A relationship like that have lost its foundation and anyone who stays after getting cheated on is pathetic. It means you have no personal boundaries and don't have any self respect which means others can walk all over you. Even with that depraved self esteem you gotta ask yourself, would the other person forgive me if I did the same thing? Most likely no in which case you're a cuck.
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- Thread starter legarcon
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Yes it is, all monogamous relationships are based on exclusiveness, anything else is vague and abstract. While in the relationship you're getting rid of your options for share your life with one person, if that person doesn't do the same then you're essentially their slave.
Callypigia
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You're answering this like a child. The life is a lot more complicated than your black and white point of view on fidelity. When you've spent 20 years with someone, you have children, a home, cars, retirement pensions, and financial/life style/emotional dependence you may look at life differently. Like you said, infidelity is indicative of other problems; they are rarely about ***, but these problems can be fixed with desire and effort. It's like a leaky basement. When the basement floods that isn't the cause, that's the effect due to problems with your sealing and foundation. It can be fixed and you can have a dry basement. You just have to figure out where the water is getting in. Do you just sell your home when your basement floods or do you fix it, because you've invested a lot of time, love, and money in it?
Everyone has bottom lines that they won't tolerate. For most people it's abuse. Infidelity isn't as common as people would assume either. A study by Laumann et al. (1994) found that only around 1.5% of marriages experience infidelity, and around 25% of non-married relationships experience infidelity.
All he was saying is that infidelity doesn't have to mean the end of the relationship. Many people feel that way, which is why marriage counseling has a high success rate for people willing to repair their marriage. People are human and make mistakes. Sure if you're dating for a few weeks and you see your girl kissing a guy by your locker, dump her, but it gets a lot more complicated for adults.
A building can't choose to have a basement flood but a person can always choose to cheat. Even if I still have ties to a woman like the things you mentioned, any emotional investment I had from that point is gone.
Callypigia
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Well, that's ok. That's how you feel. You might feel different when you're older, you might not. It's one thing to express your opinion and how you feel, but it's another thing to tell someone they're wrong for their opinion. Some people even have open marriages. I personally don't think that's very conducive to a successful relationship, but that's not the way my brain works. Even if you don't have an open relationship, some people don't look at infidelity as the end all offense in a relationship. Like I said earlier: statistically it's physical abuse. Virginia Satir called these "bottom lines." Here is a good link to reading more about these:
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I thought the advice given to OP was very wrong so I wanted to let the one who gave that advice know their mistake. I would only make a formerly monogamous marriage into an open relationship if I can't escape after she cheated on me. For example, if I have too much to lose to leave, this opinion will never change.