She, gasps in pain, dropping her weapon, clutching at her bicep. The profound malic had left her unique pools, plummeting to the ground with a heavy thud in agony, dark locks tumbling over her eyes.(Great. Just some critique if you don't mind. When a character does something, it makes for a better read if you don't put it inside asterisks like
*plays with a ball of yarn*
Instead, you should just type out exactly what is going on as if you were describing it to someone and leave the symbols behind. You'll find it's much easier and less dictionaly restrictive. Also,if it is not obvious, you might want to explain how your character does this. For example:
Having nothing else to do, he begins to play with his ball of yarn, rolling it back and forth.
It gives the reader a better mental view of what's happening and your character's thought process. Secondly, I'd advise against using notifications like "Eris:". Those are mostly found only in scripts and also superfluous if you only have one character. Instead, simply put "She says" or "Eris says" after the quotation marks. It accomplishes the same thing, only more professionally. Also, there's no need for a space before punctuation.
Finally, I humbly request you reread whatever you type so as to make sure it's grammatically correct before you post it. I mean no offense but the first few seconds of that post wasn't the best thing I've ever read. Just remember to provide as much detail about the character and it's actions in your posts as possible and you'll be a 5-star RPer/writer in no time.)
As Officer Break listened to the girl speak, he could feel nothing but compassion. He had been trained not to pay attention to the pleading of criminals or unfriendlies, but he could tell Erlene wasn't just acting. Once he had finished handcuffing them, he got stood near them and took off his helmet so they could see his face and know the depth of his sincerity.
"My name is Mister Break. I am an ex-Marine, ex-FBI SWAT Team officer. After a SWAT mission, I came home to see my family and half of my neighborhood torn to shreds by what are called bio-weapons. I now search for the whoever caused all this so I can put a stop to it and bring him to justice."
He turned to Erlene to speak directly to her
"Your friend is not dead, she only has a flesh wound. She will be tended to. As for letting you go? No. You two are too ill equipped to deal with all those beasts out there. They'll tear you to shreds. You'll stay with me until I can find somewhere you'll be safe. I am not your enemy."
Gesturing for them to get up, the officer tells them to start walking and he puts his helmet back on.
In misery, she takes a glance upwards, inspecting the officer she hisses,β I will send you to hell... You'll see.. I don't care if you're not my 'enemy'...β she drops her head, observing her bloody wound.
Distracted by her injure, the man's words were tuned out it was like he was oblivious to her. When he proceeded chaining the two of them, she reacted. In an instant, with snake like swiftness, she in a failed attempt tries to bash him, but only for her to crumble in sheer pain, she disliked being vulnerable.
Just as he gestured her to get up, she as pure usual shakes her head in negation,
β No...β was her simple answer, looking down.