The 12 Sword Collection: Part 1 Of The Begining Chapter

-Yard-

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This is the first chapter for my new Fan Fic The 12 Sword Collection.
There is two parts too this first chapter.
This story does not take place in the naruto world.

too read what this FF is about click here

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The 12 Sword Collection


__________________________________________________________________

800 hundred years ago, an evil demon by the name of Gama ruled the lands. Killing innocent people and destroying villages was his natural feed of joy. The people of the villages were scared of him, they ran, they hid but no matter what they did they could not escape the demons wrath. Until one day a boy from one of the villages stood before the demon with a magical sword and challenged him. At first the demon laughed but then, in the blink of an eye, he had stabbed the demon. It was then that the demon took him serious and fought the brave boy. They fought for days on end until the boy and the demon were both worn out, they had hardly any energy left in them, but some how in a last attempt too slay the demon the boy jumped high in the air with his magical sword shining in the moon light as he went for his last and final attack. He slayed the demon and sealed him in his sword for all of eternity.

*book closes*
"setting: in a bedroom at night"


grandma: Now that's enough reading for tonight Hiroshi, you go on too sleep.

*she gets up from her chair beside Hiroshis bed and goes to shut his door*


Hiroshi: Grandma?

Grandma: Yes?

Hiroshi: What was the boys name?

*she walks over from his door and puts her hand on his head*

grandma: *She says with a calm voice and a smile* his name was Hiroshi now go on too sleep, you have your 8th grade exams tomorrow.

*She takes her hand off of his head and walks out of his room and shuts the door behind her*


*Hiroshi snuggles under his covers and prepares too go too sleep*

*It is now 11:30 pm*


*Hours pass by and it is now 3:17 am and Hiroshi is sleeping*

*a man and a woman starts too speak quietly in the boys room trying not too wake him*


woman: *whispering to another person in the room* should i wake him or are you going to?

man: *whispering to the woman* fine ill do it

*He walks over to Hiroshis bed side and softly nudges Hiroshis left arm*
*Hiroshi slowly opens his eyes and sees another mans face and he instantly forces his eyes open in fear*


Hiroshi: *quickly sits up in his bed and starts sliding back to his bed post holding the covers over his head cowering in fear* what do you want!?

woman: see what you did!? you scared him!

man: what do you mean me!? your the one standing behind me looking all creepy!

*the woman ignores the man and goes over too the right side of Hiroshis bed*

woman: *shes says too him with a sweet happy voice and a smile* hey there's no need too be afraid of us we won't hurt you.

*Hiroshi slowly lets the covers down far enough for him to see the woman's face*

woman: see now that's a little better.

Hiroshi: What do you want? *he lets the covers rest in his lap*

woman
: well as you see, that book

*the man interrupts her*


man: that book wasn't just a story, its true except the demon that I thought I sealed isn't sealed any longer, its free. you were chosen as my reincarnation. And tomorrow night at this exact time you have to go to my grave stone and place your hand on it and gain my old abilities and slay the demon or else when he awakens he will kill everyone and destroy the city!.

Hiroshi
: uh huh, i see, now if you don't mind im going too call the cops now.

man: Listen to me you little bra-

*the woman quickly covers the mans mouth up making it harder for him to talk*

woman: uuuh don't mind him ^^" hes new to all of this.

Hiroshi: new to all of what?

woman: being a spirit guide for you *she playfully laughs and takes her hand away*

man: *he says to the woman* what the hell was that for!?

woman: *puts her finger over her lips and makes a shooshing sound* shhhh

*the boy gives her a non believing face*

Hiroshi
: *inner thoughts: well they seem pretty crazy, i better try too reason with them*

Hiroshi: okay, prove too me you are who or what you say are and if you can then I wont take out my cell phone and call the police.

man: *mumbles quietly* yeah like they'd be able to see us.

woman: hmm how should i do this, lets see *she thinks for a second* *she sees a mirror on a wall beside Hiroshis bed * I got it! take that mirror down, stand beside me and hold it in front of me and you.

Hiroshi: *sighs* fine...


*the boy gets up and does exactly what she asked*

*he goes and puts the mirror in front of them*

*there's no reflection*



Hiroshi: *he screams and drops the mirror* AAAAAHHH

*Hiroshis grandpa opens the door carrying a baseball bat and turns the light on and as soon as the light comes on the spirits disappear*


Grandpa: Hiroshi whats wrong!? I heard screaming.

Hiroshi: i woke up and saw two spirits and one said they were the one from the book!

Grandpa: okay that's it, no more bed time stories for a while, now go back to sleep.

Hiroshi
: but grandpa im serious!

Grandpa: so am I, now go to sleep!

*he walks out of the room and turns the light off*

*Hiroshi looks around for the spirits and sees no one. so he decides too lay down and go back to sleep as his grandfather insisted*

Hiroshi:*inner thoughts: maybe it was a dream?....no, that was to real.*



"setting: the man and woman are on the top of the roof above Hiroshis bedroom"

"time: night"


woman: we blew it...

man: no there's still another way....there has to be.

________________________________________________________

End of Part 1

________________________________________________________



tell me what you think.

if i get good enough reviews on this FF from you guys then ill continue this FF

but remember constructive criticism is always appreciated

thank you for reading.
 
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Scherezza

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More like manga/anime/etc. scrpt than anything else, but quite interesting.

Now to crticising. What the hell hapened to you interpunction? Do you even have a beta-reader? If you don't you better find one before someone flames you, seriously.
If you want, pm me and I can beta it for you :). I like to help people make good ideas better. (I would answer tomorrow, it's middle of night in my country).
 

-Yard-

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More like manga/anime/etc. scrpt than anything else, but quite interesting.

Now to crticising. What the hell hapened to you interpunction? Do you even have a beta-reader? If you don't you better find one before someone flames you, seriously.
If you want, pm me and I can beta it for you :). I like to help people make good ideas better. (I would answer tomorrow, it's middle of night in my country).

for the first part
thank you

2nd part thank you as well
you mean like grammar and spelling?
i usually reread my FF's after i post them and then i edit them and correct anything i see wrong.

which i just got done doing.

but as for the question, no i dont have a beta reader
 
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Sharingdork

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that was a really great FF! ^_^ i think i'm going to start my new manga as a fanfic here, see if it's any good. you got the stuff to be a great writer, never let that go! keep up this story, i can't stand not knowing how something ends once i start it.

p.s. keep me posted when these r released, 2!
 

-Yard-

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that was a really great FF! ^_^ i think i'm going to start my new manga as a fanfic here, see if it's any good. you got the stuff to be a great writer, never let that go! keep up this story, i can't stand not knowing how something ends once i start it.

p.s. keep me posted when these r released, 2!
thanks man

and will do
 

Wesobi

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I like the general concept on where this is going, but the only "flaw" in the story (in my opinion ofcourse), is that it's a bit too easy getting the old Hiroshi's powers just by touching his gravestone.

Now about your grammar, there are some errors but it's not that big of a deal. The only thing that irritated me a tiny bit is that you changed from a past tense to a present tense in your introduction. (Sorry for not giving the correct term, I don't really know them in English >.>)

Anyway, overall it's a good introduction toward the main storyline. I'm looking forward to reading more.
 

Ishikage

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Pretty good love the story idea. Reminds me a little of Inuyasha.

The criticism I have is just vocab and format. The faux screenplay style is just not as good as novel type writing. And it doesn't leave enough room for the flowery type of language that makes reading it a real joy.
 

-Yard-

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I like the general concept on where this is going, but the only "flaw" in the story (in my opinion ofcourse), is that it's a bit too easy getting the old Hiroshi's powers just by touching his gravestone.

Now about your grammar, there are some errors but it's not that big of a deal. The only thing that irritated me a tiny bit is that you changed from a past tense to a present tense in your introduction. (Sorry for not giving the correct term, I don't really know them in English >.>)

Anyway, overall it's a good introduction toward the main storyline. I'm looking forward to reading more.
about the gravestone that will be explained latter
btw thanks for pointing out the past tense thing
 

Nikkou Arashi

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Well, I think your errs have been pointed out by a couple early readers already. I hope they were able to to notice your usage of "too" and "to"?:) I sort of ignored it at first, thinking that it may have just been a typo error but then, there were really a lot of them in the long runxd. I use WORD document when writing, do you? I haven't run into that beta reader as someone mentioned earlier, though. I'll most likely check on that.

One thing's for sure though, it was quite impressing of you to have imagined such a storyline! Thumbs up for that!
 
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