~The path of Zane~ Chapter 2!

Reji

Member
Joined
Dec 6, 2011
Messages
205
Kin
0💸
Kumi
0💴
Trait Points
0⚔️
Chapter 2: Saved by water!

The girl turned her head letting her short black hair flow with the gentle breeze and glisten under the moonlight. She glanced at Zane, “You can ask questions later.” She said in a gentle tone.

She pulled out her two light blue, long silver tipped Bokken swords that were strapped in two black scabbards (The swords case) behind her back. She lowered her head and whispered, “Be gone Benju.”

“Owl!” The entire pack of gray hungry wolves roared.

“Wow, they seem to hate you more than they want to eat me.” Zane said. The girl smiled and jumped off the sturdy brown tree branch, somersaulting under the moons glistening light, and landed in the middle of the pack.

“It’s time to send you back!” She yelled. She gripped her swords even tighter. The pack step by step, inch by inch they grew hungrier fantasying about how they would tear deep into her soft, tan flesh. Suddenly a smaller young gray wolf behind the girl leaped straight for her.

“Behind you!” Zane yelled. Suddenly the muscular, shaggy pack leader still focused on Zane leaped from the tree branch it was on and headed straight for him.

Zane turned around, facing the top wolf, “Haven’t I told you already? I’m not in the mood to play chew toy!” Zane yelled. He jumped back and kicked the muscular, shaggy gray wolf in the face sending it plummeting to the forest floor.

The strange girl turned around just in time to react to the small, gray wolf. She swung her right light blue, silver tipped Bokken sword, slicing through the wolf’s abdominal. The tiny gray wolf exploded into soft neon purple dust and floated high into the air. It seemed so easy like cutting a piece of butter. “Wow, what are these things?” Zane asked.

She continued fighting the pack of Benju wolves not paying a word that he said any attention to. Zane jumped off the brown, sturdy tree branch, somersaulted, and landed beside the girl. Her short black hair and tan skin still sparkling under the moonlight. “You know you didn’t tell me your name.” He said.

The pack took a step closer completely in sync. The girl turned around completely and smiled at Zane. “I’m Alyssa, a student from Crow Academy; we can talk more after I take care of our little problem.” She replied referring to the hungry Benju that so wanted to taste their blood.

Alyssa held both of her light blue, silver tipped blades in the air and as she did tiny blue droplets of water formed in the air. “Now, flood Orosaki.” She whispered to her sword.

Suddenly She swung both of her, long light blue, silver tipped blades. The collected water droplets followed her duel swords making a crescent shape. “Wow, she’s controlling water with her swords.” Zane said in awe.

“Now Benju, go back! Orosaki Chowshen!” She yelled. The crescent shaped water droplets turned razor sharp and sliced through all of the gray, hungry, demon wolves in half. The pack burst into a neon powder and drifted away in the blissful breeze, floating under the full moons bright and beautiful light.

“Thank you, Orosaki.” She whispered to her duel blades. She slid her two blue, silver tipped, long swords into the two black scabbards strapped behind her.

“Wow Alyssa that was amazing.” Zane said. Alyssa turned around and smiled at Zane.

“I saw your little display with the Benju wolves.” She said. The two walked deeper into the quiet dark forest and began to talk.

“So, you’re able to control fire?” She asked. Zane stopped and rubbed his wrist where the Benju wolf had bitten him there was no scaring what so ever, no proof that he had even been bitten.

“Well… I wouldn’t say ‘Control’ but yeah.” He said. Zane looked up and saw happiness deep in Alyssa’s ocean blue eyes. Was she happy that he couldn’t control his fire? Or was it that she wanted him to come with her?

“You should come to Crow Academy; they can teach you to control your power, and other stuff.” She suggested.

Zane thought about it, he wanted to control his fire power, he wanted one of those sweet swords, but of all things he wanted to get as far away from Maximus as possible. “Sure thing, tell me some more about this Crow Academy.” He said.

Alyssa’s ocean blue eyes lit up with joy knowing that she just made a new friend. They continued walking through the inactive forest under the full moons beautiful, bright light. “Okay so in Crow Academy there are three classes; the first ‘Hiashi’ is for beginner students, the second ‘Orotagi’ the second level for advanced students, and the last ‘Arutaki’ for super strong students. Then you graduate and they send you on a team to protect a certain area.” Alyssa explained.

“What class are you in?” Zane asked.

“I’m in Orotagi classes,” She replied. “Come on we’re almost there.” Alyssa grabbed Zane by his wrist and the two sprinted towards a giant old factory that looked like it needed to be rebuilt.

“Are you sure this is Crow Academy, it looks like a plain old abandon factory?” Zane asked in suspicion.

“Don’t worry this is just the entrance.” She answered. The two walked into the abandon factory, its pasty brick walls, it was pitch dark, and piles of broken rusty machines were everywhere. Alyssa walked behind a black door and opened it and it released a humongous amount of blinding white light. She walked through the door but Zane just stood there, he swallowed hard took another step. His breaths were heavy; his heart felt like it was lodged in his throat, blood pumped fast in his veins and adrenalin lots and lots of adrenalin.

He took another step and peered out of the door to his amazement he was high. Higher than he had ever been before and below him was a campus the size of two colleges combined this would defiantly shut up Preston, so many buildings Zane could hardly believe his eyes. Zane ran down the hill, and suddenly tripped. He crashed into the cement beside Alyssa and sat up rubbing his arm. “Ouch, are you okay? That looked like a nasty fall?” She asked.

Alyssa reached her hand out towards Zane and smiled. “Thanks but I got it,” He stood up and dusted off his pants, it seemed as if the crash didn’t affect him, because it didn’t Zane was use to being thrown into cement because when he did something wrong it was Maximus’s favorite punishment, “It seems like everyone is asleep I should wait until tomorrow.”

“Where are you going to sleep?” She asked in concern. Zane smiled and scratched his spiky midnight black hair.

“Don’t worry about me, you should get to your room before you get in trouble, and oh Alyssa I’m glad you came to saved me.” Zane said. He offered Alyssa a smile to show her that everything was going to be okay and she walked into a giant blue building.

“Sleep well, Zane tomorrow you’re going to need all the strength you can use.” She said. Zane smiled and looked at the peaceful glowing white moon.

“So long Maximus, I never want to see your face ever again.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
Last edited:

Reborn

Active member
Legendary
Joined
Aug 15, 2010
Messages
14,107
Kin
732💸
Kumi
3,689💴
Trait Points
0⚔️
It seems you've already met sensei ^^

Another great chapter. Again, well written, excellent grammar and description. You are much better then I am in articulating and detailing characteristics and moments within the story then I am.

There was a fair amount of repitition though. The main things I noticed were your description of Alyssa's two blades, her hair and her eyes. If I've learned anything from my dear sensei (and I've learned several things), it's that repitition is a big thing to avoid unless it's vitally crucial to the story. In the case that it is, describe it, detail it/word it differently so that the reader will get a deeper sense of understanding of the piece you're trying to convey. Other then the few pieces of repitition, I found nothing wrong with it....my skills in analyzing aren't as good as my sensei's but she is a fair person and you should take her word over mine.

I personally enjoy this storyline that you're developing. It's unique and very enjoyable to read. The chapters are the perfect length for me even if I do read hellishly slow (I apologize for that ahead of time). I've followed very few Fanfictions all the way through here on the base. I'll read a chapter or two from people, not that many have ever really drawn me, however this one has. Note, because of my reading impairment I'm a reluctant reader. I don't like to read so much and I'm trying to change that. However if I read something without having to be asked, it means I'm truely fascinated by it in some way, shape or form.

In conclusion this chapter was far better then your last one IMO. That thing I said about drawing the reader in, you've done that with me for this chapter. You have strong skills in articulating yourself in your writing, I can vividly picture the characteristics of Zane and Alyssa. I enjoyed everything in this chapter, keep it up.

9/10 +rep
 

Seffy

Member
Joined
Aug 13, 2011
Messages
9,367
Kin
0💸
Kumi
0💴
Trait Points
0⚔️
It seems you've already met sensei ^^

Another great chapter. Again, well written, excellent grammar and description. You are much better then I am in articulating and detailing characteristics and moments within the story then I am.

There was a fair amount of repitition though. The main things I noticed were your description of Alyssa's two blades, her hair and her eyes. If I've learned anything from my dear sensei (and I've learned several things), it's that repitition is a big thing to avoid unless it's vitally crucial to the story. In the case that it is, describe it, detail it/word it differently so that the reader will get a deeper sense of understanding of the piece you're trying to convey. Other then the few pieces of repitition, I found nothing wrong with it....my skills in analyzing aren't as good as my sensei's but she is a fair person and you should take her word over mine.

I personally enjoy this storyline that you're developing. It's unique and very enjoyable to read. The chapters are the perfect length for me even if I do read hellishly slow (I apologize for that ahead of time). I've followed very few Fanfictions all the way through here on the base. I'll read a chapter or two from people, not that many have ever really drawn me, however this one has. Note, because of my reading impairment I'm a reluctant reader. I don't like to read so much and I'm trying to change that. However if I read something without having to be asked, it means I'm truely fascinated by it in some way, shape or form.

In conclusion this chapter was far better then your last one IMO. That thing I said about drawing the reader in, you've done that with me for this chapter. You have strong skills in articulating yourself in your writing, I can vividly picture the characteristics of Zane and Alyssa. I enjoyed everything in this chapter, keep it up.

9/10 +rep
aw ty love! :hug:

I agree with what Reborn says. I'm so proud that he listens to me!
Don't be afraid to play around with your sentences to steer away from repetition. Good story none the less. ^_^ good job.
 
Top