My First Attempt at Fanfiction

Dreckerplayer

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The war has ended, the leaf has been rebuilt completely, with the help of newly gained allies from other villages.
Chapter 1:New to the Village!
It's been two years since the defeat of the Juubi.

*Scene starts with a man's shadow walking towards the leaf gate*

Shadow: Ahh, so this is the leaf... it looks way bigger than what I saw in the pictures three years ago.

* his shadow is seen walking through the the gate, and sees a Leaf Shinobi appear out of nowhere and approaches him*

Konaha Guard: We've been expecting someone, I must see the papers that contains your identity information.

*The man with the shadow is finally shown, but only the lower half of his face is revealed*

Man:Oh, yes, here. *The man puts two fingers on a seal located across his index finger from his left hand*Release!...

*A white sheet of paper appears, but can only be seen by the guard*

Konoha Guard:[A seal, on his index finger?...] Hmm, seems legit, come with me.

Man: Now that you know my name, may I ask yours?

Konoha Guard: Ahh, yes, I'm the official head of the recently established Konoha Guard Team, Choji, of the Akamichi Clan!

Man: Oh,really!I've heard of the Akamichi clan, I heard they have immense defensive power, no wonder.[This guy's a fat ass, so I'm pretty sure he alone could guard the gates...kuku]

Choji:*Gives a demented glare*I know what the f*ck you're thinking, so make sure those thoughts never exit through your mouth!

Man:*A sweat shows running down the lower half of his face, indicating fear*uhhh, what do you mean![This guy can read minds, doesn't that jutsu belong to the Yamanaka Clan?!]

Choji:*Smirks* I'm only joking, it's not like I can read minds...

Man:Oh....ehehehe.[This kid is spooky as hell!]

*Both of their feet are shown walking towards the Hokage's Mansion,walking pass the bridge already , they come across several restaurants, buildings, casinos, general shops, the Ramen guy, and beautiful scenery.*

Man:*the man's shadow is shown again*This place sure is beautiful!

Choji: Yes, Konoha is very fortunate, it's becoming more of a city now, than a village.After it was destroyed once again by an Uchiha two years ago, our new allies from all over the five nations decided to pitch in, in return for their gratitude.

*The two finally reach the Hokage mansion, enter the doors, and the man is led to the hokage main office doors*

Choji: Okay, this is where you need to be, so let me just go in and report to Hokage that his quest is here.

Choji:*Choji enters, and comes back out 6 seconds later*Okay, you may come in, he says.

Man:*Man walks in, and sees a person with a giant Hokage hat*6th Hokage, It's truly an honor to meet you!

Rokudaime Hokage:*Lifts his head up, and is shown to have blue eyes, blonde hair, similar to the 4th Hokage hairstyle, but with a long spiked ponytail that reaches down to his lower back* Hello, Welcome to the new and improved Konohagakure, my name is Uzumaki Naruto, the one who brought the five nations together, and defeated the Juubi.

Next Chapter:The "Mans" Identity Revealed!
END

My first Fanfiction, you guys, please take it easy,lmao!
 
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Guardian of the Rain

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Honest feedback here. Don't be offended.
The format is sloppy, thus it's disorienting. Story-wise, it's not that bad. Though there are a crapload of FFs with Naruto as the sixth Hokage. So this story also lacks originality.
Oh yeah, space it out.
 
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Dreckerplayer

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I really like it, but its too short .
Thanks, stay tuned for chapter two then!

Edit:To ItachiLeeHatake, To be honest, nothing in this world is original, just like your avi, I've seen at least 30 people with the exact same avi.

As for your honesty, I feel that you have a poor choice of words.You're more frank than honest

My intent wasn't for it to be completely original, it's all about having a good story, and developing into something "less" unoriginal...

The format is pretty bad, but I was just "testing" things out, so although you have have a poor choice of words, most of the things you've said are true.

Edit:To SakiBombJutsu, Thanks, next chapter you'll definitely get to know the main characters more, that is IF I decide to make another chapter.

It all depends on how much attention and positive feedback it gets, really.
 
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Guardian of the Rain

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Don't be discouraged because of what I said, dude. I swear on my life that I said what I said out of care. I always feel bonded with fellow writers because writing is my passion and writing is my passion, so I feel obligated to assist you guys when necessary. You have great potential and should definitely continue this story. If you give it 100% effort, I have no doubt that it'll be an amazing read.
 

Dreckerplayer

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Don't be discouraged because of what I said, dude. I swear on my life that I said what I said out of care. I always feel bonded with fellow writers because writing is my passion and writing is my passion, so I feel obligated to assist you guys when necessary. You have great potential and should definitely continue this story. If you give it 100% effort, I have no doubt that it'll be an amazing read.
So you're not frank at all, you're just very passionate, because writing is your craft.

I understand, as long as it's "care" and not negativity, I'll consider you a go-to person for advice.

Thanks for the encouragement, I'll start my rough draft for chapter two now, lmao.
 

Ƒālconer

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I like it man, the story is pretty sweet and cool. I don't really have any critique for you because I'm a novice writer myself and new to the craft. Just in case you wanted to check out my work in the FF section look for "Trail of Fire". I've written two chapters so far and an intro.

Keep working man.
 
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Guardian of the Rain

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So you're not frank at all, you're just very passionate, because writing is your craft.

I understand, as long as it's "care" and not negativity, I'll consider you a go-to person for advice.

Thanks for the encouragement, I'll start my rough draft for chapter two now, lmao.
Yup! Please believe me.
Ehh they are much better writers than me on the base, but I guess I'm sensei-worthy nonetheless. Lol
Hell yeah, man. Get to it. :D
 
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