Secrets of the Dark

Punk Hazard

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this is something me and netsui cooked up. hope you guys like it:D

He opened the door and stepped into the room. It was noisy, which was only natural in an insane asylum. Inside of the room, a proctor was trying to calm the room down.

Kids with issues come here and stay as long as they need to. When they get better, they leave. The asylum reminded Tyson of a college campus with no classes, or a glorified prison. Everyday, the kids would be given a chance to socialize with each other, which often led to fights. Tyson wondered for a while why they allowed a place full of insane deliquents to socialize knowing they would fight. Then he came up with two conclusions: Not everyone was insane and cutting them off from some social activity might make them worse. After being allowed to socialize for a few hours, they were given lunch then sent to some form of peer mediation where they had to discuss their "conditions". Afterwards, they were sent to their rooms for the rest of the day. Tyson hated his room because it was too plain.

"Mr. Banks! Care to explain why you are late, again?"

Tyson looked up. He had been scratching on the side of his chair with his key. His dad gave it to him before they left him at the asylum. "This is your house key. Let this be a reminder your step-mom and I love you and you're ALWAYS welcome back home," his dad had said. Tyson didn't bear any ill-will towards his dad or step-mom, he understood why he was in the asylum. He loved his stepmom as if she were his biological mother. His real mother died a few weeks after he was born after a battle with cancer. His step-mom was the only mom he knew.

"Mr. Bank, I believe I asked you a question," the proctor said.

By this time, the whole room was looking at him.

"I bet he was jerkin'!" some kid yelled out.

A couple people chuckled.

"Settle down, kids," the proctor said.

Tyson wracked his brain, looking for a better excuse than hanging out under a stairway looking for girls to chat with.

"No excuses Mr. Banks? Do you need isolation?"
"Isolation?" Tyson said, confused. Of his three weeks at the asylum, this was his first time hearing of isolation. Tyson let out a deep sigh. "I was under a stairwell asleep." The proctor sighed. "I guess since you 'fessed up and actually arrived, I'll let it slide. Now, let's talk about our progress with our issues..." That was what they called what was wrong with the kids there. Tyson didn't hate the place, but he was eager to leave.

About a half hour later, a bell rang. Over some speakers, a gruff voice said, "Everyone report to the hall!" It was the director. As everyone stood and began to file out, the proctor stopped Tyson.

"Mr. Banks, you never talk in here. You've been here for 3 weeks, if you don't do anything, it must be dreadful for you."
"I'm pretty sure it's dreadful for the REAL insane people," Tyson said sharply. He quickly left.

As he did, he overheard two kids talking. One was a fairly tall girl with blonde hair. She wore the standard female uniform of a white shirt and a blue skirt. The other was a short boy with glasses. He wore the male uniform, which was the same except with blue pants.

"I heard she got isolation for throwing food," the girl whispered.
"No way. She's been gone way too long. Somethings not right in this place," the boy whispered back.

The girl was about to say something when she noticed Tyson listening. He was leaning against the wall, acting as though he wasn't listening, but he was bad at it.

"Let's get out of here, let's talk in private," the girl said. The boy nodded and they started off. He didn't know why, but Tyson knew he needed to know what they were talking about. Perhaps the reason was the same reason he was in the asylum. Whatever it was, it sparked a mixture of emotion, of anger and intense curiosity. He waited until they were a safe distance away. He tucked his hands into his pockets and lowered his head. He started following them slowly. They went down a stairwell. Not wanting to lose them, he sped up. He walked down the stairs, but they disappeared. The last thing he remembered before collapsing was the sound of heavy footsteps behind him and thunk on the back of his head.
 
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Seffy

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"No excuses Mr. Banks? Do you need isolation?" "Isolation?" (ok tyson asks the second part but is the proctor asking the first?)

Also I would insert a space at the start of this line:
The proctor sighed. "I guess since you 'fessed up and actually arrived, I'll let it slide. Now, let's talk about our progress with our issues..." so others can easily see that the proctor is speaking again. (Since tabs can't be inserted to show new paragraphs or speech.)

Same with this line:
As everyone stood and began to file out, the proctor stopped Tyson. "Mr. Banks, you never talk in here.

And:
"I'm pretty sure it's dreadful for the REAL insane people," Tyson said sharply.

Breaks within a work such as this allows the reader to easy follow a person's actions as they can easily flow from one to another which is why writers start a new paragraph or start a new line when someone is talking so the readers don't get confused. Especially with your last paragraph you don't want to clutter it up too much.

All in all you both did a good job. ^_^
 

Punk Hazard

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"No excuses Mr. Banks? Do you need isolation?" "Isolation?" (ok tyson asks the second part but is the proctor asking the first?)

Also I would insert a space at the start of this line:
The proctor sighed. "I guess since you 'fessed up and actually arrived, I'll let it slide. Now, let's talk about our progress with our issues..." so others can easily see that the proctor is speaking again. (Since tabs can't be inserted to show new paragraphs or speech.)

Same with this line:
As everyone stood and began to file out, the proctor stopped Tyson. "Mr. Banks, you never talk in here.

And:
"I'm pretty sure it's dreadful for the REAL insane people," Tyson said sharply.

Breaks within a work such as this allows the reader to easy follow a person's actions as they can easily flow from one to another which is why writers start a new paragraph or start a new line when someone is talking so the readers don't get confused. Especially with your last paragraph you don't want to clutter it up too much.

All in all you both did a good job. ^_^
to the first question, yes its the proctor

thanks for the advice and feedback
 

Supermacaquecool

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Umm I think I gonna tell ya an advice, if ya don't mind: Try to write an intro. I felt like Tyson came to scene out of nowhere.
The rest was good, the paragraphs were well organized and reading them didn't cost anything at all. The plot rhythm is good, fast enough to not ger boring and get deep with some details.
I'm looking forward for the next ep/part.
 

Punk Hazard

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Umm I think I gonna tell ya an advice, if ya don't mind: Try to write an intro. I felt like Tyson came to scene out of nowhere.
The rest was good, the paragraphs were well organized and reading them didn't cost anything at all. The plot rhythm is good, fast enough to not ger boring and get deep with some details.
I'm looking forward for the next ep/part.
sorry bout that :ghehe:
 

Seffy

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to the first question, yes its the proctor

thanks for the advice and feedback
I thought so but I just wanted to point that out to you, since the readers only truly know how much you tell them. xd (sorry for being nit picky)

Also this and one other line (will have to go back and find it then edit the post):

Tyson hated his room because it was too plain.

^I felt was unnecessary as it just kind of seems random to me, unless you were to work it into the last sentence so they connect. I don't mean connect as one, I mean show a connection so that they can flow together. Maybe give us an idea of what the room looks like other than plain. Were there any bars on the window so the delinquents wouldn't try to jump out and commit suicide? Was there a nurse's station near by where they could easily get to a patient if they were injured or fighting. Was there a door that was always locked so that way nobody could escape, making those trapped inside feel caged? (Stuff like that)

For the story taking place in an asylum I really wasn't picking up on much of the psychological problems that patients are thrown in for. Maybe show a background character mumbling to them self as they circle the room. Show us crazy! xd lol
 

Punk Hazard

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I thought so but I just wanted to point that out to you, since the readers only truly know how much you tell them. xd (sorry for being nit picky)

Also this and one other line (will have to go back and find it then edit the post):

Tyson hated his room because it was too plain.

^I felt was unnecessary as it just kind of seems random to me, unless you were to work it into the last sentence so they connect. I don't mean connect as one, I mean show a connection so that they can flow together. Maybe give us an idea of what the room looks like other than plain. Were there any bars on the window so the delinquents wouldn't try to jump out and commit suicide? Was there a nurse's station near by where they could easily get to a patient if they were injured or fighting. Was there a door that was always locked so that way nobody could escape, making those trapped inside feel caged? (Stuff like that)

For the story taking place in an asylum I really wasn't picking up on much of the psychological problems that patients are thrown in for. Maybe show a background character mumbling to them self as they circle the room. Show us crazy! xd lol
lol i was planning on revealing stuff in the next chapter i do.
 
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