The Shinobi's Redemption Fan Fic

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milesmccray

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/What another Fan fic (i think is going to turn out better)/ Link-
Naruto Fan Fiction
By: Max, Miles, and Casper
X-Reading an object X-Someone talking to me X-Me talking to someone X My thoughts



Background
I'm 12 years old, and I am 5 foot 3 inches. My name is Kai Uzumaki. At the age of 6 me and my brother Takashi Uzumaki lost our parents to a man named Gokishi. Since then we have craved for revenge on for parents. We studied at the academy school to hone are skills. When I was 9 a terrible drought came to our village. Soon there was no food or water for anyone so we were forced to fight each other. One day we went too far and killed our classmates. The village turned on us. We left, but not with ought a prize to make us stronger. We went back to the boys we killed and stole their sharingan. My bother transferred my right eye with the sharingan and I did the same to him. We decided together are destination is Hidden Leaf Village.
Before I left I went to our parent's hidden shrine. There was a stone tablet with a
box underneath. The inscription on the tablet said
"Son, when you're ready take this sword. Use it for justice".
I had read it many times before, but today I thought I was ready to open the box.
I opened it and pulled out a black sword with a note attached to it which read
"This is a preserved fresh sword. You will be able to add any of your own techniques you wish".
I studied the sword. It had a leather hilt and bronze top. The actual sword was something I have never seen before. I packed it up in cloth and left the shrine.


Chapter 1- Banished
*Hidden Cloud Village*
I walk through the cloud village gate. I feel the eyes staring at me. I hear a yell from the distance.
“I hope you rot Kai, you and your bother.”
I slowly approach the exit. I turn around with anger in my eyes. My sharingan
changes from 1 tomoe to the 2 tomoe. People gasp and start yelling.
''No one wants you! Get out of here!"
I turn back. I start to run and keep running. I realize it starts to become
nightfall. I take out my rations and have a meal. I start to drift off.
“*Nightmare* I slash my kunai at him. He jumps back bleeding from his left arm. I
throw my double shuriken. He blocks the first but was unaware of the second.. He's
stunned and falls to the floor. I finish the job with my kunai. I then grab his face and move my hands to his eye. I open his eye and the sharingan falls into my hand I then put it into a bottle and run away from the scene."

*Somewhere a bit outside of hidden cloud village.*
I wake up at dawn. Thinking I was back in the village and that incident was just a nightmare. I stand up yawning. I open my eye to see the branches of trees. A sudden realization came to me. I'm a wanted criminal now. I pull out my map. I am suppose to meet my brother at the kage's summit. I have about a day's worth of travel left. I pack up only to hear a chuckle from up in the trees. I throw my kunai at the direction of the sound. I look up to see a boy about 2 years older than me holding my kunai.
"So you're a wanted criminal.”
Upon closer look I realize it's a boy from my own village.
I relax a little but still very cautious
“What do you want with me?”
“I want the reward that’s on your head”
I then understand im going to be forced in a fight no matter what. I grab for my shurikens. I realize I couldn’t find my bag.
“Looking for these?”
He holds up my bag of weapons.
He must have grabbed them when I was sleeping.
"My sword"
I still have it attached to my back. I pull it out. The black of the sword glistens from the sun. Time then seems to slow down to a stop. My mind starts have thoughts on what I need to do
*A while later (Couple seconds in real life)*
I pull out my sword and point it at him.
“What’s that going to do to me? I’m the number 1 student in my class.”
I start to focus my chakra into the sword.
My sword starts to grow then zooms towards him at high speeds. It impales him right through the chest.
“Damit…”
Blood spatters across the trees. My sword then slowly retracts to the normal size.
I then re wrap it and start walking towards the kage’s summit. I am still amazed of what I was able to accomplish. I meet up with my brother at the summit. We tell each other our adventures on the way up here.
We rest up knowing we have a big couple days coming up.
 
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SAGE OF ALL ELEMENTS

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Not bad for a first attempt , but you need to learn how to do some plot expansion . Two events just gone in just a page.

Also , try to do some formatting on your work :)

Anyway , + rep since you put the effort for you to write this :D
 

Reborn

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tbh it seems a little rushed and you're not making the story flow all too well IMO.

I don't sense any emotion from the character, this is his perspective, based on the events you've described him to have gone through I would expect a wider vocabulary of descriptive words and more imagery because I'm not feeling the character too well. The characters make the story.

Overall structure of the Fanfiction in terms of how you present it on the thread needs a little work to give it some more aesthetics to give it that appeal to the eye as well.

Overall my main points to you would be to:

1) work on the formation and presentation of your chapters.
2) using a wider vocabulary to give more imagery and display emotion through your characters.
3) Move the story along steadily, don't try to rush it too much and get right to the point. Build up suspense in the chapters, demonstrate more in depth background for the sake of character development, and proof read (at first read I found a few mistakes, although since I'm tired I may be seeing more then there are but even so)

As for the storyline, I have no comment on the actual story as of yet due not good enough an impression being presented to give me a firm grasp on what the story is about. I have the background and what you told me, but I don't know anything about the state of mind of this protagonist of yours.
 

Reborn

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Oh, well then you still have plenty of time to learn before it gets too difficult. Another thing that might help. If you have word processor, when you're trying to describe something use the thesaurus to try and find better words.

Think about how you want your characters to feel and then type in those words and try to find synonyms. You don't have to go too fancy but it helps sometimes.

Oh and it may have been an accident but you can delete two of these posts I got the picture you're 12 xd
 

RasenKirin

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Let's not use age as an excuse because I had dictionaries and used Google + Microsoft Word for my fanfics when I was 12.

It does seem quite rushed though. Maybe you're doing what I used to do as well. When you have an idea you try to rush it in before your forget it?

If so, you should probably use Notepad, Wordpad, or Microsoft to place your ideas and then later organize them and merge them together so that everything flows and makes sense. Would also help with your plotting.
 
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