[Adventure] Over in a Flash of Red Chapter 2

FaHaD 5212

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Chapter 2: Understanding

Hey there, hope you're all doing fine. Thanks for the positive replies in the last chapter. Anyway here's the next chapter, enjoy.

"Yo Minna-san, how are you"- Human Speech
'I really don't want to be this polite' - Human Thought
"Like you have a choice" - Biju Speech
'I really want to eat that brat and kill him' - Biju Thought

Kage Bunshin No Jutsu (Shadow Clone Technique) - Jutsu

Quote of the day:
When a man learns to love, he must bear the risk of hatred. ~Uchiha Madara

Disclaimer: I FaHaD 5212, do not own Naruto in any way or form. (If I did, you would know).

Chapter 2: Understanding


October 11th - Konoha Council Chambers

The atmosphere was tense and thick. If we took the time to look around in the room, we would see two groups of people sitting on what seemed to be council seats, and at the at most edge of the rows of seats lay an empty seat, ascended slightly in an elevated position with a desk accompanying it. The letters for 'Hokage' was written on the desk. One group had the label 'Civilian' written on the wall adjacent to them, while the other side represented the 'Shinobi'.

We could see the Civilian Council seething as they whispered to each other. On the other hand the Shinobi were calmly sitting on their seats, waiting for their leader.

In an instant, the Sandaime Hokage of Konoha appeared in a Shunshin (Body Flicker) and took his seat. "I hereby begin this council meeting. Civilian Council, please enlighten us to as to why you have called this meeting on such short notice" requested the aged Hokage.

"With all due respect Hokage-sama, we have received reports that the Demon brat has massacred a large group of Konoha citizens therefore we of the Civilian council demand his execution" said Yuki Totegawa, the marketing manager.

"Hmm, according to what I have personally witnessed, the boy was merely defending himself and to be honest I would have executed the group on accusation of severe child abuse, as well as breaking an absolute law set by the Hokage. Also, you are to call him Naruto and not a Demon, which would be a violation of another law; for which you shall be punished next time" said the Hokage with an eerie undertone in his voice as he said the last part.

"But Hokage-sama..." as Sairenji Haruna, chairwoman of economics, was interrupted by Hiruzen, "Are you questioning my orders, Civilian? Need I remind you that this village is a military dictatorship. My word is the law, no one questions my orders. I have given you enough leeway; letting you off the hook for the most gruesome of crimes. Now if you don't want me to abolish the Civilian Council all together, I suggest you remain quiet on this topic, all of you".

Shikaku for most of the part was surprised. Never had he seen the Hokage using his authority properly. At times like this he remembers why the old Sarutobi is called the 'God of Shinobi'. 'What a drag, it would have lightened up this troublesome day had the Civilian Council been abolished' thought Shikaku, as did the rest of the Shinobi, after all the greed of the Civilians was eating up the village inside out. Even the Academy standards were lowered just to accommodate civil students, thus weakening the ninja force of the village.

"Hai, Hokage-sama" replied Haruna a little too hastily as the other Civilians were gob smacked that one of the most prideful members of the Civilian Council who was used to arguing with the Hokage had just submitted.

"Now then, if there is nothing else, I call this meeting adjourned" said the Hokage as he left for his office. The others followed in suit except that they went about their own business.

=====OFR=====
Uzumaki Namikaze Estate - Konoha


When we looked inside this massive mansion we would see that it was completely clean, as if years of being unattended had done nothing to it; after all there were preservation seals all across the house to keep it clean and in mint condition.

If one were to take a stroll in the house, he would eventually reach a room to find a desk with some letters on it, if a curious person were to check then they would find out that they were from 'Minato', 'Kushina', and some written by both of them.

In front of the desk we find our favorite Uzumaki sitting in a Lotus position, seemingly meditating. On his face, were some dried tear stains which he probably shed at reading his parents' letters.

Flashback - After Entering the Compound

'So Tou-san had a huge mansion, well he was the Hokage after all' thought Naruto as he finished examining the residence.

The mansion had a large kitchen, five large bedrooms, a bathroom in each one and a lounge on both floors with a guest rooms on each of them.

As Naruto entered the master bedroom, he quickly scanned the room and found a desk with some letters on top. As he went through them he found out that they were from his parents along with some of their pictures.

For him, three in particular stood out. The first was when Kushina became a Jounin, 'Kaa-chan sure was beautiful; Tou-san was quite lucky.' The second was when Minato became Hokage, 'He sure does look powerful in that getup.' The final and most emotional for him was of a pregnant Kushina with Minato beside her, they seemed to be playfully talking to the developing baby. Naruto didn't know what to think, a lone tear trailed down his cheek. He was happy that his parents loved him, sad that they were not with him and determined to make them proud of him.

He decided to read the letters and his mother's first. He took it out and began,


Dear Naruto,

This is your Kaa-chan, I know what type of situation you are in while you're reading. I'll tell you this, I'm sorry for not being there for you but know this, no matter what you may think of me, I will always love you.

Upon seeing the tear stains his heart began to throb and his cheeks felt wet, but he continued on.

Oh, look at me, I'm crying even when the situation of me leaving you hasn't occurred. You must think Kaa-chan is emotional ttebane. Hehe, there it is, my embarrassing verbal tic, I hope you don't have it, but I wouldn't mind since it would make me and my Sochi-kun similar. Anyways, enough about me, I really want to touch you, to be there for you when you feel sad and enjoy with you when you're happy.

Some more tear stains on the letter were seen.

Make sure you eat healthy, that means you eat your veggies, make sure you sleep on time and be well-rested but don't over sleep because that's unhealthy, work hard and study, respect your teachers, if you don't get something then don't feel down, everyone has things they are good and bad at, and make some friends, they don't have to be many, just two or three are fine but they have to be good and able to look out for your back and I know this world is made of men and women so it's natural to find a girl that you like, just make sure she's nice like your Kaa-chan. Me and your Tou-chan left some information for your training should we not be there for you. I really want to be in your life from the bottom of my heart. Please forgive me for not being there for you.

Lots of Love
Konoha's Red Death,
Your Kaa-chan,
Uzumaki Kushina.

By now Naruto was in tears, but he noticed that Konoha had been has hastily cut and he noted an extra note written hurriedly.

P.S. Don't trust Konoha, Minato told me that that during the Kyūbi attack, he saw some people working to take down the village in the chaos and plotting to harm you. Read Minato's extra note for detail. Remember, I love you ttebane and we hope you can overcome the Kyūbi's hatred, as a Jinchuriki myself I know how painful it is but fill your heart with love and be close to those precious to you. I'm sorry Naruto.

Some blood had also managed to fall on the note as sweat and tears marred it. 'You have nothing to be sorry for, Kaa-chan' thought Naruto. The side note had raised teary eyed Naruto's curiosity.

He picked up Minato's letter and read it,


Dear Naruto,

This is your Tou-chan, though you might not call me that for not being there for you. Know this that I have loved you since the day you were born and before. All I basically have to say is the same as your motor mouth Kaa-chan.

Naruto chuckled at that.

Anyways, me and your Kaa-chan have planned a training schedule on the other letters. I know its hard to live without a father, after all my father died before I was born. Sorry for getting sidetracked there. I will tell you this one last thing, I love you, my Sochi.

With Love
The Yellow Flash of Konoha,
The Yondaime Hokage, (regrettably)
Namikaze Minato.

Naruto noticed that once again Konoha was cut hastily and that he regretted being Hokage. A hastily written note by Minato followed.

P.S. Naruto, do not trust Konoha, they are plotting something. While the Sandaime and the Shinobi were fighting the Kyūbi, there were some members of the Civilian Council who were doing something with some Iwa and Kumo Ninja. I also overhead Danzo with some council members saying that after I would make you a Jinchuriki and that they would try to control you, that crafty bastard figured out what I would do. However, I couldn't do much about, it because of a masked man, claiming to be Uchiha Madara attacked me, then I had to deal with the Kyūbi, sorry about that but I hope you understand. How can I ask a parent to give up their child when I couldn't do the same myself? I hope you can control the Kyūbi and bring peace to the world. I've left you a surprise in the seal which you can see when the time comes.

'So Konoha is destroying itself and who is this 'Danzo'?...Me, bring peace to the world, yeah right, peace seems to be a pipe dream right now. I'd rather destroy the world' Naruto thought, but after the last part he shivered as he remembered his first kill, rather massacre. "Am I a monster?" he whispered to himself.

"I need to sleep" he said to himself, suddenly feeling a lot of guilt as well as some mixed emotions due to his parents' words and he felt that rest would help him get over it.


Flashback End

'I didn't do anything wrong. If I let them live, then they would have killed me without second thought'. Naruto had just woke up and was in a constant attempt to convince himself that he didn't do the wrong thing.

With a heavy heart, he decided that occupying himself was all he could do to forget about his trauma. Therefore he quickly washed himself and made a breakfast of bacon and eggs. 'I have to eat healthy so Kaa-chan will be happy.'

Getting finished with breakfast, he thought about the Kyūbi's offer. 'It doesn't seem like he's gonna do anything harmful to me, at least not right now. Better be on my toes, for my own good' he thought as he visited his mindscape.

=====OFR=====
Naruto's Mindscape

"Yo Kyūbi" greeted Naruto but instead of a reply he got a grunt in response. "Not one for pleasantries, Eh."

"What do you want mortal? I won't be training you, as I already told you. Advice then? Do the basics from your parents' scrolls" said the Kyūbi rather menacingly.

"Hey Kyūbi, what will you achieve by helping me?" asked Naruto.

"And what will I lose? It's too boring in here so I'd rather help you to make things more eventful. Who knows, you might even free me in gratitude" replied the Kyūbi.

"How about a deal, I know I will die if you get free, so I will find a way to release you without dying; that would be, unpleasant, to say the least" offered Naruto.

"Hahaha, you're amusing brat, I suppose I really have no other choice than to rot in boredom, so I guess we can call it a deal" answered the Kyūbi.

"So when do we start?" questioned Naruto.

"Are you an idiot? Don't answer that; just do what I told you. I will not be training you directly" answered the Kyūbi.

"*sigh* I suppose I have no other choice. See ya later, ttebayo" said Naruto as his presence vanished.

"Like I would want to" retorted Kyūbi.

=====OFR=====
Uzumaki Namikaze Estate - Konoha


"Ttebayo? That was a first. I suppose its something that makes me and Kaa-chan alike" said Naruto a little cheerfully but felt a little down because he was alone in the world.

'No need to get down, Kaa-chan would beat me to hell for that' thought Naruto.

Suddenly he heard a ringing bell. When he went to check the source of the sound, he saw a moving picture of the Sandaime in between a seal. 'Impressive, I must, must learn Fuinjutsu' thought Naruto as he went outside.

=====OFR=====
Outside Uzumaki Namikaze Estate - Konoha


"Hey Jiji, what brought you here?" asked Naruto.

"Hello Naruto-kun, I'm here to give you a warning." said Hiruzen as he waited for Naruto to process the information, and he got a sign to go on from Naruto, "You see, earlier I was in a Council meeting and they planned to kill you. I used my influence to stop them however they can unofficially assault you at any time, so watch your back".

" Got it Jiji" said Naruto as he asked in a slightly guilty voice, "Ano Jiji, am I a monster?"

Hiruzen was surprised at the sudden question and swiftly replied, "No Naruto-Kun, whatever made you think that?"

"You see, yesterday, before I was in the hospital, as you already know, I killed, massacred a group of people" replied Naruto.

'At least this is not due to the council's manipulation' the Sandaime thought and then said, "Look Naruto-Kun, what you did back there was not wrong, if they were not dealt with then they would have threatened your well being. So don't feel guilty for killing them, killing is in our line of work as Shinobi. You do want to become a Shinobi, right?" and he received a nod in response so he continued, "Just remember you are doing whatever you may be doing so that those precious to you can be happy".

"Arigato Jiji, I needed that" replied Naruto, feeling better on the subject. "Very well Naruto-Kun, I won't take up more of your time so this is where I take my leave, farewell". "Ja Ne Jiji" said Naruto in response and he went to explore the village. 'Let's visit Ayame-nee and Teiuchi-ji, and some ramen' thought Naruto.

=====OFR=====
Ichiraku Ramen Stand - Konoha


Inside a busy street of Konoha, there was an average looking Ramen stand. It was a family business which was constantly evolving and earning a lot of profit.

"I'm soooooo bored" whined a tired Ayame, "I wish Naru-chan were here to liven things up".

"Ohayo, Ayame-nee, Teiuchi-ji" greeted Naruto as he came from behind the covers.

"Speak of the devil, how are you Naruto-kun?" replied Teiuchi.

"Tou-san, Naru-chan is too cute to be a devil" retorted Ayame.

Naruto chuckled as he said "I'm fine, actually I'm hungry for ramen" as if on cue, his stomach grumbled.

"Got it, one Naruto Special on the house for brightening the day up" said Teiuchi as he went to the back.

"So Naru-chan, what've you been up to, I haven't seen a prank for weeks. I was getting worried" said Ayame.

"Hehe, just wait and see, I'm gonna make tomorrow a day worth remembering" replied Naruto, with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"Knowing you, I'll hear squeals from the Hyuga Compound" joked Ayame.

"How did you find out?" feigning surprise.

"I just know you that well" retorted Ayame.

"Here you go Naruto-kun, eat up" said Teiuchi as he brought the ramen.

"Let's see if you can break your previous record of eating speed" said Ayame.

"Uh, actually I think it would be better if I start eating normally" replied Naruto as he slowly his favorite dish and thought, 'Wow, ramen tastes even better when eaten slowly.'

"Ara Ara, is my cute little Naru-chan finally practicing to ensnare a damsel's heart. You should play the knight in shining armor role, it never fails" teased Ayame at which Naruto blushed and stuttered incoherent words.

After calming down, Naruto decided on only three bowls of ramen instead of the usual twenty. He talked with Ayame a bit and eventually finished his food.

"Ja Ne, Ayame-nee, Teiuchi-ji" said Naruto and he went back home.

"See you next time Naru-chan/Naruto-kun" replied Ayame and Teiuchi.

=====OFR=====
Uzumaki Namikaze Estate - Konoha


"I should visit them for ramen more often, it's always fun around them" said Naruto to himself as he went to the master bedroom.

'Well first let's check if I can actually channel Chakra' thought Naruto as he got tips from a scroll. He focused for a second and found a warm blue ocean, 'So much Chakra, the scroll said that I would only feel a small pond' were his thoughts as he stopped the Chakra flow and opened his eyes. 'Hmm, I can see the Chakra around me again, this must be the Sharingan' thought Naruto.

"I'm in for a hell of a ride. Man, it will take a long time to get stronger" said the blond to himself.

'I guess I should start with the other scrolls' thought Naruto as he went to the desk. He picked up the seemingly simplest scroll and read it. 'So they expected me to have humongous Chakra reserves. I have to master the leaf balancing and tree walking in three days, maximum. Water walking will take four days, I need to have above average Chakra control by the week, another week for perfection of the exercises' planned Naruto as he left for the training ground.

=====OFR=====
Uzumaki Namikaze Training Field - Konoha


"Wow" was all Naruto could say after taking in the marvelous sight. After all anyone would take, at the very least, a minute to absorb all the details of this miraculous piece of land.

There were trees filling the area and a river dividing it in half. Temperature and moisture seals had been used to raise and lower the temperature to form a desert and a snow field, respectively. Other than that, targets had been set up for Shurikenjutsu, some targets were apparently impossible to hit yet we can see a Kunai embedded in them with perfect accuracy behind the target.

'This is the best place I could possibly ask for to train in, any more and Kami herself may as well come down from heaven to help me' thought Naruto.' It is to be expected, the Yondaime Hokage wasn't called the 'Yellow Flash' for being a slouch.

"Gotta be efficient, I have to finish this as fast as I can. Kaa-chan had to practice daily to keep up control of her astounding reserves, that alone shows how necessary control is' said the blond to himself.

He picked up some leaves, placed them on his forehead and channeled some Chakra, and surprisingly he got the desired results mentioned in the scroll on his first attempt, 'Must be because of the Sharingan' thought Naruto.

"Tree walking is next then" he said to himself. He channeled some Chakra to his feet and ran towards the tree. Instead of running on, the bark of the tree got crushed. 'I knew it, easy exercises like the left balancing are simple enough but tree walking is gonna take a day or two' figured Naruto.

======OFR======
Time Skip - 2 days


We could see Naruto running on a tree and then jumping onto another, repeating the process several times, "I'm satisfied with the control. That was kinda fun" he muttered the last part.

"No time to waste time to waste. Water walking, prepare to be conquered, ttebayo" said Naruto, happy on his success.

He moved on to the river, 'Wait a second, I don't want to fall in the water because I was too impatient. Now, water walking is like tree walking it's just that I have to adjust to the constant flow of water' Naruto thought as he focused his Chakra and moved onto the water.

His first few steps were successful but a few seconds later, the water reached his waist. "Troublesome. This will take a while" said Naruto to himself as he started to practice tenaciously.

And Cut.

Hope you all like the chapter. Thanks for sticking with me and I hope you read my future work as well. Old readers, do tell me how it was compared to last time, if you didn't notice, I changed a few little things.

Well that's pretty much it.

Ja Ne

Read & Review


 
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Michael92

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It was a nice read, not too long and not too short either.
Your intro seemed less random this time, so I guess that's something =p
I saw some inconsistency in your sentences and some minor grammar here and there, but not so much that a non-native English-speaker like me would really need to complain. As long as I understand the message and what's going on it's fine. It might just be that spending a little more time going over the text would be all that it takes to take care of most of these hick-ups. That's a lesson I too had to learn early on. Nowadays I kind of spend too much time doing it and there's still something to pick out, always xP

Oh, one thing that bugged me a bit though, is that "mindscape" is written as one word, not as two. Kinda like the word "landscape." Considering you use it a lot/will be using it a lot in the upcoming chapters, I thought I would give you a heads-up while I still remembered it :p ;) And then another! Sorry xP At the ramen shop, you said that Naruto's stomach grumbled as if on que. I think you meant "cue." ;)

I kind of get a mixed feeling about this story. At times, it feels like a serious plot which tries to mirror the characters and the canon story the best it can, and at other times, it goes bananas xP I find that aspect kind of intriguing like I mentioned in my review on the first part, so make sure to keep that coming ;)

I find it cool that you sort of "invented" some seals to regulate temperature, house-dust, and so on. Never really thought of something like that before.

As for the timeskip, a little hint would be not only to show that there is a timeskip, but also put some empathy on it by stating something like; "Two days had now passed since Naruto started his basic training, and he was already starting to get the hang of the tree-walking technique. Over at the training-field we could see Naruto running up a tree and then jumping onto another..." That would give it a nicer flow for example, but at the end of the day, I already think you are doing well for a new guy. If you look at my first fic now, it kind of suck, grammar and structure wise, haha xD

To end my review, I still feel like I'm not too sure what to say about or add to, to the actual plot. I think the "civil counsel" inclusion was a nice move, and that there seems to be something happening behind the scene which will take form soon. Be sure to hook me up with the next one as well ;)
 

FaHaD 5212

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It was a nice read, not too long and not too short either.
Your intro seemed less random this time, so I guess that's something =p
I saw some inconsistency in your sentences and some minor grammar here and there, but not so much that a non-native English-speaker like me would really need to complain. As long as I understand the message and what's going on it's fine. It might just be that spending a little more time going over the text would be all that it takes to take care of most of these hick-ups. That's a lesson I too had to learn early on. Nowadays I kind of spend too much time doing it and there's still something to pick out, always xP

Oh, one thing that bugged me a bit though, is that "mindscape" is written as one word, not as two. Kinda like the word "landscape." Considering you use it a lot/will be using it a lot in the upcoming chapters, I thought I would give you a heads-up while I still remembered it :p ;) And then another! Sorry xP At the ramen shop, you said that Naruto's stomach grumbled as if on que. I think you meant "cue." ;)

I kind of get a mixed feeling about this story. At times, it feels like a serious plot which tries to mirror the characters and the canon story the best it can, and at other times, it goes bananas xP I find that aspect kind of intriguing like I mentioned in my review on the first part, so make sure to keep that coming ;)

I find it cool that you sort of "invented" some seals to regulate temperature, house-dust, and so on. Never really thought of something like that before.

As for the timeskip, a little hint would be not only to show that there is a timeskip, but also put some empathy on it by stating something like; "Two days had now passed since Naruto started his basic training, and he was already starting to get the hang of the tree-walking technique. Over at the training-field we could see Naruto running up a tree and then jumping onto another..." That would give it a nicer flow for example, but at the end of the day, I already think you are doing well for a new guy. If you look at my first fic now, it kind of suck, grammar and structure wise, haha xD

To end my review, I still feel like I'm not too sure what to say about or add to, to the actual plot. I think the "civil counsel" inclusion was a nice move, and that there seems to be something happening behind the scene which will take form soon. Be sure to hook me up with the next one as well ;)
Thanks, English isn't my native language either. In fact in my casual life, it is sparsely used.

Thanks for pointing out the 'mindscape' mistake, I'll work on that in future chapters (Too lazy to fix previous chapters)

About the seals, well they can technically be used for doing anything (teleportation(Hirashin)) so why not use them for some smaller scale purposes. You will find many new seals in the future.

I'll try to improve that timeskip issue. Thanks for pointing it out.

Well everything is about to go bananas in a few chapters (hopefully), but you never know, I might just make the story a little extensive before that.
 

Michael92

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Thanks, English isn't my native language either. In fact in my casual life, it is sparsely used.

Thanks for pointing out the 'mindscape' mistake, I'll work on that in future chapters (Too lazy to fix previous chapters)

About the seals, well they can technically be used for doing anything (teleportation(Hirashin)) so why not use them for some smaller scale purposes. You will find many new seals in the future.

I'll try to improve that timeskip issue. Thanks for pointing it out.

Well everything is about to go bananas in a few chapters (hopefully), but you never know, I might just make the story a little extensive before that.
Yeah same here, even to the point that whenever I'm in a situation where I have to actually talk English with someone, I often times mess up, haha xP

I see xD And sure, no problem.

That's kind of cool, I'll be paying close attention then :p

It wasn't as much as an issue as it was a hint really. After all, I could have given more examples, but that was one of them where I saw an opportunity to actually bring in something "new" and more fluently.

Hehe, I'll be sure to check it out then.
 

FaHaD 5212

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Yeah same here, even to the point that whenever I'm in a situation where I have to actually talk English with someone, I often times mess up, haha xP

I see xD And sure, no problem.

That's kind of cool, I'll be paying close attention then :p

It wasn't as much as an issue as it was a hint really. After all, I could have given more examples, but that was one of them where I saw an opportunity to actually bring in something "new" and more fluently.

Hehe, I'll be sure to check it out then.
Hint or not, it was helpful. Personally I find these little tidbits are what make a story better.

(This post of yours was not actually 'repliable')
 

Michael92

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Hint or not, it was helpful. Personally I find these little tidbits are what make a story better.

(This post of yours was not actually 'repliable')
Yeah I agree, wouldn't be making these reviews otherwise, haha :p ;)

Well as long as we're generating more comments and views, it should benefit the both of us I guess. Wondering where the ones from chapter 1 went? Have you tried VMing them??
 

FaHaD 5212

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Yeah I agree, wouldn't be making these reviews otherwise, haha :p ;)

Well as long as we're generating more comments and views, it should benefit the both of us I guess. Wondering where the ones from chapter 1 went? Have you tried VMing them??
Agreed, we'll rank up with more posts.

No, the posts on Chapter 1 (if you were referring to those) are still there.
 

Michael92

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Agreed, we'll rank up with more posts.

No, the posts on Chapter 1 (if you were referring to those) are still there.
Hah, I wouldn't care much for ranking up, I was thinking more of the fact that the more views and posts this gets, the bigger the chance is to draw people's attention towards it =p

I'm talking about the posters bro, the ones who were posting them, haha ;) So far it has only been me posting on the 2nd one.
 

FaHaD 5212

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Hah, I wouldn't care much for ranking up, I was thinking more of the fact that the more views and posts this gets, the bigger the chance is to draw people's attention towards it =p

I'm talking about the posters bro, the ones who were posting them, haha ;) So far it has only been me posting on the 2nd one.
Yeah, that would increase popularity.

They magically disappeared, it's only us having a chat over our chapters.
 

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I see. Yours will arrive before mine then. I have no idea when mine's ready yet.
And, are you planning on keeping this going with only one reader, or are you winning those from chapter 1 back?? o_O
Yeah, I try to get them back every week and also advertising by posting links at random people's profiles.
 

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I thought the way the Hokage handled the allegations against Naruto was simply phenomenal! =D Wow, the detailing to the Uzumaki estate depicts a massive Mansion indeed lol I thought the letters were touching and helped Naruto to better put things into perspective :) It’s great that the Hokage is paying more attention to Naruto, acting more like a mentor to him. And man, these civilian council members are EVIL! XD He’s even become dependable as he is adhering to his family’s wishes via training :) His Sharingan is sure coming in handy ^^

This chapter to me seemed to focus more on character development and it was a nice read ;)
 
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Lord of Akatsuki

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From the moment I saw.
When a man learns to love, he must bear the risk of hatred ~Uchiha Madara
I knew this would be awesome.


Your writing has improved a lot in this chapter, so congrats on that.

I will help you like I did with the previous chapter. I am not in anyway saying you should do any of the examples I give you, merely read it so you can see where improvements are needed.

The atmosphere was tense. If we took the time to look around then we would see two groups of people sitting on what seemed to be council seats and an empty seat on an elevated position with 'Hokage' written on the desk made for it. One group had the label 'Civilian' on the wall behind them while the other represented the 'Shinobi'.
If we took the time to look around then we would see two groups
Should be.
'If we took the time to look around, then we would see two groups sitting on what seemed to be council seats, with an empty elevated seat with 'Hokage' written on the desk made for it.'

Not bad, however, in my personal opinion, I think this might work better though.

'The atmosphere was tense and thick. If we took the time to look around in the room, we'd see two groups of people sitting on what seemed to be council seats, and at the at most edge of the rows of seats lay an empty seat, ascended slightly in an elevated position with a desk accompanying it. The letters for 'Hokage' was written on the desk. One group had the label 'Civilian' written on the wall adjacent to them, while the other side represented the 'Shinobi.'

Let me reiterate, I am in no way saying you absolutely have to use my style, I am merely lending a hand.

In an instant, the Sandaime Hokage of Konoha appeared in a Shunshin and took his seat. "I hereby begin this council meeting. Civilian Council, please enlighten us to as to why you have called this meeting on such short notice" said the Hokage.
It should be. 'In an instant, the Sandaime Hokage of Konoha appeared in a Shunshin and took his seat. "I hereby begin this council meeting. Civilian Council, please enlighten us to as to why you have called this meeting on such short notice." Said the Hokage.'

Though this might work better.
'In an instant, the Sandaime Hokage of Konoha seemingly appeared in a Shunshin, taking his seat. "I hereby begin this council meeting." The Hokage turned his piercing gaze to the side. "Civilian Council, please enlighten us to as to why you have called this meeting on such short notice." The Hokage continued tersely.'

All quotations must end in a full stop or a comma.
The word right after the quotation marks should start with a capital as well.

When we looked inside this massive mansion we would see that it was completely clean, as if years of being unattended had done nothing to it, after all there were preservation seals all across the house to keep it clean and in mint condition.

If one took a stroll in the house, he would eventually reach a room to find a desk with some letters on it, if a curious person were to check then they would find out that they were from 'Minato', 'Kushina', and some written by both of them.

Considering the context of these paragraphs and the tense style you chose, it should be.
'When we looked inside this massive mansion we would see that it was completely clean, as if years of being unattended had done nothing to it; after all, there were preservation seals all across the house to keep it clean and in mint condition.

If one took a stroll in the house, one would eventually reach a room to find a desk with some letters on it, if a curious person were to check then they would find out that they were from 'Minato', 'Kushina', and some written by both of them. '

'He' should be 'one,' since you weren't writing it in third person, present tense, past tense, progressive past/present tense or first person.
It seems you did a narration or second person sort of style for those two paragraphs.
There's quite a few other areas as well.....
Do you by any chance have an editor? If need be, I'm willing to offer my services...I'd hate to see potential go to waste, after all.
Lol, unlike last time I'm actually somewhat awake, so my editing is working at many times that of what it was in the previous chapter ROFL.


I'll read the next one after this as well.
 
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FaHaD 5212

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From the moment I saw.

I knew this would be awesome.


Your writing has improved a lot in this chapter, so congrats on that.

I will help you like I did with the previous chapter. I am not in anyway saying you should do any of the examples I give you, merely read it so you can see where improvements are needed.



Should be.
'If we took the time to look around, then we would see two groups sitting on what seemed to be council seats, with an empty elevated seat with 'Hokage' written on the desk made for it.'

Not bad, however, in my personal opinion, I think this might work better though.

'The atmosphere was tense and thick. If we took the time to look around in the room, we'd see two groups of people sitting on what seemed to be council seats, and at the at most edge of the rows of seats lay an empty seat, ascended slightly in an elevated position with a desk accompanying it. The letters for 'Hokage' was written on the desk. One group had the label 'Civilian' written on the wall adjacent to them, while the other side represented the 'Shinobi.'

Let me reiterate, I am in no way saying you absolutely have to use my style, I am merely lending a hand.



It should be. 'In an instant, the Sandaime Hokage of Konoha appeared in a Shunshin and took his seat. "I hereby begin this council meeting. Civilian Council, please enlighten us to as to why you have called this meeting on such short notice." Said the Hokage.'

Though this might work better.
'In an instant, the Sandaime Hokage of Konoha seemingly appeared in a Shunshin, taking his seat. "I hereby begin this council meeting." The Hokage turned his piercing gaze to the side. "Civilian Council, please enlighten us to as to why you have called this meeting on such short notice." The Hokage continued tersely.'

All quotations must end in a full stop or a comma.
The word right after the quotation marks should start with a capital as well.




Considering the context of these paragraphs and the tense style you chose, it should be.
'When we looked inside this massive mansion we would see that it was completely clean, as if years of being unattended had done nothing to it; after all, there were preservation seals all across the house to keep it clean and in mint condition.

If one took a stroll in the house, one would eventually reach a room to find a desk with some letters on it, if a curious person were to check then they would find out that they were from 'Minato', 'Kushina', and some written by both of them. '

'He' should be 'one,' since you weren't writing it in third person, present tense, past tense, progressive past/present tense or first person.
It seems you did a narration or second person sort of style for those two paragraphs.
There's quite a few other areas as well.....
Do you by any chance have an editor? If need be, I'm willing to offer my services...I'd hate to see potential go to waste, after all.
Lol, unlike last time I'm actually somewhat awake, so my editing is working at many times that of what it was in the previous chapter ROFL.


I'll read the next one after this as well.
Thanks, for the support, advice and offer. I'll do what I can to fix this when I have time (ideally, a week later). At the moment, i won't be taking help as I'm writing this fanfiction for some reasons; a secondary one being that I write this myself so that I can improve my English. It never hurts to have an edge after all.
 

Lord of Akatsuki

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Thanks, for the support, advice and offer. I'll do what I can to fix this when I have time (ideally, a week later). At the moment, i won't be taking help as I'm writing this fanfiction for some reasons; a secondary one being that I write this myself so that I can improve my English. It never hurts to have an edge after all.
No problem. :)
Okay.
Yeah, it doesn't hurt to have an edge.
 
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