Such Misfortune!!!

sG Taka

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Chapter One: Such Misfortune!
Wanted to try this. First Fanfic. 45 mins.
Top of my head. English is not my first language.
Please comment and give advice! Will appreciate!



“It's past midnight, it's getting late.”

That, accompanied by the fact that my apartment was a couple of kilometers away, were the only two thoughts going through my mind as I walked home from a normal day at school, or so I thought.

It was a cold night at the city, and I was the only person on the sidewalk of a one way street filled with light posts that seemed to go along with it forever. Everything else was unusually dark. I say unusually because..well, this is a city, and this city never sleeps. Building corporations never rested and on top of that, the streets were usually filled up with metro signs, stores, and houses that lit them up and made one feel somewhat safe.

But not this one, this street was completely solitary and had a dark feel to it that made me uneasy.

*Sighs* “How did I even end up here?”

is what I wondered as I closed my eyes and continued walking. Suddenly, as I was getting lost within my thoughts, I hear someone grunting, and after a couple of seconds I heard a clap followed by a scream.

“HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGG!”

This was not a normal scream, It didn't sound human.

Shortly after, the wind started to blow faster than usual. Slowly it started to pick up to the point where I had to stop wondering to myself what was happening to start looking for something to hold onto because if not I'd risk the chances of getting blown away. Yes, it was that bad. It started to hurt. I looked down to my arms and I saw how the wind began to cut me.

“Damnit! Argh! What the-”

Unfortunately, after I held onto a nearby light post, I was too focused on my well-being to realize the worst had yet to come. My words were cut off because the ground started to shake. It shook so hard that I fell to the floor without having the slightest chance of standing back up. I was completely disoriented, I didn't know what was going, All I knew was that I was in a pretty bad situation. I thought to myself:

“I have to do something.” “I have to do something before this gets out of hand.”

Like it wasn't already. What I meant was that I needed to do something before I'd get hurt anymore than I was already. Before I could think any longer, the ground under me started to break in half, and parts of the houses and the wall that were to my right began to fall. I had to move, but I couldn't! The earthquake was so strong it sent vibrations throughout my body that inhibited me from any type of movement.

The ground below me started to fissure even more, and the wall to my right was collapsing with each second that passed. I was doomed, I thought that that right there was it. However, in the midst of my acceptance of my inevitable death, it all stopped.

It just stopped.

A deadly silence took over the atmosphere. The only thing that could be heard were the remaining little pieces falling off from the houses or walls that were nearby. However, this didn't last for long. Right after the apparent natural disaster had stopped, another event made the night even worse.

An explosion.

I heard a short burst of wind behind me followed by a loud discharge. After I look back to see where the explosion was coming from, I notice a big ball of smoke in the distance in the middle of the street.

“What the..” *sighs* “What the hell is happening!?”

These were the only words that came out of my mouth and the only thoughts that came into my mind. I was so focused on finding out the meaning of this that I had forgotten to stand up. I look down on my body to check if I'm OK as I stand up. Once I finished, before I could look back to the explosion, a hand firmly grabbed me by the neck and began to choke me as it lifted me up in the air.

I was scared.

I slowly lifted my eyes to see who was trying to kill me and there they were. Six big men. No, they weren't men, they were thugs. They were tattooed, had worn out clothes and above all, had a menacing look in their eyes. The man that was choking me had red, spiky hair, a wooden baseball bat on his left hand and was grinning his teeth as he pressed harder on my throat with his right hand.

Thug: “Where is she!?”

Al I could do was struggle to catch a bit of breath, obviously I couldn't answer. I couldn't even breathe!

Thug #2: “Boss, you won't get an answer from if you keep choking him.”

He stopped choking me. But only to use that hand to punch the guy who talked straight in the face. This guy was crazy, his voice sounded like one of a frantic maniac.

Thug: “Grrrr, who gave you permission to talk!?” “ How dare you tell me how to handle my things!?”

Thug #2: “Sorry boss..”

Thug: “Now, back to you, where is she!?” “ I won't ask again, if you keep quite I'll kill you RIGHT NOW!”

I was still gasping for air. I unconsciously ignored every word this man uttered. I was so concentrated on trying to figure out why were there thugs trying to kill me and what I could do to escape, that I didn't have any idea of what these men were talking about. In fact, right there at that moment I had no idea of anything that was going on. All I could think of was that if I didn't say something back my death was certain.

Thug: “So, are you going to let us beat you up 'til you puke your insides!?” “ ARE YOU GOING TO ANSWER ME?”

(Still gasping for air) “I don't know what you'-”

My words were interrupted by an incoming punch. I don't know how I managed to, but I luckily dodged it, and without given it another thought, I ran.

And now here I am, desperately running away from six thugs that want to kill me all because I didn't know where this mysterious girl was.

“Damnit! Argh!” “What is happening!?” “ Why me!?” “ Such misfortune!”

was all I could say as I stumbled, trying to run faster so the thugs behind me wouldn't catch up. I didn't care that I, Kuroko Masikabe, made it out of a dangerous chain of events one right after the other alive. Rather, I was trying to figure out why was I being chased and who was this “girl” I was supposed to know. I knew I wasn't going to be able to run that much farther because I had one serious cut in my stomach from a nasty wind slash that I was covering with my left hand. I gasped for air as I tried to find somewhere I could go so I could lose my tail.

Sweat. Yes, the sweat pouring down my forehead made its way to my eyes, making it hard to see where I could go. An alley, that was my next choice.

~To Be Continued~
 
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Reborn

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There were a few errors inside the story, like your use of quotation marks. When you use quotations to have someone speak make sure you "start and end" each phrase with the quotations. There were a few cases when I saw you "start and end" one phrase but then there would be the lone quotation make at the end of another"

Your sentence structure could use a little work, I was a little confused in some areas. Granted it's 12am here so don't quote me on this partxd

For English not being your first language, you did better then I expected. It's a shame when some people use your language better then you can. I see that with a lot of Americans and I'm always like smh...wait I shouldn't be criticizing anybody else's language skills :/ nvm lol.
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As for your plot I found it very interesting and very well put together. I was confused about some things and questioned some stuff but they were the good kinds of questions that would make me want to read more. I love how you have the protagonist going through all these things: mysterious winds, earthquakes then all of a sudden they stop, then out of nowhere you have some thugs hassling him about some girl lol. This was like the biggest wtf moment of his life wasn't it. I can't say I would be any different, although I do run track so maybe I could out run some thugs...although that cut would be a problem...I do martial arts too, that helps :D

Overall, I have no real complaints, I just like to add a hint of criticism because I follow a philosophy when writting: since there is no such thing as perfection you can always do better. Constructive criticism is a good thing to recieve. You have an interesting idea, which I'm curious to see unfold and if you can get me interested in reading, well that in itself shows tallentxd Good job

+rep
 

sG Taka

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There were a few errors inside the story, like your use of quotation marks. When you use quotations to have someone speak make sure you "start and end" each phrase with the quotations. There were a few cases when I saw you "start and end" one phrase but then there would be the lone quotation make at the end of another"

Your sentence structure could use a little work, I was a little confused in some areas. Granted it's 12am here so don't quote me on this partxd

For English not being your first language, you did better then I expected. It's a shame when some people use your language better then you can. I see that with a lot of Americans and I'm always like smh...wait I shouldn't be criticizing anybody else's language skills :/ nvm lol.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As for your plot I found it very interesting and very well put together. I was confused about some things and questioned some stuff but they were the good kinds of questions that would make me want to read more. I love how you have the protagonist going through all these things: mysterious winds, earthquakes then all of a sudden they stop, then out of nowhere you have some thugs hassling him about some girl lol. This was like the biggest wtf moment of his life wasn't it. I can't say I would be any different, although I do run track so maybe I could out run some thugs...although that cut would be a problem...I do martial arts too, that helps :D

Overall, I have no real complaints, I just like to add a hint of criticism because I follow a philosophy when writting: since there is no such thing as perfection you can always do better. Constructive criticism is a good thing to recieve. You have an interesting idea, which I'm curious to see unfold and if you can get me interested in reading, well that in itself shows tallentxd Good job

+rep
Thanks a lot! Really means something that a writer like you actually liked my story and got you somewhat interested! :D

I agree with the sentence structure, I'll take my time next time and hopefully it will turn out better! Thanks again!
 

Reborn

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Thanks a lot! Really means something that a writer like you actually liked my story and got you somewhat interested! :D

I agree with the sentence structure, I'll take my time next time and hopefully it will turn out better! Thanks again!
I don't get it when people say "a writter like me" lol. This could be modesty or hidden arrogance speaking (I hope it's not arrogance) but I'm not all that convinced I'm a good writter.

I've had requests lately from a few people (some I know and some random) who say they want the opinion of somebody like me lol. I feel like a critic (I bet I spelled that wrong :|) idk, maybe people are just trying to get me to read their stuff by saying that lol jk

OT: I'm happy to read...wait did I just say I'm happy to read? smh xd

I'm happy to give my opinions to anybody who asks for it, glad I was helpful to you, link me your chapters when you release them.
 

~Yubel~

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Splendid story! In one chapter, you brought up so many questions!
That inhuman scream, the wind and earthquake, how it all stopped, the explosion, the smoke and the thuggs who wanted to kill him for some girl.

I enjoyed reading it and i didn´t have much problems with your language either!
What will truly decide whether you´re good or not though is how you´re gonna explain all these occurences, you should also go more detail into your characters because you only introduced your main character at the end which i think you should do more work at developing your characters especially the main character.

Overall, i would give this chapter 3/5, you will get better and i know you can do much better.:D
 

sG Taka

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Splendid story! In one chapter, you brought up so many questions!
That inhuman scream, the wind and earthquake, how it all stopped, the explosion, the smoke and the thuggs who wanted to kill him for some girl.

I enjoyed reading it and i didn´t have much problems with your language either!
What will truly decide whether you´re good or not though is how you´re gonna explain all these occurences, you should also go more detail into your characters because you only introduced your main character at the end which i think you should do more work at developing your characters especially the main character.

Overall, i would give this chapter 3/5, you will get better and i know you can do much better.:D
Thanks man! You really made my day! I will don't worry, I'll tell you when I make my new chapter.
 
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