Darksiders rise of the horsemen: Chapter two: birth of eden

naruto kyuubi

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CHAPTER 2
I stood before the council of the heaven, following the death of my father the Nephilims were leaderless. Though most of them follow me as if I am their next leader which I will eventually be, the final decision lied with the council.
In the huge circular room I saw the creator sitting on the golden throne Azrael the angel of death stood by his right hand he was the strongest of the angels perhaps even stronger than me who am I kidding of course then I was no match for his powers and by the left hand stood Ulthane the iron smith without a match. They were the old ones one of the first creations of the creator. Azrael had a face that radiated power and wisdom he was one who saw the great battle against the darkness yet his face age less white eye gleamed with understanding and pride his great wings spread behind him. I noticed it was bigger than other angels, by his side stood the angels and archangels hell guards bearing their arms and Abbadon their general. While beside Ulthane stood the race of the giants these creatures were epitome of brute strength but their skill with hammer and anvil were unsurpassable. They were the master of runes using them to imbue weapons with great power. The creator stood up his golden mane flowing in the air his very gaze held such a power that all of the present sunk in a deep bow. He addressed me directly, “Nathaniel, I hereby appoint you as the new leader of the Nephilims and for now you will serve under Abbadon in battle. And now to all the citizens of the Crimson city, my time is short I will pass to a greater world and with my powers I will create the heavens strongest gift for future. As you all know the fore bringers of humanity are created and sent to earth, they are weak but cunning they form the third kingdom time will come when the kingdoms shall charge on to each other and this universe shall end in flames. But this is not the time, for that time being I charge you with the safe keeping of earth.” Now he ordered me, Azrael and Ulthane to follow him, we went to a great field all barren their he sat and focused his energies the trees started growing I could see the formation of a new heaven though smaller its beauty even paled heaven, I thus witnessed the birth of Eden and the tree of knowledge holding the power of his essence grew tall. I stood there witnessing the incredible power and beauty of the place; it was calling out to me. The promise of the power it held seemed to dull my senses. I didn’t know when I started walking towards the garden suddenly I found my path blocked by the great wing of Azrael, “Snap out of young chieftain. You are not yet worthy of this great power it will tear you apart the very fabrics of your body will be demolished.” I replied angrily, “but this power it may be my only chance to seek vengeance upon the hell and bring peace for once and all.” Unexpectedly Abbadon came to my side, “I support the young Nephilim’s choice the tyranny of hell has gone for too long again and again they crash upon the gates of heaven and every time they grow stronger let us use the creator’s powers in battle and victory will be ours.” Azrael snapped back,”stop you insolent fools none of you have any idea what you are talking about, you do not know the secrets of the power.”
Next: what is this power Azrael speaks of what secret the old one carry.



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Seffy

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Saw a few mistakes. Noticed a run on sentence. Read it in a rush as well >.< but seems cool! You should add spaces in it though to make it easier to read ;)
 

Reborn

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A few errors here and there. Breaks every once in a while make it easier to read, I lost my place a few times.

Sorry I read this kind of late and my head is half asleep, forgive me if I don't give the usual review I normally would but I have some advice for you.

You're using first person perspective, which is good, however, don't always have the character describing one detail after another plainy

Ex. This character does/says this. The next character does/says this

Try to add some life to it and make the entire story flow with one another, also make adj. metaphors, similies, and imagery in general you're best friend. You want to describe how the protagonist is experiencing everything around him, not just observing or witnessing.

Idk, I could be missing something. You probably did do better then what I'm making it sound like but like I said, I'm half awake lol. I'll re-read it in the morrow and see if I missed anything.

Overall I liked it a lot, it was still good but always shoot for better then where you are. There is no such thing as perfection (I should know right ~.~ xd) which is actually good.

Perfection implies a finite, where as the absence of perfection means you can always do better and better and better. It's infinite and in certian cases infinite possiblilties are better then finite ones...alright now I know I'm out of itxd
 

naruto kyuubi

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To reborn and one chick thanx for all the tips.i wil be more careful next time.and as the story i needed to make the images for azrael and others bt didnt get any idea how to do that by words so made it a bit boring.
 

Reborn

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To reborn and one chick thanx for all the tips.i wil be more careful next time.and as the story i needed to make the images for azrael and others bt didnt get any idea how to do that by words so made it a bit boring.
When describing other characters in first person perspectives, use metaphors and similies to convey how they appear to that character.

Azrael's presence felt like one beyond that of any normal angel. His poise alone showed the vast wisdom and power over me. It made me feel...inferior.

You could also use this method to try to convey how other characters appear to ract to him by using your central character.

Around the room, I saw nothing but respect in the mannors of those around me, for the three mighty figures that stood before me. All three, baring so much experience, power, and prestige. I could tell there was envy, fear, a feel of security coming from everybody, which one was I?

Just make the image as clear as you can, use how you're central character feels to convey how he reacts to certian characters, also use their observation of how other's react to the characters you want to describe in order to get a stronger sense of that character. By doing the latter you get a feeling of what type of character he is (in this case Azreal) by the level of common feeling he demands when he is present. Does this all make sense?
 
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