gaara looks outside his window and see's explosions everywhere, Luckily no one was injured or attacks from that incident as they were saved, Suddenly a man steps up with a large speaker phone.

?: Kazekage Gaara....

Gaara: Who are you!? What do you want from this village!?

?: Surrender this village and we harm no one...

Naruto suddenly bursts out in anger as he clenches his fists..

Naruto: WHAT DID YOU SAY!!!!????

?: Aaahhh, You must be Naruto Uzumaki..

?: Since you are here we have no reason to attack

?: We will be leaving but will come back soon..Hmm how about for some fun I leave a few shinobi around around?

All: !?

?: We shall be taking our leave....But we can come back anytime....

?: Fear us.....

A cloud of smoke appears and all the shinobi but a few disperse...Suddenly two familiar shinobi appear.

Kankuro/Temari: Gaara!, Are you okay!?

Gaara: I'm fine...But what was that all about?

Naruto: Gaara..We need to talk later..But for now my team and I will take out the shinobi who have stayed..

Gaara: Got it.

Naruto: Konohamaru, used that sage mode that you've been practicing...

Konohamaru: On it!

Konohamaru focuses his natural chakra into himself..Suddenly his eye shades turn blue and his eyes turn brown-ish

Konohamaru: Monkey sage mode complete!

Konohamaru uses his power to scan the village around him he spots 4 shinobi.

Konohamaru: I've spotted 4 shinobi..Luckily they are outside the village...They are at the gate.

Naruto: Got it...Everyone let's go!

All: Right!

Haru: Hmph!, This is where it gets exciting!

Hikaru: Haru Don't push you're luck, we don't know if these shinobi are elite or not yet

Haru: Hikaru, You worry too much

Hikaru: N-no I don't!

Yuki: I guess this is where I show my true talent....

Next:
Previous:

You must be registered for see links

 

[Domo Genesis]

<div class="bbWrapper">Not bad i liked it.</div>

 

[Sir Aaron]

Meh, I thought the introduction of Monkey Sage Mode was a bit rushed... Not to mention, it would have been better if it were imperfect, where Konohamaru's arms and legs get hairier, and his nose get's tucked a little like a monkeys. But it's your story, I'm just putting my thoughts out there. I don't think Naruto would act like that so quickly after being a jounin for a couple years, but again, it's your story.

This chapter's review:
What I liked:
Story Line
Character Development

What I disliked:
Length (I'm going to keep on saying this until you at least make it slightly longer)
Sentence Fluency (your story is choppy. It should flow.)
The Use of Konohamaru's SM (It should be different, much different, than Naruto's)
Length
Length
Length
Description (You need more description, I'm not talking about the transfer into SM.)

Total: 2.5/5
Rounds up to a three

RasenToad, I love ya, and I'm just trying to help you get better. I was in the same place when it comes to description (and still need to work on it), but everything else is all up to you. Your story is solid, but the way you introduce things is a little robotic.

 

[Hori]

good chapter

 

[Kagerou]

Next:

You must be registered for see links