Post your jokes

[Ryu Kishi]

just as the title says, and please keep them clean, not too clean, but nothing that would offend people.
This is for everyone that wants to cheer up those monday bluesXD, i will go first.

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new
password for their computer. The husband puts,
"Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground
laughing because on the screen it says, "Error.
Not long enough."

 

[fiend]

A couple of city slickers were riding on a train through the countryside when one of them noticed some cows.
"Look at that bunch of cows!" he remarked.
"Not a bunch, herd", his friend replied.
"Heard of what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Of course I've heard of cows."
"No, a cow herd."
"Why should I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!"

 

[Nyanmaru]

Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.

 

[Ryu Kishi]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that
Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If
there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you
shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says,
"None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says,
"Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're
thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see
three women walking out of an ice cream parlor,
one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice
cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one
is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with
the wedding ring, but I like how you're
thinking!"

 

[Waindo]

What do sea monsters eat?
Fish 'n' Ships

 

[Wabbit]

A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve
himself. When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis
he has ever seen. As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member
of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him
if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can
grant you three wishes."
"Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
"Well, havin' such a large **** makes it a bit awkward with the
ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes
if you wouldn't mind suckin' me **** 'til I come." The man is a bit taken
aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless. After
the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away.
The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?"
Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?"
"25."
"Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?"

 

[fiend]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone , then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not." answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog."

 

[Waindo]

Why is exercise so important?
So that you can die healthier!

 

[P3ĮÑ]

What is flabby, comes in all shapes and sizes, sags, bounces up and down and makes our world go round?

Spoiler

Boobies

I need to get an award.

 

[Dannie]

An Asian walks into a bathroom and then walks back out. What is he?

Spoiler

European

 

[fiend]

The bar was vacant except for the bartender who was cleaning the counters and taking inventory. A lonely man sat on the far end sipping on a schooner of cold beer. In stumbled another man who decided to be friendly and joined the solo man.
"Hey, how ya doin'? Can I buy you a beer?"
"Sure, why not? Have a seat."
"So where you from?"
"Mercer Island, Washington."
"Are ye shitting me? I myself am from Mercer Island. We'd better order another beer on that one."
The finished a full beer in silence when the new guy asked:
"So where did you go to school."
"I went to Mercer Island Catholic Academy."
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! I myself went to Mercer Island Catholic Academy!" we had better have another beer on that one. "
Still later....
"So what year did you graduate?"
"I graduated in 1984."
"That can not be true for I myself graduated in 1984! We had better have another beer on that one."
The phone rang and the bartender answered it.
"Oh, nothing much going on . Just the O'Malley twins getting drunk again."

 

[Waindo]

What does a snail yell while riding a turtle?
"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

 

[fiend]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone , then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not." answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog."

 

[Wabbit]

Another stupid gay joke!!!
You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry
daquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't
serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
in and kick your ass?"
The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
thurstay...."
Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer
on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon
as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the
bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could
lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!"
From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!"

 

[Ryu Kishi]

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at
school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying,
"Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am
going to eat that p**sy once Jimmy leaves for
school today!'"