A Brush Without paint: Sais Untold story Chp 2

[LeafSpirit 20]

Otku: STOP CRIYING YOU BRAT!!! Are you seriously Ias son? You look like a little spoiled girl... Dont worry, I wont kill you.. No.. I got a better use for you, seeing as your Ias son, you might actually carry that skill in your blood to perform animation justu just like your father.. Yes, you should be of good use, see you later.. tool, haha, HAHAHAHA!!! After an intense karate hand blow in Ais neck, the child passed out...

Little Ai finally woke up 3 hours later to find himself in what looked liked some sort of dark storage room. He forgot about his fathers and mother death for a moment and concentrated on his growling stomagh, then a dark figure showed up, of the emptiness and darkness of the side of the storage room, a sight similar to Ais fate..
Otku: So the little brat has woken up... How intresting..

Ai: IM HUNGRY, IM COLD, I WANT MY TEADY BEAR, I WANT MY MOMM...
The horrible scenario finally flashed back on Ais little mind, and he started crying endlessly..

Otku: SHUT IT YOU LITTLE COCKROACH!! Heh.. So youre hungry are you? You want your mommy and daddy, well the last time I remember.. I WAS TOO BUSY CUTTING THEIR THROAT!!! I still have the blood of your parents splattered all over my hands, smells like dead meat, wanna smell it, or would you rather taste IT!!!

Then otku used his right hand and forcibly put it into Ais mouth and made him suck it clean, with Ai crying endlessly..

Otku: You were hungry, weren’t you, you little brat..? Heh, no, I have something plan for you boy, that animation jutsu of your fathers and his amazing ability’s.. You know, your father could have been one the strongest shinobi in all existence, but something was holding him back.. He wasnt ruthless, he was too kind, and , boy HAHAHA, didnt he paid dearly for it, for not finishing me off.. You are now my tool, your name is no longer Ai, your name from now on is tool, or Otkus tool, or better yet, your name is number 22, experiment number 22!!
The hidden mist had a smell of dread in it, mainly because it was pretty known for its famous ruthless training, or better yet torture.. They specialized in training young shinobi to getting rid of their emotions completely through sick, harsh training, and Otku was a specialist at the job, for gathering talented young shinobi without a present, without a family, and making them ruthless emotionless rough shinobi that didnt hesitate to get the job done, perfect killing machines, as otku used to say.. And Otku had a plan for Ai, and he himslef would put him through hell and make him the perfect, killer weapon he was waiting for, Ai had a present, had a future, and all was taken from him for a rouge shinobis ambitions plans for revenge, and Otku had decided to give him a taste of what was stored for little Ai, or for number 22..
With his other hand, Otku made Ai suck the blood clean and then punched him endlessley in the face until he had no teeth left, grabed him by the neck and head butted him, beating him endlessley until his face looked like a deform specimen rather than that 5 year old boy who loved to draw and smile, that pampered little boy full of hopes and dreams being washed away by the dust and wind of that treacherous day, while otku was doing this, he was screaming Insanley, THIS IS PAIN, NOT THE PAIN FROM YOUR LITTLE STOMAGH GROWLING, THIS IS PAIN, AND YOU BETTER GET USED TO IT. After all the endlessley beating, Ai was slowly diying in the cold pavement, until Otku used his secret justu, a revival jutsu only known in the hidden mist at the time, while the heart still hasnt stoped, if cast by that justu the human body wont die and is stabilized again, but the pain doesnt go away, perfect jutsu to beat the specimens to a pulp, then when theyre diying, stabilizing them again to be given another shot at torturing them once more until they are about to die yet again.. Effective jutsu for torturing, but can only be used once a day, so Otku beat Ai endlessley a second time and left him on the ground before causing fatal damage, and left..

 

[LeafSpirit 20]

Then time passed by, and the little shinobi who coudnt take the punishment died with time, and were trown out like a bag of leftovers after dinner, But Ai survived, he had the spirit of a lion hidden deep inside him, just like his father. He survived scenario, like when he was criying of hunger, Otku reminded him his body “really" wasnt hungry by beating him, and making him starve, when he felt cold and was winter, Otku striped him naked, cut his little body badly, soaked him with water and made him run for 3 hours outside on the cold. Then Ai, and all the remaining little shinobi who were still alive, each in their own storage room, were forced to watch mind playing videos of killings, and other sort of gruesome material. Seven years passed, and Ais heart had been so emotionally damaged at such a young age that even three old men combined with big sorrows in their life coudnt compare to what little Ai had endured for those seven years.. Now Ai, emotionally transformed as dark and empty as that dark, stary night that both his parents were murdered, and Ai now had a final task to be “promoted" and get taken out of that horrible, dread of a storage room.
Otku: You have come a long way number 22, didnt expect you will survive, here is your final test, kill this faceless man, and you will be promoted...

Ai: Yes master, im nothing more than your tool, it shall be done..
Then the man with a bag over his head was putten to rest by little Ai, which was Ai no more, the cruel wind of destiny had made him into number 22.. Otku: Remove his mask!!
Ai, obeyed his master and saw the face of no other than Ias,.. his father
Ai stood there frozen, waiting for emotional pain to overcome his body.. But it never did.. He didnt fell sorrow, nor hapiness, he felt nothing, absolutley complete and dark emptiness.. Similar to that little shack he spend over 5 years..
Ai: Master Otku, I remember him that being my father.. I think I was supposed to fell something inside my heart with what I just did.. I know because I remember felling it as a little boy, though I cant... remember.. how or what I should fell... Is.. This correct? What I just did?

Otku: Number 22, there are no wrong or right actions, there is just obedience to your master, remember you are just my tool, and don’t forget it...
Ai: Yes.. Master..
Right after the killing the face appereance justu dissapeared of the man who was supposibly Ais father, and was nothing more than a hidden mist shinobi that had double crossed Otku, paying dearly, But Ai didnt know that, and he never did..
Then both of them left that storage room, to number 22s new destination..

 

[naruto kyuubi]

that was like spartan training only more barbaric

 

[LeafSpirit 20]

that was like spartan training only more barbaric

Youre right, it was a little harsh..lol. But did you like it?

 

[naruto kyuubi]

i loved it but the part when sai had to kill his dad it was like dark chaotic if u get my meaning

 

[Princess Sakura]

omg that was the most awsome story ever great job im sure u are going to be a great writer someday i know it

 

[Avani]

Can I say something without you taking it as a flame or negatively? do not rush your chapters. You do not need to describe everything at once. Break it and you can also detail part of it later on when you really need to. Sometimes- Show not tell... Like by the action, expression, feelings or the lack of it. Use more words to describe those feelings or expressions..and communicate through those.

I posted a link in the fannfiction writing tips section.. It has many pointers for the beginners.. and sums up what many critiques point out at different places..

You overused the phrase "future wife" in your first chapter - you could have avoided the repeation.

I like your detailing and clarity of your idea and plot. There are some random grammatical errors which can be easily avoided if you have someone you know to go over your story and proof read it before you post it.

it's not your particular problem- our mind misses those errors which we make at the time while it's easy for a scond person to locate those very things.

Please do not take anything I say as a flame- you said you wanted to test yourself as a professional writer and thats the only reason I am trying to detail small mistakes I would have ignored otherwise. I am also writing this as a random readers POV as I'mnot a professional writer or critique myself and do not know about finer points of writing- just what stand out.

Too much violence put in the same place puts me off - personally. may not apply to others at all. I would prefer to keep it believable and something left to imagination maybe- but that's just me.

If anything I said hurt you that wasn't my intention and I apologise.

 

[LeafSpirit 20]

Not at all, i thank you for your critique, I loved how you took all that time to try and help me out to progress my story as a writer. Thank you very much!! So this storys gore was too much for you?

 

[Avani]

Not at all, i thank you for your critique, I loved how you took all that time to try and help me out to progress my story as a writer. Thank you very much!! So this storys gore was too much for you?

it's really very personal choice i think. I prefer a little less discription of violence and something better left unsaid...One can discribe the room the environment.. the reaction of the kid or if there are other kids/people around... no need for the villain himself to be so physically violent. Sometimes the atmosphere and tghe fear of violence is even more intimidating than the actual one... Just IMO..

Try posting your fic on other fiction specific sites where you can get some real critique maybe..

 

[LeafSpirit 20]

it's really very personal choice i think. I prefer a little less discription of violence and something better left unsaid...One can discribe the room the environment.. the reaction of the kid or if there are other kids/people around... no need for the villain himself to be so physically violent. Sometimes the atmosphere and tghe fear of violence is even more intimidating than the actual one... Just IMO..

Try posting your fic on other fiction specific sites where you can get some real critique maybe..

Yeah, like you said, it is more of personal opinion, for me, its important to go into detail to get the reader a clear picture of the torture Ai and the other small shinobi had to go through, to make it more emotional, and your personal opinion is that you prefer less description of violence, which is respectable

 

[Princess Sakura]

well i think that it was a really sad story but i think if you but and ch 3 maybe its not that sad my hint is to never give up xd

 

[Jack Spicer]

I like the harshness and violence here. Why? It explains just how ruthless people can be. This guy works for Root, correct? If so, and I'm pretty sure xd (forgot) he does, it explains what measure you have to go in order to become emotionless. I really like it.

 

[Princess Sakura]

well i agree with u bro

 

[LeafSpirit 20]

I like the harshness and violence here. Why? It explains just how ruthless people can be. This guy works for Root, correct? If so, and I'm pretty sure xd (forgot) he does, it explains what measure you have to go in order to become emotionless. I really like it.

Yeah, that was my plan from the start, to let the readers know how harsh you have to be treated to be neglected of fellings... The most common emotion in a human.. Plus my goal was to achieve a kind of gore felling to the readers/ torture and how much of it a little human live can take.. My plan was to create a sad layout altogether, how one of the most spoil kids could transformed into a completley different person