The Milits Chapter 5

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Skylar Knight

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The Milits

.........................................................................................................................
-I recommend you read the previous chapters before this one!-

Useful note in story:
You must be registered for see images

( These are the rankings in The Military Force. )

Chapter 5 – Fire

Skylar crashes into the wall and falls down to the ground. The Lieutenant walks towards him with his fist clenched.

Lieutenant John: I'll show you what happens to people who break my rules in MY town!

Skylar slowly stands up. He is hurt in his left arm, and bleeds from his head.

Skylar: (…My arm) Shit… His hand is huge… and that punch was really strong…

Homeless girl: S-stop it! I’m sure he didn’t know about the law!!

The lieutenant starts running, and tries to punch Skylar again. Skylar dodges the punch by jumping in the air, but his leg is suddenly grabbed by the lieutenant.

Skylar: What the..!?

The Lieutenant slams Skylar in the ground.

Lieutenant John: I might just be a low-class Lieutenant in The Military Force, but you are underestimating me boy.

Skylar stands up again, and jumps back to make some distance.

Lieutenant John: Milits are disgusting creatures who don’t deserve to live. Being friendly with one is breaking the law in this town… You and the other outsider are now sentenced to death…

Skylar smiles, and spits out some blood.

Skylar: Heh, why should I care about laws? I’m a cowboy … and I’m sure Luke can take care of himself, even though I haven’t seen him in action… and I hate to break it to you, but…

A small amount of electricity sparks around Skylar.

Skylar: …I’m a Milits myself…

-The scene switches to the hotel-

Luke: Hey, Lady! Another beer!

The hotel owner comes in with another mug. She doesn't seem to like the idea that Luke treats it like a bar.

Hotel owner: Y-yes!

Luke: Damn Skylar, leaving me alone here for that homeless girl…

The hotel owner looks up in surprise.

Hotel owner: Are you talking about Alice?

Luke: Is that her name? Well, Skylar went to talk to her because he was worried, or something like that…

The hotel owner backs away a little with a worried expression.

Hotel owner: Y-you shouldn’t be friendly with her! It’s against the law…

Luke: Against the law? How can that be against the law?

The hotel owner is quiet for a moment, and doesn't talk before she gives Luke his drink.

Hotel owner: She is... a milits...

Luke: W-what? ..... That's why she was treated so badly...

She sits down, and looks down at the ground.

Hotel owner: I haven't introduced myself... My name is Sarah, and I used to be her friend… that was before they found out she was a milits…

-Flashback (9 years ago)-

Alice: Moooommy!

The little 8 year old girl screams for her mom while running through the streets. It’s in the middle of the day, and the little girl has lost sight of her parents. She is about to cry when she suddenly hears a calm and familiar voice.

Mother: Sweety, I’m here!

The girl turns around, and sees a woman with golden blonde hair and blue eyes a few meters away buying some food. The red-haired girl happily runs towards her.

Mother: Always be behind me when I walk, okay? I don’t want to lose you. Let’s go find your father now.

Alice nods, and holds her mother’s hand while walking around in the streets.
Another familiar voice is heard from behind.

Sarah: Alice! I finally found you... Want to play at the hotel again?

Alice: Sarah! At the hotel? Okay, that sounds like f-

Suddenly the little girl feels something weird about her hand, and looks at it immediately.

Alice: Mommy, Sarah, look..! My hand is on fire...!

-End of the Chapter-


Thanks if you read, voted or replied :)
 
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Shinobi Train

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Okay, there was some stuff I liked, especially the whole idea about breaking the law unknowingly. I think there's too much cursing though, honestly it sounds like you're just trying to put it in whether it fits or not. xd Generally people only use language in certain situations, most don't have it as part of their vocabulary. ^_^

For some reason this particular part is kinda' bothering me. xd

"Luke: Hey! Hotel woman! Another beer!"

For starters, I think it should be a tavern or saloon, hotels aren't usually known for heavy drinking, or at least they aren't considered like that. ^_^ Also, if Luke (Zorro?) is serious, then I think he'd talk like it too.

"Luke: Hey, wench! Another beer!"

If he's more of a gentleman.

"Luke: Hey, lady! Another beer!"

No need to keep referring to her as the owner, and while she's serving drinks that means she's the barkeep anyway. xd

I'm just giving you tips, which seem to be rather few and far between on here. Honestly, why do people even comment to just say "good job". That's basically spam, it doesn't help at all. :rolleyes:
 

Tsuki

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@S.Train: now you made me feel bad... I guess I should do something useful aswell >.< hm... I can't find anything to add :shy:
A great chapter as always and I wanted to say that you are doing very good in switching the scenes ;) really makes me imagine it as an anime xd
 

Shinobi Train

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@S.Train: now you made me feel bad... I guess I should do something useful aswell >.< hm... I can't find anything to add :shy:
A great chapter as always and I wanted to say that you are doing very good in switching the scenes ;) really makes me imagine it as an anime xd
:hug: I'm sorry, I guess I just feel that way because I see everyone just saying "good job", when they could have taken that time to say something useful and help out. On the other hand, if the writer really want's great feedback, then s/he needs to go ask for it. He happened to run across someone who's going to give constructive crits whether asked to or not. xd
 

Kawaii Muffin

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:hug: I'm sorry, I guess I just feel that way because I see everyone just saying "good job", when they could have taken that time to say something useful and help out. On the other hand, if the writer really want's great feedback, then s/he needs to go ask for it. He happened to run across someone who's going to give constructive crits whether asked to or not. xd
Heeeey... no fair! Im one of the ones that say ''Good job!'' Lols. To be honest Id rather them say that then nothing at all. My first FF has 207 views and yet only 31 comments?? Omg LOL

But yeah keep up the great work Skylar, try to be a bit more descriptive! ^_^
 

0neCrazyAngel

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i think its a cool chapter as always. keep it up sky:ice: and im glad that we are seeing a glimpse of alice's history. cant wait to learn more about her :y :ice:
 
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