Wolfe Chapter 1: Here, Kitty Kitty

Shinobi Train

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Welcome, this is Wolfe :D. I've created this world purely from scratch and I hope you like it. The inspiration for this comes from too many things to count, but a few of them are: Naruto, Bleach (sorta') and Pokemon. Enjoy!


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“Hey! What are you doing?! It’s late, and dinner’s almost ready!”

“I know, sis…shhh…just give me a minute.” Zane replied in a hushed tone.

He was focusing on a kitten who had taken interest in him for some reason. Bria was always such a pain and had nearly scared it off with her yelling. It finally settled down a little and looked back at the young man holding his hands out calmly.

“You aren’t going to be able to do it ya’ know; just give up and come inside.” She told him in her usual smug tone.

Zane ignored it, it was typical and he had learned to block it out years ago. He just kept focusing on the cat which sat there looking at him indignantly. After a few moments he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, then began moving one hand closer to the animal. The other hand he wrapped around his arm the way younger trainers were taught to.

“This is stupid; just give it up already…” Bria reached out and was about to grab that same arm to pull him back to the house.

Before the girl could finish flapping her arrogant lips, Zane placed his hand on the kitten’s front leg. Suddenly there was an explosion of power, the cat’s paw doubled in size, then its shoulder right above his hand followed suit. A heartbeat later the entire leg was three times what it should normally be. The rest of its body began to transform as well, but not as rapidly.

The creature looked at Zane then let out a miniature growl which turned into a violent roar as it continued to grow larger. Its fur seemed to be absorbed in its skin as the muscles bulged and veins were pushed outward. The hairless cat went from a pinkish color to a dark grey; every inch of its body was pulsing with unimaginable strength. The one arm continued to grow larger ahead of everything else, causing it to be somewhat lopsided.

Zane had stumbled backward in shock; this is what he wanted, but never expected it to just simply happen like this. Bria stood in awe after retreating slightly herself; she never imagined her stupid brother would pull off such a transformation; it was her duty as his older sister to always be first at everything.

What was once a small kitten had now become a fearsome beast; its claws dug into the log it was griping, then snapped it into pieces that splintered off in a shower. The two siblings received several cuts, but that was no concern. This monster was out of control. It took a swipe at Bria then snapped at her brother.

“You’re supposed to have it under control, you idiot!” She yelled at him.

“I don’t know what’s wrong!”

“Well do something, don’t just stand there looking stupid!”

“Shut up, will you?!” He replied, their rivalry never ceasing even in a crisis.

Zane’s red hair flew back as the beast let out an ear-splitting roar. He managed to touch it one more time in an attempt to control the situation. Placing his trembling hand on its snout he tried forcing his will into the monster. Obviously it wasn’t working, it felt his fear and resisted. Just then their parents came running out of the house with all this commotion.

“What’s going on?!” Shouted Sam Wolfe, but his question was answered for him when he saw the creature. “Get back, boy!” He ordered as the fiend whipped its head threateningly toward him.

Thinking fast to save his children, the man reached down in mid stride to rip an axe from its stump. He hurled it through the air, lodging it into the shoulder of the overgrown cat. Even though this monster was now twice the size of a man and still growing, such a sharp amount of pain was enough to startle it. A flailing paw swung at Zane; giant claws taring across his body. The teen was knocked down, which immediately induced panic from his mother.

“Honey!” She screamed.

Bria had enough sense to retreat from the area entirely, but when she saw her brother fall it was only fear that kept her from running back out to him. She looked over to see mother being motioned to stay back.

“He’s fine! Let’s worry more about this thing, we can’t let it…” He was cut off when the beast let out another thunderous outcry.

The whole town was awake now, not to mention the neighboring family. The Wolfe had lived in this place for hundreds of years, and had occasionally caused disturbances before, but this was by far the most dangerous in recent history. However, the town was theirs to protect as well, there was a reason it was named Wolfegate after all.

The town itself lay below in a valley, while the Wolfe family lived in a more forested area overlooking it. Two great rivers which spilled into waterfalls framed the Eastern end of the valley, cutting the village in three parts which were spanned by bridges before dumping into the ocean on the Western side. There were only two ways in or out of the town, and with a rampaging beast thrashing about it was critical to keep it from charging into the dell.

Bells began ringing as an alarm; the warriors of Wolfe were rushing to and fro; noise had filled the night air completely. All the sounds were distracting the monstrous cat as it whipped its head left and right in confusion. Zane brought himself to his feet, the pain was worse than the actual cuts but that was no excuse to not help clean up his own mess.

At first it seemed like everyone was dashing about wildly. Zane finally managed to distance himself from the creature, but accidently backed into someone as a shoulder slammed against his.

“Watch what you’re doing, kid!” The man snapped; it was none other than Mathias, a sort of rival to his father Sam. “I swear, if you were my son…” He just looked at Zane who averted his gaze, then figured he’d save his breath on the matter.

Bria ran to her brother “Are you okay?!” There seemed to actually be some genuine concern in her voice for once.

“I’m fine, but we need to do something…”

“We?...We?! You got us into this, dumbass!” She announced, cutting him off.

In every direction a member of the Wolfe family was scurrying about. It seemed like pure chaos from their standpoint. Several torches were heading up the winding road which led to the cliff top. Obviously they were town guards that were dispatched to see what’s going on up there.

The two teens watched in horror as the beast continued to grow, its back nearly as tall as a house now. The leg that he initially touched and his father hit with an axe was still the largest one; in fact it was nearly twice the size of one of the other three and slightly longer. Not only had he failed to maintain control of it, but the transformation itself wasn’t any good. He finally stopped staring in disbelief at this total disaster when Bria grabbed his arm.

“Come on, stupid, let them handle it, let’s get out of here!”

“No! I don’t know what I can do, but I’m not running away!” He growled at her.

She hadn’t seen him act like that before, but this was something he cared about deeply. Neither one of them could pull off a mutation or even enhance an aspect till now, but he had always put a lot more effort into it than she did. To finally do it only for it to be a calamity was certainly something her brother would take too personally.

“Fine, do what you want, who cares!” She barked back then removed herself from the scene; though she couldn’t help but stay nearby to watch.

The cat’s tail whipped into the side of a home; it was just a random movement, but enough to smash the wall in. Of course, houses in Wolfegate were renowned for their sturdiness, especially those of the Wolfe family, for obvious reasons. Controlling great beasts doesn’t always go as planned. The fact that this cat had the strength to damage the house with just its tail was troublesome indeed.

Right when it seemed like no one was organized, Zane saw two men standing on the other side of the creature with their backs to the town below. Both had two dogs on either side of them, protecting the town was the number one priority. Both men simultaneously reached down and touched them, then stepped back. Within moments all four were three times their normal size and still growing. The mutation was fast and flawless, unlike Zane’s pathetic attempt.

Muscles bulged on the dogs; their fangs became more like daggers, giant nails that dug into the ground. These creatures were magnificent. Once their transformation was complete, each looked nearly identical, despite having different trainers. Zane figured the two men must have been the twins Jimi and Jama, they were always so skilled.

Right when the overgrown kitten was about to start batting at the ants running around its feet, two of the dogs latched on to its backside with their teeth. The beast hollered in pain then swung around to fight whatever it was that caused it. Its hind legs dug in to stop the quick spin; both dogs were flung off like they were nothing. This cat was far larger than most people had even seen before, and even as fearsome and skilled as these hounds were, they were obviously no match for this monstrosity.

Instead of scaring it off and chasing it into the surrounding forest, the beast was now facing the town and growling at its attackers in anger, ready to charge. The twins didn’t expect this; the plan was for everyone else to distract it while they got in position and the attack was supposed to just scare it off after confusing it. It was still just a cat, it didn’t have any training, nor could it have much more intelligence with the mutation. For some reason it felt the need to defend itself instead of run off.

The twins stood their ground, with two canines ready to fight and the other two picking themselves up, there was no way this thing would get past. It might have been big, but it was still mortal. The others were finally in place, and some had even started transforming their beasts as well. Zane looked around and realized that the chaos was actually order; everyone knew what to do from the start; and without even consulting had arranged in a perfect formation to combat this threat. Some were on rooftops and the rest on the ground.

It still wasn’t enough though, the cat had locked on to its target and wasn’t about to be distracted. Jimi and Jama jumped out of the way as the monster charged forward into the two dogs. It was now on the attack, defense was no longer in play. Both hounds bit deeply into its arms, trying to hold it back, but they didn’t have a chance. The animal overshot, not realizing its strength or even understanding what was happening to it. All three creatures plunged off the edge, diving down towards the guards who were only halfway up the slope.

Everyone’s fear had been realized, it was heading straight for the town now; the only hope was that the mutation would reverse itself sooner rather than later...
 
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Shinobi Train

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DAMN SON THAT WAS AWESOME. @.@ I can imagine the manga concept art just from your descriptions xd

MOTTO MOTTO MOTTO! :))
Thats what description will do for ya'. :cool: xd Thanks man! Glad you liked it!

That was awesome man ;) :D
Thanks!

Actually guys, there some stuff I didn't like about it though and needs to be corrected I think. Like maybe adding a large fence or something on the edge of the cliff that gets smashed. I'd think they'd have some protection against people simply falling off. Also the time frame for when the village below takes notice as well as when the guards start heading up to see what the fuss is.

So yeah, I'd appreciate any suggestions or pointing out anything wrong technically or grammatically. :)
 

Netsui

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I loved it! :D It was just so awesome, and like others stated above I can imagine this as a manga. ^^ +rep for the chapter. ;) Let me know when Chapter 2 is out. :D
 

Shinobi Train

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I loved it! :D It was just so awesome, and like others stated above I can imagine this as a manga. ^^ +rep for the chapter. ;) Let me know when Chapter 2 is out. :D
Thanks! ^^ Yeah, I'm thinking about just writing a book, it's more my stylewhen telling a story anyway...plus I couldn't draw if my life depended on it xd, and if I was working with someone who could they'd strangle me for being to darn perfectionistic. :D

Yep, I'll be sure to send the next chapter, and be sure to do the same. ;)
 

Seffy

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Well you told me to rip your story apart with criticism so I will try my best. :scorps: This post is strictly for S. Train as he asked for it. Also Sam this is just things I would do with my own works.

Ok I think with the first sentence you should put more description as in after the line ends add in some description of who is speaking and also their tone. Is she fuming, is she hungry, just to give us a better idea of why she is so upset. Maybe even add some stomach growling to give us a better image.

Zane ignored it, it was typical and he had learned to block it out years ago. I don't like this sentence, I personally think it could be written better. "Zane tuned out his sister's nagging; after having years of practice in dealing with similar situations." (something like this I suppose.)

“This is stupid; just give it up already…” The word "it" really isn't needed here, nor is it incorrect. It's a matter of preference but I think it sounds better without "it". Also say something like.... Bria whined as she reached to grab that same arm to pull him back into the house.

Before the girl could finish flapping her arrogant lips... Technically she was reaching out to grab a hold of him, which can be done was she is speaking. So in this case you would say "Before the girl could grab a hold of his arm"

Suddenly there was an explosion of power, the cat’s paw doubled in size, then its shoulder right above his hand followed suit. I would use the word surge, but again preference. However: "the cat's paw doubled in size, followed by its right shoulder." his hand? o_O Zane's hand? Not needed either way.

A heartbeat later the entire leg was three times what it should normally be. The rest of its body began to transform as well, but not as rapidly. "Within the time it took for a heart to beat, the cat's leg tripled in size. Even with the sudden spouts of growth, the rest of it's body wasn't transforming as rapidly."

The creature looked at Zane then let out a miniature growl which turned into a violent roar as it continued to grow larger. "The creature glared harshly at Zane as it let out a growl; which grew with it's body. The cat's howl quickly turned into a roar that rattled the ground beneath them."

Its fur seemed to be absorbed in its skin... Just say the cat shed it's fur as his muscles and such bulged. When you say absorbed it just doesn't sound right. lol

Zane had stumbled backward in shock... get rid of had since stumbled shows past tense had isn't needed.

Bria stood in awe after retreating slightly herself; she never imagined her stupid brother would pull off such a transformation. As his older sister, it was her duty to always be first at everything. (edited the last part)

What was once a small kitten had now become a fearsome beast Its claws dug into the log it was griping as it easily snapped it into pieces; causing the remains to splinter off in to a shower.

The two siblings received several cuts, but that was no concern. This monster was out of control. The monster raged on as it swiped at Bria, then snapped at her brother. In the process of the beast's rampage, the two siblings had received several cuts from being so close.

“I don’t know what’s wrong!” Zane panicked as his gaze remained on monstrosity he created.

“Well do something, don’t just stand there looking stupid!” Bria hollered as she flailed her arms, fighting the urge to punch him for his stupidity.

“Shut up, will you?!” He replied, their rivalry never ceasing even in a crisis. (Obviously replied is such a bad word to use here. In a crisis such as this use bellowed or any other synonym.)

Zane’s red hair flew back as the beast let out an ear-splitting roar shriek. (switch up from roar)

He managed to touch it one more time in an attempt to control the situation. Placing his trembling hand on its snout he tried forcing his will into the monster. Obviously it wasn’t working, it felt his fear and resisted. Just then their parents came running out of the house with all this commotion. Re-word this:

In an attempt to control the situation, Zane placed a trembling hand on the cat's snout; trying to force his will into the creature. The animal sensed his fear and easily resisted as the boy's parents rushed out of the house.

Thinking fast to save his children, the man reached down in mid stride to rip an axe from its stump. (The first part is present tense so you have to reword it to maintain the past tense.)

Sam thought fast as he reached down in mid stride to rip an axe from its stump. (Obviously he's going to act quickly to save his children.)

(Continuing in a new post.)
 
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Seffy

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Continued:

....overgrown cat. Even though this monster was now twice the size of a man and still growing, Such a sharp amount of pain was enough to startle it, sending the giant paw at Zane; claws tearing (spelling error in your story. If you are going past tense then say the claws tore across his body) across his body. (Did the claws rip through his flesh? If so show Zane's blood seeping between his fingers as he applied pressure to his abdomen.)

She looked over to see their mother being motioned to stay back. (This sentence confuses me. Who is motioning to the mom to force her to stay back?)

“He’s fine! Let’s worry more about this thing, we can’t let it-" Dashes show immediate cut off as "..." Show's a gradual cut off/pause.

The whole town was awake now, not to mention the neighboring family. (If the whole town is awake then that means everyone so the last part of the sentence isn't needed. However you could say something like...) this:

The whole town was awake now as lights were now illuminating the streets and people peeking out of their windows to observe what was occurring.

The Wolfe family had lived in this place for hundreds of years, and had occasionally caused disturbances before, but this was by far the most dangerous in recent history.

Two great rivers which spilled into waterfalls framed the Eastern end of the valley, cutting the village into three parts which were spanned by bridges before dumping into the ocean on the Western side.

Bells began ringing as an alarm; the warriors of Wolfe were rushing to and fro;noise had filled the night air completely . (Could be re-worded differently to maintain past tense better.) The sound of bells ringing filled the air, serving as an alarm for the warriors of the Wolfe clan; who were scurrying about.

...was no excuse to not help clean up his own mess. Isn't that a double negative? lol

At first it seemed like everyone was dashing about wildly. Zane finally managed to distance himself from the creature, but accidently backed into someone as a shoulder slammed against his. What? :confused: I don't see a connection between the two sentences and it's confusing. It makes the first sentence appear unnecessary and random. This could be fixed if you state that the frantic dashing is why Zane was moving out of the way.

“I’m fine, but we need to do something…” He responded as his thoughts began to calculate a plan. (Show why he drifts off in his sentence.)

“We?...We?! You got us into this, dumbass!” She announced, cutting him off. (If you choose to do what my previous statement suggest then you could change the she...part to she scolded. If not then change the .... to a - as I explained somewhere in one of the two posts that it shows immediate cut off.)

In every direction a member of the Wolfe family was scurrying about. It seemed like pure chaos from their standpoint. You stated in I think 4 or 5 paragraphs above that everyone was dashing around wildly. In this matter you refrain from saying things along those lines, as you are only repeating yourself. You could change it up to something like this:

The two gawked at the chaotic sight in front of them, unable to comprehend how one small act turned into something so extreme.

“Come on, stupid, let them handle it, let’s get out of here!” (Bria should be shown some kind of emotions in her words with the chaotic scene unfolding.)
(Editing post as I read)
 
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Seffy

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Ok I won't lie I got lazy and skimmed the rest. All this editing was taking too much time! Almost two hours to be exact and I need to make dinner. lol Though I will say this, you need to work on your description yes it's decent but not for the goals you are shooting for. This story could be SOOOO much better. Were you holding back again?

The story it self is a nice change as it's never been done before. So it's nice to see the originality! Though it's imperative to stick to one tense and avoid repetition at all costs! Re-word your sentences to make them fit better and avoid throwing in random sentences. Make your words flow so they don't confuse the reader and always proof read what you post!

You wanted me to rip your ff to shreds and I did as you asked. I was seeing so many simple mistakes though and I'm disappointed to see that you made them! :eek: Anyways, it was a good read and it was fun tearing it apart. I hope this is what you wanted and of course I'm open for conversation about what I wrote. Shoot me a pm or vm which ever, but I'm going to make dinner now. :scorps:
 

Shinobi Train

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Ok I won't lie I got lazy and skimmed the rest. All this editing was taking too much time! Almost two hours to be exact and I need to make dinner. lol Though I will say this, you need to work on your description yes it's decent but not for the goals you are shooting for. This story could be SOOOO much better. Were you holding back again?

The story it self is a nice change as it's never been done before. So it's nice to see the originality! Though it's imperative to stick to one tense and avoid repetition at all costs! Re-word your sentences to make them fit better and avoid throwing in random sentences. Make your words flow so they don't confuse the reader and always proof read what you post!

You wanted me to rip your ff to shreds and I did as you asked. I was seeing so many simple mistakes though and I'm disappointed to see that you made them! :eek: Anyways, it was a good read and it was fun tearing it apart. I hope this is what you wanted and of course I'm open for conversation about what I wrote. Shoot me a pm or vm which ever, but I'm going to make dinner now. :scorps:
Darn it, it won't let me rep you, Fi! U_U It says I have to spread more rep around before I can again. Oh well, +rep when possible. :D

Right, my descriptions...yes, well, I don't even have the layout designed at all of the Wolfe residential area; I know more about the town actually, but not much of that either. I'm also still figuring out clothes, but I do know that the people in the Wolfe family have defining things that stand out, namely their hair.

I guess I should work out more details so that have things to describe. I shouldn't worry about how long that takes either since once it's done I don't have to do it again. I'm building a world, so I should do it right and stop trying to write since I'm just so excited. ^_^ :lmao:
 

Seffy

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Darn it, it won't let me rep you, Fi! U_U It says I have to spread more rep around before I can again. Oh well, +rep when possible. :D

Right, my descriptions...yes, well, I don't even have the layout designed at all of the Wolfe residential area; I know more about the town actually, but not much of that either. I'm also still figuring out clothes, but I do know that the people in the Wolfe family have defining things that stand out, namely their hair.

I guess I should work out more details so that have things to describe. I shouldn't worry about how long that takes either since once it's done I don't have to do it again. I'm building a world, so I should do it right and stop trying to write since I'm just so excited. ^_^ :lmao:
lol It's ok. :p Ah I guess some people have trouble with things such as that. I know when I started my ff, I had everything covered. I don't really think when I write, I just write. :shrug: It's worked out for me so maybe that will work for you.
 

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It was awesome! Hey maybe Masashi will make this a reality!
Nope, this is my novel...he can't have it. xd Seriously though, this is reality, I'm writing this book. ;)

I do also have to thank you, Maxhawk; you re-sparked my interest in writing a book again actually. ;)

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lol It's ok. :p Ah I guess some people have trouble with things such as that. I know when I started my ff, I had everything covered. I don't really think when I write, I just write. :shrug: It's worked out for me so maybe that will work for you.
Everybody has their own style; I personally don't have the ability to flow like you do, Fi. I take my time; trust me, it becomes an absolute disaster if I don't go slow. One moment people are using swords in a medieval time setting...the next they have modern guns and can suddenly fly planes... :facepalm:
 
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