the new leaf

[-Haku Yuki-]

chapter 3 the first real mission: ( sorry but my last chapter 3 stunk so heres a differnt version of it.) three weeks after the graduation exam...

naruto: team 7 your mission is to capture a missning nin.

narutojr: a b rank mission these kids are only genin.

naruto: yes but i beleave they can do it his name kamiko he's wanted for stealing forbidden jutsu and scrools and selling them to other countrys he's a master at all every nature type ninjutsu.

sasuke: yes sir.

kakashi: so you'll need a ninja dog.

naruto: thats why i called you here kakashi.

kakashi: take pakkun.

naruto: he got big.

pakkun: why did you summon me kakashi i was enjoying my nap.

narutojr; i thought dogs cant live past 15 its been 32 years you should be dead.

pakkun: this is a ficnal story clam down dont bring real live into a ficanal comic ok.

naruto: here something with his snect on it we've sent jonin but we still havent got word back drom them.

narutojr: ok.

later...

narutojr: every one stop.

sasuke: what is this.

narutojr: these jonin what happened to them.

the jonin bodies lay on the ground blood covers the ground and a cold gust of wind blows.

kamiko; so they sent some snot noesed brats did they.

kamiko: fire style fire dargon jutsu.

narutojr: what he turns around to see a fire dragon comeing at them.

narutojr: move.

they spit up but the fire dragon spits into four and attacks each one of them.

narutojr: no.

naruto jr takes out four kunai andb thorws three to his team mates.

sora: i see good plan.

they thorw the kunai over the fire dragons and the jutsu hits but they turn into kunai.

kamiko: subsation jutsu.

the kunai come behind kamiko and transform into sora sasuke aki and narutojr.

kamiko: transformation jutsu.( so they used sub jutsu with the kunai had the sub thorw them over here and then attack me from behind.

kamiko: windstyle wind dragon. the jutsu hits sora aki and sasuke but narutojr disappears and reappears in front of him.

kamiko: thats the 4th hokages jutsu.

narutojr attacks with the rasengan kamiko dodges it and attempts to punch narutojr narutojr grabs his arm and starts to twist it trying to break it, but its turns out to be a clone kamiko appears behind narutojr.

narutojr: wind style hurricane.

a hurricane englufs kamiko and objects fly up hitting kamiko and the sping starts to get faster the hurricane expoldes and kamiko hits a tree hard.

kamiko: fire style fire bomb.

kamiko releases a ball of fire and it lands by narutojr it explodes and takes out a huge amout of tree and the flames are huge still englufing the forest around them narutojr appears behind him.

narutojr: rasengan.

kamiko goes threw five trees spinning from the jutsu he lands and coughs blood.

kamiko: earth style earth quke.

the ground rumbles and spits under naruto jr and spikes of rock appears between the walls narutojr falls in the hole and the walls close shut and a crack sound goes off real loud.

kamiko: now just the ki...

narutojr appears behind kamiko with a kunai in his hand he stabs kamiko in the back.

kamiko: darn it the flying thunder god jutsu.

narutojr: ready to give up.

kamiko: no its turns into a log.

kamiko: water style water prision jutsu.

naruto jr is trapped in the water prison
narutojr: what.

kamiko: and dont think of transporting or the kids die water clone jutsu.

narutojr: run.

sasuke: ( should i run is this guy really that tough)

sora appears in front of kamiko and kicks him kamiko blocks it with his arms

sora: why didnt the clone disappear.

kamiko: water clones only disapper if a very power ful jutsu stikes.

sora thorws kunai at the non clone but he dodges the kunai.

sasuke: rasengan.

sasuke hits the water clone it disappears but another one is made.

sasuke: sora take this kunai.

sasuke and sora both thorw a kunai at the non clone he cacths the first one

but it has an explosive tag on it boom it blows up the second one turns into sasuke and he hits the non clone with rasengan.

kamiko goes flying and hits a wall.

sora: earth style earth proson jutsu. the rock turns into a cage and surronds kamiko

kamiko; water style water dragon jutsu the rock disappears and the jutsu is about to hit sasuke naruto jr grabs sasuke and gets him to saftey.

aki thows needles at kamikos neck and he becomes unable to move.

narutojr: good job team we cought him( this was an s rank mission yet these kids these genin not only captured him while i was trapped but the even won
a battle againt an s rank missing nin altough i weaked him in the beging still)

naruto: good job.

pakkun: can i go now kakshi.

kakashi: yes.

next time the chuunin exams

 

[zirx2]

pretty good!!!

 

[-Haku Yuki-]

thank you

 

[Zombie]

Decent story I guess.

Now, time for constructive criticism (if you take offense to constructive criticism, skip this section). Did you proof read it at all? At certain points, it became almost illegible to me, forcing me to reread parts of it over. If your browser doesn't have a spell check, I'd suggest

You must be registered for see links

as it can spell check entire documents.

Also, it can be really confusion when writing in a play format. Might I suggest changing the format a little bit? I'm not saying don't use a play format, but keep the actions of the characters in a standard paragraph separated from all dialogue.

Of course, if you're going all out and using paragraph format to separate activity from dialogue, you might as well go all out and and use a novel style format.

Anyway, just my two cents, and hopefully you aren't offended by it. For future reference, if you like, (if you) after you fully spell check the document, I will always be willing to proof read it for you and help you with all the grammar that a spell check cannot fix. Just PM me if you need it.

Resources: Another year and I'll be an English teacher with a degree.

 

[-Haku Yuki-]

Decent story I guess.

Now, time for constructive criticism (if you take offense to constructive criticism, skip this section). Did you proof read it at all? At certain points, it became almost illegible to me, forcing me to reread parts of it over. If your browser doesn't have a spell check, I'd suggest

You must be registered for see links

as it can spell check entire documents.

Also, it can be really confusion when writing in a play format. Might I suggest changing the format a little bit? I'm not saying don't use a play format, but keep the actions of the characters in a standard paragraph separated from all dialogue.

Of course, if you're going all out and using paragraph format to separate activity from dialogue, you might as well go all out and and use a novel style format.

Anyway, just my two cents, and hopefully you aren't offended by it. For future reference, if you like, (if you) after you fully spell check the document, I will always be willing to proof read it for you and help you with all the grammar that a spell check cannot fix. Just PM me if you need it.

Resources: Another year and I'll be an English teacher with a degree.

ok i'll do that

 

[DarkPhoenix]

Pretty nice.
comments of mine would be pretty much the same as with Zombie.
though i do sense that you are trying to create a deja vu experience for the next generation.
the use of the jutsu and the style of defeating the enemy is similar to what happens in the first mission of team 7.
am i correct with my understanding?

 

[-Haku Yuki-]

Pretty nice.
comments of mine would be pretty much the same as with Zombie.
though i do sense that you are trying to create a deja vu experience for the next generation.
the use of the jutsu and the style of defeating the enemy is similar to what happens in the first mission of team 7.
am i correct with my understanding?

yeah but its a differnt mission and zabuza dies this guy gets caought and the only deje vu part i wanted to put was the water prison jutsu
the part on how the let naruto jr escape is a bit diffent and how they beat him is differnt

 

[Shabshab]

nice good advice from zombie...