Old story I wrote a few years ago

Ok, Be honest, how was it?

  • Oh Jesus, what the hell did I just read?

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Meh...

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • It's quite nice but needs work

    Votes: 1 33.3%
  • Sweet! Can't wait for more!

    Votes: 1 33.3%
  • May I marry you? (Hehehehe this one was just for funzies.)

    Votes: 1 33.3%

  • Total voters
    3

Sasha128

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(Side note...Naruto does not belong to me, was not ever my idea, and I'm not the mastermind behind the makings of Naruto. The whole Naruto universe belongs to Masashi Kishimoto! But the idea of Ren and her character is mine. Any similarities to anyone or anything are pure coincidence.)
Prologue

You’ll never be as good as Keiko.” Your mother said to you the night before you ran away. “You’ll never measure up to her power, smarts or beauty.” She also said. You dreamt of this every night since you ran away from your village. However, you woke up in the middle of the dream to a noise nearby. You got up, startled, to see what it was. You thought it was just another rabbit or squirrel, but then you heard talking…

? But we’ve already been through here before. Don’t you think they’d know at least our uniform?

? I think we can take the chance, un.

? I still don’t see why leader had to put you with us because of Sasori’s puppets.

You tried to keep your chakra down as low as possible; you hid in the bush right behind them. When you got a good look, you could see three of them. One with blond hair with some pulled up in a ponytail covering his eye, another had long-ish black hair and red eyes. But the other guy seemed to really make your head spin. He had blue-wait, blue skin? - And blackish blue hair with really small eyes. He had a huge sword and did you see-gills on his neck?!

You: “Who are these freak shows?!”

The one with the red eyes raised his head as if he saw something. He looked over to the bush you were in and you knew right from that moment that he knew you were there.

Red eyes: Does anyone else sense the presence of someone else here?

Blond: Hm, as a matter of fact, *Raises eyebrow in interest. * I think I do, yeah!

Sharky: I think you should check it out, Itachi.
The red-eyed guy walks swiftly and gracefully over to you and pulls back the bush. He gives you a look that sends weird vibes through you. He was not a
good person was the vibe you were getting.

Blond: Well, well! Look like we’ve caught us a mouse, hm!

Sharky: She looks like an easy kill!

Itachi: We won’t kill her, yet. We need to find out some things from her. Don’t we? All right, kid. What’s your name?

You: R-ren.

Itachi: Good, good. What village are you from?

You: Uh, I don’t call any village home at the time being, but I come from Otafuku Gai.

Itachi: Hm, what are you doing here?


You: I-I ran away when I was seven, I’m twelve now. I was just waking up when I heard a noise, I thought it was an animal and came over to check it out. I find you guys and I started to figure out what you were doing here. I tried to keep my chakra down bu-

Itachi: Ah, ah, we don’t need any more. Even though you knew it wasn’t an animal, you decided to spy on us anyways, huh? Well, your sneaking skills are terrible.

Just then, he took out a kunai and haphazardly threw it at you. It hit you hard in the shoulder. You gasped in pain and almost started to cry. But you knew that that’s what everybody wants when they hurt somebody. Because it shows ultimate weakness. As they were walking away, the blond stopped and turned to Itachi, he said something and Itachi nodded and turned back.

Itachi: Deidara here has a small proposition. Since we know you won’t have a life any further than in this forest. He thought that if you survive this, when your 16, we’ll take you to become a servant for our organization, just to give a girl like you a home; we don‘t want anything bad happening to the little eavesdropper now do we? We will take you, whether you like it or not. But just know that if you put up a fight, it’ll ends up in your death. But we’ll still take you depending on how strong you are; Sasori can use you as a puppet! Glad to see you agreed.

Trying not to look at the blood from your shoulder, you were thinking how this was going to work out. You weren’t going to go with them that’s for sure! But you decided to think about that later. You soon passed out from the injury.​
 
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Sasha128

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Awesome! Thank you much :) This story was my whole life back when I wrote it. She eventually gets pretty badass so stay tuned lol Chapter one will be up in a few.
 

Shinobi Train

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lol, I couldn't resist the bottom choice. xd

I think it's pretty good, needs some work on the dialogue, try to put yourself in the shoes of the characters and feel it from that, then ask yourself what they'd say.

Not too fond of "you" instead of "I", I'm more traditional like that, xd but it was different.
 

Sasha128

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Ha yeah that type of writing isn't for everyone. Thanks for giving it a shot though! I wrote this when I was about 14 and I'm 18 now so lol A LOT of my writing has changed in terms of style. I just didn't want to mess with how I wrote the chapters I have because I just had that feeling that I'd mess it up. :p
 
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