Rikudou Sennin Chapter 1: The Beginning

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Before all ninjas in this time.....there was a creator a young boy who became a god....this is the story of rikudou sennin
All legends have there story this is one of them

*during an attack on a family home a baby was left outside
a man in a white robe stumbles to find a village but on his way after the death of his mom and dad became a new chapter...the man raised the young boy in religious monk manner

Rikudou sennin: Father i-i-im....so hungry ill....just l-l.... ~slowly falls asleep on the hard floor~

Monk master shingan: hmmm....rikudou...wake up....
Rikudou Sennin:.....im so sorry father....~wakes up~

Monk master shingan: its ok my son you are a growing boy who needs more food and training...~hands rikudou a apple~

Rikudou sennin: ~eats the apple slowly leaving a huge dense~.....so father shall we resume my training?

Monk master shingan: yes now....then...remeber you need good pasture got it? No distraction just silence keep your breathing controlled dont be too fast my son

Rikudou sennin: yes i understand father ~eyes closes and breaths slowly as in breathing in life and with a smile~

Monk master shingan: well done keep at it my son youll grown into a real monk someday and maybe surrpass me

Rikudou sennin: thank you father but ill never surrpass you-........uh......father.....i....feel...~passes out again from lack of energy from not resting~

Monk master shingan: ~clinches rikudou too his chest~ your eyes are diffrent.....never in my 35 years of beening a monk and raising kids yours are just.......diffrent

*1 hour later in a medium size dorm room in a tinted ligthed room*

Rikudou sennin: father?.......i passed out from not sleeping didnt i.......

Monk master shingan: ~opens the wooden cracked door~ yes son its ok.....but least you awaken I guess we needed a break so then want more training?

Rikudou sennin: yes but father....are you sure you dont know whats wrong with my eyes?

Monk master shingan: yes but you should name them since there not in any scrolls or stones I know.....but maybe if we try......traning them
We would see if theres anythings behide them

Rikudou sennin: uh...secrets?....you think i could hear the story about mom again? Because i never really seen her face or her..........

Monk Master shingan: oh that story again haha lets see now it was in the middle of october when a medium black hair dark eyes beauty came to a hospital.....that night your mother gave birth to a healthy baby boy with the smile of a spiritual gift the most softest skin and after 2 weeks of the babys birth......the mother grew ill for a certain time she slept and feed and cleaned the small baby even if she was sick she died the next year with a bright smile on her face kissing the baby one last time You made her and me happy rikudou ~smiles~

Rikudou sennin: ~crys alittle~
 
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Germanicus

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Dude, quite honestly, it looks like you're forcing it. Do me a favor; what your idea is looks good. Now go back and think on it. Don't just write the chronological events of the story. Make us feel it, breathe it, smell it. Flesh your words out. Bring in some colorful descriptions, some sophisticated adjectives. Just spend some more time on and work for it.

Not trying to sound like a know it all or offend, just wanting to extend some feedback.
 

raziel777

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Lol you should find a name for him, it's a fanfic it doesn't matter if you are not 100% fidele to the source. Calling the rikodou sennin, rikodou (6 paths) feels weird. And I'm sure he didn't have that nickname so soon.
Anyway, it was short and lacked details but it was okay. Keep on writing
 
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