Girl, you've said your body is my lust,
before you've told me,
you knows me from the bottoms of your heart,
but i must say,
you know more about the dust in the winds........
and the stones rained from those skies.....
but i loves you more than anything in this world
so let me tell you what i craves about you .
I've wrote about
those thousands of stars,,,,,
but i never craved them as your eyes......
I've wrote about
the redness of the roses,,,,,
but i never craved them as your lips,,,,,,
beautiful waterfalls haven't captured my heart
the way your flowing hair does,
those perfect sculptures
-of the heavens never caught my eyes......
as the way it caught your beauty
as of now you must know they've gone blind .
If this world told it to my face,
then i wouldn't be fazed by it's cruelty
but it fazes me
-in every moment i meet your eyes,,,,,,,
because what i craves is everything
that's you from your mind,
the body to the soul from the bottoms of my heart
so when i runs through your mountains.......
just don't call it just my lust,
because i even envy the rain drops
that soaks and touches your body
but you've said your body is my lust
now you may know how it break my heart .
Good poem, but it does need some work though with grammar and maybe the poems structure should be bit more refined. However its still a good poem. I'm a pretty famous poet on this site and i'm working on writing professionally. Even though i'm not active much here are a few tips I've wrote myself and some that I've found to help in your journey down the road of poetry!
:bouncy:
1.
Focus on making the meaning and form of the poem connect
- The best form for your poem will depend on what it's about and the mood and feelings you want to create in the reader. The length of the line can make the reader go faster or slower, change the look of the poem on the page, focus attention on certain words. You may decide to incorporate other structural elements such as a certain number of syllables per line, a regular meter, or a rhyme scheme. All of this should work with, and contribute to, the poem's meaning.
- Write different versions, then look them over and compare. How do they look on the page? Dense and heavy, or light and delicate? How well does their appearance fit your poem? What about the sound? Try reading them out loud. What is the rhythm like, for example, short and choppy, bouncy, smooth? Are there places where your eye or voice pauses? Are these the right places? Which versions are most interesting to read? Are there any places where the look or sound becomes distracting (for example, if you have one very long line that sticks out too much)?
2.
Revision and use of words
- You might want to focus your attention on the poem's subject, considering it from different angles, developing strong ideas about it. Then, you can look for the best words to bring it to life on the page, to create a mental picture for the reader that matches the ideas in your own mind. Don't start correcting yourself or editing too soon. That can stop the ideas from flowing. Give yourself time to get everything on paper. Maybe sleep on it, then write some new ideas. When you feel that you've gotten everything down, then take a look at what you've got.
- Ask yourself these questions.
- Are there words that don't seem quite right for what they're describing? Are there words that don't serve a purpose? If you can remove something without hurting the poem, it's usually a good idea to remove it.
- Is there anything there that doesn't feel genuine, that's only there because it seems "poetic," to impress the reader? Remove or replace anything that is just "showing off."
- Are there parts of the poem that you like better than others? Are there parts you should delete? Are there parts that don't quite fit, that should be cut out or integrated better? Is there a particularly interesting part that might suggest taking the poem in a new direction?
- Experiment like crazy. Try different forms, different angles. Try putting the ideas in a different order. Try everything that you think might improve the poem. You've got nothing to lose -- you can always go back to a previous draft.
3.
Read other peoples poetry and learn from them
- Reading the poetry of others allow you to gain experience with finding rhyme schemes, meter, or stanza structure in poems. Also reading their poems may help build your vocabulary and choice of words to fit a certain line, thus offering stronger understanding of that line and the poems meaning. This can help you introduce new words into some your own future poems as well!
*Other than that here are some links for more tips in becoming a greater poet. Every poet has his or her own way of working -- there's no right or wrong method. Hope this helps a lot in your journey.
:bouncy:
Poetry Structure(Lines and Stanzas):
You must be registered for see links
Poetry Meter:
You must be registered for see links
Poetry Rhyme Schemes:
You must be registered for see links
Top New Poet Pitfalls:
You must be registered for see links
