Naruto: Tetsuden - 007

Chakra Wizard

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Here’s my previous chapters, for those who missed any:







Chapter 007: Previous Generations


Although years had certainly taken their toll on the Leaf’s greatest taijutsu master, like most of Naruto’s peers, Rock Lee found himself more than capable of carrying out his shinobi duties well into his fifties. Had his old sensei managed to survive the decades since the end of the war, the two would’ve almost certainly mirrored each other in terms of appearance. The power of youth ideals that Guy had passed on to him remained strong long after his death, though, as Lee’s undying enthusiasm proved day in and day out. Pleased to see one another, he and Naruto quickly struck up a conversation immediately after the latter’s arrival.

Naruto: So, how’re Neji and Tenten doing?

Lee: They are doing fine. Tenten is preparing for the second exam as we speak. I went to see Neji this morning and he is alright, as well.

Naruto: (The image of his old friend fresh in his mind, he paused a moment before acknowledging Lee’s response.) Hm, good…good. Hinata said she would go see him this morning, so she’s probably there right now. How was Chan doing this morning?

Lee: Hm, he is just as eager to beat the competition as I am! I dropped him, Hitomi, and Miyuki off at the Academy early this morning. After all, tardiness is unacceptable for a shinobi!

????: Tardiness? Lee, you dropped your team off four hours ahead of time. They probably didn’t see another team arrive for forty-five minutes, at the least.

Lee: (Not dissuaded in the slightest, he turned around and pointed at the third war veteran amongst the patiently waiting sensei.) Ha! Better to be early than never, though! Is that not right, Sai?

Sai: (Chuckling in amusement as he wore the same smile that Naruto once deemed “fake”, the artist couldn’t help but question Lee’s choice of wording.) Hmhm, I think the saying is “better LATE than never”, Lee.

Lee: (A little dumbfounded by this apparently new information, he paused a moment before recovering his previous zeal.) Oh. …Well, the same thing applies!

As Naruto and Suzaku joined in Sai’s laughter, the other two sensei that were present walked over to greet them. The first was a woman of about thirty-eight years, a few years older than the only son of Konohamaru, …her cousin. Like her daughter, she bore a great resemblance to her mother, though her black, untamed hair was slightly longer and her skin slightly darker, though not quite as dark as that of her late father, Asuma Sarutobi. Having been trained diligently by her father’s favorite pupil, she now takes it upon herself to train his grandson Shikaru and his teammates, and while not a smoker, she keeps Asuma’s lighter hung around her neck, having fashioned it so that a string could be fed through its lid, to keep intact the memory of the father she never met.

????: Lord Hokage. It’s such a pleasure you could join us.

Naruto: Hmhm, it’s good to see you, Kogane. Can’t stay long, though, sorry. I’ve gotta go find Sakura and Sasuke.

Kogane: Hmm, that’s a shame.

????: Well, as the sixth Hokage, he surely has things he must attend to, so it’d be best for us not to get in his way, Kogane!

Kogane: Katame, he just said that he was going to rally with Lady Sakura and Sasuke Uchiha. What does a meeting with friends have to do with his duties as the previous Hokage?

Katame: (His admiration of Naruto not wavering in the slightest, he simply shrugged off Kogane’s remarks.) All the same, if the Hokage has appointments to get to, we shouldn’t try to delay him! I thought you’d have more respect, Kogane!

Naruto: Katame, you can calm down now, alright? …It’s fine. I don’t have to meet them right-a-way. I can stay here a little while.

Katame: (Seeming almost surprised that Naruto spoke to him, he immediately dropped to one knee and apologized, as if he had done something wrong.) Uh, yes-yes, sir. Forgive me, Lord Hokage. It’s an honor that you’d take time out of your schedule to converse with us.

Naruto: Uhhh, …it’s okay. Don’t worry about it. (Man, this guy’s a freak. I’m not even the Hokage anymore and he’s still kissing my ass.)

Katame Funare was significantly younger than any of the other sensei present, including Suzaku, not even in his thirtieth year of life. His thick, purple hair stood on end and he wore a long-sleeved, light-grey shirt beneath the village’s standard flak jacket. Aside from his hair, his other distinguishing feature was his bright-green, pupiless eyes. His right eye had slightly duller coloring than the left, signifying his inability to see through it, …a product of a rather unhappy childhood. Through his struggles, though, he had obtained a drive to become stronger, his proficiency in fire and wind-based techniques helping him to acquire his jōnin status at the meager age of sixteen. However, despite what duties his rank typically bestowed upon those who achieved it, his tendency to kneel to more experienced shinobi, often literally, led few to believe he was capable of leading his own squad, though that’s not to say he wasn’t a fine sensei to Raiden, Kūrogane, and Kemono.

Katame: (Quickly standing back up, he eventually got over his fretfulness…to an extent.) Thank you, sir. So, how are your students this morning?

Though Naruto was still irritated that Katame continued to address him with this unnecessary level of respect, the thought of his grandchildren quickly brought a smile back to his face.

Naruto: They’re my grandkids, Katame, …and they’re doing fine today, thanks. How about Raiden?

Katame: He’s good, sir. He seemed pretty eager to start the exams this morning. All three of them did, actually, …except Kūrogane. She’s much more level-headed than him and Kemono.

Kogane: (Pleased by this news, she quickly rejoined the conversation upon hearing her daughter’s name.) Hmhmhmhm, that’s my girl. I must say, you’ve done well in training her, Ken. I should probably thank you for that.

Katame: (Rather flattered by her merit, his face slowly began to turn pink as he rubbed the back of his head.) Hehehehe, well thanks, Kogane. That means a great deal to me.

Kogane: Hmhmhm, of course. Oh, and Lord Hokage. You should be seeing Shikamaru-sensei shortly, right?

Naruto: Hm? …Uh, yeah. I’ve got to go see him and Konohamaru once I’m done meeting Sakura and Sasuke.

Kogane: (Having received the answer she was hoping for, she quickly pulled out a small scroll with her name on it.) Well, once you see him, can you let him know something for me?

Naruto: (Taking it in his hand, he looked at it in confusion a moment before responding.) Yeah, sure thing. …What’s wrong with telling him yourself, though?

Kogane: Well, I’d rather that he knew sometime soon…and I’m afraid I won’t have time before the third exam starts.

Naruto: Hmmm…ah, well. Yeah, I’ll be sure to give this to him when I see him.

He was about to turn to Sai and Lee and continue speaking to them, but Kogane’s mentioning of “time” quickly brought something else to his mind, …something rather urgent.

Naruto: Ah, crud! I think I’ve been here a little too long! Sorry, guys, I gotta jet!

Running over to the window, he quickly threw it open and was prepared to jump out before being stopped by Lee.

Lee: Hey, Naruto! Do not forget to come by the gate when the other Kage arrive! I am certain that they would like to see you!

Stopping for a moment upon hearing this, the images of the other four village leaders entered Naruto’s mind as he turned back to look at Lee. After standing there for a short while in thought, a smile emerged on his face.

Naruto: Sure thing. …Well, see you all later.

Leaping out onto the rooftop of the Standby Station, one never would have expected that Naruto was over fifty years old as he skipped across the rooftops and made it his way over to the village’s cemetery. Upon arriving at its gate, he found himself greeted by the smiling faces of his two oldest friends. The first had aged significantly since the war, though most of his facial features remained intact and he still bore the same charming persona that women adored to this day. His wife, on the other hand, had aged only a few years in that same amount of time, thanks to a technique passed down from her former master. While pleased to see that their old teammate had arrived, hints of displeasure could be seen in their expressions, most likely because he had appeared several minutes late.

Sasuke: You certainly took your time, Naruto.

Sakura: Yeah, I’ll say. I thought we had a time set for us to meet here each day.

Naruto: (Rubbing the back of his head as a drop of sweat ran down his left cheek, he chuckled in minor embarrassment at his own tardiness.) Hehe, yeah, I guess so. …Sorry, Sakura.

Sakura: (Giggling softly to herself, she gave him a reassuring reply before turning to her husband.) Hey, don’t worry about it. …So, shall we get going?

As Sasuke took ahold of his wife’s hand, Naruto looked behind him at the numerous graves that occupied the village’s cemetery, at the center of which, between the tombstones of his two former teammates, now stood a large monument dedicated to the unspoken hero of the Fourth Shinobi World War: …Obito Uchiha.


Team Minato continues to watch over the Leaf village!!!


The End
 

Zee Seh

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hmm this one was also pretty nice... OBITO UCHIHA the hero of fourt great ninja war... i wuld certainly like to see how u designed the end of war :)... and i have just got one hint....
 

Chakra Wizard

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hmm this one was also pretty nice... OBITO UCHIHA the hero of fourt great ninja war... i wuld certainly like to see how u designed the end of war :)... and i have just got one hint....
Thanks:) I suppose, since I don't really address it, I should tell you that it was on Naruto's orders that that monument was built. I'd be going a bit over-the-top if I said EVERYone forgave him for what he did as Tobixd
 

Shinobi Train

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Just focusing on the dialogue, of course, that's what you're trying to improve the most I assume since you're interesting in scene writing for a career. ^_^

Really good, actually. In the beginning I thought the dialogue was stiff and didn't fit the characters, but it quickly fixed itself not long after that. You weren't, by any chance, rushing the beginning, were you? lol

Dialogue is your strong point for sure, no question, so it was rather strange to read the beginning and have it not be up to par. At one point you really nailed it, though. The main reason I'm commenting actually, I just wanted to pull it out so you could see it. It's hard to learn from something you did well, it's easier to learn from mistakes, but try to study this and figure out what makes it so damn good. I can tell you why, but you'll learn more if you figure it out without me telling you. ^_^

Lee: Ha! Better to be early than never, though! Is that not right, Sai?

Sai: Hmhm, I think the saying is “better LATE than never”, Lee.

I took out the stuff explaining the scene, while important for readers here, it was detracting from the greatness that is this^. If you wrote this for the right director, who knew the characters and personalities being used, he'd have you on the team the next day.
 

Chakra Wizard

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Just focusing on the dialogue, of course, that's what you're trying to improve the most I assume since you're interesting in scene writing for a career. ^_^

Really good, actually. In the beginning I thought the dialogue was stiff and didn't fit the characters, but it quickly fixed itself not long after that. You weren't, by any chance, rushing the beginning, were you? lol

Dialogue is your strong point for sure, no question, so it was rather strange to read the beginning and have it not be up to par. At one point you really nailed it, though. The main reason I'm commenting actually, I just wanted to pull it out so you could see it. It's hard to learn from something you did well, it's easier to learn from mistakes, but try to study this and figure out what makes it so damn good. I can tell you why, but you'll learn more if you figure it out without me telling you. ^_^

Lee: Ha! Better to be early than never, though! Is that not right, Sai?

Sai: Hmhm, I think the saying is “better LATE than never”, Lee.

I took out the stuff explaining the scene, while important for readers here, it was detracting from the greatness that is this^. If you wrote this for the right director, who knew the characters and personalities being used, he'd have you on the team the next day.
Yeah, I'm rather proud of that part:) And you also gotta bear in mind that the canon characters have all aged around forty years, so there's been some changes in their personalities, without a doubt.

And what ever happened to not being able to critique script-style, hm?xd
 

Shinobi Train

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Yeah, I'm rather proud of that part:) And you also gotta bear in mind that the canon characters have all aged around forty years, so there's been some changes in their personalities, without a doubt.

And what ever happened to not being able to critique script-style, hm?xd
True, that did throw me off a bit, that could easily be it. ^.^

There's nothing to critique, though. You're great at dialogue and I'm not sure what advice to give in that area to help you improve. You know about acting out the scenes and stuff, at least in your head real good, and get a feel for the thing after writing it. You should probably stand up and act out your scenes though after you're through writing them, that's better for your goal I think.

I just read yours and Uzu's work, I have little if nothing to comment on, merely observing your all's bad-assery. ^_^ I don't comment if I don't have anything useful to add, but I thought I should drag that one section out and make sure you saw it. ;) Lol
 
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Chakra Wizard

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True, that did throw me off a bit, that could easily be it. ^.^

There's nothing to critique, though. You're great at dialogue and I'm not sure what advice to give in that area to help you improve. You know about acting out the scenes and stuff, at least in your head real good, and get a feel for the thing after writing it. You should probably stand up and act out your scenes though after you're through writing them, that's better for your goal I think.

I just read yours and Uzu's work, I have little if nothing to comment on, merely observing your all's bad-assery. ^_^ I don't comment if I don't have anything useful to add, but I thought I should drag that one section out and make sure you saw it. ;) Lol
Trust me, I do it plenty of times before I actually write it down, man:) And it sucks, because I know I could never make the story as awesome as it is in my headU_U Though, I suppose all writers face that dilemmaxd

And thanks for that, man:)
 

Shinobi Train

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Trust me, I do it plenty of times before I actually write it down, man:) And it sucks, because I know I could never make the story as awesome as it is in my headU_U Though, I suppose all writers face that dilemmaxd

And thanks for that, man:)
Good, feel those characters. ^_^

Yep, that's something all writers deal with. However, script writers get to see their stuff come to life, so in a way I'm going to be rather jealous. XD
 

Chakra Wizard

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Good, feel those characters. ^_^

Yep, that's something all writers deal with. However, script writers get to see their stuff come to life, so in a way I'm going to be rather jealous. XD
I just hope some of the ideas I have now get the audience appreciation I think they deserve, cause I really do think there's something really good in, at least, a certain few of these ideas. It's why I stopped writing Hellhound, cause I really think it might serve as a good anime one day.
 

Kuroi Honoo

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I was somewhat bummed that you decided to switching over to the Jounin but with more information being revealed, I welcomed it :) So Naruto already ran as Hokage and Kurenai’s child is revealed to be a female who idolized her father :) Its nice to see Sai as he is one of my top favorites and I like how he has become more emotional with time and age ^^ This Katame character did seem to be obsessed with Naruto and I loved Naruto’s degrading and hilarious comment XD Ever since I initially read about Sakura and later Sasuke, I had hoped that you would’ve paired them together since shes loved Sasuke for so long and he seemed to care for her, perhaps even in the same manner due to their time together in Part I(but chose not to explore it due to his vendetta and later corruption). It is also the most logical thing to do. Pivoting her and him with someone else simply wouldn’t feel right as Kishimoto had foreshadowed them just like he has with Naruto and Hinata and Shikamaru/Temari(unfortunately T_T). I’m beyond happy with your decision over their coupling!!! =D I also liked that you chose for Sakura to adapt Tsunade’s jutsu ^^ The ending was somewhat baffling so Obito in the end became an antihero? This was another one of your best chapters and as always well written/descriptive. Shorter than you previous and very welcomed XD ;)
 

Chakra Wizard

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I was somewhat bummed that you decided to switching over to the Jounin but with more information being revealed, I welcomed it :) So Naruto already ran as Hokage and Kurenai’s child is revealed to be a female who idolized her father :) Its nice to see Sai as he is one of my top favorites and I like how he has become more emotional with time and age ^^ This Katame character did seem to be obsessed with Naruto and I loved Naruto’s degrading and hilarious comment XD Ever since I initially read about Sakura and later Sasuke, I had hoped that you would’ve paired them together since shes loved Sasuke for so long and he seemed to care for her, perhaps even in the same manner due to their time together in Part I(but chose not to explore it due to his vendetta and later corruption). It is also the most logical thing to do. Pivoting her and him with someone else simply wouldn’t feel right as Kishimoto had foreshadowed them just like he has with Naruto and Hinata and Shikamaru/Temari(unfortunately T_T). I’m beyond happy with your decision over their coupling!!! =D I also liked that you chose for Sakura to adapt Tsunade’s jutsu ^^ The ending was somewhat baffling so Obito in the end became an antihero? This was another one of your best chapters and as always well written/descriptive. Shorter than you previous and very welcomed XD ;)
Yeah, I mentioned before and she was originally a boy, but from what I've heard, Kishi's thinking about making the canon one a girl, so I just followed suit:) lol

Just seemed like the logical thing to do:) I try to make everything as theoretically possible as I can*_* lol Thanks again for the great feedback, man.
 

Kuroi Honoo

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Yeah, I mentioned before and she was originally a boy, but from what I've heard, Kishi's thinking about making the canon one a girl, so I just followed suit:) lol

Just seemed like the logical thing to do:) I try to make everything as theoretically possible as I can*_* lol Thanks again for the great feedback, man.
Oh interesting, I suppose I initially thought that Kurenai’s child was male but I’m glad that you decided to stay as close to canon manga as possible in this regard ^^

You’re welcome and you are deserving of it ;)
 
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