lucian011707
Member
Hello Naruto base I have been working on a original story called "Origin". I just wanted to post my chapters here. Please let me know what you think about it and what I can do to improve it. Thanks!
Origins Chp 1:
EXT.Yamirr mountains.Day.CHP 1
A YOUNG MAN MOVES SWIFTLY THROUGH THE FOREST. ON HIS BACK IS A SMALL DEMON. FOLLOWING CLOSELY BEHIND are A GROUP OF DEMONS KNOWN AS GROOKS.
zedoi
Man I think I really pissed those guys off huh Aiko?
ZEDOI SMILES TO HIMSELF.
AIKO
What was it that gave it away. Was it the part where they were throwing spears at us, or is it the fact that they have been chasing us for the past 20 minutes?
ZEDOI
Relax buddy I got everything under control.
AIKO
Don't tell me to relax. We wouldn't even be in this situation if you had followed the plan.
ZEDOI
I did follow the plan I located the necklace and then I stole it. Just like you said.
AIKO GETS A LOOK OF DISBELIEF.
AIKO
So you totally missed the part about being covert.
ZEDOI LOOKS CONFUSED.
ZEDOI
Covert? What the hell does that mean?
AIKO
Your hopeless.
ZEDOI
That's why your the brains and I'm the bronze.
THE TWO CONTINUE TO AVOID THEIR PURSUERS THROUGH THE THICK FOREST. FINALLY THE BRIGHT SUN LIGHT SHINES STRONGLY THROUGH THE TREES. ZEDOI AND AIKO HAVE FINALLY REACHED THE FOREST EDGE, THE END OF THE GROOK TERRITORY.
ZEDOI
Look, sunlight, we finally made it out!
AIKO
Good lets get the hell out of this place then!
ZEDOI TAKES ONE FINAL LEAP TO CLEAR THE LAST OF THE TREES. AFTER LANDING HE COMES TO AN ABRUPT STOP.
AIKO
You have got to be kidding me.
ZEDOI AND AIKO HAVE RUN INTO A DEAD END. IN FRONT OF THEM IS A HUGE CLIFF LEADING INTO THE OCEAN.
ZEDOI
I don't remember there being a cliff here.
ZEDOI SCRATCHES HIS HEAD WHILE AIKO GETS UPSET.
AIKO
That's because there wasn't any cliff! You went the wrong way!
ZEDOI
That's no good.
AS THE TWO ARGUE THE DEMONS EXIT THE FOREST AND SLOWLY APPROACH THEM.
AIKO
I can't believe this. We are so dead. There are to many of them to fight. Why did I ever take this job. Their going to eat us. I don't want to be eatin!
ZEDOI LOOKS OVER THE CLIFFS EDGE.
ZEDOI
Calm down Aiko.
AIKO
Don't tell me to calm down! This is your fault you idiot!
ZEDOI
Relax, I got an idea.
AIKO
You have an idea? Yeah we really are gonna die here.
AS THE TWO ARGUE THE DEMONS RUSH THEM TO INITIATE THERE ATTACK.
AIKO
Good-bye cruel world!
ZEDOI
Well here goes nothing!
ZEDOI TURNS TOWARDS THE CLIFF AND STARTS TO RUN.
AIKO
Zedoi wait wha what are you doing?!
ZEDOI JUMPS OFF THE CLIFF. THE TWO FREE FALL TOWARDS THE WATER SURFACE. AIKO SCREAMS THE WHOLE WAY DOWN. ZEDOI LANDS IN A CROUCHED POSITION WITH THE WATER SPLASHING ALL AROUND THEM. AFTER LANDING HE LOOKS UP AT THE CLIFFS EDGE TO SEE IF THE GROOKS ARE STILL IN PURSUIT. THE DEMONS LOOK OVER THE EDGE, BUT DO NOT PURSUE ZEDOI AND AIKO.
EXT.ocean.day.CHP 1
ZEDOI
And thats how we escape.
AIKO
I can't believe you just jumped off the cliff.
ZEDOI
Well it was either that or we fight those demons.
AIKO
In that case, good thinking. Still just give me a heads up next time.
ZEDOI WITH AIKO ON HIS BACK BEGINS TO WALK ACROSS THE SURFACE OF THE WATER
ZEDOI
Is there a way back to town from here.
AIKO
Yeah there is. The ocean feeds into the port so actually we can make it back faster this way.
ZEDOI
Sounds like a plan. Hold on buddy.
BEFORE ZEDOI CAN START RUNNING THE WATER STARTS TO RISE AND CRASH VIOLENTLY AGAINST THE CLIFF. SUDDENLY A LARGE demon RISES FROM THE OCEAN TO COMFRONT ZEDOI AND AIKO.
Origins Chp 1:
EXT.Yamirr mountains.Day.CHP 1
A YOUNG MAN MOVES SWIFTLY THROUGH THE FOREST. ON HIS BACK IS A SMALL DEMON. FOLLOWING CLOSELY BEHIND are A GROUP OF DEMONS KNOWN AS GROOKS.
zedoi
Man I think I really pissed those guys off huh Aiko?
ZEDOI SMILES TO HIMSELF.
AIKO
What was it that gave it away. Was it the part where they were throwing spears at us, or is it the fact that they have been chasing us for the past 20 minutes?
ZEDOI
Relax buddy I got everything under control.
AIKO
Don't tell me to relax. We wouldn't even be in this situation if you had followed the plan.
ZEDOI
I did follow the plan I located the necklace and then I stole it. Just like you said.
AIKO GETS A LOOK OF DISBELIEF.
AIKO
So you totally missed the part about being covert.
ZEDOI LOOKS CONFUSED.
ZEDOI
Covert? What the hell does that mean?
AIKO
Your hopeless.
ZEDOI
That's why your the brains and I'm the bronze.
THE TWO CONTINUE TO AVOID THEIR PURSUERS THROUGH THE THICK FOREST. FINALLY THE BRIGHT SUN LIGHT SHINES STRONGLY THROUGH THE TREES. ZEDOI AND AIKO HAVE FINALLY REACHED THE FOREST EDGE, THE END OF THE GROOK TERRITORY.
ZEDOI
Look, sunlight, we finally made it out!
AIKO
Good lets get the hell out of this place then!
ZEDOI TAKES ONE FINAL LEAP TO CLEAR THE LAST OF THE TREES. AFTER LANDING HE COMES TO AN ABRUPT STOP.
AIKO
You have got to be kidding me.
ZEDOI AND AIKO HAVE RUN INTO A DEAD END. IN FRONT OF THEM IS A HUGE CLIFF LEADING INTO THE OCEAN.
ZEDOI
I don't remember there being a cliff here.
ZEDOI SCRATCHES HIS HEAD WHILE AIKO GETS UPSET.
AIKO
That's because there wasn't any cliff! You went the wrong way!
ZEDOI
That's no good.
AS THE TWO ARGUE THE DEMONS EXIT THE FOREST AND SLOWLY APPROACH THEM.
AIKO
I can't believe this. We are so dead. There are to many of them to fight. Why did I ever take this job. Their going to eat us. I don't want to be eatin!
ZEDOI LOOKS OVER THE CLIFFS EDGE.
ZEDOI
Calm down Aiko.
AIKO
Don't tell me to calm down! This is your fault you idiot!
ZEDOI
Relax, I got an idea.
AIKO
You have an idea? Yeah we really are gonna die here.
AS THE TWO ARGUE THE DEMONS RUSH THEM TO INITIATE THERE ATTACK.
AIKO
Good-bye cruel world!
ZEDOI
Well here goes nothing!
ZEDOI TURNS TOWARDS THE CLIFF AND STARTS TO RUN.
AIKO
Zedoi wait wha what are you doing?!
ZEDOI JUMPS OFF THE CLIFF. THE TWO FREE FALL TOWARDS THE WATER SURFACE. AIKO SCREAMS THE WHOLE WAY DOWN. ZEDOI LANDS IN A CROUCHED POSITION WITH THE WATER SPLASHING ALL AROUND THEM. AFTER LANDING HE LOOKS UP AT THE CLIFFS EDGE TO SEE IF THE GROOKS ARE STILL IN PURSUIT. THE DEMONS LOOK OVER THE EDGE, BUT DO NOT PURSUE ZEDOI AND AIKO.
EXT.ocean.day.CHP 1
ZEDOI
And thats how we escape.
AIKO
I can't believe you just jumped off the cliff.
ZEDOI
Well it was either that or we fight those demons.
AIKO
In that case, good thinking. Still just give me a heads up next time.
ZEDOI WITH AIKO ON HIS BACK BEGINS TO WALK ACROSS THE SURFACE OF THE WATER
ZEDOI
Is there a way back to town from here.
AIKO
Yeah there is. The ocean feeds into the port so actually we can make it back faster this way.
ZEDOI
Sounds like a plan. Hold on buddy.
BEFORE ZEDOI CAN START RUNNING THE WATER STARTS TO RISE AND CRASH VIOLENTLY AGAINST THE CLIFF. SUDDENLY A LARGE demon RISES FROM THE OCEAN TO COMFRONT ZEDOI AND AIKO.
