My Rough Draft for my In-Class Final Exam xd

Akiza

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Okay, well I've been working on this for the past eh hour or so, and it's what I'm planning on writing (if I remember most of it in my ten word summary index card im allowed to bring xd) for my English 101 final exam on thursday morning xd. Its a personal essay on an inanimate object of our choice: between a clock, coffee mug, or notebook. I chose to do mine on a clock, an electric alarm clock. The requirements were that it had to have a clear thought out thesis and introduction, at least 3 body paragraphs, a conclusion that brings my whole essay together, 700+ words, minimum of 7 sentences for each paragraph, and i had to use two of the five senses as sensory details. Well here it is (and please give me your honest opinions o.o):

Buzz Buzz Buzz...​
She moves her hand around the nightstand to push my buttons yet again. I am trying to tell her to wake up because if she does not, she is going to be late for work again and blame me. What if I fall off the nightstand and break? What if she breaks me again by slamming her hand onto my snooze button? I try my hardest to do my job to wake her up and show the current time, but does she listen? No. It is not easy being an electric alarm clock for her. Ever since she was in high school, I have been there for her to wake her up, show her the current time, and make her day go by in a timely manner. However, do I receive any appreciation for what I do? All she gives me are complaints, yelling, and slaps to the face. I even fall off this nightstand and onto the hard floor every so often. If she is not too careful, I may break and she will have to get me fixed or discard me for one of my distant cousins. I bet she does not even care about me one bit. I am just a noisy nuisance to her, and I am just doing my job.

We first met at a Wal-Mart down the road. I was a shiny, brand new alarm clock who recently arrived from the factory. I am looking for a new home like my mass produced distant cousins, and she is looking for a reliable alarm clock to wake her up when needed. She searches around the aisle, looking at the various kinds of alarm clocks, and she spots me. She picks me up, examines me, and then puts me back on the shelf. She seems to be amused by another kind of alarm clock, but unfortunately for her, they have sold out of the model. She comes back to me, picks me up again, and carries me to the checkout counter. I have found an owner. She brings me to her house, plugs me into the wall socket, places me on the nightstand, and sets the current time and my alarm for 6:00 A.M. The next morning, 6 A.M. strikes, and she hears my voice for the first time. “Buzz Buzz Buzz….” I sing to her, attempting to wake her up, but she groans and reluctantly sits up and turns my alarm off. She then gets ready for her day at school. I am happy with a successful first day on the job while she does not seem to be happy with me at all. Unfortunately, this trend would only be the beginning of my career as her alarm clock.

A few years and many slaps to my snooze button later, she is now a college student and I am still her servant who has to wake her up each morning. I still live on her nightstand in her dorm and now, she changes my alarm time almost every single day! I do not care if it is because of her changing class schedule times! I do not need my buttons to be pushed every day. Her fingers are not the lightest pressers either. It hurts like crazy whenever she presses my buttons, moreover after the dozens of times she has slammed my snooze button. She does not change my alarm time just for her daily class schedules but now she also changes it for her ‘beauty naps.’ Ugh, I am getting too old for this. Why she does not push me off the nightstand hard enough to break me I will never know. She still does not appreciate my singing or what I do for her every single day without complaint. If I had a mouth, she would hear a mouthful from me. One day, I attempt to wake her up with my beautiful singing for her next class, but she does not hear me at all and oversleeps. Later on, there was a freak power outage and my alarm was turned off from behind: my plug in the wall socket. So now she cannot hear my gorgeous voice anymore, and continues sleeping. She finally wakes up, twenty minutes after her class has started and starts yelling at me for not waking her up for class. Some of the words she said to me I would not like to reiterate. All I can do is listen to her vulgar complaining as she tries to get to class and rushes out the door, slamming it, and making me fall off the nightstand only to hang by my power cord from the floor. I was so close from my death I could taste it. I wanted to die there. Unfortunately, when she returns, she places me back on the nightstand of terror and resets me. It is also obvious she is still ticked at me for something that was not my fault. I want to go to alarm clock heaven so much right now, but unfortunately, my time on this hell has not come to a close yet. Let my uneventful life continue.

Several years and even more slaps and fists to my snooze button later, she has graduated college and now has a job. She lives by herself in an apartment and is still with me. It is time for her to get up for work and I am singing my lungs out for her but she will not get out of bed. She has been late for work multiple times already, and who does she blame? Me. I have been singing my lungs out for her ever since she brought me home from Wal-Mart, and she has not shown one smidgeon of appreciation to me at all! Let me die now, almighty alarm clock god. Let me begin my life up there. Unfortunately for me, it is still not my time to go, and I have to be her slave for who knows how much longer. I cannot wait until she gets married and gives me away to her children. That is just what I need: more unappreciative hosts. Is this how it is for all of my brethren? Is this how it will be for the rest of my life? Someone kill me now, please!

It has not been all that great for me. Ever since my arrival in the store from the factory, it has all gone downhill. I was purchased by someone who I believe will NEVER appreciate what I do for her, but she does take care of me. Unfortunately, I want to die this very moment because it has not been a great life for me at all. I now wish that she had bought a different alarm clock instead of me, but would my fate be any different? I would be bought by another unappreciative owner sooner or later, or discarded for being on the shelf too long by my creators. Let me just die now, please. *The clock shorts out.* Finally, thank you almighty alarm clock god.

Thank you all. ^.^
 

SageBase

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Show what is going on, rather than tell the reader what's happening. Some parts are just telling you whats going on. (More description)

Indent your paragraphs too!
 

Kone

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That was really good, I do feel bad for that little alarm clock though :(
I guess that's what you were going for ^^
Good luck and I hope you pass.
 

KeotsuEclipse

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<.< *Looks at my iHome that I use as an alarm...* >.< You're right. xd

It was very good. ^_^

But, if this is for a final, I'd like to suggest something. o.o" At the beginning...the alarm clock sounds like a child - this isn't bad, it actually sounds like an innocent child that can't understand why it's being punished for doing what it was told to do.

But, as you went on (though you did transition through years) the alarm clocks "personality" seemed to change - I noticed the changed immediately when it started talking about how hard she pressed.

May I suggest trying to ease the transitions of ages, or sticking with the child like personality?

Either way, I enjoyed it (and I now feel bad for my alarm clock <.<).

Good luck on your final. ^_^
 
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Typhon

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We first met at a Wal-Mart down the road. I was a shiny, brand new alarm clock who recently arrived from the factory. I am looking for a new home like my mass produced distant cousins, and she is looking for a reliable alarm clock to wake her up when needed.
First problem I see. You switch from the present to the past tense even though its referring to the same time period. The first two sentences use word like "was", "met", "arrived" etc. Which are all past tense words. The next sentence switches to the present tense even though its still talking about a past event. Considering the rest of the paragraph follows in the present tense, I would switch the wording of the first two sentences so they match.
 

Akiza

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<.< *Looks at my iHome that I use as an alarm...* >.< You're right. xd

It was very good. ^_^

But, if this is for a final, I'd like to suggest something. o.o" At the beginning...the alarm clock sounds like a child - this isn't bad, it actually sounds like an innocent child that can't understand why it's being punished for doing what it was told to do.

But, as you went on (though you did transition through years) the alarm clocks "personality" seemed to change - I noticed the changed immediately when it started talking about how hard she pressed.

May I suggest trying to ease the transitions of ages, or sticking with the child like personality?

Either way, I enjoyed it (and I now feel bad for my alarm clock <.<).

Good luck on your final. ^_^
First problem I see. You switch from the present to the past tense even though its referring to the same time period. The first two sentences use word like "was", "met", "arrived" etc. Which are all past tense words. The next sentence switches to the present tense even though its still talking about a past event. Considering the rest of the paragraph follows in the present tense, I would switch the wording of the first two sentences so they match.
transitions and tense are usually always a problem for me xd

and i think ill stick with the transitions of ages, since i needed to personify the alarm clock so easing the transitions of ages xd it is, and i think it would get tired of being pushed around after so many years xd

also if anyone can give me an idea as to what to put for my ten word summary on an index card to remember most of it that would also be appreciated lol xd
 
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Adachi

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Firstly, I agree with Lord Danzo. Your using of tenses confuse me.
Second of all, if you don't feel the need to correct anything, don't. I am merely giving my opinion for your "essay."

All she gives me are complaints, yelling, and slaps to the face.
Adding a present participle into a sentence like this makes it awkward. Consider changing it to "shouts" or some other fitting word.
I bet she does not even care about me one bit.
This sentence ruins the flow of the previous sentences. Makes it sound rather informal so I suggest you take out this sentence.
I am just a noisy nuisance to her, and I am just doing my job.
Two "I am"s makes the sentence sound bumpy. I would suggest changing it to "Despite the fact that I am just doing my job, I remain a noisy nuisance to her."
We first met at a Wal-Mart down the road. I was a shiny, brand new alarm clock who recently arrived from the factory. I am looking for a new home like my mass produced distant cousins, and she is looking for a reliable alarm clock to wake her up when needed.
*shrug* I am rather puzzles by your use of tensing here...but if I was I, I would stay in past tense. "I was looking for a new home like my mass produced distant cousins, and she, in the same manner, was looking for a reliable alarm clock to wake her up when needed."
I sing to her, attempting to wake her up, but she groans and reluctantly sits up and turns my alarm off.
Too many "ands." "I sing to her, attempting to wake her up, but she groans and reluctantly sits up, turning my alarm off."
I am happy with a successful first day on the job while she does not seem to be happy with me at all.
Contradiction in a sentence should be properly used with a signal phrase such as "although."
Her fingers are not the lightest pressers either. It hurts like crazy whenever she presses my buttons, moreover after the dozens of times she has slammed my snooze button.
Awkward usage of the tenses "most" and "were." Though I do understand that 'pressers" is a word by itself, but I would suggest you change it to make tone flow. Secondly, "it hurts like crazy" seriously destroys the tone. "It is rather painful," might suit the sentence better.
She does not change my alarm time just for her daily class schedules but now she also changes it for her ‘beauty naps.’
"She does not ONLY change my alarm time for her daily class schedules, but she also changes it for her 'beauty naps.'" Awkward sentence placement for "only" and "just." Read up here for more information -
Why she does not push me off the nightstand hard enough to break me I will never know.
Very awkward sentence - the Subject and the Predicate sounds switched to me. "I will never know why she hasn't push me off the nightstand enough to break me." (Still an awkward sentence, but better.) Usually, it's only switched when ending a paragraph.
One day, I attempt to wake her up with my beautiful singing for her next class, but she does not hear me at all and oversleeps. Later on, there was a freak power outage and my alarm was turned off from behind: my plug in the wall socket.
Present tense usage first, then past tense. Please change.
I was so close from my death I could taste it.
"To" sounds like a better word to use in this situation.
I was purchased by someone who I believe will NEVER appreciate what I do for her, but she does take care of me.
Direct contradiction again. I suggest you take out the last part since it is not needed and will not change the essay in any way.

-_-' What happens when I start correcting people's stuff...I'm afraid to say that I have been distracted from my OWN essay about "The Crucible", so I will need to get working on that now...
 

Nikkou Arashi

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I felt my heart stabbed a thousand times as I feel for the alarm clock. :( Reading it in a first person basis, did make me feel like I was it. Really, nicely done...A ten word summary? doesn't really have to be exactly 10, right? But a max of 10? Here are a couple phrases I can think of:

> The life I dreamed becomes the life I dreaded.
> Let me my song be heard and appreciated.

I'll get back if I could think for more.
 

Akiza

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I felt my heart stabbed a thousand times as I feel for the alarm clock. :( Reading it in a first person basis, did make me feel like I was it. Really, nicely done...A ten word summary? doesn't really have to be exactly 10, right? But a max of 10? Here are a couple phrases I can think of:

> The life I dreamed becomes the life I dreaded.
> Let me my song be heard and appreciated.

I'll get back if I could think for more.
eh...i mean it has to be less than or actually ten words....and it has to help me remember what i wrote for my rough draft that i cant bring xd
 

Scary Yamato

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Okay, well I've been working on this for the past eh hour or so, and it's what I'm planning on writing (if I remember most of it in my ten word summary index card im allowed to bring xd) for my English 101 final exam on thursday morning xd. Its a personal essay on an inanimate object of our choice: between a clock, coffee mug, or notebook. I chose to do mine on a clock, an electric alarm clock. The requirements were that it had to have a clear thought out thesis and introduction, at least 3 body paragraphs, a conclusion that brings my whole essay together, 700+ words, minimum of 7 sentences for each paragraph, and i had to use two of the five senses as sensory details. Well here it is (and please give me your honest opinions o.o):

Buzz Buzz Buzz...​
She moves her hand around the nightstand to push my buttons yet again. I am trying to tell her to wake up because if she does not, she is going to be late for work again and blame me. What if I fall off the nightstand and break? What if she breaks me again by slamming her hand onto my snooze button? I try my hardest to do my job to wake her up and show the current time, but does she listen? No. It is not easy being an electric alarm clock for her. Ever since she was in high school, I have been there for her to wake her up, show her the current time, and make her day go by in a timely manner. However, do I receive any appreciation for what I do? All she gives me are complaints, yelling, and slaps to the face. I even fall off this nightstand and onto the hard floor every so often. If she is not too careful, I may break and she will have to get me fixed or discard me for one of my distant cousins. I bet she does not even care about me one bit. I am just a noisy nuisance to her, and I am just doing my job.

We first met at a Wal-Mart down the road. I was a shiny, brand new alarm clock who recently arrived from the factory. I am looking for a new home like my mass produced distant cousins, and she is looking for a reliable alarm clock to wake her up when needed. She searches around the aisle, looking at the various kinds of alarm clocks, and she spots me. She picks me up, examines me, and then puts me back on the shelf. She seems to be amused by another kind of alarm clock, but unfortunately for her, they have sold out of the model. She comes back to me, picks me up again, and carries me to the checkout counter. I have found an owner. She brings me to her house, plugs me into the wall socket, places me on the nightstand, and sets the current time and my alarm for 6:00 A.M. The next morning, 6 A.M. strikes, and she hears my voice for the first time. “Buzz Buzz Buzz….” I sing to her, attempting to wake her up, but she groans and reluctantly sits up and turns my alarm off. She then gets ready for her day at school. I am happy with a successful first day on the job while she does not seem to be happy with me at all. Unfortunately, this trend would only be the beginning of my career as her alarm clock.

A few years and many slaps to my snooze button later, she is now a college student and I am still her servant who has to wake her up each morning. I still live on her nightstand in her dorm and now, she changes my alarm time almost every single day! I do not care if it is because of her changing class schedule times! I do not need my buttons to be pushed every day. Her fingers are not the lightest pressers either. It hurts like crazy whenever she presses my buttons, moreover after the dozens of times she has slammed my snooze button. She does not change my alarm time just for her daily class schedules but now she also changes it for her ‘beauty naps.’ Ugh, I am getting too old for this. Why she does not push me off the nightstand hard enough to break me I will never know. She still does not appreciate my singing or what I do for her every single day without complaint. If I had a mouth, she would hear a mouthful from me. One day, I attempt to wake her up with my beautiful singing for her next class, but she does not hear me at all and oversleeps. Later on, there was a freak power outage and my alarm was turned off from behind: my plug in the wall socket. So now she cannot hear my gorgeous voice anymore, and continues sleeping. She finally wakes up, twenty minutes after her class has started and starts yelling at me for not waking her up for class. Some of the words she said to me I would not like to reiterate. All I can do is listen to her vulgar complaining as she tries to get to class and rushes out the door, slamming it, and making me fall off the nightstand only to hang by my power cord from the floor. I was so close from my death I could taste it. I wanted to die there. Unfortunately, when she returns, she places me back on the nightstand of terror and resets me. It is also obvious she is still ticked at me for something that was not my fault. I want to go to alarm clock heaven so much right now, but unfortunately, my time on this hell has not come to a close yet. Let my uneventful life continue.

Several years and even more slaps and fists to my snooze button later, she has graduated college and now has a job. She lives by herself in an apartment and is still with me. It is time for her to get up for work and I am singing my lungs out for her but she will not get out of bed. She has been late for work multiple times already, and who does she blame? Me. I have been singing my lungs out for her ever since she brought me home from Wal-Mart, and she has not shown one smidgeon of appreciation to me at all! Let me die now, almighty alarm clock god. Let me begin my life up there. Unfortunately for me, it is still not my time to go, and I have to be her slave for who knows how much longer. I cannot wait until she gets married and gives me away to her children. That is just what I need: more unappreciative hosts. Is this how it is for all of my brethren? Is this how it will be for the rest of my life? Someone kill me now, please!

It has not been all that great for me. Ever since my arrival in the store from the factory, it has all gone downhill. I was purchased by someone who I believe will NEVER appreciate what I do for her, but she does take care of me. Unfortunately, I want to die this very moment because it has not been a great life for me at all. I now wish that she had bought a different alarm clock instead of me, but would my fate be any different? I would be bought by another unappreciative owner sooner or later, or discarded for being on the shelf too long by my creators. Let me just die now, please. *The clock shorts out.* Finally, thank you almighty alarm clock god.

Thank you all. ^.^
Indent the paragraphs.

correct me If I'm wrong but I only noticed one real sensory description, and that was sound. maybe you can add something like... "When she first took me home, she was very tender with me. I used to love to feel the soft caress of her hand as she slid it over my body trying to find my snooze button. Now, all I feel is her coarse punishment when I try to wake her up." Maybe even something about her "turning him on" and "pushing his buttons".


In an english paper, I dont believe you can write "*the clock shorts out*". You may have to use more imagery. Something about a small release of smoke accompanied with the smell of burning plastic, could serve the purpose of letting the reader know that the clock shorted out.

The essay is very comical, good job ^_^
 
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Akiza

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Aside from some of the sentences being too long, it looks good.
ty^^
Indent the paragraphs.

correct me If I'm wrong but I only noticed one real sensory description, and that was sound. maybe you can add something like... "When she first took me home, she was very tender with me. I used to love to feel the soft caress of her hand as she slid it over my body trying to find my snooze button. Now, all I feel is her coarse punishment when I try to wake her up." Maybe even something about her "turning him on" and "pushing his buttons".


In an english paper, I dont believe you can write "*the clock shorts out*". You may have to use more imagery. Something about a small release of smoke accompanied with the smell of burning plastic, could serve the purpose of letting the reader know that the clock shorted out.

The essay is very comical, good job ^_^
lol well i thought i had sound and touch in it....but if you say so. again this is just a rough draft, and i may not even remember half of it xd
 

Nikkou Arashi

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eh...i mean it has to be less than or actually ten words....and it has to help me remember what i wrote for my rough draft that i cant bring xd
Oh, right. You can't bring it with you...Mmn, I guess I kinda made a sort of a title instead of a guide then. :eek::) ... hmmn, that's quite tough - just read your draft a hundred times so you would remember :D ... nah, seriously - I don't have any in mind since if I think of the statements that I posted, I am able to remember how things went in your draft. Maybe because I was the listener and you were the storyteller. Wish you all the luck is the best that I can do. :)
 
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