Need Help with lyrics

[NarutAwesome]

wassup nb, so I'm writing this love song and this is the first verse to the song, you can either sing it or just read through it, you'll still find the beat. how is it? what should i fix? i'm still working on the chorus. any good advice will get a + rep

They say when you experience a lost
Then you can say that you know pain
They say you can’t experience sadness
Until you had days in the rain
But I never experienced those things
cause I’ll always have you
It’s like I’m made outta glass
cause for my heart you see right through

yeah....cause girl I know you can see right through me
and yeah......baby you know nobody can love yooou like me
and ya know.... I love you cause you’re so divine
but whenever you’re around
I get this chill down my spine
there’s no need for a watch
cause I still lose track of time
Girl, If your love was a mystery
then I’ll always be your clue
And no matter how my times I try
I can’t
spell me
without uuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!

 

[SQY]

The ending made me rofl so hard. Don't know why. Seems alittle cheesy

 

[NarutAwesome]

The ending made me rofl so hard. Don't know why. Seems alittle cheesy

so should i change it, or is it a good chessy

 

[markdabomb22]

Add a few tee hee and shamone's

 

[NarutAwesome]

Add a few tee hee and shamone's

could you elaborate a little, you don't have to if you don't want to

 

[SQY]

so should i change it, or is it a good chessy

I think it was just the way you wrote it. But its your song. ^^

 

[Temporary Account]

You're trying way hard to rhyme, that's why it flows like shit.

 

[NarutAwesome]

I think it was just the way you wrote it. But its your song. ^^

thanks bro

 

[Trollo Lucilfer]

Screw Love songs, you wanna make this song for your girl or what?

 

[NarutAwesome]

You're trying way hard to rhyme, that's why it flows like shit.

well, ....0-0, thats not the input I'm looking for but thanks, its just a sketch , you know, as in words on paper

 

[NarutAwesome]

Screw Love songs, you wanna make this song for your girl or what?

yeah and to make a demo, or to add to my collection of songs that I wrote. Something tells me you either have girl problems or your girl just dumped you

 

[3MESSIAH]

it`s awesome+you dont need other people to help you with this...it` your song,your art..this would kind of lose the purpose if someone were to change your song

 

[NarutAwesome]

it`s awesome+you dont need other people to help you with this...it` your song,your art..this would kind of lose the purpose if someone were to change your song

shit bro, best advice yet, plus rep

 

[Ldude]

wassup nb, so I'm writing this love song and this is the first verse to the song, you can either sing it or just read through it, you'll still find the beat. how is it? what should i fix? i'm still working on the chorus

They say when you experience a lost
Then you can say that you know pain
They say you can’t experience sadness
Until you had days in the rain
But I never experienced those things
cause I’ll always have you
It’s like I’m made outta glass
cause for my heart you see right through

yeah....cause girl I know you can see right through me
and yeah......baby you know nobody can love yooou like me
and ya know.... I love you cause you’re so divine
but whenever you’re around
I get this chill down my spine
there’s no need for a watch
cause I still lose track of time
Girl, If your love was a mystery
then I’ll always be your clue
And no matter how my times I try
I can’t spell me without uuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!

There were a couple typos/poor grammar/syntactical errors. I've bolded them for you to fix.

Overall, I won't lie, it wasn't very good. The similies are overused and unoriginal. A good song demands stimulating word choice and profound ideas. This lacks both. :shrug:

If you decide to revise it, I wish you luck.

 

[Trollo Lucilfer]

yeah and to make a demo, or to add to my collection of songs that I wrote. Something tells me you either have girl problems or your girl just dumped you

she simply can't, beside love songs and letters used to be a good weapon in the 19s, you gotta keep up with the time dude.

 

[NarutAwesome]

There were a couple typos/poor grammar/syntactical errors. I've bolded them for you to fix.

Overall, I won't lie, it wasn't very good. The similies are overused and unoriginal. A good song demands stimulating word choice and profound ideas. This lacks both. :shrug:

If you decide to revise it, I wish you luck.

i understand, I have to make it more original

 

[Ldude]

it`s awesome+you dont need other people to help you with this...it` your song,your art..this would kind of lose the purpose if someone were to change your song

Although this is good advice, making a song out of raw material doesn't bode well. Revisions can only help, and it's always up to the lyricist to decide on those revisions.

 

[Trollo Lucilfer]

There were a couple typos/poor grammar/syntactical errors. I've bolded them for you to fix.

Overall, I won't lie, it wasn't very good. The similies are overused and unoriginal. A good song demands stimulating word choice and profound ideas. This lacks both. :shrug:

If you decide to revise it, I wish you luck.

You can't do such a thing in song!!!

 

[Ldude]

You can't do such a thing in song!!!

Of course you can. To what music do you listen?

 

[Trollo Lucilfer]

You know what, if you wanna good love song, check out a song made by Shaggy, it's very popular, it's called "Mr Boombastic"