Change log:
- Added note that it can only be used once
- Reiterated only having 2 time frames to the user only being able to use two jutsu while maintaining the jutsu
- Reiterated the lightning bolt to counting as a jutsu.
- Added restrictions to the users ability to use Water and Lightning jutsus afterwards A rank and above
- Converted 1/2 mile into meters.
Type: Offensive/Supplementary
Rank: F
Range: Long
Chakra: 50 (-10 per turn)
Damage: N/a (-10 to user)
Description: After weaving 4 handseals, the user gathers and releases a large amount of Senjutsu Thundercloud Storm chakra into the air. This causes a roughly 800m wide f5 tornado made of black thunderclouds to form around the user. The jutsu will then passively drain up to 50 chakra from any non storm ninjutsu. This will either dissipate the jutsu or weaken it according to the amount of chakra lost. Once at full capacity, the user can weave 3 handseals and cause an F ranked storm release lightning bolt to strike their target from the thunderclouds using the chakra absorbed.
Note: Can only be used by those taught by Kooljay
Note: Can only be used by bios in Sage Mode and with mastery over Storm Release
Note: Can only be used once
Note: This jutsu lasts for up to 4 turns or until the user ends it.
Note: The user may only use Storm Release jutsu while using this jutsu.
Note: The user can only use additional jutsu while maintaining this jutsu.
Note: The Lightning Bolt counts as a jutsu.
Note: After using the technique, the user can’t use storm, lightning, or suiton release techniques A rank and above for 1 turn.
Declined by Imperfect.
800m is far too large. I don't think there's ever been a Custom approved that has such a range actually specified in clear writing. When Daemon mentioned meters being our standard unit of measurement in the RP, I don't think he considered you'd make it a straight conversion, as it's simply too large. Half a mile? Just because Long Range is defined by everything beyond 15m doesn't mean we can make techniques like this of such a scale. If they are, it's typically alteration of the land/ landmark, and limited cases where techniques can affect adjacent Landmarks, like in the case of some Tailed Beast Bombs via their Pathways. Stuff like the Topography Scroll technique shapes the land to a design, but don't typically inherently have anything offensive about them on their own, and they definitely don't have ancillary effects like Chakra absorption. Techniques like the Topography Scroll one are weighed differently than say a Rasengan when checked. If you tried to make an 800m wide Rasengan, you'd expect that to go poorly, right? Even the canon list's resident F-5 Tornado is kept relatively contained, see the spoiler below for reference.
The rate of absorption and the fact that you don't state what the "full capacity" is are also an issue. This technique would absorb 50 Chakra from any and all sources present, which easily breaks absorption standards and rules for fields like Fuin, Dark, etc. One person and one of their Jutsu could easily amount to 90-100 Chakra with their own S-Rank or F-Rank technique, which is double the amount you use for this technique from one hypothetical interaction, then there is the fact that, with no limit on sealing, and you using all of the Chakra this technique gathers, within just 1 turn you can return a 90 - 100 Chakra 100 damage Lightning bolt to anywhere within that 800m range? And that is just the minimum hypothetical, working off one opponent with one Chakra pool using one technique? The scale of this is just too much. Essentially what you have right now amounts to infinite Chakra absorption from every potential source, which would erase everything that isn't a boosted F-Rank Jutsu, or a Jutsu with a higher Chakra count, like Yin, Yang Adv Fuin, etc, and can then be used to fire an uncapped Chakra value thunderbolt back at your target. All of that needs to be toned down immensely, especially the rate of absorption and the lack of cap on it, because absorbing 50 Chakra from everything within range with no limit can't be allowed, as it's basically infinite Fuinjutsu absorption for 4 turns. A lower rate of absorption that slowly builds over that 4 turn period and then allows you to perform a static Chakra value thunderbolt would be far better.
Also the damage listed on this technique is N/A, meaning 0. Just a suggestion, but maybe give the thunderbolt some damage?
800m is far too large. I don't think there's ever been a Custom approved that has such a range actually specified in clear writing. When Daemon mentioned meters being our standard unit of measurement in the RP, I don't think he considered you'd make it a straight conversion, as it's simply too large. Half a mile? Just because Long Range is defined by everything beyond 15m doesn't mean we can make techniques like this of such a scale. If they are, it's typically alteration of the land/ landmark, and limited cases where techniques can affect adjacent Landmarks, like in the case of some Tailed Beast Bombs via their Pathways. Stuff like the Topography Scroll technique shapes the land to a design, but don't typically inherently have anything offensive about them on their own, and they definitely don't have ancillary effects like Chakra absorption. Techniques like the Topography Scroll one are weighed differently than say a Rasengan when checked. If you tried to make an 800m wide Rasengan, you'd expect that to go poorly, right? Even the canon list's resident F-5 Tornado is kept relatively contained, see the spoiler below for reference.
The rate of absorption and the fact that you don't state what the "full capacity" is are also an issue. This technique would absorb 50 Chakra from any and all sources present, which easily breaks absorption standards and rules for fields like Fuin, Dark, etc. One person and one of their Jutsu could easily amount to 90-100 Chakra with their own S-Rank or F-Rank technique, which is double the amount you use for this technique from one hypothetical interaction, then there is the fact that, with no limit on sealing, and you using all of the Chakra this technique gathers, within just 1 turn you can return a 90 - 100 Chakra 100 damage Lightning bolt to anywhere within that 800m range? And that is just the minimum hypothetical, working off one opponent with one Chakra pool using one technique? The scale of this is just too much. Essentially what you have right now amounts to infinite Chakra absorption from every potential source, which would erase everything that isn't a boosted F-Rank Jutsu, or a Jutsu with a higher Chakra count, like Yin, Yang Adv Fuin, etc, and can then be used to fire an uncapped Chakra value thunderbolt back at your target. All of that needs to be toned down immensely, especially the rate of absorption and the lack of cap on it, because absorbing 50 Chakra from everything within range with no limit can't be allowed, as it's basically infinite Fuinjutsu absorption for 4 turns. A lower rate of absorption that slowly builds over that 4 turn period and then allows you to perform a static Chakra value thunderbolt would be far better.
Also the damage listed on this technique is N/A, meaning 0. Just a suggestion, but maybe give the thunderbolt some damage?
(Fūton: Tatsuno Ooshigoto) - Wind Style: Severing Pressure
Type: Offensive
Rank: A
Range: Short-Mid
Chakra: 30
Damage: 60
Description: The user sends wind into the sky to darken the clouds and make the environment stormy. These clouds will create a cutting tornado that comes down as a F-5 tornado with slicing wind.
Type: Offensive
Rank: A
Range: Short-Mid
Chakra: 30
Damage: 60
Description: The user sends wind into the sky to darken the clouds and make the environment stormy. These clouds will create a cutting tornado that comes down as a F-5 tornado with slicing wind.
Change Log:
- Replaced References to Curse Mark with Perfect Sage Mode
- Removed +10 Raiton Boost
- Mastered Senjutsu Training Here
Rank: F
Type: Offensive/Supplementary
Range: Short - Long
Chakra: 50 (-10 per turn)
Damage: 90 (-10 to user per turn)
Description: The Jiou Renzu Zakeruga Technique is a powerful trump card Lightning Release technique only made possible through the Senjutsu chakra of Perfect Sage Mode. After weaving 5 handseals the user creates a giant flying serpentine Chinese dragon the size of Manda made of senjutsu lightning release chakra. The dragon has four large blades on the sides of its head, and large scales at various points on its body, two comparatively small clawed hands, hard scales on various regular parts of its body, and many spikes on its tail. The slim form makes the dragon very aerodynamic and agile, allowing it exceptional speed. It attacks by dashing at its target while spinning like a drill which is F rank in strength, shooting off a barrage of his large scales in a manner similar to that of homing missiles up to long range, or channeling any raiton jutsu the user knows through it. The user must ride atop of the dragon while maintaining an electrical chakra tether with it to control and fuel the technique.
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Note: Can only be used by those taught by Kooljay
Note: Can only be used once.
Note: After using the jutsu, the user cannot use raiton above A rank for two turns.
Note: Lasts for up to 3 turns.
Note: The jutsu can only be used and maintained while the user is in Perfect Sage Mode
Note: The only ninjutsu the user can use is Raiton
Note: Ramming drill attack is F rank.
Note: Homing Scale are S rank.
Declined by Imperfect.
This doesn't state if the Drill or Scales use Jutsu from the user's turn, there's no overall usage cap or cooldown period on them so you can spam multiple F-Rank drills or S-Rank homing scales, etc. For this to work the way you intend, you'd need to pay the 40 or 50 Chakra each time they do these attacks, otherwise you're effectively getting 2 turns of S-Rank and Forbidden Rank attacks at the cost of 10 Chakra and 10 recoil, which doesn't make sense. Just like with the absorption in the previous technique breaking absorption rules, this would break Chakra consumption rules. 10 points of Chakra = 20 damage. You can't get 80 or 90 out of 10 Chakra, because it breaks this rate of conversion.
This doesn't state if the Drill or Scales use Jutsu from the user's turn, there's no overall usage cap or cooldown period on them so you can spam multiple F-Rank drills or S-Rank homing scales, etc. For this to work the way you intend, you'd need to pay the 40 or 50 Chakra each time they do these attacks, otherwise you're effectively getting 2 turns of S-Rank and Forbidden Rank attacks at the cost of 10 Chakra and 10 recoil, which doesn't make sense. Just like with the absorption in the previous technique breaking absorption rules, this would break Chakra consumption rules. 10 points of Chakra = 20 damage. You can't get 80 or 90 out of 10 Chakra, because it breaks this rate of conversion.
Mastered Monkey Sage Mode Training
Senpo: Shippo Wo Kaiten Sasete Sora Wo Tobu - Sage Art: Tail-Helicopter Technique
Type: Supplementary
Rank: A
Range: Short - Long
Chakra: 30 (-10 per turn)
Damage: n/a
Description: Once in Perfect Monkey Sage Mode, the user swings their tail in a circle fast enough, thanks to the strength granted to it by Perfect Monkey Sage Mode, to hover, fly, and maneuver freely through the air at their current running speed.
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Note: Can only be used by those taught by Kooljay
Note: Can only be used by those in Perfect Monkey Sage Mode
Declined by Imperfect.
Honestly, this is silly, but really the only issue is the part about flying at your current speed. You'd have to rotate that poor tail so fast it'd fall off to let it propel you through the air at x4 speeds. Sarcasm aside, read the Custom Submission Rules thread, and it states that any speed boosts can't exceed x2 without some kind of negative, and no speed boosts above x3 will be allowed in most if not all cases. Through requiring this to have you in Monkey Sage Mode, which has a base x4 modifier, it breaks this rule, because you're getting a speed modifier for the flight which exceeds that limit. That needs to be fixed, and you'll be fine. You can still go for a speed boost, but x4 is just too much.
Honestly, this is silly, but really the only issue is the part about flying at your current speed. You'd have to rotate that poor tail so fast it'd fall off to let it propel you through the air at x4 speeds. Sarcasm aside, read the Custom Submission Rules thread, and it states that any speed boosts can't exceed x2 without some kind of negative, and no speed boosts above x3 will be allowed in most if not all cases. Through requiring this to have you in Monkey Sage Mode, which has a base x4 modifier, it breaks this rule, because you're getting a speed modifier for the flight which exceeds that limit. That needs to be fixed, and you'll be fine. You can still go for a speed boost, but x4 is just too much.
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