On Search - Chapter 4

~Yubel~

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On Search

Daichi: I assumed you were from here because you knew so much about Kenji and the police.

Takeo: I´ve been here for a week, i´m good at gathering intel when i must.:|

Daichi: Why did you gather info?

Takeo: I came here a week ago with a friend named Alex, we were supposed to do sales with the man named Catpaw but after 2 days of being here, Alex suddently vanished.:(

Daichi: How did it happen?

Takeo: I don´t know but we were at this music concert where i went to buy us drinks but when i came back, she was gone.

Daichi:*surprised* It´s a girl?! You had me thinking we were talking about a guy here!:p

Takeo: Alex is a girl but she´s very strong too, i don´t know what could´ve happened to her, i later searched around and tried to find her but to no avail, i told the towns police about the situation and asked them for help but they turned out to be scum.
I searched the police and their work further, i saw how Kenji were acting around people and i thought he knew something useful.

*Flashback*

*Kenji stomping on some random dude on the ground*

Kenji: People like you shouldn´t have the right to be here, you should all just disappear!:p

Takeo appears: Disappear? Just what do you have in mind when you say that?

Kenji:*Surprised* How dare you even talk to me?

Takeo: I´ve had my friend gone now for 3 days, i don´t know where she is and i even asked help from you police but you just aren´t interested, what kind of police are you?!:mad:


*Kenji comes near Takeo and Whispers*: If you want to know then you have to give something up too.


Takeo getting impatient: How about i challenge you to a duel and if you lose then you´re gonna tell me everything!!!

Kenji:Hahaha!! Fine by me but if i win then you´re my slave for a day but who knows, if you behave like a good dog then i might let you in on it.*grin*

*They duel*


Takeo: Ahh!*Charging*

Kenji: If you so much as touches me, it´ll be the end of Alex.:devil:

Takeo:*stops dead in his tracks shocked* What?!

*Kenji beats him down with his staff along with kicks to the shoulder/neck area, crowd gathers to watch. Takeo endures it and in the end give up saying "You win"*

*Flashback ends*

Takeo: And that´s how it happened, it´s been 3 days now since she vanished.U_U

Daichi: So you weren´t actually fightning him and 3 days without any trace of your friend? She probably got kidnapped.

Takeo: Yeah i guess but i just don´t see her as the type to get kidnapped!:kaito:

Daichi:.............

Takeo thinking:........ Kidnapp............*gets a shocked face* Now that you mention it, there weren´t that many people when i returned there!! More then half of them were gone!:eek:

Daichi:*Strange face* Really? Why´re you only noticing it now?:confused:

Takeo: I can´t believe it, who could do that and how could i miss such a thing?

*By now, they´re leaving the restaurant*

Daichi walking at the park again: If many people went missing and Kenji from the police knew about it then the only explanation is that it was all planned from the beginning!

Takeo: It all makes sense now!:y

Daichi: Let me help you!

Takeo: What?! You really don´t need to......

Daichi:*Closes his eyes looking up with hands behind his head* You wanted to do business with Catpaw, you´ve been a very good friend and i´ve grown intersted in this girl Alex you´re talking about so there is no way i´m gonna leave you now. You can count on me!!!*smiles*:D

Takeo:*Smiles*Thank you for this. I´ll remember it.

Daichi: No problem!!*Gives a thumb along with a smile.....turns to look infont of him*

*Daichi hits someone and they both fall*

Maria: Ouww! Watch where you´re going!

Riley: You ok Maria?

The end

I´m very sorry for have taken this long to post chapter 4, i´ve been very busy with studies and other real-life issues so please forgive me for taking this long.

For the previous chapter:
 
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~Yubel~

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For those of you viewing this, i would appreciate you leave a comment saying what you thought about it so i could take it into consideration, the thread becomes more lively and it makes my work seem worth it.

This is just boring now.
 

sG Taka

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Good chapter! ^^ I'm going to say three things:
1) Try to not make it all dialogue, maybe one or two paragraphs of description or character thought might be good. Not saying all dialogue is bad, it's just that at least for my taste, I like variety.
2) The smilies, they make your work seem sort of..amateur-ish..dunno, they also don't blend well. Maybe you could describe the smilie to add more depth to the characters, so the reader could feel more how people are reacting/feeling/expressing etc..
3) You could have put a little more detail on the duel.

Other than that, like I said, good chapter, keep 'em coming.
 

~Yubel~

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Good chapter! ^^ I'm going to say three things:
1) Try to not make it all dialogue, maybe one or two paragraphs of description or character thought might be good. Not saying all dialogue is bad, it's just that at least for my taste, I like variety.
2) The smilies, they make your work seem sort of..amateur-ish..dunno, they also don't blend well. Maybe you could describe the smilie to add more depth to the characters, so the reader could feel more how people are reacting/feeling/expressing etc..
3) You could have put a little more detail on the duel.

Other than that, like I said, good chapter, keep 'em coming.
I really liked this, like a true reader giving feedback!:D

1) I will remember that next time.

2) The smilies are there to convey the emotions of characters and also to lighten up things as to not make it too serious, give a little comedic feel, i don´t know if i really have to describe it, you should be able to figure it out yourself like the devil smilie was there to convey the evil and heartlessness of Kenji and that it was unpredictable.

3) To be honest, i´m still working on how the power and magic works in the story, so i don´t want to make any real fights before i have that down, i will figure it out soon but if you have any ideas then simply pm me.

+ rep for this!:D I want to improve and you let me do so!
 
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