Seeing V

[Train]

OK, I'm writing my entire review here. It's kind of rushed, it doesn't have all my reactions...I don't even know if this review will even matter since you wrote this so long (well, a month) ago. >______<
Hope you don't mind the long post, but I'd rather not annoy the other budding authors by reviving many separate threads and burying their stuff. At least, I know I get annoyed when ancient threads in this section are brought back from the dead. ( -.- )

Actually, rereading this post, it sounds horrible. Too bad. I'm not editing anymore. T___T

First off, I'd like to say that I wish you wrote more in this style o.o You're not bad with it; you're writing is clear and understandable. A clear difference I saw between yours and my writing is that I like to be way too descriptive. It would be cool though, if you could add minor physical descriptions here and there, of the characters and setting...that's my opinion/ more of my style anyway.

Prologue - Nice. It's cool that you started with the character's death first, and that he failed somewhere. When you slipped in how young he was, that was enough to make me feel sad. >.>'

Ch. 1
I loved this chapter. I felt its one of the best in this sieres. I guess probably because the story wasn't as serious as it was going to get. But here I was able to see that you were good with first person narration. Some of the protagonist's reactions to his father made me laugh.
'Ryu' I love that name >.< ..more for its sound than meaning though. In general, this chapter was nice and warm; made me lol, I loved the father - son relationship here. The birthday beats made me laugh xd.

Ch 2
I felt there should have been a little bit more description of Ryu's reaction his first mission (to kill Sho Ito). I mean, right when his father said "Kill him". And damn, I was surprised by the kid's arrogance. >_>

Through my encounter with Sho, I learned how to feel my own inner energy, though Sho Ito taught me another thing from that one experience...he taught me what about what shouldn't reside inside a human.

This was a very good ending for the chapter. Nice.

Ch. 3
Good chapter. I first laughed when I realized the father's name was Joe. I just thought it was kind of funny that all the characters names' so far were Japanese, and then you hear 'Joe'...xd Wait, I don't think 'Mira' was Japanese either... >.<
I felt this was a really good sentence (nice metaphor!), when you were mentioning the Father's dissappearences:

Father was like a rare storm, coming and going unexpectedly and always bringing back a strong force. I couldn't explain it, but whenever my father came back something was different about him.

Again, good description of his situation (when he was mastering ryuuken):

I felt as if I was drunk with unimaginable power...

Ch. 4
Kusari gama! I've always thought that weapon was cool, more so after watching the movie Ninja Assassin...anyways, I imagined it really cool when he used it xd
Muramasa was really calm...
depressing chapter. I really wish you described more of his reactions to his mother's death, I guess his father's too, but I still think its good...His cold resolve at the end was a really good...ending.

Ch. 5
The part where Ryu was seeing Sho through his subconscious was really cool. At least, how I imagined it. xd
Yeah the chapter felt a little long, but I saw your note at the end...
I'm just as curious as he about who saved him! It feels like the ending of one sequel/part...​

 

[Reborn]

OK, I'm writing my entire review here. It's kind of rushed, it doesn't have all my reactions...I don't even know if this review will even matter since you wrote this so long (well, a month) ago. >______<
Hope you don't mind the long post, but I'd rather not annoy the other budding authors by reviving many separate threads and burying their stuff. At least, I know I get annoyed when ancient threads in this section are brought back from the dead. ( -.- )

Actually, rereading this post, it sounds horrible. Too bad. I'm not editing anymore. T___T

First off, I'd like to say that I wish you wrote more in this style o.o You're not bad with it; you're writing is clear and understandable. A clear difference I saw between yours and my writing is that I like to be way too descriptive. It would be cool though, if you could add minor physical descriptions here and there, of the characters and setting...that's my opinion/ more of my style anyway.

Prologue - Nice. It's cool that you started with the character's death first, and that he failed somewhere. When you slipped in how young he was, that was enough to make me feel sad. >.>'

Ch. 1
I loved this chapter. I felt its one of the best in this sieres. I guess probably because the story wasn't as serious as it was going to get. But here I was able to see that you were good with first person narration. Some of the protagonist's reactions to his father made me laugh.
'Ryu' I love that name >.< ..more for its sound than meaning though. In general, this chapter was nice and warm; made me lol, I loved the father - son relationship here. The birthday beats made me laugh xd.

Ch 2
I felt there should have been a little bit more description of Ryu's reaction his first mission (to kill Sho Ito). I mean, right when his father said "Kill him". And damn, I was surprised by the kid's arrogance. >_>

This was a very good ending for the chapter. Nice.

Ch. 3
Good chapter. I first laughed when I realized the father's name was Joe. I just thought it was kind of funny that all the characters names' so far were Japanese, and then you hear 'Joe'...xd Wait, I don't think 'Mira' was Japanese either... >.<
I felt this was a really good sentence (nice metaphor!), when you were mentioning the Father's dissappearences:

Again, good description of his situation (when he was mastering ryuuken):


Ch. 4
Kusari gama! I've always thought that weapon was cool, more so after watching the movie Ninja Assassin...anyways, I imagined it really cool when he used it xd
Muramasa was really calm...
depressing chapter. I really wish you described more of his reactions to his mother's death, I guess his father's too, but I still think its good...His cold resolve at the end was a really good...ending.

Ch. 5
The part where Ryu was seeing Sho through his subconscious was really cool. At least, how I imagined it. xd
Yeah the chapter felt a little long, but I saw your note at the end...
I'm just as curious as he about who saved him! It feels like the ending of one sequel/part...​

Lord I missed these reviews of yours :T_T: lol, how should I start this?

First chapter was supposed to be that sort of, light opener to try and get the series rolling so that it wouldn't throw you head on into such a serious mood, although the pologue kinda did that from the first moment. I guess you could say he was more or less at peace during the events of the pologue so you can say it went from a calm perspective to a lighter one and then....

You must be registered for see images

xd

Chapter two....yeah, more description was deff needed but here's the thing I say about the reaction, it isn't really arrogance. As this story portrays an actual Edo period background setting, where Shinobi went without hesitation with only the intent of succession of their mission in mind, that is the mind set Ryu was placed in. Shinobi don't go in thinking "I can do this" they go in thinking "I must do this" which is different. Saying "I can" would imply the arrogance while saying "I must" implys more of the seriousness or necessity of doing it. If they fail, they're shamed and usually punished by death, if they fail and survive by some chance it's a greater shame, which I emphasised with Joe's explination of him to his failure.

Well I'm following the series, Ninja Gaiden, which is where I got Ryu's name, the Hayabusa name, Genshin, the fiends, and Joe. He didn't have or mention a mother in the seires so I just made it up...it was the best name I could come up with at the time -.-

Ninja Assassin was a badass moviexd

The reason for the lack of description of his feelings was for a reason that he was supressing/ridding himself of those feelings, as I mentioned. Understand he loved them, yet he has been trained all his life to get rid of these emotions in the heat of a mission, as he fails his mission (in chapter five, you read that so it's not a spoiler) he's trying to get back on that bandwagon and complete that mission which means kill everything he once felt inside him. The importance of his parent's death, for this point in time, is to convey Ryu's accession into shinobihood (I made that word up ) and his descent from humanity.

Fun fact about me: I don't call shinobi humans, seeing as they must adhere to a creed that goes against some natural human laws, like the supression of emotion. You could also say Stoics do this but for the sake of argument shinobi aren't 100% (IMO) They train to rid themselves of a trait that is given to all humans so therefore when/if they do, the relinquish some of their humanity and fill it with something else, so their a subspecies of humanxd

I love that people ask who saved him, because I know and you don't and I like to have that type of power

you'll find out soon.

 

[Train]

Chapter two....yeah, more description was deff needed but here's the thing I say about the reaction, it isn't really arrogance. As this story portrays an actual Edo period background setting, where Shinobi went without hesitation with only the intent of succession of their mission in mind, that is the mind set Ryu was placed in. Shinobi don't go in thinking "I can do this" they go in thinking "I must do this" which is different. Saying "I can" would imply the arrogance while saying "I must" implys more of the seriousness or necessity of doing it. If they fail, they're shamed and usually punished by death, if they fail and survive by some chance it's a greater shame, which I emphasised with Joe's explination of him to his failure.

Well I'm following the series, Ninja Gaiden, which is where I got Ryu's name, the Hayabusa name, Genshin, the fiends, and Joe. He didn't have or mention a mother in the seires so I just made it up...it was the best name I could come up with at the time -.-


The reason for the lack of description of his feelings was for a reason that he was supressing/ridding himself of those feelings, as I mentioned. Understand he loved them, yet he has been trained all his life to get rid of these emotions in the heat of a mission, as he fails his mission (in chapter five, you read that so it's not a spoiler) he's trying to get back on that bandwagon and complete that mission which means kill everything he once felt inside him. The importance of his parent's death, for this point in time, is to convey Ryu's accession into shinobihood (I made that word up ) and his descent from humanity.


I love that people ask who saved him, because I know and you don't and I like to have that type of power

Sorry, for Ch2 I meant that Sho seemed arrogant...when I saw his attitude, I just went '0_0' because, like you said in the beginning, he was a quiet kid...
I felt Ryu's reaction (when I was reading) would've been more nervousness/slightly frightened, as his father was so serious, and he hadn't been told something like that before (I think)...I just wish some sorta feeling or a few running thoughts of his would have been conveyed.

Oh. I've never played the games (or read over its story); am I missing out on a lot then >.< ?
lol, there's nothing wrong with the mother's name; I'm just laughing at the sudden change in name origin.

As for the lack of description for his feelings...even if he is suppressing his emotions, or trying to rid himself of them, you can still...go into describing that. Like, say, at his parents' death, when he's transcending into his shinobihood (lol, it fits), it would be cool if you could sorta show how the extremity of his feelings, but that he tries to swallow it all down...I dunno, I just feel that, even though he's trying to suppress his emotions, I feel there's a void in the description in that. I guess the ending of Ch.4 sorta helped, but I wanted to see more of this suppression at the actual moments of their deaths...
Sigh. That might be too much describing though... I dunno >__________<
Well, my tip (not that I'm an expert) for the future would be to add more of such descriptions at moments like those; otherwise, what you have now is good.
Bold - So cruel.

 

[Reborn]

Sorry, for Ch2 I meant that Sho seemed arrogant...when I saw his attitude, I just went '0_0' because, like you said in the beginning, he was a quiet kid...
I felt Ryu's reaction (when I was reading) would've been more nervousness/slightly frightened, as his father was so serious, and he hadn't been told something like that before (I think)...I just wish some sorta feeling or a few running thoughts of his would have been conveyed.

Oh. I've never played the games (or read over its story); am I missing out on a lot then >.< ?
lol, there's nothing wrong with the mother's name; I'm just laughing at the sudden change in name origin.

As for the lack of description for his feelings...even if he is suppressing his emotions, or trying to rid himself of them, you can still...go into describing that. Like, say, at his parents' death, when he's transcending into his shinobihood (lol, it fits), it would be cool if you could sorta show how the extremity of his feelings, but that he tries to swallow it all down...I dunno, I just feel that, even though he's trying to suppress his emotions, I feel there's a void in the description in that. I guess the ending of Ch.4 sorta helped, but I wanted to see more of this suppression at the actual moments of their deaths...
Sigh. That might be too much describing though... I dunno >__________<
Well, my tip (not that I'm an expert) for the future would be to add more of such descriptions at moments like those; otherwise, what you have now is good.
Bold - So cruel.

Oh, well you can understand Sho's arrogance based on the crap he did in the later chapters right? I mean it was a leading up factor to his betrayal and everything.

Well the thing is, I can't change up the first person perspective, meaning I can only talk about how the character feels and what he chooses to feel. If you think about it this way, doesn't the prologue demonstrate his changin and realization of what he's done/become in the past? This is all life lessons for him. He's telling us how he feels/neglects to feel at a certien time. The reason I lack in some description because the more I do, the more it would seem he's trying to fight the fact that he doesn't feel for his parent's death, but he's not. It happens and then he moves on. I did say that he felt something disapear from him and that he felt different. What's happened to him was so new at the time that he didn't understand it, and if he didn't understand it then then we shouldn't because he wouldn't be able to tell us.

Although he knows what it is now, if I told you what he now understands on his death bed it would take a lot out of the series, as he figures these things out as the time progresses and that's when we go back, reveal what he truely went through and then you get the full sense of the what was going on inside him...does that make sense?

I know I need to describe more but it's hard finding the balance so I don't mix everything up or reveal too much.

Oh and you should know just by reading Bonds and what you have read already in Blood that I'm a cruel bastard :zonder: xd