The Scion of Hentai
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Nonsensical Nonsense
by
The Scion of HentaiChapter One - What It Takes to be President
*An extract taken from Presidential candidate Mr. Imab Awss's election speech*
Why do I wish to be the president of Pangea you ask? What will I do to stave of the imminent alien invasion by the Kundi’s that is predicted to happen in five days you question?
Well, I’ll tell you why! Who else is boss enough to rule over the entirety of mankind, eh? Chuck Norris? I think not!
I’ll bitch-slap poverty into oblivion, I’ll wipe out cancer whilst knitting a fine ballroom gown, I’ll take a crap on crime whilst mowing my lawn, that’s why I should be president! I'm a multi-tasker, and in this day and age of multiple things to multi-task, a multi-tasker is what this continent needs to lead it!
Aliens!? Please, I’ve seen more threatening moles in my dermatologists’ office. I’ll make the Kundi’s my bitches and have them mine rock-salt in an Amazonian beach for the rest of their unnaturally long lives.
And if that isn’t enough, I plan on immediately releasing, during a span of one to two years after I’m president, a new law decreeing that pie is the national food-product of the human race. Eh, how awesome am I?
What else you ask?! “Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream…..merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily…..life is but a dream!” is now our species official national anthem for it so accurately describes how our kind has merrily floated down the stream of evolution, wondering about the stars and how life was such a dream, like Inception.
As one of my stark raving lunatic stalkers once said, "Vote for Lord Awss or this planet will become an even larger shit-hole than it already is. Also, *insert delusional stalker speech here*"
When I’m elected as the President of Pangea, I won’t turn a blind eye to terrorism. No! If people start bombing stuff in my lands, I’ll blow their ****ing houses up! Bombs are the answer to everything after all. An eye for an eye and a nuclear bomb for a hand grenade is what I say! You set foot in my lands with the intention to blow stuff up, "You'll have to buy a permit for that, son!" is what I'll say!
*Audience nods in approval*
These shall be the universal laws obeyed by our kind under my rule.
The punishment for littering will be a ten thousand Pangean Yen fine and one week’s detention with the cast of Jersey Shore. I know such a punishment sounds too cruel and severe but it should reduce our waste dramatically!
The punishment for public sexual offences, one week’s detention in a small white room where you are forced to watch porn/ hentai for the duration of your stay, with your hands and feet bound to a metal pole to prevent you from pleasuring yourself! That should teach you some values on abstinence!
Need I tell you, my noble followers anymore? I’m sure that all of you watching this live broadcast from your underground homes will be more than assured of my ability to lead. After all, unlike the previous president whose lunatic laws forced us underground after nuclear pollution made the surface world uninhabitable, I will abide with no such thing.
We will strive to the surface and reclaim our land, allowing the weak, homeless and useless to go first of course…..um…because they are the most resourceful! After the hobo masses have cleared the surface for habitation, we humans shall live on our barren, wasteland of a planet’s surface once more!
*Audience erupts into cheers*
Yes, yes, your applause is more than enough gratification for all the work I’ve put in…..AHAHAHAHA. No seriously, deposit twenty Pangean Yen in the box as my mafia me- ahem – I mean bodyguards pass you.
Anyways, my obligatory five minute speech is up, peace ou – I mean, war out my underground homies.
Author Notes
Yup, this really is Nonsensical Nonsense isn't it. This is basically from an essay I had to do for my English class and all my friends told me how hilarious it was and how I had to post it online, and ya know what, I did!This will probably be a series of short series a.k.a each chapter will have a unique story and no two chapters will be a continuation of each other, unless specifically stated otherwise.
Please not that my own personal views are not reflected in this essay and everything written here is pure crap, thank you.
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