Psychotic X
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Itachi vs. Hidan!
Chapter 2:
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Pain and Konan were busy setting up for the angst-off. They were trying to hang a banner hand that read 'Angst Battle 2010' over two chairs facing opposite a worn-in couch. The coffee table was pulled close to the couch with two tissue boxes on it.
"Hurry up," Sasori complained. "You know I hate waiting yet you dragged me down here when you knew they weren't going to be ready."
"Why don't you help then," Pain hissed, wobbling on his chair. He stuck the thumb tack in place and jumped down from the chair skillfully, landing on his face.
"Itachi's coming," Kisame called from the top of a staircase. "Try not to cry." Itachi stepped down and into the living room with an uncaring look he sat down on one of the two chairs and placed his hands neatly on his lap.
"Uchiha can suck it," Deidara yelled from another room. "Introducing the most depressing thing you have seen, Hidan, un!" Hidan walked into the room with a huge grin and a confident pose. "You are supposed to be sad," Deidara hissed in his ears. Hidan nodded and lost his confidant aura. He dropped his hands and hunched his back.
"Where's you Akatuski outfit," Pain asked Hidan.
"Oh, I'm wearing my normal clothes before you uh," Hidan paused and pulled back a sleeve of his black hooded sweater. "Captured my soul to rot in this organization, un." Deidara shot Hidan a thumbs up gesture, mouthing 'perfect'.
"I never knew you wore that much black, or a shirt in general."
"It must be hard doing ninja stuff with all those chains on your trousers," Sasori scoffed.
"It must be really tough being sneaky with them ratt-," Konan stopped, realizing her mistake of implying Hidan (the loudest and brashest ninja) as somewhat sneaky.
"The chains are just another burden for my heart to carry. Not to mention all the pain I can cause whipping motherf*ckers with them." Deidara sent a sharp glare at Hidan. "But – uh – It's mostly that soul crap."
"Mhmm maybe you are deeper than you first appeared," Pain pondered. "Konan, Sasori and myself will be the judge of that though. Take a seat next to Itachi and I will explain how this is going to work." Hidan shrugged and leaned back in the chair, trying to balance it on the back legs. "You are going to tell us about yourselves and it will probably make us cry. We will use the tissue that corresponds to your color to dry out tears and at the end whoever has the greatest number of tissues is the most depressed member."
"Don't start without Tobi," Tobi called running into the room, dragging a fern along with him. "I brought Zetsu-san too!" He bounced down on the couch next to Konan and Sasori.
"This couch for judges only," Konan stated. "You, Kisame and Deidara get bean-bag chairs."
"What about Zetsu," Tobi asked. "Never mind, he can sit in my lap!" Tobi happily skipped towards the bean bag chairs and flopped down on one.
"Ahem," Pain coughed, clearing his throat. "Let's have the personal diary reading first. Itachi you start."
"First entry, I joined Akatsuki today," Itachi stated, free of emotion. "I am paired with an oddly attractive salmon named Kisame. Second entry, I found out he was a shark, he's not that attractive anymore. Third, Kisame and myself had tea. It was rather lovely, we chatted about ourselves. I almost got my body abused by a snake. Fourth, Kisame and I went to visit my old friends at the leaf. They tried to kill us, it was fun. I met Sasuke, he tried to kill me, it was fun." Itachi closed his diary and looked at the judges. Konan and Sasori were trying to hold back tears while Pain was crying a river, his head slammed down on the coffee table.
"That's so depressing," Pain cried, wiping away some snot from his nose. "I never knew you had it this hard."
"Hn," Itachi responded, brushing away a lone tear. That made Konan break, she picked up a tissue and started to wipe away her own tears.
From the spectator's section, Deidra scowled. D@mn that Itachi and his angst, Deidara thought. Kisame was sobbing almost as uncontrollably as Pain. "Poor Itachi-san," Tobi whispered.
"Do you need a minute, Pain," Sasori asked, trying to control the wavering of his voice.
"I'm okay," Pain reassured, composing his emotions. "That makes Itachi's tissue count twenty so far. Hidan, your turn to share."
"Umm," Hidan panicked flipping Deidara's diary open to a random page. "Dear diary, have you ever noticed how hot Sasori looks when his hair hits the sunlight? I wish he wouldn't stay in that ugly puppet all the time- what the f*ck is this!"
"Next entry," Deidara screamed. Hidan panicked and fliped to another random page that didn't have hearts.
"Dear diary, today I tried to tie my shoe. Then I realized I don't wear sneakers because my mom used to whoop my @ss with sneakers, un. Now I'm scarred for life and like to beat woman with shoe laces. I cut myself because I was so sad, un. Sometimes I wish my life was fleeting like true art because living forever sucks? No it f*cking doesn't! I get to kill all the heathens I want and –"loud coughing and a serious glare from Deidara cut him off. "I mean, yea it sucks or whatever. Erm, what's that word I can't read it, it's all smudged."
"From your tears, right Hidan," Deidara suggested.
"Ew, I think it's saliva. No! I mean tears, defiantly tears. Anyways, next entry, I cried so much today, I smudged all my eyeliner which made me cry even more. I then went to Hot Topic to buy some more but they ran out of blackest black and all they had was black. That made me cry, un." All three of the judges let silent cries escape at Hidan's angsty words.
"I never knew you suffered that much," Konan whispered.
"We all didn't," Sasori cried. "D@mn, I thought I swore off these stupid emotions, but…that was just too depressing. I think you even made Zetsu cry." The words Sasori spoke were true as the fern's leaf started to drip... something. Deidara smiled a dark smirk at Hidan who returned it with a wink. We've got this, Deidara plotted. Finally, I beat Uchiha at his own game.
After Pain composed himself, yet again , he counted up the tissues. "That's twenty five from Hidan, I never knew your life was that sad."
"I try," Hidan shrugged, with a smile.
"They next competition is poetry, Itachi would you start us off?"
"Hn," Itachi responded, getting up from his chair. "I call this one Duck Butt. Duck Butts, whenever I see them I think of you. I see you crying, I see me crying. Maybe I should kill all the ducks so they don't remind me of you. Or maybe you should cut your hair. Duck butts." Itachi sat back down and the room erupted in snaps. D@mnit that was so emo, Hidan thought accidentally ripping Deidara's poem into shreds from rage. Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!
"Very depressing," Pain congratulated. "That's ten more tissues to your count. Hidan?"
"Umm, here I go," Hidan panicked looking at Deidara for support. He showed him the shredded paper and Deidara's eye became worried. He quickly searched the room then pointed to the fern in Tobi's arms. "Erm, fern over there. It looks like sh*t because nobody gives a f*ck to water it. But I hate plants, they are so f*cking gross. Actually plants aren't that bad it's just the f*cking color green. It's so appalling, like Jashin left that color to torture us. You know what? It's not even the color green, it's the color green paired with red and stuck in someone's head where their eyes are meant to be. In other words Kakuzu. He seriously sucks, it's always money this, money that. He never lives, not that he should, he's got a one-way ticket into Jashin's merciless claws. End." Hidan sat down victorious as snaps helped feed his ego.
"Who knew he had it in him," Kisame asked.
"Seriously," Deidara answered, equally stunned at Hidan's mad poetry skillz.
The three judges sat with their mouths wide open, not believing what they heard.
"How you started off so happy," Sasori said.
"Then ended so sad, it was," Konan added.
"Beautiful," Pain finished. "Do you have anything else, you'd like to share?"
"Of course I f*cking do," Hidan smiled. They are finally paying attention to me,he thought happily. "Well just the other day when you sent me and that useless tit, Kakuzu out on that shit mission to kill some guy or whatever we saw something weird. Naturally, I wanted to know what the f*ck it was. It turned out to be the shine of an enemy's weapon! So I lobbed that guy's head off probably saving Kakuzu's ****ing life, but did I get a thank you? No! That bastard sewed my mouth shut! Do you know how much that f*cking hurts to get out! Not only that, he cuts me up whenever he d@mn well pleases! That bastard takes advantage of my gift from Jashin! It's not f*cking fair!" Itachi scooted his chair closer to Hidan and placed a hand on his.
"It's okay," Itachi whispered trying to comfort him. Hidan looked up to see the rest of the room's reactions and had to bury his head inside his hands to hide the tears of laughter. The whole room was sniffling and letting their emotions flow. He tried to stop his laughing but it ended up sounding like muffled cries, making everyone continue their pity on Hidan.
"He's so heartless," Konan cried.
Suddenly, the door swung open to reveal Kakuzu and a few woodland creatures standing in the doorway. "Hello my fellow comrades," Kakuzu cheered with some much joy it was unnatural. "I've had a very lovely day today." He held out his finger so a cute bird could land on it. "How was your afternoon, my friends?"
"The bastard," Pain yelled. "Get him for causing Hidan's angst!" All of the Akatsuki members, save for Tobi, "Zetsu" and Hidan lunged at Kakuzu bearing their fangs. The frightened animals ran away from Kakuzu's side in a hurry.
"How can you hurt him that much you soulless monster," Kisame yelled before biting down hard on Kakuzu's arm.
Hidan couldn't contain himself anymore and fell from his chair in fits of laughter. A loud crashing noise interpreted Hidan's hysteria and made the attacking members look up. Where a wall once stood, four figures stood tall against the light.
"Itachi," the middle right one hissed. "I've come-" his speech was cut off as he saw a banner advertising an angst battle.
"Oh God no," another figure panicked. "Sasuke don't, keep your eyes on the prize."
"Shut up! Let Sasuke do what he wants," the only female one yelled at the one who just spoke. Sasuke walked slowly towards the free chair and pulled out his own diary and a stack of tissues.
"Now, the battle begins."
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