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*Nowness City* - Chapter Nº1 "Find her!"

John Constantine

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~FallenUchiha~ said:
Hmm...Very interesting. :'D Never read a futuristic FF before in this base, this is my first time and I can see your FF can go very far ;D I like the plot, the character's seems to be detailed described. Good work! :) Tell me when you released a 2nd part.
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You be sure i'll do it as soon as i release the next chapter. Thanks!​
 
-RoseLilly-

-RoseLilly-

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its different, never thought of reading something like this... ill keep reading it cant wait to see what happens.
(p.s. sorry not very good at comments)
 
Dr Octogonapus

Dr Octogonapus

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Nice FF mate the first chapter was really good. It's got a good futuristic storyline reminds me of Terminator (as others have said) and transformers a bit too. :D

Keep up the good work, i look forward to reading more.
 
Kushan

Kushan

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I don't do this often so bare with me:

When I read a story there's a couple of things I look for, the plot obviously, the language and it's use,

The plot is set in a post apocalyptic future, where humans are struggling to survive, and you've created the plot in such style that you can develop it to have a bit of everything, which is a good thing, you have room to develop the plot.

The language is used very proficiently,correct grammar and spellings. It's narrated in the third person, which gives the reader a feeling of being part of it but not really taking part in the story.

The only comment that I can make is that, I would probably loosen up the language a bit, not in the narration but in the conversation among the characters, keeping it realistic makes it more realistic to the reader, overall very good story and looking forward to the next chapter (7/10)
 

John Constantine

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-KUSHAN- said:
I don't do this often so bare with me:

When I read a story there's a couple of things I look for, the plot obviously, the language and it's use,

The plot is set in a post apocalyptic future, where humans are struggling to survive, and you've created the plot in such style that you can develop it to have a bit of everything, which is a good thing, you have room to develop the plot.

The language is used very proficiently,correct grammar and spellings. It's narrated in the third person, which gives the reader a feeling of being part of it but not really taking part in the story.

The only comment that I can make is that, I would probably loosen up the language a bit, not in the narration but in the conversation among the characters, keeping it realistic makes it more realistic to the reader, overall very good story and looking forward to the next chapter (7/10)
Click to expand...
Thanks alot for the review. I think you nailed it right in.
I've been saying to some of the readers through VM's discussing the Chapter that i couldn't nail the dialogue quite right.
After re-reading the chapter (Unfortunely after posted already), i just realized the dialogues felt way to straight to the point.
Just don't feel natural, specially the ones between the General and Heath.
I hope i can improve them for the next chapter, i use to make good dialogues in my last Fanfiction but stopped writting for several time, i guess i'm a little rusty.

​
 
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