Unknown Tales of Namikaze Minato: Minato's Speech

~Uzumaki~

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I'm bringin' it back again yo! xd Well, obviously there's gonna be a speech in this. Btw, if you think the actual speech sucks, don't feel bad. I agree with you. I'm no speech writer >_> just wanted to do this. Wanted to sorta mirror Gaara's speech at the beginning of the war :ghehe:


Don't forget to comment, makes me feel like I didn't waste my time writing this lo-ng a-ss sh-it xd

Thanks.





“WHAT!”

“They killed our friends, our family!”

“Blood for blood, I wanna kill them!”

“We have the Yellow Flash. Why should we retreat?!”

The assembled horde of Konoha shinobi were in an unpleasant uproar, several complaints ringing loudly and viciously at the Uchiha commander. The man however, had no reaction, his face remaining as stoic as when he arrived. Despite his indifferent appearance, Fugaku was severely annoyed by the disorderly conduct displayed by these supposedly disciplined shinobi. Amongst the Uchiha clan, such rudeness was unfathomable. Complete control of one's feelings and emotions was such a familiar trait amongst the members of the red eyed clan that one might wonder if it was genetically passed on from parent to offspring.

What most annoyed him was the fact that he agreed with them, he wanted vengeance just as desperately as the Konoha forces did. A bitter taste filled his mouth when he declared the order to retreat. He wanted to slaughter every single ninja of Iwagakure and feed their entrails to the birds of the air, there would be no mercy whatsoever. However, accomplishing this was next to impossible.

Konoha was outnumbered and outmatched. Wisdom had to command emotions to silence, fighting Iwagakure at this point would be utter foolishness. He inhaled deeply, filling his lungs with air and keeping it trapped within his chest for a second before he slowly exhaled. The Uchiha lifted his right hand towards the group before him, the simple gesture commanding them to perfect silence.

“Why commander?” asked one of the ninja in a cracked and pained voice, his voice cutting through the silence. “My father and my uncle, they died yesterday in that battle. We were sent here to invade Iwagakure. We should complete that task, for the sake of those that were lost in order for us to come this far.” his words were full of conviction and weighed heavy with grief and sadness. The crowd murmured in agreement.

Uchiha Fugaku sighed. He was known for neither great empathy nor sympathy. “Don't be rash. Your family died for Konoha. Quite honorable, I must say. Would you waste their sacrifices by throwing your life away in a pointless battle? Your life was preserved at the cost of theirs, do not be so quick to lose it.” the Uchiha's words were strong, his tone full of authority and charisma. However, there was also a tinge of softness and emotion. Uchiha Fugaku cherished his own family dearly after all.

A pregnant silence fell on the crowd, every trace of sound dispelled by Fugaku's reply. The shinobi who had asked the question hung his head low, tears freely escaping his eyes, as he quietly sobbed. Both hands were fiercely balled into fists, his fingernails digging so hard into his skin that blood trickled out and trailed off his knuckles. Fugaku noticed but showed no discernable reaction. He merely peered at the crying shinobi with half dimmed eyes, allowing his words to sink into the fellow.

“Anyways,” began Fugaku, “we will be retreating like I...”

“You don't ****ing know anything!” thundered the shinobi who was in tears, cutting Fugaku off, his voice loud and full of immense rage. His eyes were now fixated on the Uchiha, ebony colored orbs, full of hatred, staring daggers at Fugaku. Teeth grinding ruthlessly against each other, face twisted into a menacing grimace, he silently stared at his Commander with eyes ripe with indignation. Losing control of his emotions, reason giving way to blind rage, he abruptly fired a large shuriken at the Uchiha.

The weapon flew from the shinobi's hand, spinning rapidly at the Commander with the singular purpose of tearing through Fugaku. The Uchiha blinked, instantly activating his crimson colored dojutsu as he brought both hands together with the intent of weaving hand seals. In an instant, the speeding weapon was shattered to pieces much to the shock of everyone present, as it clashed with a blue sphere composed of dense, rapidly spinning chakra: Minato had countered the attack, moving with great speed from behind the gathering in order to quickly intercept the launched shuriken with the Rasengan.

“So fast.” commented one of the ninja present. “Where did he come from?”

“W-Wow...” stuttered another, eyes wide and jaw slacked in utter shock. The Yellow Flash had appeared out of nowhere.

Fugaku's eyes widened for a split second but quickly returned to their normal state. He crossed his arms as his Sharingan slowly spun away and the black returned to his dimmed pupils. “You didn't have to.” commented the Uchiha while wearing a deep frown, annoyed by the unnecessary intervention of the blonde.

“Its the least I could do. This is simply in gratitude for actually taking my concerns to heart. I'm sorry for interrupting however.” Minato flashed an apologetic smile as the blue chakra sphere on his palm vanished. The blonde turned sharply, his eyes meeting the shinobi who had attempted to assault Fugaku. On the blonde's face was written a look of pity. He truly felt for the ninja in question.

“You are now excused Minato.” said Fugaku, a piercing glare directed at the blonde who stood before him. Minato was crouched on the ground, his back curved with one knee resting on the earth while the other jutted upwards beside the blonde's face. Bright shimmering blue eyes met Fugaku's dull ones as the blonde rose to his feet. Soft murmurs were distinctly audible behind the blonde and the Uchiha, the crowd of shinobi responsible for the clamor.

“If I may Fugaku-san, I wish to address our comrades.” said Minato, his tone soft and pleading yet still firm and confident. A silence followed, Minato and Fugaku's eyes still firmly locked as they continued their staring contest. Fugaku was the first to relent, shifting backwards and lowering his head slightly as he let out a bored, exasperated sigh. “Do as you please. They consider you their hero after all, perhaps they will listen to you Minato.”

“I'm grateful for the opportunity Fugaku-san.” said the blonde, a warm smile gracing his lips as he gave a slight bow to the Commander of Konoha's Iwagakure Invasion Force, his back ever so slightly curving before the Uchiha in humble respect.

Fugaku shifted backwards, fading into the background in order for Minato to capture the attention of everyone present. Minato abruptly turned around, now facing the crowd of ninja, a stern, almost angry look, plastered on his features as cold eyes looked into every one of their faces. This look struck of chord of fear in the hearts of his own comrades as they gazed upon the blonde, all now completely silent. Minato was better known for a cheerful, warm and bright personality but at that moment, a cold indifference and a blazing anger seemed to radiate from the man known as the Yellow Flash. Now, they understood why their enemies feared him so much.

The blonde's gaze swayed between the numerous faces of the company of ninja who stood before him, then settled on a certain individual; the ninja who had hurled the shuriken at Fugaku. The man in question froze completely, his face turning pale, when he realized he was now under the intense, frightful and piercing glare of the Yellow Flash, murder written all over the blonde's face. The Konoha shinobi gulped as several beads of sweat rolled down the sides of his face as well as his forehead, the intensity of Minato's gaze simply too overwhelming for him. The blonde then looked away, releasing the unruly shinobi from the invisible power of cold cerulean eyes. Minato now stared at the crowd as a whole, not focusing on any specific individual.

“It is true,” began the blonde, “ that several of our comrades were lost over the course of our previous battles. However, that is simply no reason for us to let ourselves be consumed by hatred and become vengeful. Our comrades are dead, yes, but they live on. Inside of us.” Minato's gaze softened, his eyes now reflecting their usual warmth as words, rich in passion and emotion softly eased out of his lips. “They are immortalized inside of us, and inside of every citizen and shinobi of Konoha for whom they freely laid down their lives, including the unborn children of Konoha.”

“Turn your attention away from the heartless Iwa shinobi who killed those that were dear to us and focus instead on our loved ones themselves. Would they wish for us to give up our lives for the sake of trying to avenge them? No, I'm completely convinced that they would want us to protect the very thing they died for, they would want us to protect Konoha!”

“From birth to adulthood, we have lived peacefully within the strong walls of the Hidden Leaf, but now that peace is no more. Each and every one of us has been called into battle and we will have to bear the burden of the pain and sorrow that results from war. Now, Konoha needs us to fight other battles, in other countries, in order to protect the future of the next generation, to shield them from the ugly pain and bloodshed that has been forced upon us by cruel fate.”

“So, my comrades in arms, for the sake of those whose blood were shed because they called themselves Konoha shinobi, let us put away malice and vengeance. Let us pick ourselves up and move forward. Let us rally ourselves and pour all of our strength into protecting the village, the heritage, they died for! Only then would they have died for something!”

Minato's words received a thunderous applause, the cacophony of clapping hands mixed in loud cheering from nearly every shinobi present. The passion of his speech had served to fuel the kindled flame of the Will of Fire that burned fiercely in each of their hearts and souls. The powerful blaze that possessed the ability to melt hatred, to destroy strife and foster unconditional love between the shinobi of Konoha. Needless to say, the Konoha shinobi then wholeheartedly agreed to return to Konoha.

.

.

.


A light disturbance in the gentle wind sounded softly as a large company of Konoha ninja flew from tree to tree. Their feet patted softly against the aged bark of the massive coiled trees which made up this dense forest, as they transversed the woodland. They carried themselves which a quiet grace which served to mask their weariness and fatigue due to the long journey that had brought them thus far.

At the helm of the company of ninja were two shinobi. Both were similarly dressed; they each sported the usual Konoha shinobi uniform, complete with flak jackets and forehead protectors. One however, had spiky blonde hair which subtly gleaned under the rays of the sun while the other had a grey-black head of hair. The first had bright cerulean pupils while the other's were a dull onyx. Minato and Fugaku leaped in pace with one another, eyes directed forward while the rest of the Konoha shinobi followed keenly behind. They were speeding towards the place where they called home, they were headed back to Konoha.




Rate y'all :scorps: (Be nice :ghehe:)
 
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~Uzumaki~

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Simply no words for this one. Great description ..... AWESOME :D
Thanks dude! You're too kind.

it felt as if am watching a movie. nice description and explanation. now waiting to see where you will head to.

good chapter.
Good description is what I always aim for. Nice to know I hit my target. :scorps: thanks dude!
 

Shinobi Train

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Wow, you've really been improving, and yes there's always plenty of room to get better, but this is really nice. There were a few words that popped up too much and too close together, namely "comrade". I didn't see any misspelled words, and there were at least two places where a comma' or semi-colon might have been needed, but the grammar is excellent. I always see places to improve the wording of something, that never stops, the perfect wording is a myth, it's just something we try to find in futility and comes out to preference in the end.

Just a tip when doing descriptions, every once in a while it's good to find an odd/unusual way to describe something. For example, instead of saying "The wind was blowing the rain sideways as the storm raged around the house", you could say "Rain chased the wind as it swarmed about in a ferocious gale". In context, the second one is implying that the house is there, no need to mention it if that's understood, so that's an example of re-wording to shorten what needs to be said, and painting the picture in an interesting way. I think you get what I'm saying. xd

Now, just because I can tell you're really into the speech, I've decided to focus on it myself. :p Speeches are hard, really hard, in fact, even though I think I'm really good at dialogue...I've never even attempted a speech, it's always scared me a little. In order to have a good speech, it has to command a sh*t ton of "HAZZAH!" Especially in a movie; because with video the speech should be so good that people are jumping out of their seats and giving fist pumps they're so excited. It's really hard to get that reaction with text and no visuals or music to go along with it...a truly daunting task to bring such strong emotions out of a cold, heartless, black and white page.

All I'm going to do is re-word it a bit, maybe not even for the better, it might not actually improve it (I might even make it worse if anything), I think you should see this though, it could really help next time you're writing. ^_^

Original:

“Turn your attention away from the heartless Iwa shinobi who killed those that were dear to us and focus instead on our loved ones themselves. Would they wish for us to give up our lives for the sake of trying to avenge them? No, I'm completely convinced that they would want us to protect the very thing they died for, they would want us to protect Konoha!”

“From birth to adulthood, we have lived peacefully within the strong walls of the Hidden Leaf, but now that peace is no more. Each and every one of us has been called into battle and we will have to bear the burden of the pain and sorrow that results from war. Now, Konoha needs us to fight other battles, in other countries, in order to protect the future of the next generation, to shield them from the ugly pain and bloodshed that has been forced upon us by cruel fate.”

“So, my comrades in arms, for the sake of those whose blood were shed because they called themselves Konoha shinobi, let us put away malice and vengeance. Let us pick ourselves up and move forward. Let us rally ourselves and pour all of our strength into protecting the village, the heritage, they died for! Only then would they have died for something!”

Re-worked:

“Turn aside your attention from the murderous Iwa shinobi! Focus instead on loved ones who have fallen. Would they truly wish us to give our lives in the name of vengeance? No, they would want us to protect the very thing they died for... They would want us to protect Konoha!”

“From birth to death, we have lived peacefully within the Hidden Leaf, but now that is no more. Each and every one of us has been called to arms, and we will bear the burden of pain and sorrow that comes of war. Konoha needs us to fight other battles, against other threats, in order to protect the future of our village, our home!”

“So, for the sake of those whose blood was shed, let us put away malice and revenge. Let us move forward, brothers. Let us rally ourselves and pour our strength into protecting what they died for! Only then would they have died for something!”



Okay, there ya' go. :p Hope this stuff helped, and take some time to compare the two versions of the speech, also try to find things that would improve it. Also remember that you don't have to always spell everything out, a lot of stuff can be understood simply because of the context. ^_^
 
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~Uzumaki~

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Wow, you've really been improving,
Wow, thanks. Seriously, man, means a lot coming from someone who can actually find something wrong with Germanicus' work xd

and yes there's always plenty of room to get better, but this is really nice. There were a few words that popped up too much and too close together, namely "comrade".
I know. :shy: I have this problem. Sometimes I re-read it and see it for myself then make changes but...I don't usually get all of them.

I didn't see any misspelled words,
WHAAAAAT?!!!!!! Seriously, this was what I was most afraid of :ghehe: in fact, I started editing the chap like two minutes after I sent the link to you xd

and there were at least two places where a comma' or semi-colon might have been needed, but the grammar is excellent. I always see places to improve the wording of something, that never stops, the perfect wording is a myth, it's just something we try to find in futility and comes out to preference in the end.
Yeah, it does come down to preference. I don't really like mine though :ghehe: doesn't sound.....writer-like xd

Just a tip when doing descriptions, every once in a while it's good to find an odd/unusual way to describe something. For example, instead of saying "The wind was blowing the rain sideways as the storm raged around the house", you could say "Rain chased the wind as it swarmed about in a ferocious gale". In context, the second one is implying that the house is there, no need to mention it if that's understood, so that's an example of re-wording to shorten what needs to be said, and painting the picture in an interesting way. I think you get what I'm saying. xd
Exactly, I'm SO NOT good at that. Everything I say is just literal. Not writer-like. -______- would help if you could give me some more tips in this area. :pwease:

Now, just because I can tell you're really into the speech, I've decided to focus on it myself. :p Speeches are hard, really hard, in fact, even though I think I'm really good at dialogue...I've never even attempted a speech, it's always scared me a little. In order to have a good speech, it has to command a sh*t ton of "HAZZAH!" Especially in a movie; because with video the speech should be so good that people are jumping out of their seats and giving fist pumps they're so excited. It's really hard to get that reaction with text and no visuals or music to go along with it...a truly daunting task to bring such strong emotions out of a cold, heartless, black and white page.[
/QUOTE]

Yeah, xd I tried to imagine inspirational music playing in the background. Didn't help. So I concluded that the speech sucked. I now have a new found respect for the writers of every movie where there was a speech that actually got any kind of hazzah and fist bumping reaction from anybody.

xd

All I'm going to do is re-word it a bit, maybe not even for the better, it might not actually improve it (I might even make it worse if anything), I think you should see this though, it could really help next time you're writing. ^_^

Original:

“Turn your attention away from the heartless Iwa shinobi who killed those that were dear to us and focus instead on our loved ones themselves. Would they wish for us to give up our lives for the sake of trying to avenge them? No, I'm completely convinced that they would want us to protect the very thing they died for, they would want us to protect Konoha!”

“From birth to adulthood, we have lived peacefully within the strong walls of the Hidden Leaf, but now that peace is no more. Each and every one of us has been called into battle and we will have to bear the burden of the pain and sorrow that results from war. Now, Konoha needs us to fight other battles, in other countries, in order to protect the future of the next generation, to shield them from the ugly pain and bloodshed that has been forced upon us by cruel fate.”

“So, my comrades in arms, for the sake of those whose blood were shed because they called themselves Konoha shinobi, let us put away malice and vengeance. Let us pick ourselves up and move forward. Let us rally ourselves and pour all of our strength into protecting the village, the heritage, they died for! Only then would they have died for something!”

Re-worked:

“Turn aside your attention from the murderous Iwa shinobi! Focus instead on loved ones who have fallen. Would they truly wish us to give our lives in the name of vengeance? No, they would want us to protect the very thing they died for... They would want us to protect Konoha!”

“From birth to death, we have lived peacefully within the Hidden Leaf, but now that is no more. Each and every one of us has been called to arms, and we will bear the burden of pain and sorrow that comes of war. Konoha needs us to fight other battles, against other threats, in order to protect the future of our village, our home!”

“So, for the sake of those whose blood was shed, let us put away malice and revenge. Let us move forward, brothers. Let us rally ourselves and pour our strength into protecting what they died for! Only then would they have died for something!”



Okay, there ya' go. :p Hope this stuff helped, and take some time to compare the two versions of the speech, also try to find things that would improve it. Also remember that you don't have to always spell everything out, a lot of stuff can be understood simply because of the context. ^_^
Will certainly pay attention to this. Thanks S. Train.
 

Shinobi Train

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Wow, thanks. Seriously, man, means a lot coming from someone who can actually find something wrong with Germanicus' work xd



I know. :shy: I have this problem. Sometimes I re-read it and see it for myself then make changes but...I don't usually get all of them.



WHAAAAAT?!!!!!! Seriously, this was what I was most afraid of :ghehe: in fact, I started editing the chap like two minutes after I sent the link to you xd



Yeah, it does come down to preference. I don't really like mine though :ghehe: doesn't sound.....writer-like xd



Exactly, I'm SO NOT good at that. Everything I say is just literal. Not writer-like. -______- would help if you could give me some more tips in this area. :pwease:


Yeah, xd I tried to imagine inspirational music playing in the background. Didn't help. So I concluded that the speech sucked. I now have a new found respect for the writers of every movie where there was a speech that actually got any kind of hazzah and fist bumping reaction from anybody.

xd



Will certainly pay attention to this. Thanks S. Train.
If Germanicus would get over his lazy attitude toward editing, I wouldn't be able to find anything wrong with his work. xd

About re-wording stuff and not being so literal and linear, it really is a practice thing. The only way to improve on this is to take someone else's work (very important that it's not your own, and I'll explain why) and try to change it while maintaining the same end result. If you try to do this with your own stuff at first, your brain won't even let you think about it. You wrote it your way, and now that's the only way it will look good to you. However, if you weren't the original author, then you have a better chance of telling yourself what to change. After doing that with other people's stuff for a while, eventually your mind will be able to handle doing it to your own work.

Putting yourself in a scene you're writing about is hard at certain times. Also, it's best to remain confident in what you're writing. mainly the reason why your speech sucks so much is because you think it does, and that also comes through in the writing too. Seriously, the only why to mentally survive as a writer, or an artist, or anyone that gets criticism of any kind, is for them to walk in like "What up? I got a big c**k." Sure, you take crits, you have to take crits, but at the same time, the ice on the fringe is so frosty, people be like "Damn, that's a cold ass honky".

Actually, the confidence level is really important. You can't let yourself stop improving, you're always improving and in your mind your sh*t is sh*t, but simultaneously you have this dude's attitude:

 

~Uzumaki~

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If Germanicus would get over his lazy attitude toward editing, I wouldn't be able to find anything wrong with his work. xd

About re-wording stuff and not being so literal and linear, it really is a practice thing. The only way to improve on this is to take someone else's work (very important that it's not your own, and I'll explain why) and try to change it while maintaining the same end result. If you try to do this with your own stuff at first, your brain won't even let you think about it. You wrote it your way, and now that's the only way it will look good to you. However, if you weren't the original author, then you have a better chance of telling yourself what to change. After doing that with other people's stuff for a while, eventually your mind will be able to handle doing it to your own work.

Putting yourself in a scene you're writing about is hard at certain times. Also, it's best to remain confident in what you're writing. mainly the reason why your speech sucks so much is because you think it does, and that also comes through in the writing too. Seriously, the only why to mentally survive as a writer, or an artist, or anyone that gets criticism of any kind, is for them to walk in like "What up? I got a big c**k." Sure, you take crits, you have to take crits, but at the same time, the ice on the fringe is so frosty, people be like "Damn, that's a cold ass honky".

Actually, the confidence level is really important. You can't let yourself stop improving, you're always improving and in your mind your sh*t is sh*t, but simultaneously you have this dude's attitude:

Thanks man. I'll try that. I'm actually pretty confident in my work, I just also know and recognize when people are better than me. :scorps:
 

~Uzumaki~

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You don't give yourself enough credit, that was great chapter and speech :)
Thanks. Also, for following this story ever since chap 1. This is actually the fourteen chap and I can't believe I've actually written so much without discontinuing. Plus there are people who have read every chap. O_O
 

Shinobi Train

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Thanks man. I'll try that. I'm actually pretty confident in my work, I just also know and recognize when people are better than me. :scorps:
Yeah, but see, everyone thinks I'm a good writer, but really all I've done is decided in my head that I'm a good writer and made it come true. xd One must rise to the challenge.
 

~Uzumaki~

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Yeah, but see, everyone thinks I'm a good writer, but really all I've done is decided in my head that I'm a good writer and made it come true. xd One must rise to the challenge.
Cool. From your attitude when you first joined Writer's Block, I could tell that you were either.....

A. A dude with a really c*cky attitude

B. A damn good writer.



I guess the answer is

C. Both xd


Thanks man.
 

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Cool. From your attitude when you first joined Writer's Block, I could tell that you were either.....

A. A dude with a really c*cky attitude

B. A damn good writer.



I guess the answer is

C. Both xd


Thanks man.
Exactly, in my own way, and even directly at times, I'm going around telling everyone that I'm the shiznit. Even in that previous post, I said "everyone thinks I'm a good writer"...who the f**k thinks I'm a good writer? o_O No one has actually said that to me until I told people that I was a good writer, then once I told people I was good, then they started saying I was a good writer...I've decided this, and now it's backed up by all these other people so it's true now, you yourself just said it. I'm an a**hole in this way...that also means I win, I will make damn sure I win, it cannot be stopped, I will literally go tell people to read my book, then suddenly all their friends and their friend's friends have read it and so on till I've won. I will make myself win. Success is the only option, failure is not; I'm not asking people if they like my work, I'm telling them they do and making it so. I'm an a**hole. xd
 

~Uzumaki~

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Exactly, in my own way, and even directly at times, I'm going around telling everyone that I'm the shiznit. Even in that previous post, I said "everyone thinks I'm a good writer"...who the f**k thinks I'm a good writer? o_O No one has actually said that to me until I told people that I was a good writer, then once I told people I was good, then they started saying I was a good writer...I've decided this, and now it's backed up by all these other people so it's true now, you yourself just said it. I'm an a**hole in this way...that also means I win, I will make damn sure I win, it cannot be stopped, I will literally go tell people to read my book, then suddenly all their friends and their friend's friends have read it and so on till I've won. I will make myself win. Success is the only option, failure is not; I'm not asking people if they like my work, I'm telling them they do and making it so. I'm an a**hole. xd
That's actually pretty true. Now that I think about it, you probably didn't think I was remotely good till you read this. Probably cuz I never say I'm a good writer. I guess attitude matters xd. That's a crazy leSson there o_O
 

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Well seems like Sam gave you the CnC you wanted, but since I accepted it on the thread I will at least put in my input without reading his. So if I touch base on the same things, you know why. lol

Ok the first few comments that were made at the very start of the story, was it just random people shouting out? o_O I'm assuming so since there was no "this person said" still don't make your reader guess. :lmao: (Note I point out things before reading the next sentence/paragraph) xd

What most annoyed him
What annoyed him most....

was the fact that he agreed with them, he wanted vengeance just as desperately as the Konoha forces did.
was the fact that he wanted vengeance just as desperately as the fuming crowd. (Konoha forces works as well :p)

He wanted to slaughter every single ninja of Iwagakure and feed their entrails to the birds of the air, there would be no mercy whatsoever. However, accomplishing this was next to impossible.

You used he wanted in the last sentence so switch it up by saying he desired to slaughter....
Also you don't need to say "birds of the air" people know birds fly and of course there would be other creatures that would feast on the dead. ;)
Obviously performing such an act would be showing no mercy, so it's not really needed either. >.>

Konoha was outnumbered and outmatched. Wisdom had to command emotions to silence, fighting Iwagakure at this point would be utter foolishness. (not sure what you mean by out matched o_O) However these two sentences could be combined to sound better.

A pregnant silence.... Huh o_O lol that makes absolutely no sense to me.

Both hands were fiercely balled into fists, his fingernails digging so hard into his skin that blood trickled out and trailed off his knuckles.
Correcting the bold: causing his nails to dig into the delicate flesh of his palms, as blood trickled down his knuckles. (Idk this sentence just doesn't want to work for me tonight. xd)

“we will be retreating like I...” you need a - instead of ... the "-" shows interruption where as "..." shows a pause.

Anyways it seems as if you're improving like Sam said and I'm happy to see it! You still need work, but practice makes perfect! (I'm sure Sam informed you of the things you need to improve on so I won't repeat it.)

See I didn't neglect you! xd lol Good story none the less. ^_^
 
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~Uzumaki~

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Well seems like Sam gave you the CnC you wanted, but since I accepted it on the thread I will at least put in my input without reading his. So if I touch base on the same things, you know why. lol

Ok the first few comments that were made at the very start of the story, was it just random people shouting out? o_O I'm assuming so since there was no "this person said" still don't make your reader guess. :lmao: (Note I point out things before reading the next sentence/paragraph) xd

What most annoyed him
What annoyed him most....

was the fact that he agreed with them, he wanted vengeance just as desperately as the Konoha forces did.
was the fact that he wanted vengeance just as desperately as the fuming crowd. (Konoha forces works as well :p)

He wanted to slaughter every single ninja of Iwagakure and feed their entrails to the birds of the air, there would be no mercy whatsoever. However, accomplishing this was next to impossible.

You used he wanted in the last sentence so switch it up by saying he desired to slaughter....
Also you don't need to say "birds of the air" people know birds fly and of course there would be other creatures that would feast on the dead. ;)
Obviously performing such an act would be showing no mercy, so it's not really needed either. >.>

Konoha was outnumbered and outmatched. Wisdom had to command emotions to silence, fighting Iwagakure at this point would be utter foolishness. (not sure what you mean by out matched o_O) However these two sentences could be combined to sound better.

A pregnant silence.... Huh o_O lol that makes absolutely no sense to me.

Both hands were fiercely balled into fists, his fingernails digging so hard into his skin that blood trickled out and trailed off his knuckles.
Correcting the bold: causing his nails to dig into the delicate flesh of his palms, as blood trickled down his knuckles. (Idk this sentence just doesn't want to work for me tonight. xd)

“we will be retreating like I...” you need a - instead of ... the "-" shows interruption where as "..." shows a pause.

Anyways it seems as if you're improving like Sam said and I'm happy to see it! You still need work, but practice makes perfect! (I'm sure Sam informed you of the things you need to improve on so I won't repeat it.)

See I didn't neglect you! xd lol Good story none the less. ^_^
Thanks. It means a lot especially since I know you don't like Fanfiction xd Just for that, I might feature Itachi pretty soon. :rolleyes:

ahhhhh man everytime u bring something inront of us we're just being so attached to urs creation...just keep it uppp its awesome
Thanks dude!
 
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