~The Path of Zane~ Chapter 1!

Reji

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This is my own original Anime that I hope to turn into a book. :)
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Chapter 1: Running Away


Zane could barely catch his breath, as red crimson blood dripped from his mouth. Zane laid in the middle of the fighting arena struggling to even stand. Three feet away was the man that caused Zane his pain, Maximus. Maximus rubbed his hand through his smooth blond hair "Get up Zane you're not done yet." Maximus said in a growling tone.

Zane picked himself up, but he knew that he had no more energy to spare. "Maximus please, can we take a break?" Zane begged.

Maximus sighed and gave Zane an angered look. "Do you think your enemy would do that if you asked? Try again!" Maximus demanded. Zane could see it in Maximus's dark sky blue eyes that he wasn't playing. Frustration showed in Zane's piercing ink black eyes.

"I can't go on anymore Maximus, I'm out of energy!" He yelled. Maximus frowned and five seconds later he disappeared. Zane turned his head searching for where Maximus would reappear. Suddenly Maximus grabbed Zane by the throat and held him up in the air. Zane made a strange choking nose that sounded like he was coughing and gasping at the same time, he tried to remove Maximus's rough creamy white fingers but it didn't work.

"Now you listen to me you sorry excuse for a fireball, you will do as I say understand, or there will be consequences!" Maximus yelled. Zane nodded his head frantically, scared out of his mind, adrenalin pumping through his veins. Zane's spiky hair, as black as midnight, with a bang covering his forehead flowed through the breeze. Maximus smiled and let go, dropping Zane on the pure cement fighting arena floor.

Zane held his neck gasping for air. "You're worthless, a child with a gift and can't even learn to control it! Nothing but a horse and I am the king!" Maximus yelled. Maximus kicked Zane as hard as he could. He was sent flying across the arena and smashed into a wall of red bricks.

"Ahhhh!!" Zane yelled in pain. Zane fell on to the ground leaving a human imprint on the wall. His vision began to blur, everything was turning black, and as his breathings slowed so did his heart rate. Zane closed his eyes unconscious. Two hours later Zane regained consciousness.

"That jerk!" Zane yelled in anger. He picked himself up, dusting off his long sleeved red shirt and black pants.

"I would learn to control my power if he would stop trying to kill me all the time, whatever it doesn't matter anymore because I’m outta here." Zane said. Zane ran out of the training field and into the forest. It was quite the beautiful brown trees with pick petals falling to the ground. Zane looked up at the dark sky full of bright stars and the giant moon. He closed his eyes and felt the breeze brush up against his bronze brown skin.

Snap! Zane heard a twig break; he turned behind him and saw that a pack of gray, hungry wolves were behind him. The first wolf with shaggy gray fur walked up slowly and stealth-fully with caution. "Grrr!" The shaggy gray wolf growled.

Zane turned around and smiled. "Catch me if you can pups." He taunted.

After he said that Zane sprinted through the forest with the pack of gray hungry wolves behind him. Zane jumped high into the air and landed on a tree limb and turned to face the wolves. "What's wrong the wolves can't climb trees, ha, ha!" Zane taunted.

Suddenly one of the wolves jumped off another wolf's back and landed on a long brown tree limb. Zane stared at the wolf in shock, these where no ordinary wolves, last time Zane checked they couldn't jump on top of trees. "Uh oh, I've gotten myself into some serious trouble." Zane said to himself.

"Grrr!" The shaggy gray wolf on the tree limb growled. Zane now scared jumped off the tree limb, somersaulted and sprinted off as soon as he landed on the soft ground. The pack of wolves chased the boy, hungry and excited to be on their hunt. Zane ran through bushed faster than he has ever ran before but the pack was gaining closer, inch by inch, paw by paw they got closer.

"Leave me alone!" Zane yelled. Adrenalin filled his veins, scared to lose his life but at the same time he was thrilled he never had this much excitement before it was both terrifying and fun for Zane. His heart felt lodged in his throat beating harder and faster each minute that he ran from the wolves. Suddenly Zane tripped over a tree root and fell face first to the ground, it was softer than the cement that he was always beaten into my Maximus but it still left a little sting.

The pack circled Zane baring their fangs, drooling thinking about how good his flesh would taste. "I said leave me alone!" Zane yelled. Anger formed in his eyes, anger from being chased, anger from being thrown into brick walls because of his power the power he didn't ask for, a power that he was born with. It all angered him, Maximus didn't care about Zane he just wanted Zane's power.

Suddenly one of the wolves leaped at Zane and Zane quickly responded by getting on to his feet and jumping back. "I said back off!" He yelled.

Zane held out his hand he felt the warmth of heat, he looked and hot red-orange flames had formed covering his right hand. Zane smiled and squeezed his right hand making the red-orange flames grow. The pack of gray wolfs took a few steps back but still didn't leave they weren't going to give up their meal just because a few flames. Suddenly another wolf sprinted straight for Zane and he held out his right hand covered in fire and formed the fire into a ball then threw it at the gray wolf looking hungrier than it did before .

"Take this you stupid wolves!" Zane yelled. The sprinting wolf ducked under the hot fireball and leaped onto Zane, biting down on his left arm.

"Ouch!" Zane yelled in paid. Zane struggled shaking his body trying to remove the gray wolf. It didn't work the wolf bit down harder on Zane's arm, crimson red blood flowed into the wolf’s mouth it was tasty better than he had ever tasted before.

"Get off of me!" Zane yelled. Hot red-orange flames covered Zane's left and right arm and he kicked the gray wolf high into the air. Zane bounced back up and leaned on a tree he had to lose the pack or he'd be done for.

"Grrr!" A wolf on his right growled.

"Sorry I wish I could play more but I really should get going." Zane said. He smiled and leaped high into the air and landed on a sturdy tree branch. Suddenly the big, muscled gray wolf that Zane kicked landed on a tree limb right beside him and bared its fangs.

"Like I said, I wish I could play more but really I have to get going." Zane said. The pack surrounded the tree there was no place to run, and if he tried to jump tree to tree they would only follow. Suddenly out of the blue a girl with short black hair, eyes as blue as the ocean itself, creamy tan skin, a black short sleeved shirt, short black pants, black shoes, and two dark blue Bokken swords stood right beside him.

"Wow who are you?" Zane asked.

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Reborn

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I thought it was pretty good actually.

You're pretty good at describing the characters, I have a clear picture in my head of what Zan, Maximus and this mysterious girl looks like. You're very detailed in your writing and you have a good grasp on the language and you have a good sense of imagery. Looking at your join date here on the base and the number of posts you have, is it safe for me to assume that this is your first fanfiction? If not anywhere else but here on the base at least.

I could see some room for improvement (perfection is overrated xd). I have very few areas of complaint with the chapter, of which they're too small to really concern yourself about. It's fairly sound but I don't really feel into the chapter. Yes it was a good read, well written, seems to have a rich story line, although I just didn't feel real into the story and maybe it's just mee. It may have to do with your choice of wording for certian things but I feel you need to put more of yourself into the story. By that I mean really pour some flavor into it that makes you want to say "I can't wait to release this to see how people think." With my chapters, I feel really strongly about them and I want to know how other people feel about them as well.

I'll try to stay on track with your chapters as you release them. Vm me links to them when they come out, I look forward to reading them.

7/10 +rep
 

Reji

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I thought it was pretty good actually.

You're pretty good at describing the characters, I have a clear picture in my head of what Zan, Maximus and this mysterious girl looks like. You're very detailed in your writing and you have a good grasp on the language and you have a good sense of imagery. Looking at your join date here on the base and the number of posts you have, is it safe for me to assume that this is your first fanfiction? If not anywhere else but here on the base at least.

I could see some room for improvement (perfection is overrated xd). I have very few areas of complaint with the chapter, of which they're too small to really concern yourself about. It's fairly sound but I don't really feel into the chapter. Yes it was a good read, well written, seems to have a rich story line, although I just didn't feel real into the story and maybe it's just mee. It may have to do with your choice of wording for certian things but I feel you need to put more of yourself into the story. By that I mean really pour some flavor into it that makes you want to say "I can't wait to release this to see how people think." With my chapters, I feel really strongly about them and I want to know how other people feel about them as well.

I'll try to stay on track with your chapters as you release them. Vm me links to them when they come out, I look forward to reading them.

7/10 +rep
Wow thanks alot! :D
 

Reborn

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Wow thanks alot! :D
Not a problem ^^

I was trying really hard to find problems with it so I could give some better advice. I have a mentality that everything can get infinitely better. Being a fellow writer here on the base I want to help other writers. Speaking of helping....

>>> <<<

This will be great for you while you're here on the base.
 

Reji

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Not a problem ^^

I was trying really hard to find problems with it so I could give some better advice. I have a mentality that everything can get infinitely better. Being a fellow writer here on the base I want to help other writers. Speaking of helping....

>>> <<<

This will be great for you while you're here on the base.
Thanks alot:D
 

Seffy

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First let me say, you're little Sasuke sig is so kawii! <3

Now back on topic, I like the amount of detail you have in your works, as it reminded me some what of my own. However I would use more word variety. Saying Zane all the time was starting to bore me. Switch it up by saying he, him, ect. When you reconstruct sentences it allows more variety of words to become available so you don't have to always say the same thing over and over again. For the most part it was good and I agree with what Reborn said. Put yourself into your words, suck me into the story and make me feel the blood that was trickling down Zane's mouth. I'm sure you get the picture :p If you ever need help, let me know and I'd gladly offer my assistance :)
 

Disquiet

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I love this, as the others have said, you are good at detail. The action is awesome, I can imagine it all. I love the font you chose to use, it's brilliant xd

Oh yeah, the names of the characters are epic O_O
 
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