Hero - Prologue

[Train]

I've always wanted to write this sort of story. I'd have to add shinobi though, since this is part of the 'fanbase', and for you fans to relate.
Focus: This story will follow a reluctant hero, one who seeks to live in freedom and in peace, and yet the world forces itself upon him, or rather the a hero's duty keeps pressing on him. So he never finds that peace, and instead gives his life up for the world.
There will be another protagonist, one who was born to lead, but does not desire that task. Soon she realizes she is the only one who can lead the world back to it's course, and save it from the brink of destruction.

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Abandonment​

It was cold that day. Oh, so bitterly cold.
I remember the frosty wind that had mercilessly knifed through my thin, grey clothing, and had ruffled my silky, silvery hair that usually touched my shoulders. My small body was almost ice; my tiny feet were soaked through, because of my thin shoes which were treading upon the icy road.
The only sense of warmth I had felt came from my little hand, which was clasped so tightly by a taller lady whose silvery hair mirrored my own.
We had walked together up the road.
It seemed to be a busy day. Crowds of people were bustling up and down the steep road in a rush, probably to avoid the snow storm that was already thickening.
Abruptly, we stopped walking.
The woman knelt down to my height, and soon grey eyes were looking deeply into my own. Her pale face was serious, her expression both pleading and worried. She bade me to stay where I was, and to wait for her.
Then she left. Drifting into the crowd.
I waited, taking in my surroundings.
The bustling people on the street looked giant and menacing, especially to an eight year old boy like me. Some passing by stared at me, others glared coldly. But by most, I was ignored.
I continued to wait.
Angry snowflakes fell from the great grey sky. No, it was more like a mixture of snow and rain.
But still my feet were stubbornly planted on the ground, not moving an inch. I was told to wait.
My hands were reddening; my bones were beginning to chill.
Still she had not come back.
The day was darkening; my body was starting to shiver.
Still, she had not come back.
My feet were tired from standing, my breathing becoming slower and laboured.
But still she had not come back.
My vision was beginning to haze.
She never came back.
I am still waiting.

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I know it's small. But hey, it's a prologue. The chapter I have in mind is much bigger. This is just a sample I guess.
Review my writing?
For those who may not have understood (maybe my writing is bad), this whole thing is a memory, or past tense. The last line, sort of indicates the present. This person is "still waiting".​

 

[Reborn]

I'm feeling a very powerful sentiment in this short little introduction. I like the basis of how you focused on the child waiting for that woman to come back (was that her mother?)

I feel like you should use that as a foundation of her character development. Meaning it should have a subtle reaccurance and emphisis on her character in a way that could be recognized. However I'm sure you've already determined in what direction you want this character to go and have your own methods of doing so. This is just my suggestion from one writter to another. Regardless of what you do though, you have this thing in your writting that just draws me towards it, every time I see your name under the title of the thread.

Nice prologue +rep.

For another note, I am still pretty backed up with school work so Blood has been put on hold for the moment. I intend to begin writting again during November vacation, which is over a month away. When I say begin writting again I mean the chapters for that story, as they require planning and thinking of set up. kyuubi and I have the general layout and plot of the story from beginning to end layed out. With me being the actual person who types it up to convey it, it's a matter of articulating it in the best way. There are a lot of complexity in the development of characters, and setting that has to be portrayed in a way that readers can understand. It's my job in this Fanfiction to make sure I articulate them in a way where you can understand. kyuubi's job in this is chief editor as I have my grammatical and spelling errors. He also does great with th battle scinerios and the more in the moment situations. It will take a while, but I do have some short FFs that I may write in the mean time in order to maintain a healthy practice.

 

[Cooldragon]

Nice!

 

[Train]

I'm feeling a very powerful sentiment in this short little introduction. I like the basis of how you focused on the child waiting for that woman to come back (was that her mother?)

I feel like you should use that as a foundation of her character development. Meaning it should have a subtle reaccurance and emphisis on her character in a way that could be recognized. However I'm sure you've already determined in what direction you want this character to go and have your own methods of doing so. This is just my suggestion from one writter to another. Regardless of what you do though, you have this thing in your writting that just draws me towards it, every time I see your name under the title of the thread.

Nice prologue +rep.

For another note, I am still pretty backed up with school work so Blood has been put on hold for the moment. I intend to begin writting again during November vacation, which is over a month away. When I say begin writting again I mean the chapters for that story, as they require planning and thinking of set up. kyuubi and I have the general layout and plot of the story from beginning to end layed out. With me being the actual person who types it up to convey it, it's a matter of articulating it in the best way. There are a lot of complexity in the development of characters, and setting that has to be portrayed in a way that readers can understand. It's my job in this Fanfiction to make sure I articulate them in a way where you can understand. kyuubi's job in this is chief editor as I have my grammatical and spelling errors. He also does great with th battle scinerios and the more in the moment situations. It will take a while, but I do have some short FFs that I may write in the mean time in order to maintain a healthy practice.

It's a 'He' :T_T:
Wait, I understand, I described his hair to be long (it is in my vision). I realized I didn't mention the gender. I'll add it somewhere. Yes, that was his mother. xd
Bolded: Damn. Well, I understand. It's better if you wait, then if you rush and come up with something awful. Take your time. Wait till your in your perfect writing mode/environment. Good luck with school, I myself have also been busy with it. >.>'
I'll be happy to see those short FFs when I they're out. ^^

 

[Reborn]

It's a 'He' :T_T:
Wait, I understand, I described his hair to be long (it is in my vision). I realized I didn't mention the gender. I'll add it somewhere. Yes, that was his mother. xd
Bolded: Damn. Well, I understand. It's better if you wait, then if you rush and come up with something awful. Take your time. Wait till your in your perfect writing mode/environment. Good luck with school, I myself have also been busy with it. >.>'
I'll be happy to see those short FFs when I they're out. ^^

xd That's my bad, I thought I saw a 'her' in the text before the actual chapter. It was kind of small but idk if I saw it right lol

Well everything I said...but with a 'he' and a 'him' wher I put she and her lol

very nice though, and I commented on your TF7 chapter

 

[Train]

lol, don't worry, there is a 'her'/'she' in the text before the story; the little text mentions two characters. This guy though, will be more of my main one.

 

[BondedByBlood]

0.0 woah Great description

 

[Train]

Nice!

Thanks

0.0 woah Great description

Thanks. Describing is my favorite part when it comes to writing. How to best describe a place, moment, object, person, or memory. It's fun to pick and choose the right words that also may have a nice flow. I think I'm better at that than making an actual story line.

 

[IntrovertedKittenNinja]

Poor, poor, cute little androgynous boy... Hehe, I'm just poking fun at Reborn. I can totally relate when you make a powerful image in your head from the beautiful description in a text, (like this one) of a poor little girl and as you read faster and faster to find out what happens next your mind replaces little words like he and him with their opposites without you knowing. xD

I really like this. Not often does fanfiction on here portray feelings as well as basic plot. It makes a story all the more enjoyable a read. But I guess the mistake of not including enough description and such in a story can be attributed to most of NB's writers being younger and inexperienced.

Anywhoo, it was vurry goode. Keep it up~~

 

[Zombie]

Not bad, you definitely have potential in writing. Although you may want to edit it differently.

I only spotted one typo while reading: which were treading upon the icy road.

Other than that an interesting read. Keep writing and exploring different writing styles.

 

[Train]

Poor, poor, cute little androgynous boy... Hehe, I'm just poking fun at Reborn. I can totally relate when you make a powerful image in your head from the beautiful description in a text, (like this one) of a poor little girl and as you read faster and faster to find out what happens next your mind replaces little words like he and him with their opposites without you knowing. xD

I really like this. Not often does fanfiction on here portray feelings as well as basic plot. It makes a story all the more enjoyable a read. But I guess the mistake of not including enough description and such in a story can be attributed to most of NB's writers being younger and inexperienced.

Anywhoo, it was vurry goode. Keep it up~~

Thanks. Most, not all fanfictions here, are in 'script style'. When you try writing in that style, it's hard to portray feelings; it's mostly dialogue. Which is why I hate using it. >.>'

Not bad, you definitely have potential in writing. Although you may want to edit it differently.

I only spotted one typo while reading: which were treading upon the icy road.

Other than that an interesting read. Keep writing and exploring different writing styles.

Whoa, Zombie!
Fixed the mistake; I hate typos. Thanks for the feedback.

 

[Reborn]

Thanks. Most, not all fancfictions here, are in 'script style'. When you try writing in that style, it's hard to portray feelings; it's mostly dialogue. Which is why I hate using it. >.>'




Whoa, Zombie!
Fixed the mistake; I hate typos. Thanks for the feedback.

It is harder to portray the emotions in a descriptive style as you write in. In the style you write in you can display how a person is feeling without the need for actual need for action. In script style, you can portray the emotion of the character through simple actions of the person you wish to portray the emotion in. You also could do dialouge that hints as to what the emotion of the characters are. In my series Bonds, couldn't you get a pretty good read on how each of my characters were feeling? There are ways it's just a matter of how you articulate them. However, I do agree your method of writting is better for that cetegory, and I am thinking of exploring this style of writting a little to use for fanfiction later one. I actually intend on making a future fanfiction I have in mind in this style of writting rather then the script style, but I'll need to observe how to do it, and practice a little first lol

 

[Train]

It is harder to portray the emotions in a descriptive style as you write in. In the style you write in you can display how a person is feeling without the need for actual need for action. In script style, you can portray the emotion of the character through simple actions of the person you wish to portray the emotion in. You also could do dialouge that hints as to what the emotion of the characters are. In my series Bonds, couldn't you get a pretty good read on how each of my characters were feeling? There are ways it's just a matter of how you articulate them. However, I do agree your method of writting is better for that cetegory, and I am thinking of exploring this style of writting a little to use for fanfiction later one. I actually intend on making a future fanfiction I have in mind in this style of writting rather then the script style, but I'll need to observe how to do it, and practice a little first lol

I could see the emotions in Bonds. More so in the middle and end, than the beginning, but no doubt you did a great job at that. For me, I know it would be difficult to portray those feelings just through dialogue or few actions here and there, but yeah, it's possible.
I feel more at home with my novel-like style. I've always written that way. It'd be cool to see you write this style; I wonder if I'm converting you into writing like this. xd "
I'm no expert, but if you need any suggestions/tips about this style, I can try and help. : ]

Edit: The one thing I like about my style though, is that it also describes the stage and sets a vision in your mind. Within script style, you only receive dialogue, thoughts, and actions. Maybe a little scenery, but not to a detailed extent.

 

[Reborn]

I could see the emotions in Bonds. More so in the middle and end, than the beginning, but no doubt you did a great job at that. For me, I know it would be difficult to portray those feelings just through dialogue or few actions here and there, but yeah, it's possible.
I feel more at home with my novel-like style. I've always written that way. It'd be cool to see you write this style; I wonder if I'm converting you into writing like this. xd "
I'm no expert, but if you need any suggestions/tips about this style, I can try and help. : ]

I've been writting (just in general) since I was eight, Bonds is my first script style. It definatly was difficult to figure a way to portray the emotion at first but eventually (like you said near the middle and end) I began to get the hang of it and find how it worked. It takes a little bit of understanding of how people act in real life though. Look at people and think of it as a script

Spoiler

*Wife walks through the kitchen anxiously worried, bitting her finger*
Wife: Damn....where did I put it?...where did I put it?!

*Husband enter's room*
Husband: What are you doing honey?

Wife: *startled* What are you doing home so early *oh no this is bad*

Husband: Finished early so I could spend time with you...are you sure you're alright? You're acting strange.

Wife: *simles innocently* I'm fine...don't worry dinner will be ready soon

*husband walks out of room*

Wife: *I can't let him find it before I do...I can't let him find out*

Nothing special, but do you think you could pick up the vibe from the two characters from that little bit of diaoluge. You could get a feel for how each character was, especially the wife right?

I've never written in eassy style for my entire life, which is closer to a novel style. It's the same just with less paragrphs and no dialouge. I could show you a peice of work I've done with an analysis of a play I had to read for school (which I may post later on). It's not really an essay but more of a resoponse and analysis but it's similar lol. I'll probably do a premire of a peice I do in Novel style soon, just to see how I do and to get some feed back.

 

[IntrovertedKittenNinja]

It is harder to portray the emotions in a descriptive style as you write in. In the style you write in you can display how a person is feeling without the need for actual need for action. In script style, you can portray the emotion of the character through simple actions of the person you wish to portray the emotion in. You also could do dialouge that hints as to what the emotion of the characters are. In my series Bonds, couldn't you get a pretty good read on how each of my characters were feeling? There are ways it's just a matter of how you articulate them. However, I do agree your method of writting is better for that cetegory, and I am thinking of exploring this style of writting a little to use for fanfiction later one. I actually intend on making a future fanfiction I have in mind in this style of writting rather then the script style, but I'll need to observe how to do it, and practice a little first lol

It is easier to portray emotion in a script style, and easier to get it, but it's far less rewarding to both author and reader.

I don't wanna sound like bookworm (LOL even though I think I will sound like one) but there's nothing like reading a very well written novel, where the author drops subtle hints wrapped in metaphors or descriptions that clue you in on the emotion and tone of that passage.

It's like, you read Bananafish by J.D. Salinger, and you realize that the ocean isn't just there to be part of the background but it's its own character that represents the loss of innocence and suddenly the whole story is unlocked and reveals this second layer of meaning outside just what is happening.

But having said that, a script style is more suited to pure entertainment, which, is really the purpose of a fanfiction anyway. lol.

 

[Reborn]

It is easier to portray emotion in a script style, and easier to get it, but it's far less rewarding to both author and reader.

I don't wanna sound like bookworm (LOL even though I think I will sound like one) but there's nothing like reading a very well written novel, where the author drops subtle hints wrapped in metaphors or descriptions that clue you in on the emotion and tone of that passage.

It's like, you read Bananafish by J.D. Salinger, and you realize that the ocean isn't just there to be part of the background but it's its own character that represents the loss of innocence and suddenly the whole story is unlocked and reveals this second layer of meaning outside just what is happening.

But having said that, a script style is more suited to pure entertainment, which, is really the purpose of a fanfiction anyway. lol.

Do you write, I mean here on the base, because if you do I would like to take a look at some of your work. You sound like you could write some really interesting peices. I myself am not much of an advid reader but as you can see here, I do my fair share.