Inbijiburu Katanamochi Prelude (First Fanfic, be nice!)

Ragnaroc

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Inbijiburu katanamochi​
This is the story of an old school hidden deep within the supposedly active Mount Meakan in Japan. This school has been training and supplying some of the world?s most dangerous and elusive assassins and ninjas. For years, this school of sorts has gone unchallenged as the world?s strongest, fighting on the side of justice to protect the world from both human and demon threats. However, troubling signs have started to occur that threaten to reveal the schools existence to the entire world and bring an end to this invisible sword of the righteous, this group of Invisible Sword bearers.

This story begins 200 years in the past, 50 years after the schools creation, the school has recently began to teach the arts of future sight to some of its more gifted students. The future sight students have begun to see some strange and frightening visions of the future. One particular night, there was a most horrifying vision, one that required the waking of the Headmaster. This is where our story begins?..​


Headmaster: *having been woken in the middle of the night*What is the meaning of summoning me at this hour? If this is another false alarm you will all be punished with your lives!

Teacher: *kneeling infront of the Headmaster tentatively* My Lord, the students have seen the destruction of the school and the potentially the entire world!

Headmaster: *angrily* You mean to tell me that the world could potentially be destroyed if this small school is destroyed? That?s preposterous; I warned you if this was a false alarm that you would die!

*while the Headmaster begins to draw his pure white katana, one of the students interrupts with another vision*

Student: *speaks in a trance like state* In 150 years, this will be the last school of its kind in existence. The other four schools will be destroyed by a group called Infinity, whose existence has begun at this very school. There will be four signs that the end is coming, the first being a great war that?s involves every country in the entire world. The second sign being the use of a weapon that quiets the voices of nearly 150000 at once. The third sign will be giant metal birds flying into two spears that scrape the sky. The fourth and final sign will be the destruction of this school by god of the mountain.

*As the Headmaster listened intently to the student?s prophecy, trying to make sense of what he has just heard, a hidden ninja begins to move believing the prophecy is over*

Ninja: My superiors will reward me richly for gaining this prophecy, but first I think I?ll take care of everybody who has heard this prophecy. *the ninja begins to surround the dojo with explosives before silently entering the dojo, going room to room killing students as the slept*


Headmaster:*back in the main chamber, the Headmaster begins to speak to the student* You student, tell me, is there any way to advert this disaster and save our school and quite possibly the world?


Student: Yes, there is one her could save the world, he will be an idiot, but will wield a katana as pure as snow with the elegance of cherry blossom petals flowing through the wind

Headmaster: *thinks to himself: What?s an idiot?* What is the name of this idiot?

*as the student begins to speak the name of this idiot, the entire dojo is filled with fire as the explosions are set off*

Ninja: *jumping roof top to roof top while laughing and holding onto the white katana* The old fool never saw this coming! Now to quickly leave the area and report this to the Infiniti leaders


The following day, the entire school mourned the loss of the headmaster, the students and faculty that made up the Future Sight. From that point on, the technique of Future Sight was never taught or mentioned again.
Over the centuries, the incident was forgotten, only mentioned as a tale of warning against the use of Future Sight. The white katana was also dismissed as a legend from a time long ago by the school and its students. As the years passed, the world was engulfed in two World Wars, the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki and the attacks on the World Trade Centers, fulfilling three of the four prophecies given that day. On the same day that the Towers fell, a child was born, the one that would in the future be labeled an idiot.​

Boy: *yawns and wakes up on the floor* How do I keep falling out of the bed? Maybe there?s a curse on me or something

Meet Akash, Our idiot savior

(I know its short, but its a primer to judge whether or not I should continue writing, so please be nice)
 

KeotsuEclipse

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Heh. :rolleyes:

Honestly though, you have a the foundation of a very good story here. From what I gathered from this chapter, it looks like it might be interesting.

I hope you do continue it, and I look forward to Chapter 1. ^_^
 

BishamonSama

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You wanted my advice so now I'm going to give it to you :p
The first two paragraphs are unnecessary. Explaining your story outright like that is unoriginal and a bit boring. Instead, it's much more interesting to let the reader discover the background of the story for themselves. For instance, instead of saying "This school has been training and supplying some of the world?s most dangerous and elusive assassins and ninjas", you could have a character walking down a hallway of the school, looking at the paintings of famous alumni or something.

I'm not a fan of the font, but that doesn't have to do with the story :p

The Headmaster's response to the teacher (after the teacher states that the students have seen a vision) is ok. It's good that the Headmaster shows doubt instead of immediate acceptance.

I like how the Headmaster draws his katana like that. It shows that he is not to be messed with, and it SHOWS us something about his personality rather than TELLING it to us.

I was surprised by the student's entrance as a character. It wasn't mentioned before that he was there. His entrance is rather abrupt, and rather convenient for the teacher. It would've been better if the teacher had cowered away from the Headmaster, and if then the teacher brought the Headmaster to the student to prove his claim.

The entrance of the Ninja is also very abrupt, and a bit awkward. You need a lot more dialogue between the characters before introducing more characters. I like how the Ninja slaughters the innocent students, but there's absolutely no buildup to the slaughtering. It happens so quickly and so abruptly that we don't feel any emotional attachment to the slain students, rendering their slaughter meaningless to us.

And then the Ninja kills everyone. Again, we haven't had enough time to get to know the killed characters, so there deaths don't mean anything to us from an emotional standpoint.


Basically, all of these things could be solved by making the Prelude and the dialogue longer. Even though it's just a Prelude, it shouldn't feel so abrupt and clunky.
 

RokuNR

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o_O

Very interesting. You could have done without the first paragraph completely O_O
It's got a strong foundation for a story, but this chapter itself wasn't as engaging as I hope the rest will be, which was absolutely crucial as the first chapter is the gripper. How compelling it is determines whether or not people will read more chapters in the future O_O

Good luck with the rest of the story, Rag. I'll keep reading to see how you fair with this story. It has potential. O_O

And lmao! Akash O_O
 
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