Please Read! A very rough draft....

[Zenic]

This is a very rough draft for the first of many books in a series I'm *trying* to write.

Here it is:

I never thought I would make it or even put myself in a position like that. Was it worth it? I look back on all I have lost, I think to myself ‘what if’ a lot. Alternate is not alternate, rather a possible future. I’m alone with blood on my hands. Yes, alone, alone, alone. I guess you want to know what I’m talking about, for that to happen, we need to go to the start. This is a warning, not fiction. Whoever manages to find ‘this’, make better choices than I did. Know those around you, know yourself! Now that I look back, I guess Mr Rubio was right... Who would have guessed?

“Mum! Hurry up and bring the juice.” I hate mornings! Always did, always will. Who doesn’t hate the bad taste in your mouth, the sore eyes, the dry lips and the wild headaches that follow after you wake up? Today, however, I was rather excited. We had our exams today and I had something shocking planned!



If you were confused after the first paragraph, that's what I was aiming for

 

[Yanks]

i like it lol

 

[Bantos]

Get rid of the unnecessary exclamation marks and it's better.
It seems like you're describing a hangover. I believe I'm wrong but it seems so.
This advances way too fast also. For my taste.
But yeah. I'd like to actually read more. Maybe.

 

[nickuchiha25]

one piece of advice bro: try to write about stuff that come from your experience...they will seem much more realistic that way...anyway....good job

 

[Light yagami Kira]

why is the character so depressing ? u know people does not like those kind of characters... or its just me... when i make my story (i make shorts stories/manga for fan) my character always have a backup for his feelings but he is never depress like this ... it might just be me tho

 

[Zenic]

i like it lol

Thanks

Get rid of the unnecessary exclamation marks and it's better.
It seems like you're describing a hangover. I believe I'm wrong but it seems so.
This advances way too fast also. For my taste.
But yeah. I'd like to actually read more. Maybe.

Do you think I'm describing a hangover in the first paragraph? If so, I've gone horribly wrong. It's fantasy genre.

Thanks for your feedback, you're probably right about it advancing too fast but I'm trying to build suspense throughout the entire book till the end twist

 

[Light yagami Kira]

one piece of advice bro: try to write about stuff that come from your experience...they will seem much more realistic that way...anyway....good job

EXPLAIN how is that connected to one piece?

 

[pinkspider2000]

Nice job it seems interesting.:hooray:

 

[neilson]

It looks good to me.

 

[Zenic]

one piece of advice bro: try to write about stuff that come from your experience...they will seem much more realistic that way...anyway....good job

That's exactly what I'm doing! The character is loosely based off a young version of myself (arrogant, loud, stubborn)

why is the character so depressing ? u know people does not like those kind of characters... or its just me... when i make my story (i make shorts stories/manga for fan) my character always have a backup for his feelings but he is never depress like this ... it might just be me tho

Contraire! The character isn't depressing at all. I don't want to reveal too much but the starting paragraph is an ending of a sort.

I'll try post more of the story up but you'll see the character is rather loud, arrogant, cocky and intimidating. I'm aiming for the readers to hate the protagonist as the story progresses and to like his best friend (not introduced yet)

 

[Zenic]

Nice job it seems interesting.:hooray:

Thanks! I hope you're being honest

It looks good to me.

Thank you

Not so great so far but hopefully it will get better.

 

[Bantos]

Thanks



Do you think I'm describing a hangover in the first paragraph? If so, I've gone horribly wrong. It's fantasy genre.

Thanks for your feedback, you're probably right about it advancing too fast but I'm trying to build suspense throughout the entire book till the end twist

The second paragraph is the one advancing way too fast. I get the feeling that you're hurrying to the part you want to write. Remember to describe the surroundings in the book. And appearances also. And feelings.

why is the character so depressing ? u know people does not like those kind of characters... or its just me... when i make my story (i make shorts stories/manga for fan) my character always have a backup for his feelings but he is never depress like this ... it might just be me tho

I didn't find the character depressing at all. :/ Or depressed.

 

[Zenic]

The second paragraph is the one advancing way too fast. I get the feeling that you're hurrying to the part you want to write. Remember to describe the surroundings in the book. And appearances also. And feelings.

Spot on. I am trying to get to the part I want to write about. Is it obvious?

Yeah I definitely have to go into more detail. It won't make sense if some pages are full of descriptions and some pages are just rushed.

 

[Fair Warning]

Would read if book was free

 

[Bantos]

Spot on. I am trying to get to the part I want to write about. Is it obvious?

Yeah I definitely have to go into more detail. It won't make sense if some pages are full of descriptions and some pages are just rushed.

It is quite obvious yes. But you just need to take it easy and write every scene as well as you would write the parts you want to get to already.

 

[Zenic]

Would read if book was free

Okay

Hey, at least you're being honest.

It is quite obvious yes. But you just need to take it easy and write every scene as well as you would write the parts you want to get to already.

Yeah, I was so excited when the idea came to my head. I haven't written a creative piece since I finished high school :bouncy:

 

[WhistleBlower]

Haha, nice story man. I always enjoyed teen based novels which began with an event and then got to the event afterwards. Plus, i think i know what "shocking thing the boy had planned"

 

[Zenic]

Haha, nice story man. I always enjoyed teen based novels which began with an event and then got to the event afterwards. Plus, i think i know what "shocking thing the boy had planned"

Really? If so, you must be a genius because it's related to the "Mr Rubio was right" part. It's something got to do with his personality.

He's meant to be a stupid genius (forgot to mention that).

In a nutshell: Your average 14 year old boy going to school ends up with a huge burden on his shoulders. It is a depressing story with a psychological ending.