Life & Rock n' Roll

[Radiohead]

Life & Rock n' Roll ​

Chapter 1: 18 n' Life! ​

April 4, 2002​

It was April 4, 2002, Jack had become 18 years old, yells of joy and happiness surrounded him all the day long, his head had become a mix of everything, all these years. It was 8 PM and he went out alone for a walk, in a cold, stormy-night," All these years have gone so fast, still I'm so pessimist about this life", he thought with a fake smile.

After walking 500 m, he was standing before a bar named "Old Grunge School", he slowly opened the door, his friend, Ricky quickly drank his beer, jumped into a table and shouted, " Jack is here!!!", all the peoples in the bar shouted and one by one they embraced his friend. "Thanks, all of you!", Jack shouted in joy, as he said these words the owner turned on the radio, people sat down with each of their friends, as the band "Guns n' Roses" were singing in the radio, Ricky jumped off the table, gazed upon him and said," Come on, let's have a drink".

April 5, 2002​

"Jack, wake up!", his brother said, "Got something for you in the news.... Layne Staley... He!", Jack saw his brother's sad expressions and ran over to the TV, "We are deeply saddened by the passing of Layne Staley, a true original who will no doubt be remembered within the pantheon of rock's all-time greats. We stand in solidarity with our brother Jerry Cantrell in this hour of mourning and send our most heartfelt condolences to all of Layne's family, friends, and fans throughout the world...", Jack interrupted the reporter's statement, he turned off his TV, remained calm for a second, and then shouted in anger, started to hit the wall, now one of his favorite vocalists had left this world, had left Jack in anger, after 10 seconds Jack fell on the floor, unconscious. It was like Jack knew him. Kurt, James (his father) and now Layne , it was hard for him to handle the pain.

To be continued...

 

[Gutsy]

actually it's quite good... make more, i like it, but try to make just a little longer

 

[Radiohead]

Thanks, bro! I'm glad, you read it!

 

[YoItsJo]

M'kayyy. So...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

1) You have paragraphs, but you need to distinguish the speech from the rest, still.

2) Your sentences are long.

It was April 4, 2002, Jack had become 18 years old, yells of joy and happiness surrounded him all the day long, his head had become a mix of everything, all these years. It was 8 PM and he went out alone for a walk, in a cold, stormy-night," All these years have gone so fast, still I'm so pessimist about this life", he thought with a fake smile.

That's two, technically. Swap out comas for periods in the appropriate spots. One example would, if you don't wanna change any of the words, after "...18 years old." Also, might wanna actually type out the number.

3) Second paragraph on April 4th. The way you have it written, what with the punctuation... it's a big run-on sentence.

4) Your grammar is off.

All the peoples in the bar....

5) Sentences here are long, too, but I'd like this if you'd describe the scene a little better on the reporter's end of things.

"We are deeply saddened by the passing of Layne Staley, a true original who will no doubt be remembered within the pantheon of rock's all-time greats. We stand in solidarity with our brother Jerry Cantrell in this hour of mourning and send our most heartfelt condolences to all of Layne's family, friends, and fans throughout the world..."

6) I know this can be considered foreshadowing, but it still feels out of place:

Kurt, James (his father) and now Layne , it was hard for him to handle the pain.

7) Your characters feel faceless to me. I know, it's the first thing, but you didn't describe anything.

8) Same thing as 7, but setting wise.

+1) You stayed with past tense. I think.

NOTE: Your dates leave me feeling nostalgic... Not that that's a bad thing. Actually, it's a good thing. But that's not calls for another +1.

Keep writing.

 

[Radiohead]

M'kayyy. So...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

1) You have paragraphs, but you need to distinguish the speech from the rest, still.

2) Your sentences are long.

It was April 4, 2002, Jack had become 18 years old, yells of joy and happiness surrounded him all the day long, his head had become a mix of everything, all these years. It was 8 PM and he went out alone for a walk, in a cold, stormy-night," All these years have gone so fast, still I'm so pessimist about this life", he thought with a fake smile.

That's two, technically. Swap out comas for periods in the appropriate spots. One example would, if you don't wanna change any of the words, after "...18 years old." Also, might wanna actually type out the number.

3) Second paragraph on April 4th. The way you have it written, what with the punctuation... it's a big run-on sentence.

4) Your grammar is off.

All the peoples in the bar....

5) Sentences here are long, too, but I'd like this if you'd describe the scene a little better on the reporter's end of things.

"We are deeply saddened by the passing of Layne Staley, a true original who will no doubt be remembered within the pantheon of rock's all-time greats. We stand in solidarity with our brother Jerry Cantrell in this hour of mourning and send our most heartfelt condolences to all of Layne's family, friends, and fans throughout the world..."

6) I know this can be considered foreshadowing, but it still feels out of place:

Kurt, James (his father) and now Layne , it was hard for him to handle the pain.

7) Your characters feel faceless to me. I know, it's the first thing, but you didn't describe anything.

8) Same thing as 7, but setting wise.

+1) You stayed with past tense. I think.

NOTE: Your dates leave me feeling nostalgic... Not that that's a bad thing. Actually, it's a good thing. But that's not calls for another +1.

Keep writing.

Thanks for the advice man, I made it short cause it's more fun to read, and not annoying, and it 's been a chapter man..... It takes a hole story to describe a character, I thought of the plot, I know these cause I'm in the Literature class, also the grammar isn't off! Anyway, you overdid it with that statement! Past tense has a nostalgic effect, so it was better for me to create the story that way! You shouldn't judge the story so fast!

 

[-God of War-]

It is the first FF that I like. If it would be a book, I would love to read it. I know that it is the first chapter but if the first chapter was awesome, all the story will be awesome.
Nice work dude!

 

[Radiohead]

It is the first FF that I like. If it would be a book, I would love to read it. I know that it is the first chapter but if the first chapter was awesome, all the story will be awesome.
Nice work dude!

Thanks bro! Rock n' Roll \m/

 

[sG Taka]

It's alright. I'm not really that into it but I can't say I didn't like it. Keep writing. ^^

 

[Radiohead]

It's alright. I'm not really that into it but I can't say I didn't like it. Keep writing. ^^

Thanks man, appreciate it!

 

[Kuroi Honoo]

You have pretty good grammar, spelling, etc. It appears as though the genre for this fanfic is slice of life. The writing style as of now is short and novel-like. If you want to do a style more like mine, I would suggest reading and or browsing fanficton similar to mine to get a feel of how it is done. It is what I did in the beginning and I now know how to bring it together.​

 

[Radiohead]

You have pretty good grammar, spelling, etc. It appears as though the genre for this fanfic is slice of life. The writing style as of now is short and novel-like. If you want to do a style more like mine, I would suggest reading and or browsing fanficton similar to mine to get a feel of how it is done. It is what I did in the beginning and I now know how to bring it together.​

Thanks man, for the advice, but I like to keep it short, though I admit it that I must read some other Fan Fictions.