Chapter 4 :
-How a Father Watches-
Everyday I fight a war against the mirror,
I can't take the person staring back at me,
I'm a hazard to myself,
Don't let me get me,
I'm my own worst enemy-Don't Let Me Get Me-Pink
It was Friday, three days after Itachi had woken up screaming. Fugaku was technically on his lunch break, but he had an important errand to run. The ANBU headquarters was just as dismal as the man remembered, though he'd never joined the organization. Fugaku had been a front line fighter in the War before becoming the head of the police department, and there'd never been time for him to get involved with ANBU.
Mikoto had served a short stint in ANBU before Itachi had been born. She'd been an excellent assassin, quick, quiet, and deadly. It still amazed Fuagku that she'd managed to settle down into the woman she was. Being a mother seemed to be her world now. Fugaku shook his head and wondered if he would ever be able to set aside his ninja duties and just be a father.
He doubted it.
Yesterday Itachi's eyes had bled again, and the person most distressed was Shisui. The boy was convinced he'd done something to bring on the attack, and he'd refused to go back in the room with Itachi again, but he wouldn't leave. Instead, he'd played with Sasuke out in the garden, and in the end, taken Sasuke to his house for the night.
Genzai could still find nothing wrong with the boy, and Itachi had gone into lock down after he woke up last night. He didn't want to talk to anyone. He wanted to be left alone, and Fugaku had convinced Mikoto that was the best thing to do. He hoped he was right. Itachi had always been a solitary person, and if he needed his space, it would be unwise not to give it to him. Maybe all he needed was rest.
Fugaku was waved through by the Chuunin at the main desk. Normally Fugaku would just report his son's leave of absence to his captain, but Itachi was the captain. In light of that, Fugaku made his way to the Second in commands office. He knew the way, even though he'd never been in ANBU.
He got several stares as he walked down the halls. It was obvious who he was, and he knew by the time he left there would be many rumors and whispers. Fugaku ignored them and knocked on the appropriate door. It took a while for him to get a response, but eventually a muffled voice called for him to come in.
Fugaku stepped into the small office and gave the man behind the desk a small bow. "Ken'ichi-san, it's a pleasure to see you again."
The man glanced up, and he looked far from pleased. "Fugaku-sama, to what so I owe this pleasure?"
"It's strictly business, I'm afraid." Fugaku handed the man a sealed scroll. "I regret to inform you my son is going to have to take a medical leave for a while."
"That's unfortunate news." Ken'ichi broke open the scroll and read it through. "We have him squad scheduled to take a mission in a few days. They were requested especially for this one. Itachi-kun is a valuable operative."
Fugaku nodded. "Then you should be more than willing to grant him a needed medical leave. It wouldn't do any good to cripple him now, so early in his career."
Ken'ichi made a noise that could have been assent. "The physician who examined him said he's suffering from chakra exhaustion, but it hasn't affected his performance on missions so far." Ken'ichi made the inquiry polite and unstated. Was there anything really wrong with the boy?
"It came on suddenly," Fugaku admitted. "Itachi's chakra system is not full developed, and the strain of running so many missions is undoubtedly catching up to him."
Ken'ichi's dark eyes got colder. "You wouldn't be suggesting ANBU has something to do with Itachi-kun's current condition, would you?"
Fugaku shook his head. "Not intentionally. Yes, it is the strain of keeping up with the demands of ANBU duty that has laid him low, but after a rest he will be ready to resume his duties in ANBU. He has gone three months now without any sort of break for injuries or otherwise. Would you begrudge such a faithful operative a little time to recuperate?"
Ken'ichi gave Fugaku a long level look before answering. "How long will he be 'recuperating'?"
"A week, at least. We're not sure exactly how long it will take him to get back to top form, but we will be certain to inform you when he does," Fugaku replied evenly.
"This, you understand, is highly irregular." Ken'ichi handed Fugaku back his scroll. "Most agents report directly here or to the medic for medical leave."
"Itachi is still a minor, and my son, ANBU or not. He resides in my house, under my care, and I think I am an accurate judge of his needs. At this time he is recovering and unable to appear before you himself." Fugaku gave the man a small bow. "Itachi sends his regards and his apologies." He would, if he was speaking to anyone at the moment.
Ken'ichi looked suspicious. This could, of course, be a plot by the Uchiha to get their genius back. Fugaku didn't have time to think about that. His son was not fit for any sort of ninja duty right now, much less ANBU level missions. Fugaku wasn't going to cause his son's death by trying to avoid whispers. The Uchiha needed Itachi alive and well, and Itachi was Fugaku's son.
Ken'ichi nodded. "Tell Itachi-kun we'll be happy to have him back, when his medical leave is over." The man said the words 'medical leave' as if they were bitter.
"My thanks, Ken'ichi-san." Fugaku gave the man a bow and walked out of his office.
It rankled to think that the man thought Fugaku had anything but his son's best interest at heart. Certainly, Itachi was the Uchiha Genius, and there was a lot riding on him, but he was still Fugaku's son. Fugaku might not always act like he remembered it, but he did. It was easier to always consider Sasuke as a son, since he was not yet a ninja and Fugaku had been around Sasuke for the boy's whole life. It was easy to look at Sasuke and think of the tiny baby he had been. With Itachi, it was harder.
Fugaku had been fighting in the war the first few years of Itachi's life, and he had only seen his son a few times a year. Itachi was already learning to be a ninja to fill up the shortage the war had created by the time Fugaku was home for good, and then Fugaku'd been dragged off to fulfill his duties as head of the clan and Chief of Police. He felt he was always playing catch up with his oldest son, who was growing more into his role as a ninja and a tool every time Fuagku turned around. It was becoming harder and harder to see him as a child and son, but these past few days had made it easier.
"Fugaku-sama!" The name came out quickly, like the speaker was surprised.
Fugaku turned and found himself looking at a tawny eyed man with dirty blond hair. He was in full ANBU gear, and there were a smear of blood on his bone white uniform. He stood with the rest of his squad, obviously just returned from a mission. Fugaku smiled and gave the man a bow. "Genma-kun, what a pleasure to see you again, and Raidou-kun, Iniochi-san, Tsume-san, and Kuromaru." Fugaku bowed to each in turn, even the dog.
Shiranui Genma smiled almost sheepishly back and rubbed at the back of his head. "Ah, the same...are you looking for Itachi-kun?"
Fugaku shook his head. "Unfortunately, Itachi is under the weather right now, and is on medical leave. I was just stopping by to inform Ken'ichi-san of this."
Genma looked suitably concerned. He had been Itachi's Sensei while the boy had been a Gennin. After graduating his team to Chuunin, Genma had returned to ANBU for a second stint in a place not many people survived their first. Raidou, Inoichi, and Tsume were also on their second ANBU runs.
"It's nothing too bad is it?" Genma asked.
"No, no, just some chakra exhaustion." In theory, and most hopefully. "He'll be back soon."
"Nothing you're not used to dealing with, ne, Fugaku-sama," Raidou put in. They'd met and fought briefly together during the war, and Fugaku and the fledgling medic Genma had spent a night coaxing both Raidou and Minato through acute chakra depletion, trying not to let them go into shock. The memory had stuck with Raidou, evidently.
"The pup looked pretty bad when we saw him last week, remember?" Tsume nudged Inoichi. "All pale and sick like. Smelled something terrible of ink and blood too."
Iniochi nodded. "We saw his squad coming back from what I assume was a bad mission. Itachi-kun looked worse for the wear, but he was with his squad so we didn't ask any questions."
Fugaku nodded, filing the information away. He'd ask Itachi about it when he got home. "If he was with his squad, I'm sure he was in very capable hands."
"Ah, leeches and ticks," Tsume growled. She held up her arm and displayed blood dripping out from under a bandage. "You were right, Genma. There was an anticoagulant on that guy's blade. This thing is still bleeding."
"I told you," Genma sighed gave Tsume a pointed look. "I am a poison expert, aren't I? I know these things. Hold pressure, will you? I ain't carryin' you when you pass out." Kuromaru growled at Genma who scowled back at the dog.
Fuagku shook his head and shared a look with Inoichi and Raidou. Once a medic, always a medic. "I can see you have some business to attend to, so I'll leave you to that." Fuagku gracefully withdrew, bowing again and exchanging goodbyes with Inoichi and Raidou. Genma was too busy fussing over Tsume to notice the man's departure.
Fugaku shook his head as he walked out the building. In ANBU there were war veterans struggling through their second stint. There were broken ninja no one else dare use. There were ninja one act away from being declared missing-nin. There were suicidal ninja just waiting to die. There were ninja who didn't care if the lived, died, or killed. Then there was Itachi, and Fugaku wondered, where did his child fit into this nest of mad-men and lunatics?
Itachi sat out on the back porch and watched a plant get pollinated by a bee. Itachi liked bees. They were busy, quick, and they commanded respect even though they were so small. Itachi had once told Shisui that he was like a bee. Shisui had laughed and said Itachi was more like a wasp than anything else. He didn't die after stinging someone, and his poison was potent.
Itachi watched the bee and drew himself inward. He focused himself and sighed. The other was still there, lurking in Itachi's mind. The other's thoughts were like a rumbling undercurrent to anything Itachi thought, and it was driving the Uchiha to distraction. What was it? why was it in his head?
Most importantly, how did he get it out?
How arrogant he was to assume he could get 'it' out, and how dare he call 'it' and 'it'.
Itachi pounced on that thought, drawing back to its source. He brushed against the other and for a moment he felt giddy. It had memories that Itachi had, some identical, and it had memories Itachi didn't have, and never would, like drowning Shisui, and murdering his parents. Itachi would never do those things.
What makes you so sure?
Itachi was startled to feel the other's thought so plainly. Other times the other's thoughts had been hard to distinguish from Itachi's own thoughts. Was he now hearing the other so well because he know knew there was something alien in his mind?
There's nothing alien about me. I'm having a fascinatingly confusing flash back right before I die.
Itachi scowled and pushed at the other. It didn't budge. It was disgusting how Itachi could hear the other's longing for death. Longing for death was weak. Why would anyone long for death? It was a cheap cop out when living got to hard. Itachi would never choose death over life just to escape misery.
So righteous in your naive stupidity. You'll beg for it one day.
No, he wouldn't. He was an Uchiha, and he would never beg for death.
You'll beg because you are Uchiha Itachi.
And why was that important? Why did that make the other so sure such a thing would happen.
I'm Uchiha Itachi, older, wiser, more miserable, and dying.
Itachi snorted. Right. He had his older self in his head. Itachi knew one thing, and that was he would never grow up to be like the other. He would never kill Shisui, and he'd never kill his parents. He especially would never alienate Sasuke so much the boy wanted to kill him, and he'd never welcome death. The other was too stupid to be Itachi. Ever.
You're already alienating your bother, and do you realize you've just called yourself stupid?
Itachi was not the other. He was himself. The other was to alien a creature in thought and memory to be Itachi.
You're right. I'm not you, but you'll be me given time.
Itachi snorted again. Never. He would never be the other. He would never do all the things swirling in his head. He'd never associate with missing-nin, He'd never be one. He'd never betray Konoha. He'd never betray his family. There was no way he'd ever end up like the other. Maybe the other was some strange genjutsu left over from some mission.
If you believe that, you really are stupid.
Itachi closed his eyes, and he knew. It struck him hard and made him suddenly cold. He could feel the other reaching out, touching Itachi's chakra network, and it responded. It knew the other's touch, clumsy as it was. The other knew Itachi's body from the inside out, though his memory of it being so small and frail were old and rusty. Itachi realized with a jolt the only reason he was still in control of his body was the fact the other had trouble thinking of the thirteen year-old body as 'his'.
When the other did get over that stumbling block, though, would it be able to take control of Itachi's body? What would it do if it ever got control? Itachi shuddered as the images of death ran through his mind. He shoved the other away, pushing it farther and farther back into his mind. He would never do those things. Never.
Never say never. I said never, and created hell on earth. You'll do it too. You can't do anything else.
Itachi whimpered and curled into a tight ball, hand over his ears and eyes scrunched shut. They burned. He burned. His chakra smoldered under his skin and his eyes burned. He would die before he did those things. Itachi choked on what might have been a sob and gagged on burning bile that followed. He heard the other chuckle in the back of his mind, and squeezed his hands over his ears.
It didn't help, of course. There was no way to silence a voice in your head.
Enjoy !
-How a Father Watches-
Everyday I fight a war against the mirror,
I can't take the person staring back at me,
I'm a hazard to myself,
Don't let me get me,
I'm my own worst enemy-Don't Let Me Get Me-Pink
It was Friday, three days after Itachi had woken up screaming. Fugaku was technically on his lunch break, but he had an important errand to run. The ANBU headquarters was just as dismal as the man remembered, though he'd never joined the organization. Fugaku had been a front line fighter in the War before becoming the head of the police department, and there'd never been time for him to get involved with ANBU.
Mikoto had served a short stint in ANBU before Itachi had been born. She'd been an excellent assassin, quick, quiet, and deadly. It still amazed Fuagku that she'd managed to settle down into the woman she was. Being a mother seemed to be her world now. Fugaku shook his head and wondered if he would ever be able to set aside his ninja duties and just be a father.
He doubted it.
Yesterday Itachi's eyes had bled again, and the person most distressed was Shisui. The boy was convinced he'd done something to bring on the attack, and he'd refused to go back in the room with Itachi again, but he wouldn't leave. Instead, he'd played with Sasuke out in the garden, and in the end, taken Sasuke to his house for the night.
Genzai could still find nothing wrong with the boy, and Itachi had gone into lock down after he woke up last night. He didn't want to talk to anyone. He wanted to be left alone, and Fugaku had convinced Mikoto that was the best thing to do. He hoped he was right. Itachi had always been a solitary person, and if he needed his space, it would be unwise not to give it to him. Maybe all he needed was rest.
Fugaku was waved through by the Chuunin at the main desk. Normally Fugaku would just report his son's leave of absence to his captain, but Itachi was the captain. In light of that, Fugaku made his way to the Second in commands office. He knew the way, even though he'd never been in ANBU.
He got several stares as he walked down the halls. It was obvious who he was, and he knew by the time he left there would be many rumors and whispers. Fugaku ignored them and knocked on the appropriate door. It took a while for him to get a response, but eventually a muffled voice called for him to come in.
Fugaku stepped into the small office and gave the man behind the desk a small bow. "Ken'ichi-san, it's a pleasure to see you again."
The man glanced up, and he looked far from pleased. "Fugaku-sama, to what so I owe this pleasure?"
"It's strictly business, I'm afraid." Fugaku handed the man a sealed scroll. "I regret to inform you my son is going to have to take a medical leave for a while."
"That's unfortunate news." Ken'ichi broke open the scroll and read it through. "We have him squad scheduled to take a mission in a few days. They were requested especially for this one. Itachi-kun is a valuable operative."
Fugaku nodded. "Then you should be more than willing to grant him a needed medical leave. It wouldn't do any good to cripple him now, so early in his career."
Ken'ichi made a noise that could have been assent. "The physician who examined him said he's suffering from chakra exhaustion, but it hasn't affected his performance on missions so far." Ken'ichi made the inquiry polite and unstated. Was there anything really wrong with the boy?
"It came on suddenly," Fugaku admitted. "Itachi's chakra system is not full developed, and the strain of running so many missions is undoubtedly catching up to him."
Ken'ichi's dark eyes got colder. "You wouldn't be suggesting ANBU has something to do with Itachi-kun's current condition, would you?"
Fugaku shook his head. "Not intentionally. Yes, it is the strain of keeping up with the demands of ANBU duty that has laid him low, but after a rest he will be ready to resume his duties in ANBU. He has gone three months now without any sort of break for injuries or otherwise. Would you begrudge such a faithful operative a little time to recuperate?"
Ken'ichi gave Fugaku a long level look before answering. "How long will he be 'recuperating'?"
"A week, at least. We're not sure exactly how long it will take him to get back to top form, but we will be certain to inform you when he does," Fugaku replied evenly.
"This, you understand, is highly irregular." Ken'ichi handed Fugaku back his scroll. "Most agents report directly here or to the medic for medical leave."
"Itachi is still a minor, and my son, ANBU or not. He resides in my house, under my care, and I think I am an accurate judge of his needs. At this time he is recovering and unable to appear before you himself." Fugaku gave the man a small bow. "Itachi sends his regards and his apologies." He would, if he was speaking to anyone at the moment.
Ken'ichi looked suspicious. This could, of course, be a plot by the Uchiha to get their genius back. Fugaku didn't have time to think about that. His son was not fit for any sort of ninja duty right now, much less ANBU level missions. Fugaku wasn't going to cause his son's death by trying to avoid whispers. The Uchiha needed Itachi alive and well, and Itachi was Fugaku's son.
Ken'ichi nodded. "Tell Itachi-kun we'll be happy to have him back, when his medical leave is over." The man said the words 'medical leave' as if they were bitter.
"My thanks, Ken'ichi-san." Fugaku gave the man a bow and walked out of his office.
It rankled to think that the man thought Fugaku had anything but his son's best interest at heart. Certainly, Itachi was the Uchiha Genius, and there was a lot riding on him, but he was still Fugaku's son. Fugaku might not always act like he remembered it, but he did. It was easier to always consider Sasuke as a son, since he was not yet a ninja and Fugaku had been around Sasuke for the boy's whole life. It was easy to look at Sasuke and think of the tiny baby he had been. With Itachi, it was harder.
Fugaku had been fighting in the war the first few years of Itachi's life, and he had only seen his son a few times a year. Itachi was already learning to be a ninja to fill up the shortage the war had created by the time Fugaku was home for good, and then Fugaku'd been dragged off to fulfill his duties as head of the clan and Chief of Police. He felt he was always playing catch up with his oldest son, who was growing more into his role as a ninja and a tool every time Fuagku turned around. It was becoming harder and harder to see him as a child and son, but these past few days had made it easier.
"Fugaku-sama!" The name came out quickly, like the speaker was surprised.
Fugaku turned and found himself looking at a tawny eyed man with dirty blond hair. He was in full ANBU gear, and there were a smear of blood on his bone white uniform. He stood with the rest of his squad, obviously just returned from a mission. Fugaku smiled and gave the man a bow. "Genma-kun, what a pleasure to see you again, and Raidou-kun, Iniochi-san, Tsume-san, and Kuromaru." Fugaku bowed to each in turn, even the dog.
Shiranui Genma smiled almost sheepishly back and rubbed at the back of his head. "Ah, the same...are you looking for Itachi-kun?"
Fugaku shook his head. "Unfortunately, Itachi is under the weather right now, and is on medical leave. I was just stopping by to inform Ken'ichi-san of this."
Genma looked suitably concerned. He had been Itachi's Sensei while the boy had been a Gennin. After graduating his team to Chuunin, Genma had returned to ANBU for a second stint in a place not many people survived their first. Raidou, Inoichi, and Tsume were also on their second ANBU runs.
"It's nothing too bad is it?" Genma asked.
"No, no, just some chakra exhaustion." In theory, and most hopefully. "He'll be back soon."
"Nothing you're not used to dealing with, ne, Fugaku-sama," Raidou put in. They'd met and fought briefly together during the war, and Fugaku and the fledgling medic Genma had spent a night coaxing both Raidou and Minato through acute chakra depletion, trying not to let them go into shock. The memory had stuck with Raidou, evidently.
"The pup looked pretty bad when we saw him last week, remember?" Tsume nudged Inoichi. "All pale and sick like. Smelled something terrible of ink and blood too."
Iniochi nodded. "We saw his squad coming back from what I assume was a bad mission. Itachi-kun looked worse for the wear, but he was with his squad so we didn't ask any questions."
Fugaku nodded, filing the information away. He'd ask Itachi about it when he got home. "If he was with his squad, I'm sure he was in very capable hands."
"Ah, leeches and ticks," Tsume growled. She held up her arm and displayed blood dripping out from under a bandage. "You were right, Genma. There was an anticoagulant on that guy's blade. This thing is still bleeding."
"I told you," Genma sighed gave Tsume a pointed look. "I am a poison expert, aren't I? I know these things. Hold pressure, will you? I ain't carryin' you when you pass out." Kuromaru growled at Genma who scowled back at the dog.
Fuagku shook his head and shared a look with Inoichi and Raidou. Once a medic, always a medic. "I can see you have some business to attend to, so I'll leave you to that." Fuagku gracefully withdrew, bowing again and exchanging goodbyes with Inoichi and Raidou. Genma was too busy fussing over Tsume to notice the man's departure.
Fugaku shook his head as he walked out the building. In ANBU there were war veterans struggling through their second stint. There were broken ninja no one else dare use. There were ninja one act away from being declared missing-nin. There were suicidal ninja just waiting to die. There were ninja who didn't care if the lived, died, or killed. Then there was Itachi, and Fugaku wondered, where did his child fit into this nest of mad-men and lunatics?
Itachi sat out on the back porch and watched a plant get pollinated by a bee. Itachi liked bees. They were busy, quick, and they commanded respect even though they were so small. Itachi had once told Shisui that he was like a bee. Shisui had laughed and said Itachi was more like a wasp than anything else. He didn't die after stinging someone, and his poison was potent.
Itachi watched the bee and drew himself inward. He focused himself and sighed. The other was still there, lurking in Itachi's mind. The other's thoughts were like a rumbling undercurrent to anything Itachi thought, and it was driving the Uchiha to distraction. What was it? why was it in his head?
Most importantly, how did he get it out?
How arrogant he was to assume he could get 'it' out, and how dare he call 'it' and 'it'.
Itachi pounced on that thought, drawing back to its source. He brushed against the other and for a moment he felt giddy. It had memories that Itachi had, some identical, and it had memories Itachi didn't have, and never would, like drowning Shisui, and murdering his parents. Itachi would never do those things.
What makes you so sure?
Itachi was startled to feel the other's thought so plainly. Other times the other's thoughts had been hard to distinguish from Itachi's own thoughts. Was he now hearing the other so well because he know knew there was something alien in his mind?
There's nothing alien about me. I'm having a fascinatingly confusing flash back right before I die.
Itachi scowled and pushed at the other. It didn't budge. It was disgusting how Itachi could hear the other's longing for death. Longing for death was weak. Why would anyone long for death? It was a cheap cop out when living got to hard. Itachi would never choose death over life just to escape misery.
So righteous in your naive stupidity. You'll beg for it one day.
No, he wouldn't. He was an Uchiha, and he would never beg for death.
You'll beg because you are Uchiha Itachi.
And why was that important? Why did that make the other so sure such a thing would happen.
I'm Uchiha Itachi, older, wiser, more miserable, and dying.
Itachi snorted. Right. He had his older self in his head. Itachi knew one thing, and that was he would never grow up to be like the other. He would never kill Shisui, and he'd never kill his parents. He especially would never alienate Sasuke so much the boy wanted to kill him, and he'd never welcome death. The other was too stupid to be Itachi. Ever.
You're already alienating your bother, and do you realize you've just called yourself stupid?
Itachi was not the other. He was himself. The other was to alien a creature in thought and memory to be Itachi.
You're right. I'm not you, but you'll be me given time.
Itachi snorted again. Never. He would never be the other. He would never do all the things swirling in his head. He'd never associate with missing-nin, He'd never be one. He'd never betray Konoha. He'd never betray his family. There was no way he'd ever end up like the other. Maybe the other was some strange genjutsu left over from some mission.
If you believe that, you really are stupid.
Itachi closed his eyes, and he knew. It struck him hard and made him suddenly cold. He could feel the other reaching out, touching Itachi's chakra network, and it responded. It knew the other's touch, clumsy as it was. The other knew Itachi's body from the inside out, though his memory of it being so small and frail were old and rusty. Itachi realized with a jolt the only reason he was still in control of his body was the fact the other had trouble thinking of the thirteen year-old body as 'his'.
When the other did get over that stumbling block, though, would it be able to take control of Itachi's body? What would it do if it ever got control? Itachi shuddered as the images of death ran through his mind. He shoved the other away, pushing it farther and farther back into his mind. He would never do those things. Never.
Never say never. I said never, and created hell on earth. You'll do it too. You can't do anything else.
Itachi whimpered and curled into a tight ball, hand over his ears and eyes scrunched shut. They burned. He burned. His chakra smoldered under his skin and his eyes burned. He would die before he did those things. Itachi choked on what might have been a sob and gagged on burning bile that followed. He heard the other chuckle in the back of his mind, and squeezed his hands over his ears.
It didn't help, of course. There was no way to silence a voice in your head.
Enjoy !