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Zanu

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Hey, id like some feedback on the history for my bio. This is as far as ive gotten til now.

Jimmie (J will be used short for Jimmie) was born in Konoha, his father a hard looking man who had a scroll strapped to his back. He was a missing nin from Kumogakure and his mother a member of a family thats served Konoha since founding. His father left soon after his sons birth for unknown reasonsbut the father had made sure he would meet his son again.Growing up he learned that his father was a great shinobi who was fair and kind but also hard about following the right path and doing good for man. J at this time was reading a fiction story about a samurai that guarded the citys, the shinshengumi. They wore black unforms with gold thread around the collar and cuffs and a katan on the hip. He starts taking after them at young age and gets his mother to make the uniform. He then when not in the acadamy or on mission he wears it and patrols Konoha and the suroundings. He started of in the outskirts by him self but later on he started to go to the city aswell. Some children his age were not slow how ever to prey on J's kindness and gentleness, the childrens beatings and and taunts made J bitter and Angry. So he secluded him self at his familys home and started to train with his katana. He was also studying in the Academy at this time and he was the top pupil in his class, not because he was the brightest or fastest to learn but everything he learned he exelled in. When he was done in the Academy at age 15 he had changed, he did not show this in school were hey was well mannered and calmness it self.
When he wore the uniform he became almost possesed by a angered demon out for revenge. He started walking the woods, all the woods Konoha had and waited. One day when he was walking throu a small clearing he saw 3 backs standing in a half circle around a very young shinobi from Kumo maybe 6 or 7 years of age. The 3 stood over the boy who had blond hair and bronze skin like hungry beast, all laughing and poking him like he was a toy. Then J recognised the 3 men, they shinobi who graduated at the same time as him, they had also been the worst of the all of the children who had tormented him so much.Just as he realises this he starts running in a frenzy with no sound towards em, after the dust falls J is standing over the first he had taken down with a spin kick to the head, a kunai almost piercing throat on the man when he feels something change..the sound the wind the gravity everything seemed to change he looked to the left were the boy had been standing and there was a man also from Kumo gudging by the clothing and headband, and he looked just like the boy tho this man looked far far harder and more dangerous. J forgets about the downed man and stands to face the stranger. *you saved my boy young one, you have my thanks and respect but im sure he could have mannaged* the man says as he smiles, J laughs to him self at this but shows it not *If i saved the boy it was not my intention since he is of no interest of mine, i was simply about to end these scum filled skinbags when you interupted me, why would 2 kumo and a child at that come in secret to come in to Konoha? tell me this*
The old man looking pleased *You seem to be no fool and this makes me glad, you said you have no interest in this boy and that i interrupted you in some killing..The boy be of interest since he is your brother and its a fine thing that interupted you cuz a father job stop his son from making a misstake wich it would be to kill these men, what ever hard times they have given you they do not desrve your wrath*.
The second J understood what the man had said his body stiffend and he lets out a battleshout as he starts charging while drawing his Katana and Wakizashi since he has trained hard in mastering the duelwielding style. But before his weapons are half drawn his father appears a few inches from him glowing with lighting armor, J is amazed at the speed then everything turns black. When he wakes up his gut feels as if hes been hit with a logg and his head like a throbbing lump of cement. The man calling him self his father walks up to him from a roaring fire in a little clearing. He sits down and hands the boy a cup, J stairs at the hand like its a bad dream come to life. *It will ease the pain and lighten your head....If i had wanted you dead you would be*. He took the cup, smelled it and then swallod the whole thing in one mouth, making a grim face after. After getting better and talking to his father he learned why he had come to meet them both. They had been coming to Konha and checking up on J since his brother had turned 1. His brothers name was Jojimbo and his father Jimbei. His brothers mother who Jimbei had meet on his journys after leaving J's Mother had died a few months after birth. And after that Jimbei started journys with his infant son. Of course he had been train since he could walk so he was infact very strong Jimbei assured. Today how ever his father had decieded to confront his son and make amends. Throu luck the boy had been in hiding and waiting for his father to return when the 3 shinobi thugs had stumbled upon him.
His father presented him with two choices. Go back to the village and train and patrol alone, or join his father to be trained and patrol the whole ninja world. His father said they would be gone atleast 3years on the first part of the journy then you can decied to continue or return to Konoha. J looked aside his anger wich he had look upon for so long and decied instantly that he would join his father and train with him.
The 3 first years pass faster then he thought. He quckly decieded he would stay the whole 5. He had oddly taken a liking to spending time with his family.That word no longer sickened him when he thought of the 2 as it. Now he felt at ease almost happy. After the 5 years he was a grown man, 20 years old and wearing a pitch black uniform with gold on the cuffs and neck and scroll strapped to his back. His blond hair waving rom the wind and a cigarette hanging losely in the mouth. *Man the great gate of Konoha still looks the same* He had returned when he heared the new Hokage was preparing the city after a devestating attack.

I know the gramma and spelling might be of so sorryf for my poor knowldege and my story telling might be weak.
 
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Wildtangent

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QUOTE=Zanu;3591406]Hey, id like some feedback on the history for my bio. This is as far as ive gotten til now.

Jimmie (J will be used short for Jimmie) was born i onthe outskirts of Konoha, his father a hard looking man who had a scroll strapped to his back. He was a missing nin from Kumogakure and his mother a member of a family thats served Konoha since founding. His father left soon after his sons birth for unknown reasons but the father had made sure he would meet his son again.Growing up he learned that his father was a great shinobi who was fair and kind but also hard about following the right path and doing good for man. J at this time was reading a fiction story about a samurai that guarded the city, shinshengumi. They wore black unforms with gold thread around the collar and cuffs and a katan on the hip. He starts taking after them at a young age and gets his mother to make the uniform. He then, when not in the acadamy or on mission he wears it and patrols Konoha and the suroundings. He started off in the outskirts by him self but later on he started to go to the city. Some children his age were not slow however, to prey on J's kindness and gentleness. The childrens beatings and and tauntings made J bitter and angry. So he secluded him self at his familys home and started to train with his katana. He was also studying in the Academy at this time and was the top pupil in his class; not because he was the brightest or fastest to learn but everything he learned he exelled in. When he was done in the Academy at age 15 he had changed, he did not show this in school, were he was well mannered and calm.
When he wore the uniform he became almost possesed by a angered demon out for revenge. He started walking all the woods Konoha had and waited. One day when he was walking through a small clearing he saw 3 men standing in a half circle around a very young shinobi from Kumo maybe 6 or 7 years of age. The 3 stood over the boy who had blonde hair and bronze skin , like a hungry beast, all of them where laughing and poking him like he was a toy. Then J recognised the 3 men, they shinobi who graduated at the same time as him, they had also been the worst of the all of the children who had tormented him so much. Just as he realises this he starts running in a frenzy without making a sound towards them, after the dust falls J is standing over the first he had taken down with a spin kick to the head, a kunai almost piercing the throat on the man when he feels something change..the sound the wind the gravity everything seemed to change he looked to the left were the boy had been standing and there was a man also from Kumo gudging by the clothing and headband, and he looked just like the boy though this man looked far far harder and more dangerous. J forgets about the downed man and stands to face the stranger. *you saved my boy young one, you have my thanks and respect but im sure he could have mannaged* the man says as he smiles, J laughs to him self at this but shows does not show it *If i saved the boy it was not my intention since he is of no interest of mine, i was simply about to end these scum filled skinbags when you interupted me, why would 2 kumo and a child at that come in secret to come in to Konoha? tell me this*
The old man looking pleased *You seem to be no fool and this makes me glad, you said you have no interest in this boy and that i interrupted you in some killing..The boy be of interest since he is your brother and its a fine thing that I interupted you because it's a father job to stop his son from making a mistake, whatever hard times they have given you they do not deserve your wrath.

I know the gramma and spelling might be of so sorryf for my poor knowldege and my story telling might be weak.[/QUOTE]

I edited some of it in red and other minor things. (as in grammer and spelling) The one sentence I highlighted doesnt really make sense and I'm not to sure on what your trying to say. But the story itself is good :)
 

Zanu

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QUOTE=Zanu;3591406]Hey, id like some feedback on the history for my bio. This is as far as ive gotten til now.

Jimmie (J will be used short for Jimmie) was born i onthe outskirts of Konoha, his father a hard looking man who had a scroll strapped to his back. He was a missing nin from Kumogakure and his mother a member of a family thats served Konoha since founding. His father left soon after his sons birth for unknown reasons but the father had made sure he would meet his son again.Growing up he learned that his father was a great shinobi who was fair and kind but also hard about following the right path and doing good for man. J at this time was reading a fiction story about a samurai that guarded the city, shinshengumi. They wore black unforms with gold thread around the collar and cuffs and a katan on the hip. He starts taking after them at a young age and gets his mother to make the uniform. He then, when not in the acadamy or on mission he wears it and patrols Konoha and the suroundings. He started off in the outskirts by him self but later on he started to go to the city. Some children his age were not slow however, to prey on J's kindness and gentleness. The childrens beatings and and tauntings made J bitter and angry. So he secluded him self at his familys home and started to train with his katana. He was also studying in the Academy at this time and was the top pupil in his class; not because he was the brightest or fastest to learn but everything he learned he exelled in. When he was done in the Academy at age 15 he had changed, he did not show this in school, were he was well mannered and calm.
When he wore the uniform he became almost possesed by a angered demon out for revenge. He started walking all the woods Konoha had and waited. One day when he was walking through a small clearing he saw 3 men standing in a half circle around a very young shinobi from Kumo maybe 6 or 7 years of age. The 3 stood over the boy who had blonde hair and bronze skin , like a hungry beast, all of them where laughing and poking him like he was a toy. Then J recognised the 3 men, they shinobi who graduated at the same time as him, they had also been the worst of the all of the children who had tormented him so much. Just as he realises this he starts running in a frenzy without making a sound towards them, after the dust falls J is standing over the first he had taken down with a spin kick to the head, a kunai almost piercing the throat on the man when he feels something change..the sound the wind the gravity everything seemed to change he looked to the left were the boy had been standing and there was a man also from Kumo gudging by the clothing and headband, and he looked just like the boy though this man looked far far harder and more dangerous. J forgets about the downed man and stands to face the stranger. *you saved my boy young one, you have my thanks and respect but im sure he could have mannaged* the man says as he smiles, J laughs to him self at this but shows does not show it *If i saved the boy it was not my intention since he is of no interest of mine, i was simply about to end these scum filled skinbags when you interupted me, why would 2 kumo and a child at that come in secret to come in to Konoha? tell me this*
The old man looking pleased *You seem to be no fool and this makes me glad, you said you have no interest in this boy and that i interrupted you in some killing..The boy be of interest since he is your brother and its a fine thing that I interupted you because it's a father job to stop his son from making a mistake, whatever hard times they have given you they do not deserve your wrath.

I know the gramma and spelling might be of so sorryf for my poor knowldege and my story telling might be weak.
I edited some of it in red and other minor things. (as in grammer and spelling) The one sentence I highlighted doesnt really make sense and I'm not to sure on what your trying to say. But the story itself is good :)[/QUOTE]

Thx :) and the sentence you are speaking about i sume u mean *
Just as he realises this he starts running in a frenzy without making a sound towards them, after the dust falls J is standing over the first he had taken down with a spin kick to the head, a kunai almost piercing the throat on the man when he feels something change*

I was meaning to look as if went into a ragemode or blackout since these guys have hurt and abused him in the past. Tho it might be porly stated ><
 

Wildtangent

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I edited some of it in red and other minor things. (as in grammer and spelling) The one sentence I highlighted doesnt really make sense and I'm not to sure on what your trying to say. But the story itself is good :)
Thx :) and the sentence you are speaking about i sume u mean *
Just as he realises this he starts running in a frenzy without making a sound towards them, after the dust falls J is standing over the first he had taken down with a spin kick to the head, a kunai almost piercing the throat on the man when he feels something change*

I was meaning to look as if went into a ragemode or blackout since these guys have hurt and abused him in the past. Tho it might be porly stated ><[/QUOTE]

that sounds good :)
 
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Zanu

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Thx :) and the sentence you are speaking about i sume u mean *
Just as he realises this he starts running in a frenzy without making a sound towards them, after the dust falls J is standing over the first he had taken down with a spin kick to the head, a kunai almost piercing the throat on the man when he feels something change*

I was meaning to look as if went into a ragemode or blackout since these guys have hurt and abused him in the past. Tho it might be porly stated ><
that sounds good :)[/QUOTE]

Thank you :) gonna throw some rep and catnip your way :D
 

Wildtangent

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Hey, id like some feedback on the history for my bio. This is as far as ive gotten til now.

Jimmie (J will be used short for Jimmie) was born in Konoha, his father a hard looking man who had a scroll strapped to his back. He was a missing nin from Kumogakure and his mother a member of a family thats served Konoha since founding. His father left soon after his sons birth for unknown reasonsbut the father had made sure he would meet his son again. Growing up he learned that his father was a great shinobi who was fair and kind but also hard about following the right path and doing good for man. J at this time was reading a fiction story about a samurai that guarded the citys, the shinshengumi. They wore black unforms with gold thread around the collar and cuffs and a katan on the hip. He starts taking after them at a young age and gets his mother to make the uniform. He then, when not in the acadamy or on mission, wears it and patrols Konoha and the suroundings. He started of in the outskirts by him self but later on he started to go to the city as well. Some children his age were not slow however to prey on J's kindness and gentleness, the childrens beatings and and taunts made J bitter and Angry. So he secluded him self at his familys home and started to train with his katana. He was also studying in the Academy at this time and he was the top pupil in his class, not because he was the brightest or fastest to learn but everything he learned he exelled in. When he was done in the Academy at age 15 he had changed, he did not show this in school were hey was well mannered and calmness it self.
When he wore the uniform he became almost possesed by a angered demon out for revenge. He started walking the woods, all the woods Konoha had and waited. One day when he was walking throu a small clearing he saw 3 backs standing in a half circle around a very young shinobi from Kumo maybe 6 or 7 years of age. The 3 stood over the boy who had blond hair and bronze skin like hungry beast, all laughing and poking him like he was a toy. Then J recognised the 3 men, they shinobi who graduated at the same time as him, they had also been the worst of the all of the children who had tormented him so much.Just as he realises this he starts running in a frenzy with no sound towards em, after the dust falls J is standing over the first he had taken down with a spin kick to the head, a kunai almost piercing throat on the man when he feels something change..the sound the wind the gravity everything seemed to change he looked to the left were the boy had been standing and there was a man also from Kumo gudging by the clothing and headband, and he looked just like the boy tho this man looked far far harder and more dangerous. J forgets about the downed man and stands to face the stranger. *you saved my boy young one, you have my thanks and respect but im sure he could have mannaged* the man says as he smiles, J laughs to him self at this but shows it not *If i saved the boy it was not my intention since he is of no interest of mine, i was simply about to end these scum filled skinbags when you interupted me, why would 2 kumo and a child at that come in secret to Konoha? tell me this*
The old man looking pleased *You seem to be no fool and this makes me glad, you said you have no interest in this boy and that i interrupted you in some killing..The boy be of interest since he is your brother and its a fine thing that I interupted you cuz its a fathers job to stop his son from making a mistake wich it would be to kill these men, whatever hard times they have given you they do not desrve your wrath*.
The second J understood what the man had said his body stiffend and he lets out a battleshout as he starts charging while drawing his Katana and Wakizashi since he has trained hard in mastering the duelwielding style. But before his weapons are half drawn his father appears a few inches from him glowing with lighting armor, J is amazed at the speed then everything turns black. When he wakes up his gut feels as if hes been hit with a log and his head like a throbbing lump of cement. The man calling him self his father walks up to him from a roaring fire in a little clearing. He sits down and hands the boy a cup, J stairs at the hand like its a bad dream come to life. *It will ease the pain and lighten your head....If I had wanted you dead you would be*. He took the cup, smelled it and then swallowed the whole thing in one gulp, making a grim face after. After getting better and talking to his father he learned why he had come to meet them both. They had been coming to Konha and checking up on J since his brother had turned 1. His brothers name was Jojimbo and his father Jimbei. His brothers mother who Jimbei had met on his journys after leaving J's Mother had died a few months after birth. And after that Jimbei started journys with his infant son. Of course he had been training since he could walk so he was infact very strong Jimbei assured. Today however his father had decieded to confront his son and make amends. Through luck the boy had been in hiding and waiting for his father to return when the 3 shinobi thugs had stumbled upon him.
His father presented him with two choices. Go back to the village and train and patrol alone, or join his father to be trained and patrol the whole ninja world. His father said they would be gone at least 3 years on the first part of the journy then you can decied to continue or return to Konoha. J looked aside his anger which he had look upon for so long and decided instantly that he would join his father and train with him.
The 3 first years pass faster then he thought. He quckly decided he would stay the whole 5 year journy. He had oddly taken a liking to spending time with his family.That word no longer sickened him when he thought of the 2 as it. Now he felt at ease almost happy. After the 5 years he was a grown man, 20 years old and wearing a pitch black uniform with gold on the cuffs and neck and scroll strapped to his back. His blond hair waving rom the wind and a cigarette hanging losely in the mouth. *Man the great gate of Konoha still looks the same* He had returned when he heared the new Hokage was preparing the city after a devestating attack.

I know the grammer and spelling might be off so sorry for my poor knowledge and my story telling might be weak.
I fixed some of the grammer :) But I like it :)
 
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