The Midnight Play: Chapter II

Hikari Uchiha Senju

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The circle of doom

In the mean time, Chibitsuna as in her own dream world. The music and the booze did their job, she was drunk and ready for some 'hard action'. "But who to pick... Theese guys are starting to be a bit boring" she was thinking to herself.

"So guys, you were just stopping by to say hi, or what?" said Chibitsuna while gazing deeply in their eyes.

" Yes, of course..sorry if we bothered you a lot "

" No problemos " she said with a soure smile.

After she looked arownd the room and haven't found anyone interesting she tought about Koi and was courious to see why is she in the lady's room for so long. She drunk her drink fast and went to chek it out, but when she came in, she saw Koi unconscious in confused Bella's arms and Tatsuo at the middle of the room lowdly crying. The only thing she could think was "Wth?".
As she was standing there, shocked, Bella quickly came to her slaming the door and grabing her throat.

" Well, well, look what we have here...a little spy. So, Chibitsuna, what's your bribe this time, you rat? "

" I just wanted to see what's with Koi...Don't you see I have no interest in you? Let me go! " said Chibitsuna while looking into Bellas dark eyes.

"Really? You think I'm that stupid? " Bella replied with a dose of sarcasam.

The purple haird girl seemed to be a bit confused " I swear, I'm not telling anyone! " .

Bella just smrked and let her go. As she was walking away she saw Tatsuo holding Koi, who was slowly opening her beautiful grey eyes. Rage took over her head, but she was also glad that Koi was alright.
" So, does anyone mind explaining to me what the hell were you doing with her? " growled Chibitsuna who seemed like she has worked 10 night shifts.

" Hmph,well - " started Bella, but she was interupted by Tatsuo

" I don't really care if she knows.. Koi's gonna tell her anyway... See, I have a gift to see ghosts - " Chibitsuna started to laugh at that statement saying there's no such thing as a medium.

" You don't have to belive it if you don't want to, but they are going to confirme it because this time, a ghost decided to show herself to all of us. "

" So, this is all happening? " suddenly said Koi with tearfull eyes " Gemma... If she was only alive!.. It was my falt, I - " she was stopped by Tatsuo who hugged her and verry silently whispered

"Don't worry about the past"

" But, then, why is the past following me? "

" C'mmon don't be a baby now "

*Flashback*

" Hurry up Koi, we're going to be late! " said the voice.
Young, 14-year-old Koi with long hair, left her make up and turned arownd making her blue wisps wave perfectly like in a TV comercial.

" Oh, pls, it's not like we have to meet him exactly as we agreed. Besides, hes a man, he needs to wait. "

" But, I can't... " said the silver hair girl throwing her face on a pilow.

" Alright, I'm done. Lets go.....Bye mom!!! "

As the girls were walking Gemma strted to get nervious.

" Ok, I have something to admit to you. "

"Ok...come on than"

"This is, like, officially going to be my first date ever " she said as she blushed

" What, you mean you've never been with anyone? Wb Daisuke, the guy from your grandmothers village? "

" I made him up... Oh, and srsly stop looking me like that with those eyes, there already huge so you don't need to make them even bigger...hihihi"

" Ha, look who's talking, the pink-eyed owl. Lol "

Suddenly, a black and yellow motorcycle came to them.

" Well, hello ladies " said Tatsuo, who had hair like duck's ass ( if I may say xd ).

" Hi " said both girls in the same time, after just seconds Tatsuo smiled and pulled Gemma closer kissing her lips softly.

"Oh, God why did she have to bring me.. This is disguisting." Koi toughed. Then, as the orange haired boy parcked his motor, they all went to the local caffe.

Time was passing by and Koi was getting more and more bored so she decided to go home " Hey, do you want me to go with you? " said Gemma

" Well, no, I wouldn't like for Tatsuo to be left alone. "

"Ha, it's ok, I can wait. And btw, if you want, you can take my motor" he said while tosing Koi the keys.

" Thanks! But, I don't think - "

" Oh, c'mmon don't be such a baby! Go!" said Tatsuo winking

" Geez, alright than. Thanks. "

So, the girls went outside and started the machine.
"Slow down Koi! It's not like we're speed racing, you know! " yelled Gemma at her, but she didn't hear... She was feeling wonderful, like an angel flying with his friends in the heavens. But, the desteny of one of this angels, was already whritten. " Aaaaaagh " was all Koi heared as they were getting closer to a car. After that came a huge hit and blankness....

*End of flashback*

....​

"Oh, pls, get a room! " said Bella and her voice was filled with anger.

" Can't you see she has a mental brakedown?" said Tatsuo

" I do not! You would feel the same way I do if you were on that motorcycle with her! "

Not even a second after that she found Chibitsuna on the floor trying to catch her breath.

" No, miss ' I-can-make-you-do-whatever-I-want ' You're not sneeking out! "

" Suck me, Bella!! Oh, wait, you already have! "

Tatsuo quickly seperated the girls and calmed the down...

"Ok, so I'm not the only one with strange gifts... And what did she mean by 'sucking'?"

"Energy, you pervert! So, Koi, it only leaves you to confess or, at least to bow not to tell anything..."

" Well I know this might sound creepy, but -"

" Nothing is more creepier than sucking ppl's energy" said Chibitsuna instantly expecting Bella to flame, but surprisengly she just smrked.

" Well, anyway I think I have some sort of visions and -" she was interupted again, but this time it was a noise comming from the direction of the window......
 
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~Uzumaki~

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Alright, I didn't finish, the text is too closely packed and kinda disorganised, it's not supposed to be;

“Hi. How are you?”“Fine. You?”“I'm good.”

It looks better like;

“Hi. How are you?”

“Fine. You?”

“I'm good.”



Take new paragraphs for what a person is saying and doing. Like for example, the first paragraph should have been something like;

Chibitsuna found her vision blurred and her mind became hazy as a result of the booze. She had drifted into her own world and was now ready for some 'hard action.' However she was starved for choices as the guys were becoming dull and boring. “So, you guys were just stopping by to say hi or what?”

“Yes, of course. Sorry for bothering you so much.”

“No problemos.”

See? I took spaces for each statement. Better understandable, no?

Also, spelling. Check your spelling before you post. We all fail in this area at some point even the best of us.

Just some tips.

Good story btw. I read up to the seeing ghosts part xd
 
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Hikari Uchiha Senju

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Alright, I didn't finish, the text is too closely packed and kinda disorganised, it's not supposed to be;

“Hi. How are you?”“Fine. You?”“I'm good.”

It looks better like;

“Hi. How are you?”

“Fine. You?”

“I'm good.”



Take new paragraphs for what a person is saying and doing. Like for example, the first paragraph should have been something like;

Chibitsuna found her vision blurred and her mind became hazy as a result of the booze. She had drifted into her own world and was now ready for some 'hard action.' However she was starved for choices as the guys were becoming dull and boring. “So, you guys were just stopping by to say hi or what?”

“Yes, of course. Sorry for bothering you so much.”

“No problemos.”

See? I took spaces for each statement. Better understandable, no?

Also, spelling. Check your spelling before you post. We all fail in this area at some point even the best of us.

Just some tips.

Good story btw. I read up to the seeing ghosts part xd
Thanks for the advice,bro :D And, btw, english is not my birth language, so idk much 'fancy' words :S

Thanks =DD
 
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