Hatsu-Jinsei: Prologue

Hazure

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I am officially giving Rise of the Ranmyaku a break for a time to start this one and also to get better ideas for the Ranmyaku series.

Hatsu - Jinsei
Prologue
The boy sat in the window sill on the second story floor of the hotel. The early morning sun shined in through the window. The boy wore a gray and black bandana around his forehead, a sleeveless fishnet shirt under a pink hooded jumper which had it?s left sleeve cut off at the shoulder, chain on his left wrist along with gloves on both hands with the fingers showing, belt, purple cargo pants with the right leg to his knee and the left leg does down to his left ankle and black leather sandles.

He was concentrating on a friendly game of chess with his companion?

Girl: Knight to E5. Your move Reikon.

Reikon: Ouch! Nice play Sakura ok then?

He glances at Sakura, her straight smooth blonde hair whisping in the breeze then he looks at the board with a strategic glance?

Reikon: Pawn to D3 (He moves the piece). Ha get yourself out of that!

Sakura: Sorry to say this but you can?t make that move.

Reikon: Why not?

Sakura: Because if you move any piece you end up in check, which makes your D3 Pawn invalid!

Sakura giggles?

Reikon: Woah! How did I not see that. Oh well good game Sakura.

Reikon stops abruptly as the house quivers under a strong gale that had mysteriously blew in. Sakura and Reikon peer out of the window and see that dark, foreboding clouds had formed in the blink of an eye.

And in the distance, coming from the storm was a voice that was fading in and out?

Voice: Both have been chosen?only select few?stop?distant storm?apocolyptic battle?must find remaining 3?hurry?

The rest of what the voice said was too soft and fragile for the ears of Reikon and Sakura to hear. The storm clouds had reached the small village of Shio. And a raging storm of lightning bolts all barage the village, then Reikon noticed that every thing had started to slow down he looked at Sakura but it took him 15 seconds just to get her in full view.

Then he strained himself to look out the window and realised that time hadn?t slowed but everything was being paralysed, or something similar. Than Reikon heard a voice of a man from the window...

Voice: You must have a strong spirit if you are able to resist the Electromagnetic Paralysis Art. You 2 have been chosen, and you can't go around killing the 'Reapers' if you havn't got the gift.

The floating man reached out with both his arms and poked Sakura and Reikon on the forehead, leaving a mark which slowly faded. Then a piercing pain shot through Reikon's neck.

Reikon: Aaaaaaargh! Wh...what have you done to us?!

Voice: I have given you a gift. I fear you may need the power I've bestowed upon you. For it is time your journey begins...

Reikon's vision began to blur, the face of the man started to fade away as Reikon collapses onto the floor. Then everything went dark as Reikon closes his eyes and falls into the solemn realm of unconsciousness, the only thing that would later remond him of the event was the tattoo that was now imprinted on the back of his neck


~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

Note that the character 'Sakura' has no affiliation to naruto. A matter of fact this fanfic has nothing to do with Naruto (possibly)

Please leave comments^^ All comments are valuable.
 
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Sin

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The chess part seemed not good because people don't get chess...like me

and the plot is un-explained because...well you don't know what its about what ever its based on you don't know..
 

Kazamori

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The chess part seemed not good because people don't get chess...like me

and the plot is un-explained because...well you don't know what its about what ever its based on you don't know..
I guess...

Well anyway I kinda got into it, because I want to know what is it about... gonna read next chapter to know =\ Right now it's all mysterious xD lol
 

Hazure

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Cool =) Nice how you added that chess part ^^
Thank you! I just really got into chess

The chess part seemed not good because people don't get chess...like me

and the plot is un-explained because...well you don't know what its about what ever its based on you don't know..
...

I guess...

Well anyway I kinda got into it, because I want to know what is it about... gonna read next chapter to know =\ Right now it's all mysterious xD lol
thank you that means alot to me and yes little by little you'll get to understand it (hopefully)
 

HiddenShadowNinja

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It's a good start. A few things I'd change though....

"The rest of what the voice said was too soft and fragile for the ears of Reikon and Sakura to hear. The storm clouds had reached the small village of Shio. And a raging storm of lightning bolts all barage the village, then Reikon noticed that every thing had started to slow down he looked at Sakura and noticed that it took him 15 seconds just to get her in full view."

Try not to use the word noticed twice here. Use a different word.

And take out the "and save the world!" part here...

"I have given you the gift. It is time for you to start your journey and save the world!"

It's more mysterious if you make it something like..."I have given you a gift. I fear you may need the power I've bestowed upon you. For it is time your journey begins..."
 

Riku..

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Nice job dude ^^. Just a few tips/advice:

When your explain how a character looks, don't make it so... wordy and straightforward. Like instead of saying "chain on his left wrist" and "the morning sun shone through the window," which by the way is a good sentence. Try combining them by saying something like, "the morning sun shone brightly on the chain that wrapped around his wrist" that's not the best sentence but you get what I mean XD. But by making it wordy, the reader could possibly lose interest.

And as my gifted & talented :)cool: XD) teacher said throughout this year. Show me, don't tell me. Like, instead of saying "looked at the board with a strategic glance" try "she looked at the board with a glance so strategic that it seemed as though she was looking straight through it and could plan the moves that were countless turns ahead." That way, your not only telling them, you're almost putting a vision in their head which is every writer's goal. To transfer the beautiful vision in their head into the reader's.

Also, don't rush too much with the plot. Like, the way that you just made them playing chess and then the dude just comes out of nowhere was a little bit too quick. Although I do like the way you introduced him. But don't be afraid to make things last for more than one chapter. And I know that it may seem like you may lose interest from doing that but it also just sets you up that much more for a big bang when you do put it all together. I'm not saying that you rushed a lot, but you rushed just a tiny bit.

Also, this is a little dumb but me being a chess nerd I had to say this lol: if he couldn't move anywhere without putting the king in check then it would be stalemate (unless she already got the king in check). Because by saying that Sakura giggled you gave me the impression that she won instead of a draw which is what stalemate is. Lol, just a little frivolous fun fact there XD.

Don't take any of this to heart dude, these are just my opinions and I could be wrong. But I also think that you've done very good with this so far. And these are a lot of mistakes that I've made so don't be ashamed by making any.

The chess part seemed not good because people don't get chess...like me

and the plot is un-explained because...well you don't know what its about what ever its based on you don't know..
Disagreed greatly, the prologue isn't really meant to explain the entire story. It's mostly meant simply to gain the reader's attention and draw you in, which he did a pretty good job of doing here.

And for the chess part, I don't really get what you're saying there. I've read a lot of books that have had games and things like that that I may have disliked but it still had my attention. And chess is one of the best games for a book in a lot of situations, it shows strategy and blah blah blah.

Again, don't take any of this to heart, this is just my opinion.
 
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